Denying Destiny

Ang Katuparan Ng Isang Hula

"I'm taking the internship, Attorney." I told Killian after our last class before our final exams next week. He called me after class to ask about my choice.

He slowly nodded. "Noted Ms. Valdez, I guess I'll see you sa firm in two weeks." He now smiled broadly. "Two weeks?" Tinaasan ko sya ng kilay. "Yeah, ayaw mo bang magsimula during sembreak para tapos na before ka mag midterms next sem? You can just enroll it next sem pero at least patapos ka na diba?" Tinaasan din nya ko ng kilay as he stood up and gathered his things.

It actually made sense so I had to agree. "Okay." Was all I could say as I turned to leave the classroom kung saan dalawa nalang kaming natitira. "By the way, dinner daw sabi ni Ryan. Sa condo ko naman." He told me bago pa ko nakalingon. Tumungo nalang ako.

Like all things between us, the flowers he gave me remained unrecognized. Nasasanay na din ako. Of course, kinilig ako nung natanggap ko yon but I had to hide the card at kung kanino nanggaling from my family tulad nalang ng pagtago ko sa kung ano mang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya.

It could've been easier kung hindi ko lang talaga sya nakikita araw-araw. Para syang mushroom na sulpot ng sulpot almost everywhere. Pag nag aaral kami sa Starbucks, nandun sya. Pag nagyoyosi ako sa school, nandun sya. Minsan kahit naglalakad ako sa hallways, palagi ko syang nakakasalubong. Buti nalang pag sa labas kami nagkikita or pag nagyayaya sya ng dinner (na palaging tuwang-tuwang pumapayag si Lian), kasama din nya si Ryan so may additional distraction ako. Pero dahil mukhang malapit na maging si Lian at Ryan, nagmumukha kaming third at fourth wheel.

So bakit ako awkward kahit na alam kong gusto nya ko? Kasi I feel I needed to mimic his lack of feelings pag magkasama kami. Kahit na palaging sinasabi ni Lian na palagi daw akong tinititigan ni Killian pag magkakasama kami saka mukhang interesadong interesado sya sa kung ano mang sinasabi ko pag naguusap usap kami. Ganon din sinasabi ni Max. Pareho silang tuwang-tuwa sa emotional attraction/tension na nangyayari saamin ni Killian.

Both my friends agree with each other na I should wait for him. Ako, I somehow feel na delikadong hintayin ko sya. Though I can't pinpoint exactly why. Dahil pa-finals na kami, to wait for him, if yon talaga yung gusto ko, would be easy.

After this sem, di ko na sya prof. Pero somehow feeling ko, di pa din kami pwedeng magpakita sa mga tao na we're together if we actually really do end up together. And do I really want na palagi lang kaming magtatago? Can I even introduce him to my parents? "Ma, dad, si Killian boyfriend ko and by the way prof ko din sya before"?

Muntik nanaman akong lumagpas sa sarili kong kotse kung hindi lang ako hinila ni Lian sa damit ko. "Hoy mas distracted ka pa kesa sakin." She stated the obvious. Lately wala syang ginawa kundi makipag text kay Ryan. Di ko nga alam paano nagagawa ni Ryan yon kung may mga pasyente sya. Well at least sya hindi lang bulaklak yung effort. Ay bitter ba ko?

"I took the internship." I told her as I unlocked the car doors. "Obvious naman yun yung pipiliin mo." Inirapan nya ko. I want to think na obvious yung choice ko kasi I needed it. Hindi ko na sya tinanong. Lokohin mo nalang sarili mo Stace, tutal sanay ka na. Mag deny ka lang ng mag deny.

I'm the ultimate denial queen. Naiinis na din ako sa sarili ko on what I'm turning into.

"Kaso I start in two weeks." I told her as I started the car. "Bakit daw?" Lian asked as she didn't bother looking up. Syempre magkatext nanaman sila ni Ryan. "Para daw maaga akong matapos. I think matatapos ko sya before midterms next sem. Siguro I'll try to log in more hours para mas maaga." I said as I pulled out of the parking lot.

"Ay, atat lang maka layo sa kanya? Or atat ka ng mawalan ng koneksyon sa kanya academically para matuloy nyo na yung naudlot nyong feelings?" Biro ni Lian.

Hanggang ngayon wala pa rin akong sagot. Naguguluhan na ko kung anong gusto kong mangyari. Gustong gusto ko sya pero kailangan ko ding panindigan yung hindi kami pwede.

"Alam mo Stace, palagi mo kong niloloko na masyado akong calculating sa buhay ko. Na kailangan lahat planado and I rarely take risks." I can feel a Lian rant coming up. "Nagririsk ka kaya. Sa mga sagot mo sa exams." I chuckled and she scowled at me.

"Bwiset. Pero yan, you always judge me na kailangan lahat planado at alam ko yung outcome and s**t. Pero tignan mo yung sarili mo ngayon. Porket di mo alam mangyayari sa inyo ni Killian, ayaw mo ng sumugal."

She's exactly right.

"Natatakot ako." I finally admitted. "Sa alin? Na masaktan ka? E lahat naman ng nagmamahal natatakot masaktan e. Alam mo naman yan. It's not exactly your first serious relationship." Lian finally looked at me.

"Exactly. Di naman sa iniwan ako ni Jack, pero nasayangan lang ako after namin maghiwalay on what could have been. It haunted me for years. Na paano kung sumunod ako sa kanya, or paano kung hindi sya umalis. Alam mo naman kung paano ako nalungkot non diba? What if maghiwalay lang din kami ni Killian or eventually marealize nya na hindi talaga kami pwede?"

"OA ka Stace. Di naman sya titira sa States. Pinapahintay ka lang nya hanggang hindi mo na sya prof para walang complications diba? Alam mo naman e. Nag bubulag-bulagan ka lang."

I stayed silent. How do I tell Lian na I think it won't end there? Or talagang nilalabanan ko lang to? Or I refuse to see what I want to do kasi natatakot akong masaktan nya ko.

"Stace, tama na. Hayaan mo naman yung sarili mong sumaya. You deserve it. Wag ka na mag overthink. Kasi sa totoo lang, kahit gaano mo itago, alam naman naming lahat na gustong gusto mo sya. Even Ryan. Mas chismoso pa yun kesa kay Max, I swear."

"Bakit anong tinatanong nya?" Natatawa ako ng konti kay Ryan. Hindi sya mukhang chismoso. He was so chill most of the time.

"Kung ano ano. Curious sya sa inyo. Kasi apparently, si Killian hindi pa ever nagpapakita ng interes sa ibang babae. Can you believe that? Pero yung palagi nyang tanong sakin is kung gusto mo ba daw si Killian talaga or kung ayaw mo na ba sakanya. In other words, naguguluhan sya sayo."

I already heard the bit na di sya namamansin ng babae from Atty. Lopez. Bakit kaya?

"Sinagot mo yung mga tanong nya no?" I glared at her. Ngayon kasi, weakness ni Lian si Ryan.

"Hindi. Sabi ko magulo ka talaga. Na totoo naman. Kahit na kay Killian ka lang naman talaga naguguluhan." She chuckled.

"Actually. Parang sa kanya nga lang ako ganito." I just confirmed what Lian said. I'm sure napag usapan na din nila to ni Max.

Hindi ako katulad ni Lian na planado lahat ng bagay sa buhay nya pero I'm usually sure of what I want to do in a particular decision I have to make. And pinapanindigan ko yun. Pero ngayon, sinasabi kong ayoko na kay Killian pero hindi din ako maka layo. I still find myself thinking about him almost every minute of every day. Na frustrating.

"I think kasi ganon mo sya kagusto. Na hindi mo alam ang gagawin mo. Even the way you react to him nung umpisa pa lang." She pointed.

"Medyo malabo nung sinabi mo Li. But then again, ano ba kami? Malabo."

"Well di nyo naman kailangan maging malabo. Ikaw lang nagpapalabo no." Nagpatama nanaman si Lian sakin.

Ako lang ba nagpapalabo? Should I really take the risk? It made me think. He said na if I wait, he'll make sure it's going to be worth it. Don't I trust him? Honest naman sya so far sa mga sinasabi nya sakin e. And napapakita naman nya through small things that he really likes me.

Like when he refuses to let me study ng walang kinakain (na hindi fast food), he makes sure na hindi ako sumusobra sa kape, he texts me to get some sleep already, nagdadala sya saamin ng snacks when we're pulling an all nighter sa pag aaral, and he keeps reminding me to lock our condo pag gabi na. Siguro naman he's genuinely concerned.

Maybe it's about time I let my guard down and just trust him.

By the time na nag doorbell kami ni Lian sa condo ni Killian for dinner, I was already convinced sa gagawin ko. I'll risk my heart. For him.

Pag bukas ni Killian ng pinto, he welcomed us with a huge smile. And after a long time, I smiled at him genuinely. Mukhang nahalata nya agad yung pagbabago sakin and he looked pleased. "Sakto! Kakatapos ko lang magluto. Pasok." He gestured for us na pumasok.

I can't believe na first time lang namin sa condo ni Killian. Usually kasi sa Starbucks or sa condo namin ni Lian kami kumakain or tumatambay. Kanina pa iniisip ni Lian kung anong itsura ng condo ni Killian. Feeling nya yung ultimate batchelor's pad. Well it was close. Halatang lalake yung nakatira dito.

"Nagluluto ka?" I was surprised.

"Oo naman. Yung ibang dinadala ko sainyong pagkain hindi yon take out no. Pinaghirapan ko yun dito sa kusina." He answered me pretending to be hurt. Inirapan ko sya pero nagulat talaga ako. And kinilig. I can't believe he made an extra effort sa mga pinapakain nya saamin ni Lian.

"So anong menu for tonight, chef?" Lian asked him ng pabiro as we took in his condo. In fairness, ang ganda ng condo nya and mas malaki. Nakakahiya namang mas magulo pa yung unit namin ni Lian kesa dito.

"Pork tongkatsu. From scratch." He looked proud. "Hindi ba breaded porkchop lang yon?" I laughed at inirapan nya lang ako. "May california maki din akong ginawa at tempura no. Grabe ka sakin. Upo muna kayo sa sala. Nasan na si doc?" He asked Lian and kinindatan nya ko. Nahihimatay nanaman ako deep inside. "Nasa traffic daw pero malapit na." Lian said as she started wandering sa condo ni Killian. Curious din ako so sinamahan ko syang tumingin kung saan saan.

Habang bumubulong saakin si Lian ng kung ano-ano tungkol sa mga gamit ni Killian sa unit nya na excited sya dahil mahal, we heard another doorbell which means na nandito na si Ryan. Lian's face immediately lit up.

"Nandito na yung importanteng bisita, kain na." Killian announced. Lian greeted Ryan na naka scrub pants pa pero naka white shirt nalang. "Hi guys. Papalit muna ako, nagmadali ako papunta dito e." He waved at us.

"Masyado ka kasing excited." Biro ni Killian sa kanya. "Ah kaya pala last week ka pang nagpaplano ng lulutuin mo para dito?" Binalik ni Ryan yung pang aasar nya kay Killian who looked at me. "Sige, magpalit ka nalang, nangaasar ka pa e." Tinuro ni Killian yung tinidor na hawak nya sa kaibigan nya. I smiled a little pero deep inside kinikilig nanaman ako.

Kaya mo to Stacy. Mas kaya mo to kesa pigilan yung feelings mo para sa kanya.

In fairness, ang sarap ng luto nya and para syang bata when he looks at me and I was enjoying the food. Teka lang Atty. Roxas, baka ma-heart attack ako sa ginagawa mo. Buti nalang may doctor dito ngayon.

After dinner, sobrang nabusog ako. Lian and Ryan volunteered to wash the dishes para siguro makapag landian pa sila dun sa lababo. Killian handed me a beer. "Gusto mo? Magyoyosi din ako if gusto mong sumama." He gestured towards his veranda.

Mukhang he's taking advantage of the fact na normal na ulit ako around him. At normal na nya kong makausap ulit. Well, Stacy, it's now or never. I took the beer from him and walked over sa veranda nya as he followed me. Omg bakit ako biglang kinabahan?

"Bakit mas malaki yung veranda mo?" Nakasimangot akong lumingon sa kanya. "Ireklamo natin gusto mo?" Natatawa nya kong inalok ng yosi. Nagsindi ako then humarap sa view nya. I placed the beer sa table nya sa likod namin.

"Mas maganda din yung view mo ano ba yan." Humirit ako. "Oo naman." He said sincerely, no tone of humor whatsoever. I glanced at him and nakatitig sya saakin.

Well f**k. Para kaming nasa cliche na palabas. Pero bakit ako kilig na kilig??? Pa-fall talaga to. Well as if kailangan ko pa yang mga hirit nya.

"May sasabihin –"

"Stace, I –"

Sabay kaming nagsalita. "Sige ikaw muna." I immediately said. "Hindi, ikaw na. Ladies first." He shook his head and smiled boyishly. Medyo na-lost ako sa train of thought ko.

I took a deep breath. "As I was saying, may sasabihin ako." I took my time. Kasi sa totoo lang nakakadistract na nakatitig lang sya sakin while waiting for me. Feeling ko tuloy para akong bata na umaamin sa crush ko.

I shook off my nervousness to just get it over with. Nilapag ko yung yosi ko sa ashtray nya as if not wanting to do anything else but tell him what I need to.

"Killian, about your question..." Tumaas yung dalawang kilay nya. Napasimangot ako wondering what he's thinking. Stacy nadistract ka nanaman! Pero kailangan ko ng sabihin to bago pa ko ma-duwag. "The answer is yes. I'll wait."

In one swift motion, he took me in his arms and hugged me. And we stayed like that for quite some time. Kinalimutan na namin why we went outside. "Ano yung sasabihin mo?" I looked up at him pero hindi pa rin nya ko binibitawan.

"I was about to apologize about the flowers on your birthday. Kasi parang masyadong makulit na for asking you over and over to wait for me." Natawa sya. "Konti lang naman." I smiled and inhaled his scent. Wala na. I'm too lost into him. I don't think makakahindi pa ko sa kanya.

Sabi ko na nga delikado to e.

"Thank you, Stace. Di mo alam kung gaano ako ka-saya ngayon." He finally let go. "OA ka, di naman kita sinagot. Sabi ko lang maghihintay ako. Manligaw ka parin." Natawa sya sa sinabi ko. "Oo naman. Pahirapan mo ko kung gusto mo." He smiled and bit his lip.

"Gaganti ako sa mga recitation mong ginawa sa kin. Lalu na yung intense na yon." Inirapan ko sya at tumawa sya ng mas malakas knowing which recitation I was referring to. "Favorite ko yon. Kahit mukha mo na kong inaaway." He smiled and I made a face. "Feeling ko naman nililitis mo ko." Inirapan ko sya. "Well you should see me in court." Mayabang nyang sinabi. "Show off." I murmured.

"What were you thinking kanina when I mentioned your question?" I asked him curiously. "Natakot ako na you're going to say no." He admitted. "Meron bang humihindi sayo?" I commented. Mukhang wala. "Nanay at tatay ko." He chuckled. "Pero seriously Stace, ikaw lang yung taong ayokong humindi sa kin. Lalu na dun sa tanong ko na yon." He gazed at me and my heart rate doubled. Doc, I need you.

We turned around para bumalik na sa loob. Nakita namin biglang nataranta si Lian at Ryan to look somewhere else at nagusap bigla to pretend na may ginagawa sila. I rolled my eyes. Ang chichismosa e halata namang pinapanood nila kami.

"Ano, naentertain naman kayo?" Humirit ako kela Lian at namula sya. I rolled my eyes kay Killian dahil nag fist bump pa sila ni Ryan. Bwiset. Kala mo naman sinagot ko na sya.

Pero hindi ba papunta na din yon don?

"Alam mo pre, sabi sayo dapat nag doctor ka nalang e." Hirit ni Ryan kay Killian as we joined them sa living room. "Hindi nya type mga doctor." Killian smirked at Ryan tapos kumindat sya sakin. I fought the urge na umirap. I bit my lip para pigilan nalang yung kilig ko.

"Malay mo." I shrugged. Natawa si Ryan at sumimangot si Killian. "Hindi, abogado type mo. Isang abogado lang." Tinitigan nya ko and ngumiti sakin.

Yup. In-love na in-love nako sa kanya. And there's no going back.