It’s in me

Chase Atlantic- Into it Chase atlantic is playing through my airpods while my mother drives me and my brother to New Felley. I wish I could play this on aux but my family truly dislikes my taste in music, and believe me I tried, I even played those stupid rap musicians so that my brother would shut up and some weird russian music my mother listens to, just to escape the complaints and have my own music play some time in between. I guess I should just get my lisence and my own car. Did I just say that as if I don’t have like 5 dollars in my bank account? Yes, yes I did. It’s not like my single mother could gift me a car or pay for me to get my lisence. So, let get the big stuff out of the way - why is the whole family moving to a whole new city? Simple answer- my dad. He died. In the bed next to mom. She loved that man so much, I hated to see her so f*****g sad, seeing her so heartbroken hurt me more than my dad’s death. The fact that she had to be held by people around her while dad’s casket was being but in that hole, she was about to go with him in there. It was traumatising to say the least. And here I am, diagnosed anxiety disorder and my lovely panic attacks from time to time. I was a daddy’s girl, I still am, that man will never ever be dead to me. I might not see him, but I still feel his presence everyday. And there’s my brother, he really seems unaffected by the whole situation but I know he is, distractions are his only way to run away from everything, that’s why you can only find my brother in a garage, fixing or creating something. From this whole description it could seem that my dad was the most amazing person and life is so hard without him. Not that it’s not hard without him but he was not perfect either. He and mister alcohol had a friendship and it was not a healthy one. And once he’s drunk it was scary. Long story short, some of his actions could have killed us all. Surprise surprise, the man himself had deals with gangs as well, such a magical story, a mafia guy falls in love with an innocent woman and becomes good. Yeah, no. The gang stuff started when I was a one year old. Although mother was frightened of those gang people, dad made deals with them to protect us, I still not sure what we needed to be protected from but we did got attacked once.