Master Gallagher

Called it reminiscing

If I said terminating this pregnancy had never crossed my mind—

I'd be lying.

I thought about it often. I thought about it when Hector said what he said. I thought about it when I saw how dysfunctionally William's family actually is. I thought about it when Lady Tracy gave me these minor gestures that came off as warnings whenever she was with her husband. I thought about it when my mother, pressured that it was for the best. I knew she had experience and I did not.

"I know you're awake.." William said pulling me close enough to lay back into the warmth of his chest.

Yes, I was awake... I just did not want to open my eyes.

This was the first morning, I had ever spent with William. I felt very weary but I pushed those thoughts aside. William would be gone for months and I was selfish enough to keep him here with me. Lady Tracy had told William to come to the Durham mansion today where they were throwing him a farewell party. That is why she had went there to plan it. It made me a bit sure that she would not abruptly return and find us in this position. I greatly felt in doldrums because I'd rather they have had the party here so I could be there for William too. My, even mentioning this as if William was mine sounded like an ignorant privilege. As if I needed to be there, as if Will was actually mine. Why had I grown so over protective of him? During the first days, he had s*x with me and Lady Tracy at the same time but I did not care. Infact, I wished he would stop visiting me and stick with his wife. When Lady Tracy marked her territory... I did not care. I felt that he was hers and I just did not care because I wished he would stop—

"Good morning." He said peppering kisses anywhere he could. It made me feel tingly and giggly. "What's on your mind?" He asked his hands tracing my collarbone. It made me feel—

Nauseated but I tried my best to keep it down.

"...are we really keeping this child?" I abruptly said. His eyes seemed to darken with concern as he stared at me un-movingly. I was not even sure if this was the right thing for me. Terminating would be wrong but as much as I always wish for death... I did not think it would be coming this early. William was silent...

"My mother thinks I should terminate while I'm still at ten weeks..."

William was stagnant with a straight face, he clenched his jaw not saying anything.

"Sometimes I feel as if you're selfish because this will only affect me. Sometimes I feel as if, we're day dreaming and this will never be. I worry a lot—"

"...you do..." He finally replied. I could feel his heart steadily beating.

"I won't force you to do what you do not want to. Ofcourse it will hurt, if you did..." he trailed off. "Just let me know so I don't leave and come back expecting a baby."

"It's not something, I was—" I tried to defend.

"This will most likely be the best thing that has ever happened to me after Liam. I pride myself in being a better father than what I had growing up. I know, it was selfish and I did not think it through but I definitely wanted this child with you." He said lastly laying a somber kiss on my lips. I liked it, I loved it. I loved these minor gestures.

"Have you thought about names?" I decided to make this less depressing. I would be keeping this child because they would probably be the only thing that reminds me of William. Anything I share with William, it was definite that he would never be mine and a reminder that we share a human being together. A reminder that we made that child together, made me emotional and I just thought that's exactly what I needed to get through this thing we call life.

William chuckled.

"As you can already tell... I am disastrous with names."

I giggled which made his smile broadly.

"Naming Liam after yourself was a lazy thought."

"Tracy named him, I was simply appalled that I had a child. It took a lot for me to let that sink in..." he paused. "I know, it's quite normal for people to have children at twenty or twenty-one but I was not happy. I was terrified that this was the consequence of what I had done. I did not want to be like my father, that scared me."

"You're a good father, William."

"Really? Sometimes it worries me."

"Yes, you're. Liam absolutely adores you. Is that why you were hesitant on having a second child? No one really waits for five years to have a second child."

"I just did not want a child with Tracy." He said with no guilt in his tone.

"Oh.."

"I love Liam now but when he was born, I was definitely distant. I felt as if Tracy had done that sorely to spite me."

"How?" I questioned.

"We had s*x once. There was a Durham party as always, I had too much to drink and I was inexperienced and curious. I had always imagined how it would be, to see a woman naked... I suppose every boy has those significant thoughts. She took advantage of that. I returned to St. Andrews for university and the summer I came back home. She told my father, she was pregnant and the next weekend, I walked into my own wedding. No one asked me how I felt about it, I was just forced into a suit and had to walk done the aisle... stand at the alter." He paused. "A little over eight months after the wedding the child was born supposedly mine and I just had to be a father. She really wanted to push this in my face when she named him William junior. She wanted everyone to know that it was mine." He let out an exaggerated sigh.

I had no idea this was what he had went through. I always assumed, he loved Lady Tracy and that they were this united front. It just saddened me seeing him like that. He didn't seem happy.

"I love Liam." I said out of the blue. "He is so sweet, kind and innocent. I'm glad he was born even with the circumstances. He always makes my day less gloomy." I replied genuinely. "I'd like to think, he is the way he is because it's mostly a reflection of what you teach him. Whenever he comes back from visiting his grandfather... he seems off and entitled but as soon as you spend time with him. He automatically goes back to being that sweet little boy. You're a good father, William. Don't ever question it."

"I'm glad you see me that way, I was always afraid that you would forever hate me."

I cleared my throat. "Do you not think I hate you?"

"It's possible but hard to believe. I suppose considering what I have done, you should hate me."

"If I hated you, as much as I love saying it. I would not be here in your arms... pregnant with your child and willing to keep it even though... it will complicate my life and bring havoc."

"Do you love me then?" He questioned, I could tell by the excitement in his voice but I couldn't. My demeanor without delay changed.

"I'm sorry, that was pushy and unthoughtful of me." He said but I wanted him to know that I did. My nerves would not let me. I really wanted him to know but I just could not say it.

"My love compensates for the both of us. It's alright." He kissed me once more, a question that I always asked myself immediately escaped my lips. "Why me?"

He chuckled, a little surprised.

"Why you?" He said more to himself.

"You have a beautiful wife and this isn't even allowed but here you're. I just don't understand, why you started sleeping with me? Why we did not start this off on a good note instead of taking advantage of me and making me fear you even more?"

He sighed. "I think... I always knew that one way or another, I wanted you after our first encounter when I was eleven."

I remembered that but in all honesty. I did not think about him afterwards. I did not think about him at all. To me, I had just met a white boy and for the first time it was close enough but it shouldn't happen again after Master Joshua gave my father a hard time about it. My mother would always say 'That evil obnoxious man is overworking your father because you touched his so called special boy. Panashe, why did you do that?' I learnt that it was wrong and I stirred away from it as much as I could.

"I tried being friends with you but whenever I was around you ran off to God knows where..."

"My mother had told me to stay away from you. My father had started getting badly treated because that."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I never realized—"

"It's fine, we're in a deeper mess already." He pulled me much closer and whispered. "It's worth it. I want to be with you, I will try to be with you. I'd rather die than not be with you."

This honestly made my heart soften.

"Just don't die this child still needs you." Rephrasing and taking back what I had said about him dying in Australia.

"Do you still need me?"

I sighed, for a moment we made eye contact. "I will always need you."

"I just want you to know that. You're beautiful, the most beautiful woman, I have ever came across. It's not just your body but it's your innocent smile but then again it's also your body. When I went to boarding school then returned...I was absolutely astonished." He chuckled this made curious.

"Why?" I asked.

"You had changed and grown even more beautiful. You suddenly had the body of an hour glass. Your breasts were bigger and everything was just plump and perfectly proportioned. I just remember sitting on the balcony... you were playing with a skipping rope and everything was just bouncing in my full view. I definitely jerked off to the thought of you."

"William—" I was embarrassed and somewhat shy.

"I'm sorry, I was a teenage boy with raging hormones." He added with a chuckle. I looked up and realized he was simply breathtaking, his smile made my breath hitch. I did not care what time of the morning or day it was because I did not want to move. I loved these conversations with him. He showed me that he did not just start liking me yesterday but it had been for a long time and that alone just made me feel special. I knew if circumstances were different it would have been different, everything would have—

"I just always imagined how you would look naked. I sound like a pervert but to a certain point that always occupied my mind. I tried really hard to contain myself but with everything my father justified. I took advantage of you and—" he paused. "I was convinced, I was not doing anything wrong because my family always made it seem normal. Every time you cried... I realized that's not the way I wanted things. I did not want to hurt you, I always wanted to love you and now that you were at close proximity... all I did was hurt you."

"I'm sorry.." William said. "I'm sorry, I didn't make our fairytale start off in every girl's dream. I was mostly afraid that you wouldn't want him back even if I tried. I will never forgive myself for everything I did. It was uncalled for, especially if I claimed to loving you. I admitted, to myself that I loved you when... someone started treating you the way I should have."

I was utterly speechless.

"I'm happy you're the mother of my child, it's something I always wanted especially when I saw how you handled Liam. You're the girl of my dreams and it's absolutely horrid that it will likely most always be a dream."

"I love you William, regardless."

He was stunned. He did not expect it. Even I did not expect it, I just felt I wanted to. My heart sinked knowing he would be gone for a while and wouldn't be holding me in his arms like this or serenading me with stories that made me laugh and grin at the same time.

I love William.

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