Denying Destiny

Night Out

One final sigh of relief then I stood up from my desk to hand in my exam booklet for our last midterm exam. I collected my things from the front of the classroom kung saan lahat nakaipon yung mga gamit namin at lumabas ng room to wait for Lian. I couldn't exactly go sa smoking area baka kasi nandun si Killian.

Yup, bumalik nanaman kami, or ako lang (pero I think na dalawa talaga kami), sa point na iniiwasan ko sya. So kahit namimilipit na yung lungs ko sa stress ng exam, di ako makapunta sa yosi area. Weak.

Magreklamo man si Lian, wala na kong pakielam, pero maninigarilyo na ko sa kotse mamaya pauwi.

I felt my phone vibrate inside my bag. It was Max. "Yes?" Bati ko sa kanya. "Hoy last day ng exams nyo diba? Alis tayo!" I can hear his background, mukhang nasa mataong lugar. "Nasa inuman ka na ba?" I asked. "No. Nasa set. Imbyerna na ko dito kaya uminom tayo please?? Saka alam kong kailangan mo yun." Tono pa lang ni Max, naiinis na ko.

I shouldn't have told them about the dinner pero ibang level yung pangungulit nila. But I didn't tell them Killian's parting words. Na buti nalang. I already felt annoyed enough that they hounded me with endless questions about the dinner and analyzed everything that happened. E paano pa kung sinabi ko yung linya nya?

But the most important reason I didn't tell them was I felt disappointed. Not because of what he said, kasi mamatay-matay na ata ako sa saya non, but because of the lack of reaction on his part after that.

The next time I saw him was in Starbucks the following day na nagdinner kami sa condo and he didn't stay around. Bumili lang ng kape then umexit na. Buti nalang Lian completely missed it.

Then during our last class before midterms, he didn't look at me again. But dahil malas kaming dalawa, natawag nanaman ako sa recitation. Doon, he had to look at me. Wala syang choice, at ako din. What was confusing was he deeply stared at me the whole time as if ako lang yung tao dun after completely ignoring me. Ang gulo nya! So is it either he doesn't look at me or tititigan nya lang ako?

The whole time I was reciting nakasimangot ako and tinataasan lang sya ng kilay as I answered. His questions were relentless. We were like in a recitation face-off sa sobrang intense or para kaming nasa korte na nagtatalo. The class all sighed in relief nung natapos yung recitation ko na nakakastress, since I was the last one he called. Gusto ko syang irapan pagkatapos non kaso nagmamadali din sya umalis. Tangina, bakit ba di pwedeng mauna akong magwalk out??

"Ano yun mumsh??" Tanong agad ni Lian pag labas namin ng klase nya that day. "Di ko alam dun." I just shrugged. Kunyari di ako apektado.

Naka simangot din ako sa buong exam nya and nagmadali akong matapos para hindi ko na sya makita. Kulang nalang ibato ko forcefully yung booklet ko sa harap ng desk nya. Di ko sya tinignan and I was finally satisfied that I was able to walk out.

I admit medyo dramatic pa yung pag wawalk out ko non. Sinigurado kong ala slow-mo with matching hair flip. Eat my hair, Attorney. Kahit di ko alam kung tinignan nya ko.

So, I guess talagang hindi lang ako yung umiiwas. But he f*****g started it!

Buti talaga di ko sinabi kela Lian at Max. Mapapahiya pa ko for stupidly assuming the meaning behind his words. Tangina Stacy, bumalik ka nanaman sa pagiging tanga.

"Yeah, sige parang feel kong uminom ngayon. But please was sa club." I told him. "Yes sige kasi kailangan ko din mag rant sa inyo, di tayo magkakarinigan sa club." He answered and we agreed to meet at a bar in BGC around 8pm.

Sakto, Lian was already finished with her exam and lumabas na ng classroom na naka kunot yung noo. "Don't ask me about the exam, kinalimutan ko na yung mga tanong." Inunahan ko na sya and we started walking towards the parking lot.

"Inuman daw sabi ni Max sa BGC." I told her as I dumped my things sa likod ng kotse. Lian squeeled in excitement and we got inside. "Hindi sa club ha, he needs to rant daw about something so sa bar lang tayo." I quickly said and Lian looked slightly disappointed na hindi kami makakapag dress up.

"Gusto ko pa namang malasing." She said ng nakasimangot. "Pwede ka pa din namang malasing sa bar. Di naman nakakalasing yung ingay ng club." I said habang inaabot ko yung yosi ko sa likod sa bag ko.

"Sorry, Li, pero sobrang stress ko sa mga exam natin, dito na ko sa kotse maninigarilyo." I said to her pero walang bahid ng sorry sa mukha ko. She just cringed pero hindi na sya nagprotesta pa. The cigarette stick was already in my mouth, hinihintay ko nalang makalabas ng campus para makapag sindi.

I exited the parking and proceeded sa exit ng school. May nakakainis na itim na Montero na nag cut saakin so binusinahan ko, without realizing it was Killian. I saw the plate number nung naka linya na kami sa exit. Bwiset. Nananadya pa ata.

Buti nalang Lian was not aware of his plate number. Syempre kasi ako lang yung aware. Inirapan ko yung sarili ko.

We got to the condo and Lian excitedly asked me. "What are you going to wear?"

"OMG don't dress me up please." I groaned.

"Fine, Ms. Sungit." She glared at me and disappeared sa bathroom para maligo. After taking a bath din, I decided to wear my ripped jeans, sneakers and just plain v-neck shirt and applied a little make up. Di na din ako nagdala ng kotse because gusto ko din uminom ng madami tonight.

Max was already there and may table na kami agad. Too bad for Lian, nasa smoking area nanaman kami sa labas. We decided to start with mixed drinks, then move on to vodka shots and wash it off with beer.

Nasa mixed drinks pa lang kami while we listened to Max rant about his lead actor that he decided to replace kanina, so they had to re-shoot almost everything nanaman. The actor was in trouble kasi nahuli for possession of illegal drugs so super iritang irita si Max.

"Ohmygod, di ko agad nabalita sa inyo, but Ryan texted me kanina!" Lian squeeled as soon as Max was through with his long rant, so naghihintay na kami nung vodka namin. "Ohmygod Li! Bakit di mo sinabi agad? When???" I said sincerely as I was glad he finally texted her. Nasabi ko din non kela Lian that Killian asked for her number presumably to give to Ryan.

"Kanina lang before mag exam. Di ko nasabi kasi nadistract na ko sa exam saka para mas madali na sabay nalang kayo." Lian said excitedly.

The consolation of that hellish midterms week was Lian was almost as miserable as I was. Knowing na alam na ni Ryan yung number nya, she was waiting for his text. Uso yata sa barkada nila yung mag paasa.

"Anong sabi baks?" Max asked as we all took our first shot ng vodka. Napasimangot si Lian sa lasa. "Hi." She answered.

"What yun lang??" Max was waiting for more. Napasimangot din ako. "Anong sinagot mo?" I asked her. "Wala pa. Actually yun nga itatanong ko sainyo! Anong irereply ko??" She asked quickly. Inirapan sya ni Max. "Jusko Li, pati ba naman yon? E di mag 'Hi' ka din!"

"Yun lang?" She asked. Natawa ako sa kanya. "Ano bang gusto mo? Mag I love you agad?" Biniro ko sya. "Gaga, seryoso ako." Lian took another shot parang kabado talaga sya. "Seryoso din kami. Sagutin mo na yan bago pa mag expire yang 'Hi' nya na yan." Max added.

We took another shot para sa lakas ng loob ni Lian. She finally replied and we took another shot for her habang naghihintay sya ng reply. I smiled kasi for once, Lian is experiencing all these things. Well it's not like she's had no boys before, but ngayon lang sya nagkaganito sa isang tao so I guess she really like Ryan.

"Ohmygod! Nagreply na sya!" Lian almost jumped from her chair. "Okay, shot ulit!" Max poured us vodka and we quickly drank it para malaman na yung text ni Ryan kay Lian. She opened the message. "Hi. Kala ko hindi ka na magrereply. Emoji smiing face!!!!" Lian said excitedly.

Naiinggit na ko sa kanya, but of course, nagconcentrate na lang ako sa saya nya. Pero maya-maya din, busy na sya sa pagtetext kay Ryan.

"Tignan mo yang si girl, nakalimutan na agad tayo." Umirap si Max sa direksyon ni Lian. But I was happy for her. Buti pa sya.

"Sooo. Kamusta si Attorney?" Max smiled childishly at me. Umirap ako sa kanya. Then Lian's attention was suddenly on me na din.

I blame all the alcohol we're drinking dahil di ko ineexpect na malulungkot ako. I finally told Lian and Max about Killian's parting words more than a week ago.

"What the hell you liar?!" Max shoved another shot at me. Lian pulled my hair, "Tangina Stace, bakit di mo sinabi yon??"

My inhibitions are totally forgotten dahil sa alcohol. "It's not exactly lying. I just didn't tell you." Inirapan ako ng dalawa kong kaibigan. "Same s**t, Stace! ANg dami mo ng hindi sinasabi saamin!" Max said ng pagalit. Guilty naman ako dun.

"I didn't tell you guys kasi I don't want to be distracted during midterms. And kasi it's pointless. Nakita mo naman kung paano nya ko iwasan diba???" I turned to Lian and was starting to rant. "After nyang sabihin yon, nasan kami ngayon? Wala. We can't even look at each other." I bitterly said.

"Anong sinasabi mo e nung last recitation mo, sobrang intense nyong dalawa. Parang nakalimutan nyang may klase sya." Lian commented. Weird nga nung recitation na yun. "And I was glaring at him all the time. I acted out puta. I acted out like some scorned lovesick girl." I pointed out.

"Hindi kaya dahil nahiya lang sya sa sinabi nya? Dahil estudyante ka nya?" Max suggested. Well that made more sense. "He can just say that. Di nya ko kailangang iwasan dahil alam ko naman yun. Maiintindihan ko naman yon. Was it that hard??" Nilabas ko na yung irita ko kay Killian and drank another shot.

"Actually, so what? Wala naman yun sa handbook. He's single, you're single." Lian argued. "Wala sa handbook but I'm pretty sure nasa code of ethics." I countered.

"Walang law s**t!" Max uttered loudly. "But hello, you're not going to be his student forever." Lian said again. "Basta, ang asshole move non." Umirap ako. Gusto ko lang ilabas yung inis ko kay Killian.

We drank more and sinabihan ko na sila na ayoko ng pagusapan. Pero di naman din kasi ibig sabihin non di ko na yon maiisip. Sobrang asar na asar pa din ako and it just intensified the more drunk I got.

"Hoy lasing na kayo, tara na. At alas tres na ng madaling araw!" Max said as Lian and I were laughing hysterically at something I couldn't remember. "Wait lang, CR lang ako." I declared and stood up.

Well that was a mistake. Nagsimula ng umikot yung mundo, pero I still insisted on going alone. Pa strong. Mga dalawang beses pa ko nawala. Pag pasok ko sa cubicle ng CR, I mindlessly took out my phone and dialled.

"Hello? Stacy? Asan ka? Anong oras na okay ka lang?" I heard Killian's sleepy voice na mukhang nagising ko sya. "Why would you tell me you like me?" I said in a demanding voice feeling the world completely spinning around me. I held on to the cubicle wall, trying not to fall over.

"Nasan ka?" He asked again mukhang tumayo sya dahil I can hear him opening his door. Pero syempre di ko yun pinansin. I'm the one asking. "Secret. Attorney, I'm the one asking questions here." Tuloy tuloy kong sinabi. "Well one question, do you really like me?" I demanded. I can hear him sigh and finally said "Yes."

"Well, I don't believe you." I said and ended the call.

"Stace?" I can hear Lian's voice outside looking for me. I opened the stall door and passed out ng nakayakap sa kanya.

The next morning, lumabas ako sa kwarto clutching my head. Hindi na umiikot yung mundo pero masakit yung ulo ko. I found Lian and Max having breakfast.

"Good morning sunshine!" Max said brightly. "Uggh, lower your voice." Sabi ko sakanya and I took his glass of water to drink at umupo din sa tabi nila.

"Paano tayo naka uwi kagabi?" I asked and massaged my head. "Grab, duh. OMG super lasing nyong dalawa. Ang bibigat nyo!" Max said laughing. Inirapan sya ni Lian. "I carried her outside the CR no." She pointed at me.

"What seriously? f**k, uuwi pa ko." I groaned I couldn't even remember that. Hindi ko pa rin binibitawan yung ulo ko, wondering if I could drive myself sa bahay namin. "I'll drive. Pwede naman ako mag Grab from your house. Basta pakain ng lunch sainyo ha." Max bit from his toast. My mom would love that. Ang tagal na nyang hindi nakikita si Max.

"Mars, you might want to check your phone. Tawag ng tawag sayo si Killian simula nung umalis tayo sa bar. Pasalamat kang hindi ko sinagot although gusto ko na talaga." Natatawang sabi ni Max.

Lumaki yung mata ko and my jaw fell. What the hell??? Parang nawala yung lasing ko at napatakbo ako sa kwarto to get my phone to look at my call log. I screamed aloud! I got a couple of missed calls from him but I can see clearly that I called him first. f**k.

"Maaaxxxxx!" I panicked at lumabas sa kanila. "Let's go!" I said. "Now na??" Sinimangutan ako ni Max at Lian. "Iiwan nyo ko?" Lian asked pero uuwi din naman sya sa bahay nila. Her dad will be here in a while.

"Oo! Baka puntahan ako ni Killian!!! I called him last night!" I groaned. "Anong sinabi mo?" Lian asked. "I don't know probably katangahan nanaman." Gusto ko nang maiyak.

"Max tara na I swear. Kahit kailangan kong gumapang paalis dito, gagawin ko na. Iiwan kita." I glared at my friend na parang aliw na aliw saakin. Di ako artista. But he probably thinks I'm being over. Aba hindi naman sya yung mapapahiya pag pumunta dito si Killian.

I hurried inside my room to stuff my laundry sa bag ko. I can hear my friends' laughter as I changed my clothes not bothering na maligo kasi pwede naman ako maligo sa bahay. Pag labas ko, I quickly brushed my teeth at hinila na palabas ng condo si Max and said a hurried goodbye to Lian.

Buong weekend kong tinititigan yung phone ko and at the same time hating it. Killian called again pero di ko ulit sinagot out of kahihiyan. Muntik ko pang malaglag yung telepono ko.

Tangina Stacy. Limpak limpak na yung nakakahiyang moments mo kay Killian! I promised myself na lalayuan ko na sya. Kailangan ko lang naman alalahanin lahat ng katangahan ko para di na magpakita sa kanya kahit kelan. Well except sa klase nya.

Sunday came and I decided to return ng gabi to make sure di ko sya makakasalubong somewhere sa condo. Bawat tigil ng elevator, napapapikit ako wishing it wasn't him.

When I got to our floor sumilip muna ako if may tao around. Tapos nagmamadali akong naglakad sa pintuan namin. I set down my things para kunin yung susi ko, but before I can find my keys, Lian already opened the door.

"Stace! Finally nandito ka na!" She said cheerfully.

Oh, something is up. Nagsisimula na kong mataranta. Di ko alam kung tatakbo ba ko palayo.

"May bisita ka. Kanina ka pa nya hinihintay." She eyed me but smiled. Kinaladkad nya ko with my bags papasok ng condo. And there sitting on the sofa, waiting, was Killian.

Shit.