Master Gallagher

Called it off

Have you ever cried so hard that your body shook, your throat hurt and your teeth made a cluttering sound when you attempted to talk? Attempted to explain why you were crying but you just cried even more because the words refuse to come out? Have you ever cried so hard that your body physically hurt? All out of the frustration of knowing very well that no matter what you attempt to do, absolutely nothing can change the situation. In this very moment, I was crying so hard that I could feel my lungs failing to cooperate, my tears had overtaken my power to breath. I never knew it was possible to be able to feel this way only because one person. Not knowing how I had ended up in my mother's comfort... was it not always that way? She would always always be my safehaven. Every single time, I attempted to speak, I just could not. I was failing dismally... but my mother assured me that it was fine. My mom rubbed circles on my back as I continued to bawl my eyes. I suppose, when i woke up this morning in William's arms... I would have never guessed that at the end of the day this is what would have happened.

I was lucky, one of the slaves that worked at the Gallagher ranch had been returning with the Carriage after dropping the Gallaghers off at the Durham mansion. He gave me a ride back home, this was home. Being in my mother's arms would always be home for many reasons. I did not understand why this hurt but it deeply wounded me. I only started crying the minute, my mother opened the door at eleven pm... confused. I was puzzled, I knew she would tell me that she told me so but what do I know? I was a naive dimwit, who listens with her heart and not her logical common sense. I felt worse because who would want a mother like me? I could not be a good mother, I never foresee lies... always the good in everyone even those who not deserve my kindness and understanding.

Being a good person has never been enough and will never be enough.

"Let it all out.." My mother said softly as I whimpered still unable to speak. "Dear God, of all things my daughter just had to fall for a white devil." This time, I would not deceive myself. I would not defend his actions either. Just how much satisfaction did he get from humiliating and using me.

When my crying finally subsided, I slept on my mother's lap still not moving. It felt like a dream, I thought back to when my life was not this complicated and deceitful. I thought back to every single time, he had told me something and I believed it. Like a fool, I fed into everything he dished up for me.

Stupid, stupid, stupid...

I was so happy a few hours ago. Until Mr. Wilkins told me something that had my heart dropping with a thud. I knew not to jump into conclutions but then again, he was always right. He spoke to Lady Tracy more than anyone else. I smiled and pretended it didn't faze me. I cleaned the house trying hard to forget about it but I just couldn't. It kept replaying in my head over and over again like a broken record. I wanted to trust William for about an hour, I refused to believe it. It finally sank in and all I wanted to do was go home. The coward in me, always running home. I did not care about the distance, I did not care that it was now dark and dangerous especially for a woman of my kind to be walking alone. My fear seized to exist, at that moment. Anger gives a lot more than just courage and guts to do the unthinkable.

Yes, tomorrow was coming.

No, I would not go to see him off like i promised.

Yes, I would still keep my child... far away from him.

No, I did not wish to work there anymore.

Yes, I had to forget him and everything... It was a mistake.

No, I would not confront him, just so he can lie to me and like a fool... I will curve in.

Yes, I want to die.

But no, I do not want to die.

"Understandable, he is your first love... anything is bound to hurt." My mother whisepered, She did not know what happened but she just kept saying things. I suppose her own way of soothing me. "I knew it was only a matter of time before this happened.." I sighed knowing this was coming. My mother did not even know anything but here she was about to lecture me. I immediately closed off deep into my thoughts as soon as she started talking. She talked and talked, Time passed but just when I was about to close my eyes, feeling exhausted. "But then it's alright to feel hurt.." I heard.

There was loud knocking of my mother's bedroom door. Her room stood alone, like many other although for the toilet and kitchen she had to enter the main slave commune where many other slaves stayed. I would like to think she was able to get her own private room away from the crowded slave commune house because... she did things for Master Joshua. My mom was an undeniably smart woman, very beautiful too.

"It's one am, Ruth go away." My mother yelled, my heart was racing because I suspected that it was not aunt Ruth at all. The knock suddenly became gentle on the wooden door.

"...It's William..." He said in a very low tone.

My heart was racing but I pretended to be asleep and oblivious. Only because I did not want him anywhere near me. I felt a lot of anger, pain and betrayal. My mom swiftly moved and left me sleeping on my bed. She put a blanket over me, I still pretended to be asleep. When she opened the door, it made a squeking sound.

"Greeting Miss-" My mom was quick to cut him off.

"How can I help you?"

I heard him clear his throat. "I know Panashe is here and I would like to speak to her, tomorrow I will not get the chance."

"You know exactly what you did."

This is what made him explode. They were trying really hard to whisper but I managed to make out the whole conversation even with the sounds of crickets creaking all around.

"I did not intentionally make Tracy pregnant. I swear, I had no idea that was the surprise present she had for me at the party. I swear to—"

"Excuse me what?"

William immediately cleared his throat, I assumed he thought, I had already told my mother everything.

I knew my mother was fuming at this point. So Mr. Wilkins was right. Lady Tracy was also pregnant. He made her pregnant, he did not intentionally mean to?! The thought of it hurt. She is his wife but just the thought of it had me at lose for words. He lied when he said, he was not doing anything with her. He clearly was, I have no right to be upset because I am the other woman. It hurt so much because, I had grown to trust him and just earlier today.. I told him exactly how I feel.

"I just need to to-"

"You do not need to do anything, Mr. Gallagher it's one am, my daughter is pregnant and exhausted, physically and emotionally. Let her rest clearly she has had enough for the day."

I did not expect that from my mother, I thought she would strangle him to death. For someone who had a vile mouth and knew how to throw her hands. I heard my mother snirvel, was she crying? I had never seen my mother cry except when my brothers got sold—

"With all due respect Mr. Gallagher, my daughter has barely just entered her twenties. She is a child, just a child. Do not let anything physical fool you, that girl is a child. She was literally born yesterday and for you to take advantage of the fact that she is naive and thinks you will last to marry and run off to the sunset together. That is purely evil." I felt tears fall as much as I tried to keep my eyes closed. I was glad, I was not sleeping facing the direction of the door. These tears just kept coming even when I thought, it was the last of it. "I do not know your motives but if you love her as much as you claim. You would not be hurting her like this. You wouldn't be promising her lies. I dare say, if you really loved her... you would have told her to terminate that mistake that you both made. Stop feeding her lies, just stop corrupting her... I am not ready to bury my daughter just yet and she is all I have left. It's very selfish of you to keep doing this. Congratulations, your wife is expecting, well I am very happy for you. Just please I am begging you from the bottom of my heart just leave my daughter be. You had your fun with a black woman, that's what every white man seeks right? You had your fun, it's over. She thinks she loves you, she doesn't know anything about love. I dare repeat she is just a child and you are the adult here. You ought to stop these shenanigans before it goes too far. Go be with your wife, raise your kids peacefully. Leave this, my daughter is not worth it. You're not worth dying for either. It is that simple."

There was silence.

"It was clearly my fault for thinking she would be better off working in the house but here she is, pregnant with a white man's child and heartbroken. Clearly I failed at being a mother."

William was about to say something when my mother cut him off again. "I am glad you have realised your mistakes that's good. Well all that's left to do is rectify this pregancy and move on with our miserable lives. I wish you well, Mr. Gallagher. Have a safe journey." With that I had the door slam closed.

For the longest of time I failed to listen to her but at this very moment. She was absolutely right. That's the end of anything, I ever had with William. I suppose it would be back to formal terms now. Confused as to whether I would keep this child or not. I did not know, my mother would eventually help me decide. She knows best. I was ready to work at the plantations, my pride would not let me go back there. Much worse to see Lady Tracy carry William's child to full term.

It was too good to be true, glad it ended as soon as it began.

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