Kabanata 25
1161 Words
Syl
I tied my hair up into a messy bun before I turned on the speaker I asked Joaquin to buy for me. Ayaw kong ubusin ang bawat oras ko na naninimbang na lamang palagi ako sa sitwasyon naming tatlo kaya nagpabili ako ng speaker kay Joaquin.
I may be bad at a lot of things especially with making decisions but I know I am good at dancing. Maaari ko nang mahalin muli ang pagsasayaw dahil wala nang mga lalaking hayok sa laman na nakamasid sa akin.
I turned the volume up as I played one of my favorite RNB song. I did some stretching while the intro was playing, and as the song progressed, my body automatically moved to the beat.
Sumara ang aking mga mata at kusang gumuhit ang munting ngiti sa aking mga labi. My body swayed as I felt more and more connected to the music I was dancing.
It was a moment of bliss. Of nothing but the warmth of being in the present moment. Of not caring about all the weights from the past nor the uncertainty of the future. It feels like the only time that exist is the now, and I am finally here again. I am finally living again.
Natigil ang pagsasayaw ko nang bumukas ang pinto. My eyes opened and my gaze met Joaquin's. Mukhang kauuwi lamang niya galing sa pantalan. Pagod at puyat ang itsura na tila anumang oras ay babagsak na siya.
"Joaquin," tawag ko matapos kong patayin ang speaker.
He let out a heavy sigh then shut the door. "You can dance. I wouldn't bother you." He sat on the edge of the bed. "I'll just watch."
I pursed my lips then shook my head. "I uhm . . . not comfortable yet," I lied. Sadyang ayaw ko lamang muna sanang magkaroon kami ng oras para magsama dahil kinakain ako ng kunsensya ko.
Joaquin's adam's apple bobbed up and down. "Because you remember the time you used to dance for filthy men, hmm?"
Umiwas ako ng tingin. "Y-Yeah."
Muli siyang bumuntonghininga. Maya-maya ay inabot niya ang aking braso saka ako marahang hinatak upang umupo sa kanyang tabi.
"You've been distancing yourself since last week, and I'm assuming that it's because Mysha is here."
Muli kong ipinaglapat ang aking mga labi sa isa't isa bago ako tumango. I didn't want to tell him that I am having second thoughts about fighting for him. Kung sakali rin namang maging buo na ang desisyon kong ipaubaya siya kay Mysha, aalis ako nang hindi nagpapaalam sa kanya.
I know it would seem like I'm doing the same thing to him, but if I'd leave him again, I promise to leave him a letter. Sasabihin ko na lamang sa sulat ang lahat ng bagay na alam kong hindi ko magagawang sabihin nang personal.
He caressed my back. "I'm too tired. I don't think I can still walk my way back to my room." Nagtanggal siya ng sapatos. "I wanna sleep here."
Marahan akong tumango. "O-Okay."
I was about to stand up when Joaquin pulled me. Pareho kaming napahiga sa kama dahil iniyapos niya ang mga braso niya sa akin.
"Joaquin, I'm sweaty," reklamo ko.
He sighed before he tightened his hold on me. "You get sweaty, too when I'm rocking you but I never complained."
"Pero--"
"Just let me sleep, Syl." Pinatakan niya ng halik ang tuktok ng aking ulo. "I've been in so much stress lately I deserve to lay next to you."
Napakurap ako. "D-Did you . . . miss me?"
Joaquin inhaled a sharp breath while his eyes were shut. "I did," he answered under his breath.
Nakaramdam ng magkahalong saya at lungkot ang aking dibdib. He missed me. That's what I wanted to hear, right? Pero bakit ako nasasaktan? Is it because I know there's another woman involved?
"J-Joaquin?" lakas-loob kong tawag makalipas ang ilang sandaling katahimikan.
"Hmm?"
"Am I . . . going to be your mistress once you and Mysha gets married?"
Humigpit ang yakap niya sa akin. "No."
"B-Because you're gonna . . . shut me out of your life after our contract?"
Joaquin made me hug him back as he sighed. "You're not gonna be my mistress, nor you're gonna be out of my life by the end of our deal."
What does that suppose to mean? Nahulog na bang muli ang puso niya sa akin? Does this mean he's going to leave Mysha soon?
Nalunok ko ang sarili kong laway. Akala ko kapag naramdaman ko nang handa na niya ulit akong piliin ay magiging masaya ako pero bakit ganito ang pakiramdam ko ngayon? Bakit parang pakiramdam ko ay isa akong kriminal na dapat makunsensya?
Pumasok sa isipan ko si Mysha. Joaquin was her anchor. Sabi ni Mysha ay inaatake na naman siya ng depression niya noong wala si Joaquin para pakalmahin siya. Kung iiwan siya ni Joaquin para bumalik sa akin, sa akin na iniwanan ang Sta. Ana at ang mga taong mahal ko, baka bumalik sa dati si Mysha.
She might find herself in the deepest part of the dark hole she's still trying to escape from. Makakaya ba ng kunsensya ko oras na saktan niya ang sarili niya dahil wala si Joaquin para pakalmahin siya? Para pigilan siya sa mga nais niyang gawin sa sarili niya?
God, I don't want to be selfish anymore no matter how much I want to keep Joaquin. No matter how much I want to win him back and have a second chance with him. Siguro kasi alam ko sa sarili kong hindi ko deserve na mabigyan ng pangalawang pagkakataon pagkatapos ko siyang iwanan nang walang pasabi.
This is the consequences of my decisions back then. Bakit hindi ko harapin? Bakit kailangang may masaktang iba masunod ko lang ang gusto ko?
Pinakawalan ko ang mabigat na hangin sa aking dibdib nang muling pinatakan ni Joaquin ng halik ang tuktok ng aking ulo. Matatapos na ang kontrata namin sa susunod na linggo. Kailangan ko nang magdesisyon kahit na gaano pa kahirap ang muling magpatuloy sa buhay nang wala siya.
I shut my eyes and hugged him a little tighter. Susulitin ko na lamang ang mga sandali na pupwede ko siyang yakapin nang ganito dahil alam ko na sa sarili kong oras na matapos ang kontrata, ako na naman ang mang-iiwan sa kanya.
Nilunok ko ang namuong bara sa aking lalamunan habang todo ang pigil kong maluha. "J-Joaquin?"
"Why?" he asked under his breath.
"I l-love you." I inhaled a sharp breath. "I have always been, and will always love you . . ."
Imbes na sagutin ako ay pinaibabawan niya ako't tinitigan sa mga mata. Maya-maya ay tuluyan niyang inangkin ang aking mga labi.
I shut my eyes and answered his kiss with the same intensity, and as our clothes slowly left our bodies, I made a promise to myself that I would remember every moment of it.
Dahil alam kong posibleng huli na ito . . .
- Writer
