I Became Her

Chapter 4 -The Hesitation-

“No, I was.” Actually, this whole situation with me not being able to take my eyes off of him was too intense. I am just not courageous enough to say it out loud, especially to his face. So, I hope this innocent white lie will end this conversation and I can forget it ever happened.

I look at his hand still resting on my shoulder and making me feel uncomfortable.

“I’d like to get to know you a little better,” he says as his eyes follow mine and eventually lets his hand slide down my arm all the while his fingers caress my skin.

“Why?” Is all I ask. He doesn’t seem to be the type who would make acquaintance with someone like me. Someone a little too young and a little too unimportant.

“Should I sugarcoat my answer, or do you want the truth?”

What is that supposed to mean? Is he challenging me? If his question is any indication, I am pretty sure I am not going to like his answer. I am putting my money down on it being either shameless or indecent. Or both even, because he doesn’t seem to be the type who would be afraid to say what is on his mind.

“I want you to be mine,” he says blatantly, and once again his fingers graze my skin travelling up my arm.

I am not afraid of his touch, I am not engrossed by it, but his straightforwardness is making me wary. Who says something like that to someone they met just minutes ago? He has no idea who I am or what kind of baggage I carry. If his ‘want’ is only based on my looks, then I don’t see any positive outcome out of this ‘friendship’.

“I don’t need an owner,” I say back at him while stepping away from his reach and allowing some space between us.

I see so many red flags and he doesn’t even try to hide them. Instead, he is waving them proudly and showing from the get-go he means trouble. Possessive, arrogant, and smug, not the best rap sheet of characteristics.

The question is, am I ready to add another complication to my already messed up life? To add someone who is not in it for the long haul. To care for someone, to only suffer through another loss.

“Not what I meant. I want to show you the world. To experience everything with you.” He speaks very passionately but it feels fake, it feels rehearsed.

I am probably not the first girl who has heard these exact same words and his whole act makes me laugh. At first it is just a smile that creeps onto my face, but with each passing second, I feel the real thing making its way up and I can’t stop it. I burst out laughing and he seems unsettled at my reaction.

“Yeah, well, I have a school to attend to, so my world kind of starts and ends there. Anyway, it was interesting meeting you. Take care.” I turn before he manages to say anything else, and I walk into the house, leaving him and drunk Yasmine on the other side of the door.

I let out a breath and enjoy the stuffy air inside the house, at least no one is looking to brand or adopt me like a stray dog.

I never liked the princess stories where the damsel in distress was saved by the prince, and they lived happily ever after. My mom always told me to make maximum effort myself before asking for help, because everything can be fixed and solved if you give yourself the opportunity to try. Sometimes someone else might do a better job at solving something, but who warrants that next time when that very same thing happens you have that person by your side? It is better to try and fail, but at least you can learn from your mistakes and do better when it happens again.

I am not saying that it is the absolute truth, but this is what I try to live by.

That’s why I don’t need nor want to be his or anyone else’s. I am no damsel looking for love or savior.

I head upstairs to collect my things and pack everything I brought. Since the sleepover I was promised didn’t come into fruition, I am leaving. I don’t belong here, and I didn’t want to come in the first place.

Yasmine probably hasn’t even noticed I left her sitting alone. And if she does notice, she is way too drunk to stop me.

I change clothes quickly, leaving her dress behind and slipping out of the front door, avoiding the party and guests who are having the time of their lives in the backyard.

Fresh air and my footsteps echoing back from the sidewalk are my only companions when I take the short way home.

I am not mad or disappointed at Yasmine for dragging me to that party. That’s just who she is. If there is something happening, I can bet she has to be there and rarely as an observer, mostly she will be smack in the middle of the action. She has always been like that, and I should have learnt how to deny her and not follow her every command and crazy idea. Perhaps one day I will learn how to stand my ground when it comes to her.

A few blocks from my house, I hear my phone beep and there is a message from an unknown number.

‘I am not some big bad wolf. D.Y.’

D.Y.? Duncan Yates? Speaking in code now, are we?

I am not afraid of wolves. Or any animals for that matter. They act on instinct and if you stay clear of them, they will not harm you. People are the ones I am afraid of. They pretend and manipulate to get what they want, and like now, sometimes it is impossible to stay clear of them.

Hopefully, he will get tired soon and us meeting will be a dusty memory no one ever visits. His face will disappear from my brain and my name will never pass his lips.

I speed up my pace to fight the sleepiness that tries to overpower me. Last block feels the longest, my feet are getting tired and placing one foot in front of the other needs a little more effort.

I turn the corner and there he is. Leaning against his car, eyes fixed on his phone with a stupid smirk on his face.

Yas must’ve betrayed me and sent him at my door. Not what I needed right now. Not at all what I needed. She is disqualified from the competition for becoming best friend of the year with that stunt. She should have my back, not stab my back.

I guess he feels me staring at him and in slow motion he peels his eyes from the phone in his hand and looks straight at me with the smirk still in place. Creep.

“You left without a goodbye,” he says, walking in my direction with confidence that could break the pavement under his feet.

“Okay, goodbye,” I say as I find my feet again and walk past him toward the gate to slip into the yard, but his fingers gripping around my arm stop me in my tracks. His grip is not abusive or hurtful, it is a desperate gesture to keep me from leaving, to keep me close to him.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to,” he lets go of me and with a fast movement he is facing me. “I don’t want to scare you. But there is something about you. Something I have never seen in any other woman.” Smirk on his face is replaced by a soft smile full of promises. “I just wish to get to know you.”

Sweet words from someone not so sweet can make you wonder if you were too quick to judge. Perhaps his arrogance and egotistic behavior is just a shield to protect his softer side. I have never been in this kind of situation and my mind is trying to work everything out at lightspeed to give my mouth something to say.

Time seems to stand still as we are staring into each others’ eyes while I try to decide if he is the prince or the dragon.

How should someone like me know if he is right for me or not? Okay, right might be too much to ask for. How should I know if he is worth my time?

Yes, he has the looks to sweep you off your feet, but under his fancy suit he could hide scales and spines. Am I being too guarded? Am I letting the pain from my great loss affect me right now or is my sixth sense raising an alarm?

I hate that I am young, stupid and inexperienced in this kind of dealing and, on top of it all, I have no one to ask help from. Yasmine would clap her hands and buy a wedding magazine for me, definitely not the advice I am looking for.

“I don’t want to push you. Let me know when you decide where you stand, cause I know where I stand.” He squeezes my hand for the last time and walks to his car.

No words, I have no words to say to him. None whatsoever.

First, I have to come to my senses and figure out what I want. Who I want? And if he fits the mold I have created for my life.

Right now, I am not even sure if I fit the mold.