Verge of death

New day, new hope.

On the next day, i was awakened by adhan calling out for success and prayer. I found myself on the ground, tried taking the hold of the wall and moved forward to the room where i had previously changed my clothes. I spitted the blood out that was collected in my mouth from the last night and started to clean my forehead from the clots. I entered a washroom where i washed my face and hands all over and found some ladies clothes, probably belonging to one of my sister in law. When I changed my dress, offered my prayer and tried to relax by leaning against the wall, flashbacks from the last night struck my mind and there was a sea of dreadful feelings flooding in my brain. I had this hope in my mind that i'd try to contact my parents about my condition and i'll tell all the women who accompanied me about what happened to me last night and because of this daydream i was able to sleep for a while. In the late morning i woke up because i felt like someone was poking me with small bony fingers. When i opened my eyes my vision was all blurry or shimmering or i had a sense that everything was floating. There was a little girl who inquired me about my injuries so i had to confirm who she was. She said that she was my husband niece but she was juvenile so i could handle her easily. I asked her about the silence in the community to which she replied that all the female members of the home and neighborhood are gone for community reunion gathering. I was so hungry as i hadn't eaten anything from last night so i went to the kitchen, grabbed some dry bread and asked the girl to lead me to the gathering. It wasn't much far and was only two to three homes ahead of our home. When i opened the wooden door and removed the covering, there was a crowd of women all sitting on the muddy ground and everybody seemed so hallucinated that no one noticed me. I leaned against the wall and sat down on the floor. I could hear a lady was speaking in the loud speaker, she was sitting on a high stage and her face was covered with a black scarf up to her lips. Her few words that i still remember were " I know you all women out there are tired of this life, our enemies our murderers, this army, this government. Lets get yourself all the luxuries in the life hereafter, want me to tell you how?" Her voice was alot more deeper that my husband's voice and there was extreme sort of attraction in her voice that she kept on talking and I forgot all my agony and pain. At that time I literally wished that i could get all the luxuries and relaxation that she had explained before. And then she screamed loud once again "Should I give you the key to your heaven?" With this i never had control over my mouth as I started to utter with a low tone, yes please. The ladies who were all around me started screaming and made loud piercing sounds which showed how much they wanted to get out of their darkest hours. She further stated "go, go, make a movement and give birth to more righteous militants, raise them with care, teach them how to sacrifice their lives and command your sons and husbands to go out in the righteous path to sacrifice their lives, force them to do so". And with this all of the ladies responded in agreement to her. I felt like it was the end time of the reunion and ladies started to move to their homes. As i found some way in them i stood up and went straight to the woman who was talking in loud speaker but some other girls didn't let me to get closer to her. The woman saw me from a distance, uncovered her face and cued the girls with an evil smile on her face to let me get closer to her. From her expressions i felt certain that she recognized me. She asked me if i am Nishto and told me that she is my mother in law. Hearing this i felt like the earth from underneath my feet was slipping and i was in a huge shock. She started to give me lectures on how to be on the so called right path and what should be my next move. .I kept on staring at her and she kept on talking, trying to convince me that i am the daughter in law of a family which is considered to be the superior most in this town and that my acts and responsibilities should be according to that. I felt like certain that i was so lured by her words that i had no sense of what i was going to do which may take hundreds of innocent lives. She told me that they are going to send me to Waziristan where i have to prepare young generation for homicidal activities. I was completely indulged in an illusion; I believed in no miracle before this; I was quite sensible of the sort of hallucinations into which I had fallen; I neither sought to intensify it nor to escape from it and i kept on saying "I'll do it" to everything she said. She presented herself to me with a shallow smile and deep piercing eyes and her mind was all occupied by evil thoughts of which i was never aware. She again cued the girl to take me to a room and take care of me. I felt like i was the queen and i moved forward with my head up towards the room. I sat on the ground in the room on the pillow and closed my eyes. I had a smile on my face and was thinking that this is the real place where i belonged. All of a sudden my mind was diverted and i started to think on my personality and what i was going to commit. I started to bite my nails, pulling my hair out and slapped my face on the fact that i would take hundreds of innocent lives out there. I remembered my moms teachings that taking a single life is killing the whole humanity and saving a single life is saving the whole humanity. I went outside the room, called one of the girl and started to ask her the consequences of not obeying my mother in law to which she responded that she'll do my murder as you are her daughter in law. She told me about how harsh her nature was and nobody has ever responded to her in negative and for those who have done that they disappeared from this town. I asked her how is it so and she responded that it is her miracle and then she left. I kept on thinking about the whole scenario and laying there in that room.

It was early evening time and my mother in law appeared once again. She ordered me that i should accompany some of the ladies in the march tonight to the hilly areas and told me to take rifle with me. I had never seen a rifle before, it was so heavy that my fingers couldn't handle it. She pulled my hand forward, placed the rifle in my hands and pressed my hands hard against it and told me that my success lies here. I dropped the rifle at once, showed up a little confidence and told her that i wont do this. Her eyes became so red and i thought for a while that blood was about to trickle down from it. She took out a knife from her waist belt, started rubbing it with her fingers, grabbed me from my hair and pulled me closer and said "My sweet daughter, don't make me to tell the people out there that you didn't obey me and you disappeared, you will do it. Plus you are our dignity now and i don't want you to disrespect us" There was nothing but a complete terror that filled my body up when she took the knife out and i thought there's nothing in this entire world that could stop her but I nodded quickly and responded in agreement to her orders as I had no other option available.