Denying Destiny

Wait

I just looked at Killian at sya din nakatingin lang sakin in probably the longest 10 seconds of my life. He was sitting there casually on the sofa wearing a plain white shirt and maong pants with his slippers.

Then at the same time, we both wordlessly turned to Lian. "Okaaaaay. Sa kwarto muna ako. Let me know if gusto nyo ng kumain." Umatras sya tapos pumasok sa kwarto nya and dahan-dahan na sinara yung pinto. Umirap ako sa direksyon ng pinto nya. Inimbita pa nyang kumain?? Jusko.

Parang mali na iniwan nya kami. Kinakabahan akong humarap ulit kay Killian. But I know I had to deal with this alone. Mga ilang beses pa ba tong mangyayari? I promised myself that this will be the last time, and talagang lalayuan ko na sya, to keep this from happening.

I slowly walked towards the sofa to sit and his eyes bored down on me. Natutunaw ako. I wished hindi nalang nya ko tinitignan.

"So, care to tell me why you're ignoring my calls?" He faced me. Napilitan akong tumingin sa kanya. "I have nothing to say." I shrugged and said it with a dry voice. Dapat uminom muna ako ng tubig.

Ang liar ko. I probably said a lot nung tinawagan ko sya non sa bar. Tangina ano kayang mga pinagsasasabi ko? If I ranted to him about my feelings towards him, tatalon ako sa balcony namin.

He looked amused and touched his lips with his fingers his arm leaning sa sandalan ng sofa, his hand almost touching my back. He's analyizing me again, probably. My heart stopped. Bakit ang gwapo nya? I wanted to cry. I can't believe pinapahiya ko yung sarili ko sa taong to ng paulit-ulit at buhay pa ko.

"So ibig sabihin, di mo naaalalang tinawagan mo ko ng madaling araw?" He smiled curiously.

"No. Nakita ko nalang kinabukasan, I didn't even know na tumatawag ka pala after nung tawag ko. I'm sorry sobrang nakakahiya baka nagising pa kita non. Di ko na maalala talaga. Sobrang lasing ko non. And I didn't answer your call yesterday kasi nahihiya na talaga ako." I probably looked defeated. Or dying.

"Oh, I know na lasing ka." He slowly nodded and more amused than his normal self. "Actually nagising mo ko, at hindi na ko nakatulog kakaisip kung nasaan ka. Ayaw mong sabihin e. Alam mo bang akala ko nandito ka na sa unit nyo? I went here to check pero walang tao so malamang baka nasa labas kayo." He shook his head. Omg buti di nya kami naabutan nung pauwi kami.

"Gusto mo bang malaman yung mga sinabi mo?" Tinaasan nya ko ng kilay and asked me.

Gusto ko nga bang malaman? Omg baka sinabi kong gusto ko sya. "I don't know. Gaano ba nakakahiya yung mga pinagsasasabi ko?" Napapikit ako and looked straight para hindi ko sya makitang nakatingin saakin, hiyang hiya na ko. Nanaman. Do I really want to hear it?

He chuckled and I looked sideways at him again ng nakasimangot.

How can he simply sit here and chuckle?? Pag tapos nya kong iwasan ng halos dalawang linggo?? Na parang wala nalang nangyari? Na parang hindi nya pinaassume sakin na gusto nga nya ko?? Inirapan ko sya.

"Tinanong mo ko kung bakit ko sinabi sayong I like you and kung totoo ba yun." He said habang naaaliw saakin.

"Oh my god I'm so sorry." I groaned mortified at myself. "Okay lang. It was...amusing." He smiled boyishly.

"I'm glad you were entertained." I retorted.

Di ko alam kung tatanungin ko sya kung ano pang pinagsasasabi ko or kung kaya ko bang malaman yung mga sinagot nya sakin.

Puta! Did I tell him kung gaano ko sya kagusto? Iniyakan ko ba sya? Grabe na yung simangot sa mukha ko. Or more like uminom ako ng shot ng vinegar. Gusto kong lumubog sa lupa. Sana hindi nalang nya ko pinuntahan ngayon.

"Anong iniisip mo?" He suddenly asked me since he was trying to read the expression on my face. "Na sana hindi mo nalang ako pinapansin ulit." I uttered. He fell silent and bit his lower lip clearly thinking about something.

"I want to apologize for that. Hindi ko intention na to leave you like that ng wala man lang explanation. That I didn't even talked to you after. It was really stupid of me." He said sincerely. He looked guilty and malungkot. Shet. Ayoko na. Naalala ko nanaman how tormented I was that week, on top of our exams. I stayed silent.

"I told you I like you nung huli akong nandito, baka sakaling di mo nagets yon. Inulit ko nung tinanong mo ko nung lasing ka. And ang sabi mo din non na hindi ka naniniwala. Pero totoo talaga yon. But Stace...hindi pwede." Kakaiba yung nakikita kong itsura sa kanya ngayon. Di ko alam if he's struggling with something. Parang meron pa syang gustong ipaintindi na hindi ko naman alam kung ano yun. I just nodded.

Di ko tuloy alam if kikiligin ako knowing na I wasn't wrong with my delusions na gusto din nya ko or malulungkot ako kasi hindi naman kami talaga pwede. Siguro mas lungkot. Iiyakan ko nalang to mamaya.

"Alam ko naman yon." I silently said pero alam kong narinig nya.

"I wasn't able to deny to myself how I feel about you kaya ko yun nasabi sayo. Nung iniiwasan kita, I tried to get you off my mind baka sakaling kaya ko, pero hindi. I found myself wishing na makasalubong kita sa school. It took all my courage to lock myself sa condo ko knowing na nasa baba ka lang nagaaral for your exams. Alam kong naiinis ka sakin with my actions dahil halos isampal mo na saakin yung exam booklet mo. I would have deserved it." He smiled a little nung naalala nya yun. Di ako mahihiya sa ginawa ko kahit di ko sya nasampal kasi I really wanted to do that. Kung hindi siguro sya prof, nagawa ko nang ibato yung booklet ko sa mukha nya.

"And sa totoo lang...may mga kailangan pa kong ayusin. But I'll do that as soon as I can." Ngayon naman parang he's reassuring me. For what? Kumunot yung noo ko wondering what that is. "I can't say it right now kasi this is already complicated as it is." He continued referring to what we have. Ano nga ba to? What exactly do we have? Nothing?

Sige, ayoko nang macurious kasi sa totoo lang, it doesn't do me any good whenever I over-analyze things. Lalu na pag dating sa kanya. Mamaya matawagan ko nanaman sya habang lasing ako.

"Weird kasi I like you so much kahit na I shouldn't, but I also can't stay way from you." He chuckled but more sadly this time. I can relate to that. I sighed heavily.

His words pinched my heart. What do you say to that? Should I also tell him I like him? Would it even matter? We're nothing diba?

"Stace can I ask you something before I leave?" He hesitated. Parang nagdadalawang isip pa sya if he should do it. I just waited for his question.

"Is it crazy for me to assume that you also feel the same way saakin?" Namula yung tenga nya. I can imagine how embarrasing for him to even ask me this. And sobrang hindi ko to ineexpect. Well at least alam kong hindi lang ako yung nahihiya.

Pero hindi pa ba halata na gusto ko sya dahil sa dami na ng nakakahiyang moments na pinag gagagawa ko o nagagawa ko dahil nandyan sya? And apparently, kahit wala sya nung nalasing ako, I still managed to royally embarass myself to him. Di naman ako ganito. Sa kanya lang.

Para sa taong matalino di pa ba nya nahahalata yun? Iniisip ba nyang normal ko yun?

"Kasi mamaya kung ano ano yung pinagsasabi ko ngayon, yun pala you don't feel the same way. Pinapahiya ko lang pala yung sarili ko sayo." He smiled awkwardly, anticipating what I might say next. Killian? Awkward?

"No, you're not crazy to assume that." I smiled a little ayoko nang mag elaborate kung gaano ko sya kagusto. Nakahinga sya. His relief was an enigma to me.

Whhaaatttt. Ako dapat yung ganyan e. Yung palaging kabado at awkward when he's around. Like right now. Lalu na dahil I just told him na gusto ko sya. Pero mas curious ako kung bakit ganon yung reaction nya. It was like he was hoping for what I said.

Pero sabi ko nga, feeling ko naman sobrang halata na gusto ko sya. But seeing him like this is...different. Like it mattered to him na malaman nya or masabi ko sakanya out loud kung gusto ko din sya. Unang beses ba nyang magtanong sa babae kung gusto sya nito? It's surprising. Sya pa.

Killian was the type of guy who can break hearts (a lot of it) kahit hindi nya sinasadya or hindi nya alam or kahit wala syang gawin. I imagine girls falling all over him kung saan man sya tumungtong. If nakilala ko sya nung highschool, he would definitely be the crush ng bayan. At kasama na ko dun sa sambayanan na yon. I'd be drawing his name on the margin of my books or notebooks or trying out my name with his last name. Hihintaying masulyapan sa corridors. Maeexcite every first day to see if kaklase ko sya. Yung masaya na kong nasa isang pila kami sa canteen. And I would definitely be one of the hundreds who would be crying their hearts out because he didn't know I even existed and pag napili nyang ligawan yung pinaka magandang babae sa school. Yung bagay sa kanya. Yes, sya yung guy na di mo lang magiging crush. Sya yung guy na magiging patay na patay ka. Dahil sya yung guy na napaka daling magustuhan at mahalin.

Nakangiti syang tumayo. "Okay, that was a relief." He said.

"Relief dahil di lang ikaw yung...hindi mageenjoy pag nagkita tayo?" I also stood up. I almost said 'magiging miserable pag nagkita tayo' or 'would probably die inside pag nagkita tayo'. Pero syempre baka ako lang yon. Malay ko sa kanya.

He nodded and smiled a little and walked towards the door. It was like the night he had dinner here, pero baka sa malamang hindi na pareho yung ending. I didn't know what to feel about this night. Parang kailangan ko pa ng oras to process this. Pero, I know na malungkot ako.

He turned around again to face me as soon as he was out of the door. "Listen Stacy, I really like you and sana maniwala ka don. I want to date you. But I want to do it the right way. Madami akong kailangan ayusin before I can...ask you out. Properly." He paused. "Ummm, what I'm trying to say is, sana you can wait for me. I mean I'm asking it so di mo ko kailangan sagutin ngayon or anything and I'm not pressuring you to say yes. I'll understand din if ayaw mo. Okay sorry, I'm blabbing. Eto nalang para simple, I HOPE you can wait. For me."

Hindi ako makahinga. He actually said WAIT. FOR HIM. Sobrang natigilan ako dun. I just stood there gulat, but I smiled at him. Sana smile nga yung nabigay ko sa kanya.

"Sorry Stacy, for the past two weeks." He apologized again.

"It's okay. I understand, Killian." I tried to shake off yung gulat ko and smiled at him. "Good night." I bade him goodbye.

"Good night. I'll see you tomorrow." He smiled boyishly and turned around to walk away.

Nakasimangot kong sinara yung pintuan namin. Wait. For him.

Lian's bedroom door immediately flew open. "Oh. My. God." She dramatically said. Inirapan ko sya. "What did you hear?" I asked her as I went sa ref to get myself a beer. I really need this pagkatapos ng pinagusapan namin.

Imposibleng wala syang narinig. Knowing Lian, baka buong oras na naguusap kami ni Killian nasa pintuan lang ng kwarto yung tenga nya. I settled sa sofa and halos tumalon na si Lian para umupo din. Clearly elated na willing akong magkwento.

I looked at her waiting for her answer. Sya naman yung umirap. "Ang hirap nyo marinig. I heard you saying sorry? And yung sa iwas? Per putol putol kasi minsan napaka hina ng mga boses nyo."

"Yeah nagsorry ako dahil dun sa drunk call." Napapikit nanaman ako.

"So ano daw sinabi mo?" Lian asked intently.

"Tinanong ko daw sya kung bakit nya sinabi saakin that he likes me and if totoo." I defeatedly said. "Natatandaan mo ba kung anong sinagot nya? Or tinanong mo sa kanya?" She followed up. "No di ko matanong kasi nahiya na ko e. Pero he told me." I stared at the TV na hindi naman nakabukas while drinking my beer.

"He told me na totoong gusto nya ko and he mentioned that I said that I don't believe him." I answered her. Siguro kung hindi lang ako mukhang malungkot, baka nagtatatalon na si Lian sa tuwa. "Wait ano pa?" She can only ask.

"He also told me na kahit gusto nya ko, hindi pwede." I sadly said. Kahit na alam ko naman na yun. Alam na alam ko yun dahil yun din naman yung rason ko kung bakit hindi ko magawang iacknowledge sa mga kaibigan ko na gusto ko sya. Why I kept denying it.

"Yun na yon? Parang ang tagal nyong nag usap?" Lian tried again.

Well there's no point to not tell her yung gist ng lahat. "Nag sorry sya dahil iniwasan nya ko without any explanations. And the weird thing was kahit alam daw nyang di kami pwede, di daw nya ko malayuan. He was trying." I paused kasi mukhang kinikilig nanaman si Lian. She fixed her expression dahil mukha naman talaga akong malungkot.

I continued. "He asked me if I liked him, and I said yes. Even if it doesn't matter kasi nga hindi kami pwede. And it's complicated din daw kasi madami pa daw syang kailangang ayusin pero hindi ko na tinanong kung ano dahil totoo naman na masyado ng complicated. But he asked me if I could wait for him." Yon, di na nakayanan ni Lian yung sarili nya. Lumaki yung mata nya sa gulat. Same Li, same. But wala akong sasabihin.

"He asked you to wait for him??" She excitedly said stressing on the word 'wait'. Pero di ko magawang maexcite. Alam ko kasi what she'll bring up next with those uttered words. "Yung hula." She dramatically whispered.

"Li, sorry pero wala na ko sa mood makipag talo sayo dyan sa hula. Malungkot lang talaga ako ngayon." I leaned on her shoulder. "Okay sorry, sorry." She apologized.

"So, will you wait for him?" She asked me quietly.

"Di ko alam. I mean until when? I have a feeling na kahit di na natin sya prof, hindi pa din pwede. Pag graduate natin, how sure am I na gusto pa nya ko at that time? Baka hanggang ganito nalang talaga kami. Gusto nya ko, gusto ko sya, pero hindi talaga pwede." I said sadly.