The Thoughts I Live With

What is happening? Why can I not sleep AGAIN. I haven’t slept in four days and I’m ready to rip my hair out. It’s not fair that he can sleep next to me and be fine. Be able to sleep. Through the whole. f*****g. Night. Maybe I’m dreaming? Maybe this is all just a horrible nightmare that I’ll wake up from. Feeling refreshed, well slept, and ready for my day. Ha. That’s a f*****g joke. But I’m not sure what’s worse. The idea of not being able to sleep at all, or the thoughts that linger through my head when I’m in a deep sleep. You know. Those thoughts that make you wonder why you exist in the first place.  You see. I’ve been through a lot. Like a f*****g whole lot. But we’ll get to that later. But the ultimate distortions my brain configures based on the past is unreal. The first we into sleep I go, the farther I get stuck. Wrapped if you will. In the idea of a perfect life, that is then destroyed by reality. The shot show that is my deepest sleep, is enough to make anyone send me to a mental facility. But that wouldn’t be the first time someone has tried.  Just imagine a time where you’re happy, young, excited for life. And then it all crashes and burns from three separate guys in your life. Isn’t that fun? Now imagine every night for say about 12 years, you haven’t slept a decent nights sleep. Because every time you get stuck in the deepest sleep, you wake up gasping for air. Crying. Sobbing. Screaming. Tossing and turning. Wishing you didn’t have to endure this anymore.