Self Portrait

Self Reflection

The toughest critic is yourself. I always try to please everyone as much as I can, but sometimes that isn’t even enough… I f**k up a lot.

I am just so exhausted and fatigued by life, to the point where I am drowning in my own sorrows, and always trying to answer questions I know I would never know the answers to. When i was thirteen my parents split up. For years, I blamed myself, telling myself that it was my fault. I was so hard on myself. There are some days I wish to go back to the past, not to relive the brutal memories and the terror demons at night that would keep me up for hours, where I would lay in my bed staring up at the ceiling contemplating life, to the point where I would ask myself if I should just slip away, if there will ever be light that will shine through the darkness, if this is it, where I say my farewells because I swear I prayed for life to get better, but to see the good out of all the bad. I have always dreamt of having a mother that would love and care for me and nurture me. To teach me the right from wrong, to teach me how to be a loving person and to become from a young girl to a women. To hold me when times were rough and when my heart got broken by a guy or friends. To tell me that everything will be okay. To tell me that I am worth living for, and I love you, and I am smart, and brave, when I feel worthless. To have that mother daughter bond..

I was so lucky to have two mothers, unfortunately they didn’t want me. It crushed me, there were so many emotions running up and down my body. I felt hopeless, confused, unimportant, but most of all I felt hurt, as if someone jabbed a knife into my abdomen repeatedly. I still hurt to this day, and bleed for the ones I love. I know that I have profusely many mother figures out there in my life, that would take me in, in a heartbeat, but as much as I am so utterly grateful for that, it is sadly not the same. I can’t call them mom, I don’t live with them, and they already have their own families. I guess we can’t have everything that we ask for in this world…

I always try to be the best version of myself as possible, but it gets utterly exhausting. I tend to drift away frequently, from what’s really there and what is not. Facing reality can be extremely unbearable. I frequently slip up a lot, not intentionally, but because I guess that’s what I have been used to, that it’s now a pattern in my life, and that I just have no more energy to try anymore or at all in that matter. When you start having more bad days than good, the demons start creeping up at night and soon even during the day. Your character personality and judgement starts detrimentally decreasing….

At this point I have gotten used to being happy for a split second, then going back with the demons that live in the back of my head, feeling depressed, worthless, unwanted, unimportant, and most of all feeling frail….

I am like a clock. Every hour, for twenty four hours, I feel happy, sometimes even great but once that hand turns to the next hour, I am completely a different person. I don’t want to live. Every breath is a battle, I feel empty in the inside, as if there is a piece of me broken, that holds me all together. I feel abandoned, that nobody wants me anymore, that I have warred everyone out. In the end, I know that, that is not true, but that’s how I feel right now. I want to get better, to not hate life, to get the demons that are living in the back of my head out, but it’s easier said than done…

Every time I feel that way, I have a reputation to push the people I love away. I don’t want to hurt them. I feel as if, it is better off being alone. Nobody knows why I do the things that I do, I don’t even know why I do half the things that I do. All I know is that I try to protect myself, by putting up boundaries and a wall from the rest of the world, so that it’s easier to walk away when things get tough, and not have a reason to look back….

People say I am kind-hearted and have an old soul. I have learned within years and the battles and struggles I had to face alone, trying to figure out this phenomenon of why I am on this earth, that maybe it is okay that I don’t receive much love as I give love, that maybe there are people in this world, that need extra love in their life that I can share my love to them, to maybe put a smile on their face.