Dream Baby

Chapter Four. Choice

Chapter Four. Choice

Happiness is a choice. If you want to be sad for the rest of your life then it is your choice. Just like how I am choosing to be sad and let go of the man I love. It's depressing but I can't feel depress or stress right now. Not while I'm pregnant.

"Ano bang dapat kong gawin, Soo? I told you I love you. Why are you suddenly pushing me away?"

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin at nilaro ang sarili kong mga daliri. Hindi ko siya kayang tingnan. I feel like I'm drowning and there is no one who can pull me up to save me. Naiiyak ako pero ayaw kong makita niya akong ganito.

"Because you don't really love me. Si Naeun ang mahal mo. She's the one you want to marry. Pinipili mo ako kasi nabuntis mo ako."

Tears sprung from my eyes. My emotions are all over the place. Naramdaman ko na lang na nasa loob na ako ng mga bisig ni Jongshin. He was comforting me even though I am giving him a hard time. I'm hurting just as much as I'm hurting myself.

"You love Naeun, Shin. You are only here because I'm pregnant and you feel responsible for it. Pero hindi naman kailangan. I can raise our kid on my own. I don't want to entrap you into a loveless marriage."

Patuloy pa din ako sa pag-iyak. Hindi ata mauubos ang mga luha ko. I kept on saying how I will be okay even if he choose to go back to Naeun. I'm lying, I know. I just can't help but feel guilty every time I look into his eyes and see the sadness that swims within it. He's been missing Naeun but he stayed with me. And though I want him with me I realised that I want him to be happy with Naeun than to see him pretend to be happy with me.

"But I love you..."

"You don't. You just think you do because of our baby. Sa tingin mo ba kung walang nangyari sa atin at hindi ako nabuntis nandito ka kaya sa tabi ko?"

I smiled bitterly. Ang sakit pala na sabihin ang mga bagay na to. The saying 'truth hurts' is really true. It is hurting me so much right now. Nahihirapan akong huminga habang nakatingin ako kay Jongshin. His eyes are red from crying. I looked away.

"Wala ka sa tabi ko ngayon kung walang nangyari sa atin nung gabing yun. You wouldn't think of loving me like what you are saying to me right now. And although I'd love for you to stay with me I can't bear to see you hurting. Kasi ako Shin mahal kita. I spent the last seven years of my life loving you more than just a friend. I loved you, I love you, I will always love you,"

I cupped his face and leaned in to kiss his lips. Hindi ko na napigil ang pag-iyak nang magdikit ang mga labi namin.

"Go back to her. Chase your happiness. I'm letting you go. But don't forget that I love you. So much."

Hinaplos ko ang pisngi niya ng isa pang beses bago ako lumayo. I turned my back at him and that's when I heard that sound of my heart shattering into millions of pieces.

"My dream came true, dada."

Tumingin ako kay Dada na nakangiti sa akin. Hawak-hawak niya ang ultrasound picture ng baby ko. He pulled a into a hug.

"I'm so happy for you, anak."

Ibinalik ko ang tingin ko sa hawak kong litrato. A smile appeared from my lips. I might have lost the man that I love but then I am still happy. Hindi na baling hindi ko nakamit lahat ng pangarap ko at least natupad naman yung isa.

"See you soon, love."

Another month passed in a blur. I'm 4 months pregnant. Halatang-halata na ang baby bump ko. And I now know the gender of my twins. Fraternal twins. Nagulat pa nga ako nung nalaman ko. And then dada and daddy were so happy. I can remember dada crying while looking at the ultrasound machine. Hearing the heartbeats of my twins made me tears eyed too. Everything is in the right path...

"Hindi sila kinasal, bakla. Dapat itutuloy na nila kaya lang nalaman ni Jongshin na may iba palang boyfriend tong si Naeun. Nahuli niyang nakikipagsex sa iba. Ayun. Kawawa naman si Shin. He look so devastated. Tapos yun pa yung issue na ayaw mo na siyang makita. Hay, baka magsuicide na yun."

I glared at her. Suicide? Jongshin won't do that kind of thing. He isn't irrational. Pero kahit na alam kong imposibleng gawin yun ni Jongshin ay hindi pa rin maaalis sa akin ang mag-alala. I'm scared for him. Kahit na nakipagbalikan siya kay Naeun two months ago at patuloy pa din siya sa pagbisita at pangungumusta sa akin. Ako lang tong matigas at umaayaw. There were days that he'll stay outside of our house in hopes of seeing me but I didn't come out of my room. Malaki ang ibinagsak ng katawan niya. He looks so broken but I willed myself because I'm scared of seeing him and yet not having him by my side, all the damn time.

"W-where is he?"

Nanginginig kong tanong kay Yoona. Ngumiti ito sa akin at sinabi kung nasaan si Jongshin. Agad kaming nagpunta doong dalawa. It's been long since I've come here in his house. Ang gloomy ng aura ng bahay. Hindi katulad noon na palaging masaya at peaceful ang dating. Nakita kami ng kasambahay niya at pinapasok kami. Sinabi sa akin na nasa kwarto niya si Jongshin at simula pa kagabi ay hindi kumakain.

"I'll stay here, Soo."

Tumango ako at umakyat na. I didn't knock on the door and just went inside of his room. He was there sitting on top of his bed. Nakayuko ito at halatang umiiyak.

"Shin..."

He lifted his face and shock registered on his face. Napaawang ang labi nito at dahan-dahang tumayo sa kama. He slowly walked towards me as if he couldn't believe that I am here.

"Soo..."

And hearing his stuttering voice made me lose all of my inhibitions. I cried as I threw myself all over him. Telling him how sorry I am, and how I'm always here for him. And he did the same to me. He cradled me inside his warm arms and cried the same time as he is consoling me.

"I'm sorry, Shin. I'm so sorry."

"Don't be. Ssh. Don't be sorry. It's okay. I'm okay. You're here now so I'm okay."

And we spent that day comforting each other. I cried and tried to comfort him as he did the same to me.

Happiness is a choice. And this is me choosing my happiness now. There's no turning back. I want my happiness and I won't ever let it go.