Remark

Look What You Made Me Do

You don’t have to go through everything alone. You’re not alone. The note said as soon as I opened my locker that Monday morning. These notes I’ve been receiving, the person behind this must know what I’m going through right now and for a moment, I thought it was Mark playing with me but now that I was seeing through possibilities, I wouldn’t think Mark had that kind of pride in him to keep doing something like this even after break up. To whoever was sending me these, I feel grateful for.

“Nami, can you at least finish one carrot if not everything in your tray. You’re starting to worry me.”

I sighed and realized Hikaru was right. I haven’t touched my food. Everything was still in tack. “I’m not quite hungry.”

Hikaru gives me a disapproving stare and raises his brows. “Not hungry? NOT HUNGRY?” He emphasizes which makes me look down because I know exactly what he’s about to say next. You haven’t been eating for a week and you’re not hungry, that’s what. “You haven’t eaten anything for a year and you’re telling me you’re not hungry.” I said so.

I just scowled and continued staring at my food. Suddenly, everything wasn’t appetizing and I don’t feel any hunger in my stomach. I only feel my broken heart. “I’m just not really hungry, Karu-kun. I don’t know. I feel full all the time.”

I hear Hikaru sigh. “Stuffed? Really? No food for two days and you’re still full?” He suddenly stretches his arms over to my tray and starts digging into my food. He brings up the fork up to my face and I just looked at it confused if he wanted me to eat it or if he just wanted to tell me to eat. “Eat,” He declares.

I try to grab the fork but he jerks it away and gives me a strong glare. “You can’t expect me to eat that way in public, Karu-kun.”

“But if you don’t eat this way, you won’t even eat.”

I frowned at him knowing how right and accurate he was. “Cap!” I turned and saw Jacob running towards my direction. It was a bit weird that he was still calling me cap like the way he did ever since our team merged into one team despite departing from my club (and not being his real captain) but I still knew it was called out for me. He pants hard when he reached me.

“Why are you running Jacob? What’s the matter?” I asked.

He takes a deep breath before proceeding to talk. “Captain wants to see you.”

“Tyler?” I asked twice in assurance. Jacob nodded as he touched his chest, still panting hard might I add. “Okay. When?”

“Now,”

“Now, now?”

“Now now,” he answered.

I sighed and grabbed my bag to go.

“Wait, you’re not finishing your meal?” Hikaru asked and I turned back to him.

“I’ll go ahead, cap.”

I nodded over at Jacob.

“You have to eat, Nami-chan.” Hikaru added and this time, his voice was much softer but still angry worried. “You can’t go on every single day without any food in your stomach even if you say you’re full. You’re going to die.”

I smiled at him. “I’ll be fine.”

“Fine with not eating or fine with dying?”

I chuckled. “Both.”

He grunts and stands up from his seat handing me a piece of bread. “Eat this then, at least. Don’t starve yourself, okay?”

I nodded. “Thank you, Hikaru.”

I was walking over to the club feeling nostalgic over the fact that I already gave up on my dancing. The envy I feel every time I still see Tyler working with a dance team even in college is inevitable. Sometimes I wonder how I’d be like right now if I hadn’t given up on my dancing. I wish I was still captain like Tyler.

By the time I reached the studio, I knocked before opening the door. “Jacob said you—” I froze and my blood started rushing up to my brain the moment Mark turns around and meets my eyes. I felt my heart trembling all over again. “Where’s Tyler?” I asked him.

“He actually—”

“I’ll come back when he’s here then.” I turned around to leave but then he stopped me.

“Nami can we please just talk?”

My chest began tightening. “We have nothing to talk about.” I answered coldly.

“How can you say we got nothing to talk about when there obviously is?”

I sighed and finally turned back around to face him. He doesn’t have his normal bright face. As a matter of fact, he looked like he hasn’t been sleeping seeing his evident dark circles under his eyes. “What do you want from me?” I finally asked.

“What happened?”

I remained quiet.

“What happened to us?”

I stared at Mark unable to believe his words.

“Why did you break up with me? Just like that. I don’t know what I did wrong for you to suddenly do that to me. What did I ever do, Nami? W-Where did I go wrong? When did I ever let you down? I don’t understand why you left me like that, Nami. Hanging and confused.”

I pressed my lips together. “Maybe it was best for us to go our separate ways. We’re young. It’s not the end of the world. I’m sure you’ll find other girl you can date.”

“How is that for the best, Nami? Do you know how much I’m hurting right now? Do you know how difficult it is for me to figure out why the hell you broke up with me? I’m having sleepless nights thinking of reasons why you did what you did.”

I looked down with a crooked smile. “And it ends here. See you around, Mark.”

“Okay. I’m sorry!”

I blinked. For some reason, I had butterflies going around my stomach. It wasn’t the giddy feeling type of butterflies-in-my-stomach, it was more like my intestines slowly tying knots inside of me with the rush of my blood passing through the back of my neck – and it wasn’t even windy.

“For whatever I did. I’m sorry okay? I never meant to hurt you in any way.”

I gulped hard and walked out of the studio. Just like that, I left the guy and never spoke back even if he called me back. Right now, I only felt my warm heart turn cold after learning how insensitive Mark was.

“Nami,”

I shot up from my position and looked at my surrounding. I was in the department office. I don’t even remember going here and listening to whatever the president has to say. My mind was floating elsewhere and it sure wasn’t here today. I turned to my right and saw Jonah crossing his arms. “Senior.”

He doesn’t say anything but stares at my face.

I blinked several times and gulped hard. If he’s preparing to scold me then I don’t blame him. I was worth scolding after not being consciously aware of things that were happening inside the office. “A-Am I kicked out of my position?” I awkwardly asked.

He sighed. “Can you tell me what I told everyone a while ago during the meeting?”

I looked away, pressing my lips together. I knew then I was screwed. My eyes squinted in embarrassment. I should have listened and paid attention during the board meeting. Now I have to think of a new credential once he tells me I’m out. “Congratulations?” I answered and thought I could be funny to at least lessen my chances of getting degraded from my post. I was forced to be here but I can’t deny the fact that I still am protecting it no matter what. It looks good on resumes after all – a credential for being a part of the department officials.

He looks at me then snorts out loud. What a relief.

“I’m sorry!” I slapped my forehead and bowed my head down in shame. I was a representative of our year and here I am not taking full responsibility. “I swear I have better days than this and I’ll make sure it won’t happen again. Just please don’t kick me out of the board.” I literally begged crossing my fingers and hope for the best decision he’s bound to make.

“Kick you out?”

I hear him say but kept my head low.

“Who said I was going to kick you out?”

“You aren’t?” I looked up hopeful and his teasing face welcomes me. The type of face that looks at you with full of insult. The type that you would want to punch if he wasn’t superior – then again, maybe I was being very ridiculous that it made him laugh at me like that.

He shakes his head and wheezes. “If anything I’m worried about you.” Silence enveloped between the two of us. How am I supposed to react to that kind of sentence? “Why are you so pre-occupied and absent-minded? You’ve been spacing out the moment you walked right through that door.” He gestures the door.

I sighed. “There’s just a lot going on right now.”

“I’m sure there is because if there isn’t, I might bring you to a psychiatrist myself. That ain’t normal for you.”

I chuckled when he suddenly grabs my wrist. I looked at him confused.

“You can walk away once we get there.”

At first, I didn’t really get what he meant when he said I can walk away when we get there but now I do. He brought me to a fancy café. A place I am actually familiar with because they sell awesome sweets and they have tons of gummies for me to eat. There was no way I’m walking out of this place.

“You can leave now,”

I shook my head. My feet were frozen in place and I was almost drooling in temptation. He knows my love for gummies so it would be impossible for me to walk away from here now that we were standing outside the café, taking in the lingering smell of the sweet delicacies, and literally being able to see them in a compartment from the transparent glass. “Let’s go,” I pull his wrist towards the entrance and scan for an available table for two.

Jonah offered to take my order so when he came back, I felt like I was floating in air the moment I laid my eyes on my cup of gummies. I really didn’t mind the other things over the tray. The gummies were gloriously shining as if there were lights below it. Gummies still made me feel so much better. Nothing beats that.

“So what happened to you?” He suddenly asked making me gulp and feel uneasy. “I mean, I have to at least know why you’re acting like that so I can understand.”

I took a deep breath before I start talking and opening up to someone I’m not really close to but I’m opening up anyway. “Mark and I broke up. A few days ago,” I guess it’s always a better step to share in order to move on.

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

I flashed a smile. “I’ve been questioning myself if I made the right decision to break up with him but now I realize I don’t have to.”

“Questioning your decision? What do you mean?”

“I broke up with him because I don’t think he trusts me enough to stay longer.”

He doesn’t say anything but he kept listening still. “So how come you were drawn to that realization? Of thinking that you might have made the wrong decision?”

“At first, I thought I was being too emotionally over dramatic over it but I really don’t want him to not trust me. I hate it. I don’t like him like that. I want him to trust me the way I trust him.” I see him nod and it made me feel much more comfortable telling him the whole story. “A while ago, I talked to Mark so that adds up to my unusual mood.”

“And?”

“He was clueless,”

“Of—”

“Of why I broke up with him; of what he did wrong.” I sighed shaking my head and still feel the anger I feel after hearing Mark a while ago. “He even said he was sorry. Can you believe him? He can’t even spell out what he did wrong and he’s saying sorry still. Who does that? How can I possibly stay with someone who’s apologizing for something he’s not even aware of doing?”

He nods. “Well you made the right decision then.”

I looked at Jonah.

“The fact that he doesn’t know his mistakes’ enough to prove that he’s, well,” I wait for his next words. “Dumb, I guess. I was going to say jerk but in honor of our friendship and my respect to your loss of partner, I decided to use dumb for less insult.”

Dumb. I snorted and covered my mouth in order to stop myself from laughing. “You could have just said it and have me not minding it.”

“I mean, if your ex isn’t so dumb he would have known the answer to why you broke up with him, right? And he’s a jerk for not trusting you. If you’re dating a man like that, might as well get yourself a dog.”

I finally chuckled and leaned back to my chair looking at Jonah in amuse. “A dog? Really? Are you seriously comparing Mark to a dog? That’s not so nice even he’s my ex now. We still had some past.”

“Just because they’re a better companion. I’m not comparing your beloved ex to a dog. I’m stating an example. Like Sawyer, perhaps.”

“Sawyer?” I asked.

He nodded sipping from his tea. “My dog.”

“Why Sawyer?” I chuckled at how funny the name of his dog was. “Does it chop trees?”

He laughed. “Nice try, but no.” He paused. “It’s allegedly a monster who’s the best at any sport so,”

I wheezed shaking my head in disbelief. “Who names their dogs like that? That’s too funny.” He doesn’t reply anything after that. Suddenly, there was an awkward silence when I noticed how intense the way he looked at me. “W-What’s wrong?”

He shook his head still wearing his thin smile. “You have a beautiful smile Nami.” Smile? Okay? “You shouldn’t be hiding that behind your frowning mask just because Mark failed to impress and do his responsibilities as your boyfriend before.”

I was out of words. Sometimes Jonah tells me the most flattering words that could immediately make you feel speechless. “I’m not trying to hide it. It just so happened that I can’t bring myself to smile these day and no, I don’t have a beautiful smile. You’re only saying it because you’re only seeing it now.” I deny and munched a gummy uncomfortably. I don’t know if it was a good thing that he’s suddenly making me feel all giddy but I guess it was only normal for hearts to react that way when a guy tells you things like that.

“So you prefer hearing your imperfections then? Okay. I got you.” He pauses for a moment to think. “You have really bad hair, you’re so short, you always have bad breath and you think you’re so good at everything.”

My eyes widened. “For real?”

He chuckled. “Of course not. You’re the opposite of everything I just said.”

“Denier!” I throw him the gummy I was holding and laughed. For how many hours, we just talked about a lot of things that reminded me of how fun it was before when things weren’t complicated and you just don’t care of other people, not worrying about other people might feel about it. It was reminiscing to feel this way again now that I wasn’t with Mark but I still do miss him – a lot. No matter how bad he hurt me.

“Seriously, Jonah. Thank you for making this day a lot better.” I say as we step out of the café to walk around the mall. “I might have ended up being psychotic if you hadn’t brought me out of my reality. I really needed something like this.”

“This isn’t a dream though so it’s still reality.” Jonah corrects, slipping his hands over the pocket of his loose fitted jeans. “But you’re welcome I’m glad I get to be your clown today without me making you feel uncomfortable around me.”

I nodded and continued walking with my head down following Jonah’s tracks.

“So where do you want to—”

Jonah holds me back and holds my arm, pulling me back to his back. I looked up confused of what was suddenly happening and there I saw the reason why I was disappointed the whole day in the first place. “Nami,” Mark mumbles my name and shifts his gaze to Jonah. “Are you really dating this guy already? After we just broke up? You’re officially dating him now in public?”

“I—”

“And if she is?” Jonah cuts me off.

Mark couldn’t respond.

“I don’t think it’s your business to know what she decides to do now.” He added making Mark more speechless. “Nami’s not dating me but,” I looked at Jonah surprised of what he was doing and nervous for what he’s about to do. “I’m sure it won’t be any problem if I start courting her right?”

“C-Courting her?”

Courting me? “Jonah,” I whisper trying to get his attention but his eyes were fixated on Mark with a sly grin on his face. “Please let’s just—”

“Yes,” Jonah added. “I am courting her because I like her.” He pierces his gaze over Mark.

Mark snorts. “I don’t believe you,”

But Jonah just smirks. “Would she be here with me now if she wouldn’t let me?”

Mark’s smile fades away and slowly turns into a frown.

“I’m sure you wouldn’t mind right? Letting me court her?” He suddenly asked. “Oh, wait. I shouldn’t even be asking you anymore because she’s not yours anymore.” Every emphasis Jonah makes, makes me shiver but I wasn’t stopping him.

Mark just holds his stare over Jonah who was just calm and collected.

“But okay. Just to set your mind at ease, I’ll be very clear with you. I will be courting your ex-girlfriend, Mark Lee.”

“Nami. He’s lying right?” Mark attempts to hold me but Jonah pulls me further to his back making the former to him furiously.

“I should thank you, by the way.” Jonah pauses and my heart accelerates even more. “Thank you for messing up and giving me this opportunity to be your ex-girlfriend’s future partner.”