Denying Destiny

Friends?

Atty. Roxas: Stace, please tell your classmates walang class later. Thanks!

His text was what I woke up to. As if I wasn't feeling shitty enough, hindi ko pa sya makikita ngayong araw. I didn't want to get out of my bed. Sana di din feel pumasok ni Lian sa klase, tutal naman kakatapos lang ng midterms.

I couldn't help but think kung babalik nanaman kami sa di pagpapansinan. I wanted so bad to ask why. Okay, I'm now turning into the girl who needed explanations from a guy. Stacy, stop. Whatever his explanation is, di mo kailangan malaman at lalung wala syang obligasyon na mag sabi sayo.

I typed a neutral reply.

Me: Noted, Atty.

Labag man sa kalooban ko, I pulled myself out of my bed para pumasok. I asked Lian to text our classmates to inform them na walang pasok kay Atty. Roxas while I was driving.

Our morning was uneventful. Our Poli professor discussed answers to our midterms in which I scored a very decent grade, I silently thanked Atty. Lopez at sa lahat nang pagpapahirap nya sakin before sa mga Consti classes namin sa kanya.

"Gusto mo mag aral ng maaga?" Lian asked me as we headed out sa parking area after our classes. Sumimangot ako sa kanya. "Sabi ko nga, wala ka sa mood. Girl baka naman may emergency. Or may ibang ginagawa." Lian continued.

"I don't care." I said as a matter of factly and continued walking. "Hoy, lagpas ka na sa kotse mo." Lian called out at me. I turned around at nakasimangot na bumalik sa kotse ko. "Di daw affected pero nawala sa parking." Lian said smiling. Inirapan ko sya as I dumped my things sa likod ng kotse ko.

Pag dating sa apartment, dumeretcho ako sa kwarto ko. I changed into my pambahay and I decided to cook adobo for lunch to take my thoughts off Killian. Iniwan ko din yung phone ko sa kwarto ko to stop myself from looking at it every 10 seconds or so.

"Wag ka ngang masungit! Tama na yung may isang masungit dito, nagsasabay pa kayo." Lian dramatically yelled at Max while we were eating our late lunch. Lian decided to call Max para makwento sa kanya yung nangyari kagabi.

"Girl I swear sobrang stressed ako dito. Kalahati lang ng utak ko yung nagprocess ng kwento mo. Yung kalahati iniisip kung paano ko papalabasin yung gusto kong eksena in 5 mins. Napepressure na ko!" Max said with the same intensity as Lian. "Promise bawi ako pag nagkita tayo. Hi kay Attorney Gwapo kailangan ko na lumabas ng tent." Max blew us kisses, habang nakasimangot ako sa pagmention nya kay Killian, and nagmamadaling binaba yung facetime call namin habang hindi pa kami nagpapaalam sa kanya.

Sanay na din naman kami. Ganyan si Max pag stressed sya sa set. Well actually pag stressed sya in general kaya di na din kami naooffend ni Lian.

"Alam mo Stace, di ka direktor pero mas masungit ka pa kay Max ngayon." Lian commented habang hinuhugasan nya yung mga plato namin. "Di ako affected." I brushed her off. Yeah right. "Pwede ba sabihin mo yan sa maniniwala sayo." Lian had the tone na she's not putting up with my sulking attitude anymore.

"Okay, sorry Li. Libre nalang kitang kape sa baba ok?" I apologized to her and natuwa naman sya agad. Lian is so easy to be with, and I was indeed sorry na nadadamay ko pa sya sa bad mood ko ngayong araw.

God, Stacy, pull yourself together. Coffee and a good book might help, I convinced myself. Tutal wala na ko sa mood mag aral sa baba but I promised Lian coffee.

As soon as Lian gathered her stuff to study, we headed downstairs. Automatic, kahit ayaw ko, I scanned around. Hindi naman ako nagulat na wala dun si Killian. I only ordered hot chocolate para makatulog ako mamaya. Di ako makapaniwala kung gaano ka miserable ngayon.

"Wag mo nang hanapin, mababadtrip ka lang." Lian said in a concerned manner. Tama naman sya.

Among other things, yun yung nararamdaman ko. Naalala ko kung gaano ko sya ka-gustong makita nung nainis sya sakin. Mas grabe yung nararamdaman ko ngayon. I couldn't help but think if iniiwasan nanaman nya ko, kahit pinilit ko ng sabihin sa sarili ko na wag kong iisipin yon.

"Saka girl, di ba sabi mo hindi kayo pwede. Na hanggang ganito nalang kayo? So don't torture yourself." Lian reminded me. I can only nod. Tama nanaman yon.

I just immersed myself sa librong binabasa ko habang nagsosoundtrip refusing to be distracted by thoughts of Killian. I intentonally left my phone sa kwarto ko and it helped a lot. Mas naging ok yung mood ko. By the time we went up sa condo, I wasn't even bothered anymore na hindi na ulit nagparamdam si Killian.

I promised myself not to be affected like that ever again. Or try.

Wednesday came and by that time, napractice ko na yung unbothered attitude ko kaya ready na ko pag dating sa klase ni Killian. Kaso kinailangan kong manigarilyo before class pampalakas ng loob so I arrived late for class. It was my turn not to look at Killian as I passed him and kept my neutral face.

"Cold mo girl." Lian whispered to me pero with a hint of humor and I just shrugged. I wanted to act like everything didn't happen. Na Killian was just one of our professors. I needed to move on from this. At kung kailangan kong bumalik sa umpisa, gagawin ko yun.

"Okay class, after I hand in your booklets, we'll discuss the answers. And yes, someone got the incentive. Highest in this exam got 91%." Tumaas kilay nya as if he couldn't believe that someone could actually get it. I controlled myself from rolling my eyes. Feeler. Pero mahirap naman talaga yung exam nya.

Killian started handing out our exam booklets. Lian was ecstatic. She got 88% which was a high grade. "Omg sayang. Malapit na to sa 91%." Lian smiled while scanning her points sa answers. "Ms. Valdez." I was finally called. I unceremoniously stood up and got my booklet without glancing at him and opened it. Napatigil ako because there, written in red ink, the grade of 91%. I got the incentive.

Napaupo ako with a blank face not knowing if getting the incentive was a blessing or not. Dati I would've killed for that kind of internship. But ngayon, mukhang yung plus grade sa finals nalang yung kukunin ko. It would be too complicated to intern for him.

"Anong nakuha mo?" Lian asked. "91." I flatly answered. "What the. Ginalingan mo nanaman e!" Lian grabbed my exam from my hands and scanned it.

"So anong kukunin mo?" Lian asked me again.

"Yung plus sa finals."

"Huh bakit? Halos magkandarapa ka na sa internship na maganda. Tapos eto na, papalagpasin mo lang? Don't tell me dahil sa kanya? Stace take it. Ikaw na din nagsabi na most likely wala sya don kasi nagtuturo sya." Tuloy-tuloy na sabi ni Lian para di ako magkaron ng chance na kumontra sa kanya.

Buti nalang Lian was interrupted nung tumayo na si Killian and began discussing the answers to the exam. I busied myself with writing the answers I got wrong or lacked. Everything I did was mechanical. Di ko maamin sa sarili kong umiiwas lang ako sa eye contact nya.

Killian dismissed our class earlier and announced the coverage for the recitation next meeting.

Before I can stand up, he called me over. Our classmates started filing out of the classroom clearly excited dahil maaga kaming nadismiss. And tumayo na din si Lian. "Hintayin kita sa labas." She said passing me. Traitor.

Tumayo ako and gathered my things so I can probably run off after he talks to me. I approached Killian. "So Ms. Valdez, congratulations." He smiled at me. I tried to return it and said, "Thank you, Attorney." Yup, keep it formal, Stace. I internally cheered myself. But I still felt miserable.

"I just want to ask what choice are you going for. The plus points or the internship?" He stood up and got his bag. It only meant that he wanted me to walk with him so we can discuss it further.

Napaisip nanaman ako about the incentive. May point naman si Lian sa internship. Pero pag pinili ko yung plus points, tapos na. Simple. I take the effin exam, pass his subject and di na complicated kasi di ko na sya makikita ulit sa klase. Nasabi ko namang miserable na ko diba?

Nagulat si Lian dahil sabay kaming lumabas ni Killian sa classroom, di nya alam kung sasabayan nya kaming dalawa. I just handed her my car keys and she turned and hurried off.

"Umm, pag iisipan ko pa, sir." Tinaasan ako ng kilay ni Killian at bumalik nanaman yung usual na tingin nya sakin. He is making this hard for me. Iniwas ko nalang yung tingin ko and looked straight ahead while we walked.

"May internship ka na ba?" He asked me and I just shook my head. No point in lying. Problema ko naman yon, not his. "Then go for the internship. Madaming magagaling na lawyers sa firm namin. Matututo ka sa kanila." He said. Somehow I felt that he was leaving himself out intentionally para lang kunin ko yung internship. Or pwede din naman na he's barely there anyway. I chewed the insides of my cheek, thinking about it.

"Well, think about it. You have until the week before finals to decide." Killian said when we got sa may stairs. "Okay, sir. I'll definitely think about it. Thanks." I gave him a half-smile then turned around para bumaba, not looking back. But I felt shitty again. Talking to him and walking with him so closely was...sad.

"Alam mo, at least be excited diba?" Lian said to me. "I am." I said, exhausted from all the hounding she had been doing the whole car ride hanggang makarating kami sa condo. Alam ko namang di nya ko titigilan about it. Inaamin ko din naman na Lian made very good points on why I have to choose the internship. "Liar." Lian rolled her eyes at me. I want to say na I don't want anything to do with him anymore, but again, I'm a liar. And in denial.

"Ohmygod!" Lian suddenly shrieked and halos mapatalon na ko sa gulat. I faced her dahil akala ko kung anong nangyari nanaman sa kanya. Lian was staring at her phone and dancing around. "Hoy anong meron?" I asked her. "Ryan asked me out on a date!!!!" Lian jumped around and hugged me.

Natawa ako sa ginawa ni Lian. Finally, some good news around here. "Ohmygod Li! I'm so happy for you! Kelan?" Nahawa na ko sa excitement ni Lian. "Tomorrow!!! Wala daw syang duty!" Lian was almost in tears and I chuckled. "Go! Omg kahit di ka mag aral G yan!!" I encouraged her. Minsan lang maexcite si Lian over a guy so she deserves this date.

We spent the rest of the afternoon deciding what Lian should wear on her date. Nakakahawa yung saya ni Lian. After a quick Facetime call kay Max, na hindi parin tapos ang stress but was also excited for Lian, we headed down sa Starbucks to study.

Lian wanted to cover all she can para daw pag natawag sya sa recitation, may masagot man lang sya. Pero in reality wala na daw syang pakielam kung wala syang masagot kasi makakapangasawa na daw sya ng doctor. It made me laugh. Very Lian. Unang date pa lang nila ni Ryan and she was already planning her future with him.

Well Ryan seemed like a decent guy and definitely bagay sila ni Lian. She was in Cloud 9 the whole evening and I was just feeding off from all her happiness para magood vibes din ako. It was working.

Yun lang di mapakali si Lian sa excitement nya. She kept asking me if she thinks bagay sila, ok na ba yung susuotin nya, what they should talk about, at kung ano ano pa. Clearly, she super likes Ryan. And nagsisimula na din akong kiligin sa kanilang dalawa. And naiingit na ko.

"Girl, di ko na kaya naiihi nanaman ako." Lian giggled like a schoolgirl and she jumped up to hurry over sa pila ng restroom. Mga pangatlong beses na yon and I just shook my head on how very Lian she is right now. I wished Max was here para magood vibes din sya. We both need it.

I can't help but think how easy it would have been if I liked someone else at hindi si Killian. Yung malalabas ko yung kilig ko and it wouldn't be so complicated. Natulala nalang ako thinking about it. Imagining myself being with someone else. Maybe I should date around? As if masisiksik ko pa yun sa oras ko. Well hindi naman masamang magimagine. And if I decide to do it, I think I would also deserve it.

At the same time, I also drifted off thinking what if nakilala ko si Killian under different circumstances. Would I fall for him? Would he fall for me? Magiging kami na kaya finally? Or it would be a web of complications parin?

Hindi ko na namalayang may umupo na pala sa upuan ni Lian at nakatitig lang saakin. I was surprised that it was Killian. Nanlaki yung mata ko at napaayos ko ng upo dahil naka taas na yung dalawang legs ko sa arm rest ng couch na inuupuan ko. Na parang nasa bahay nanaman ako. Killian smiled at me, at tumigil nanaman yung mundo ko.

"Yes?" I asked him, returning his smile. Damn Lian's happy glow! I was also happy kaya di ko nasummon yung unaffected attitude kong ginamit kanina. "Ang saya mo ha." Killian commented, amused. "Yeah, finally magdedate na si Ryan at Lian." I said. Killian smiled. "Buti naman. Ang busy kasi non masyado." He said referring to his friend.

Tinaasan ko sya ng dalawang kilay to signal what he was doing dito sa table namin.

"Ummm, I wanted to ask you something. But I won't be offended if you say no." He said slowly, as if nahihiya sya. I frowned. I can't help but feel anxious. Di nanaman ako makahinga at naririnig ko nanaman sa tenga ko yung t***k ng puso ko. I wished Killian would just get it over with di yung nagbuibuild-up pa yung anticipation. Or baka ako lang yon. "Can we be friends?" He finally asked.

Di ko alam kung anong mararamdaman ko. Masaya dahil magpapansinan na ulit kami like normal people or malulungkot kasi I was relegated to the relationship purgatory called friendzone.

Killian waited for my answer as all these thoughts raced through my mind. Pero di ba parang friends naman na kami bago pa sya umamin na he likes me? I took a deep breath and answered him, "Yeah, sure. Why not." I thought it was better than nothing. Purgatory, after all, was better than hell.

Killian beamed at me. I wanted to faint dahil pareho parin yung nararamdaman ko tuwing nginingitian nya ko. God why do I have to fall for this guy? Pwede namang sa iba diba?

Now I wasn't sure if this would be purgatory or my own personal hell. Naiiyak na ko at the fact that I can't have him.

It hurts. "Thanks, Stace." He finally stood up kasi dumating na si Lian so he can give her seat back. "Congrats, Lian sa date." He smiled at her. "Thanks!" Lian exclaimed. Inirapan ko sya, glad I can react to something else.

"Anong kailangan nya?" Lian whispered while still looking at Killian. "Umm he asked me if pwede kaming maging friends." I tried to hide any emotion from my voice. Lian frowned. "Wait, so sa friendzone ka maghihintay?" Lian echoed one of my many thoughts. "KUNG maghihintay ako." I pointed. I wasn't sure of that yet. Di ko alam kung kakayanin kong madisappoint all day everyday over that.

Would it be easier to just get over him than to wait? And if I wait may mapapala ba ko? I liked him so easily and ganon din sya. Who knows kung gaano din kabilis para sakanya na marealize na baka infatuation lang to? After all, sya yung dream guy and I was the girl who longed for him. It didn't make any sense for him to like me. Hindi ako interesting, in fact I barely talk. Di ako yung pinaka maganda. I was average. And he is Killian Roxas.

"Anong sinabi mo?" Lian broke my thoughts. "Yes." I answered her. "Shucks Stace, sure ka ba? Hindi ba torture yon? I mean tagal mong pinapractice na ayawan sya tapos ganito?" Yes, napansin lahat ni Lian. I pinched the bridge of my nose feeling a major migraine creeping in. "Yeah, I mean what could go wrong diba?" Everything. I answered my own question.

Everything could go wrong.

And I think it did. Dahil "friends" na kami, dun na nakikitable samin ni Lian si Killian sa Starbucks. He also brings us dinner almost everyday and sabay-sabay kaming kumakain. I had to pretend I was okay pag kasama namin sya. On the upside, he invites Ryan over pag available sya for Lian. And fun pag nandun si Ryan siguro dahil di ko kailangan ibalance kung sino sa kanila ni Lian yung kakausapin ko like Ryan's another option. Mas madalas kong iniinterview si Ryan pag nandun sya.

Every time na kinakausap ako ni Killian, masakit. At lalu na kapag nginingitian pa nya ko, which was all the time. I was reminded na hindi pala basta-basta yung nararamdaman ko para sakanya. The longing multiplied together with the emotional torture. So ganito pala yung feeling kapag in love ka sa kabarkada mo? Or yung feeling na you're pining over someone na hindi pwede. Uggghhh.

"Hoy, Stace, anong gagawin natin sa birthday mo?" Lian suddenly asked me habang nagaaral kami one Monday night sa Stabucks. I wanted to glare at her dahil kasama namin si Killian. "Wow kelan birthday mo?" Killian looked up from his laptop and smiled at me. Wag mo kong ngitian please kasi tumitigil yung puso ko!

"Sa Saturday. Wala ayokong magcelebrate. Mamaya hatakin nanaman tayo ni Max sa club, ayoko na." I wrinkled my nose. Sanay na kong nag aaral lang tuwing birthday ko. "Corny" Lian mumbled under hear breath at natawa si Killian.

In the course of the few weeks na magkaksama kami, nakita na ni Killian yung masungit na side ko. Not intentionally kong pinapakita kasi I just find it easier to shut up instead of finding more reasons to hopelessly fall for him.

"Stace, okay ka lang ba?" Lian asked me as we entered our unit coming from one of our usual study tambay sessions. "Yeah." I answered. "Stop lying. What's wrong?" She dropped her books sa mesa and faced me with her hands on her hips. She reminded me of my mom.

"Wala. Mahirap din pala na friends kami." I finally admitted. "Mas lalu ko lang narerealize na sobrang gusto ko sya pero hindi pwede." I continued.

Lian gave me a hug.

"Bakit mo palaging kinakalimutan na gusto ka din nya at may choice ka naman na hintayin sya?" She asked me, letting me go. "Or you're just fighting and denying your destiny kasi hindi ka naniniwala don?"

I gave her a tired look. "Alam mo naman yung sagot Li. Di ako naniniwala don. And nakita mo naman sya diba? It doesn't make sense for him to like me."

"God Stace. Ilang beses ba namin sasabihin sayong napaka ganda mo?? May problema ba yang salamin mo sa kwarto? Bawat delivery boy na kumakatok dyan sa pinto natin, nganga pag ikaw nagbubukas. Saka lahat ng lalake sa block natin non ikaw yung crush. Akala mo mahilig lang silang manlibre?" Iritang sabi ni Lian sakin. "Okay sige if yan talaga yung iniisip mo, just try to convince yourself na di mo sya gusto. Kasi feeling ko tuwing tinitignan ka nya, naririnig ko yung puso mo."

Natawa ako dun kasi totoo. Maybe I was indeed denying myself. Not of my destiny s**t. I'm denying myself of the chance to move on from this. Hindi ba I promised myself na I'll try? Not pine for him everytime na magkaharap kami at magkatabi kami at naaamoy ko sya at nahihimatay sa ngiti nya.

I have to try harder. For myself.

"Happy birthday!" Max greeted me with a big hug as he entered our condo unit. Despite my protests, Lian insisted that we do a get-together para salubungin yung birthday ko on a Friday the day before my birthday since uuwi ako sa bahay namin to have dinner with my family. Kami kami lang nila Max, Lian, Ryan and Killian.

Si Max pa lang yung unang dumating. Lian insisted on cooking steak for everyone and made everyone bring wine para drink your own wine daw. Ryan volunteered to bring pasta and si Killian cake daw.

"Asan si Doc at Attorney?" He asked as he placed his gift sa counter.

"Nagmemake up pa." I answered him. I insisted on dressing up casually meaning naka shorts lang ako at tank top. Jusko pag dumating si Ryan at Killian ng nakabihis, mapipilitan pa kong mag palit. Pero birthday ko naman, so keri na.

Soon after, Ryan and Killian arrived. "Happy birthday Ms. Sungit!" Ryan said enthusiastically and bumeso sya sakin and hugged me. He also handed me a gift. "Thanks, Ry." I smiled at him. Killian followed him and gave me a kiss on my cheek "Happy birthday Stace." Then hugged me. Puta yung reaction nanaman ng puso ko kakaiba! He also handed me his gift and nilapag nila yung mga pagkain sa mesa.

"Ako walang kiss Attorney?" Max joked. Sanay na din yung dalawa kay Max kasi nagsama-sama na din kaming tumambay at magkape.

I admit, masaya yung gabi na to. The food was good. As always, Max provided almost lahat ng kwento and chill lang lahat. They insisted I open my gifts sa harap nila. I silently prayed na Max got me something decent. My last birthday he gave me undies na nakakahiyang isuot.

Lian gave me make up. Thankfully, Max cooperated and gave me an iPad case. Ryan gave me a book that I was aking him about and I couldn't find sa bookstores. Killian gave me a watch. A f*****g Daniel Wellington watch.

"Hoy attorney bakit mo ginagalingan?!" Pabirong sinuntok ni Ryan si Killian sa braso. "Fineflex lang nya na mayaman sya." Max rolled his eyes at Killian tapos nagtawanan kami.

After that, nag inuman parin kami and I blew the candles on my cake pag dating ng 12am. It turned out to be a perfect birthday salubong.

When I arrived home, more birthday celebrations happened. My mom invited my closest cousins and my grandparents na sobrang namiss ko for lunch.

"Ate, someone's at the door for you. Delivery yata." My younger sister, Kim told me. And I got out sa gate namin. Nagulat ako sa ganda ng flowers na sumalubong saakin. "Ms. Stacy Valdez?" The delivery boy asked me. "Yes po." He handed me a paper to sign then gave me the gorgeous huge bouquet of flowers.

I wondered kung kanino galing. I had to twist it around sa laki to find any card and meron sa kabilang side. I struggled to open it.

Happy birthday to the perfect girl I've ever met.

I do hope you can wait for me. I promise to make it all worth it for you.

Love always,

Killian