Mixed Feelings

“James let's go!”   “I’m coming.”   I ran down the steps with my last bag in hand. Making my way to the car running through the kids in the yard. It’s my summer break, right before starting collage in the fall. Last night was my Grad party, we decided it would be best if I moved into an apartment during the summer so that I could get familiar with the area I would attend college. My parents are paying for it while I got a scholarship for school. My best friend, Jackson will be staying with me and I'll be getting other roommates. One of which will be my sister. My twin sister. I don’t really know how to feel about that, we’ve always been close but she's always been the one to be quiet and shy and tell on me when I went to parties in high school. There are 6 rooms in the apartment, four of which are already taken so that leaves 2 more, One of my sister's friends is also moving in with us since she hasn’t seen her for a long time and that was one of my parent's conditions for the apartment. Each of us got to choose one person to live with us. I’m heading down tonight with Jackson but my sister isn’t moving in until next week. Which gives me pliantly of time to throw a party before she gets there, since I won't be able to have any without her telling on me.   “Remember we will be there next week with your sister” My mom smiled and pulled me in for a hug  “Yeah, I know” I rolled my eyes hugging her back   “Son”   “Yeah dad”   “Have a safe trip”   “I will”   “Get in the car i***t!” Jackson yelled from the driveway  “Listen here” I yelled back jumping in the front seat throwing my last bag behind me.   “Be careful boys!”  “We will Mrs. Johnson!” Jackson yelled pulling out of the driveway  “As soon as we get there, we are going to the first party we see” Jackson laughed handing me the Aux cord   I pull up our go to play list, yes, we have a go to play list.  Jackson drives for a few hours and then we switch and I drive on and off a few times before we finally get to the apartment. The drive gives me plenty of time to think about life and school. Balancing a life with school and work is going to be difficult. I don’t really have to work but I'm choosing to so my parents won’t have full control over how much I spend and what I spend it on.     “Dude wake up” I nudge at Jackson who is dead asleep in the passenger seat  “Where are we?” He asked confused. It’s midnight by the time we get to the apartment, completely dark outside besides the street lights and the headlights from the car.   “The apartment” I laughed getting out of the car and grabbing some bags. Sometimes Jackson can be dense as f**k but he’s my best friend. He follows my lead grabbing bags and following me up to the apartment. When I open the door, I’m greeted by some of the other people that live in the building but one door sticks out to me the most. It has a reef on it that says “welcome to the shitshow, hope you brought booze” And I couldn’t help but laugh.   “You guys new?” A voice said from behind us  “Yeah” I stopped and turned around. I was met with a small woman, probably 18-19 years old. She has blue curly hair and blue eyes. Shes wearing short shorts with a graphic tee on it that says ‘My crystal ball says to f**k off’  “Cool, I’m Layla” She smiled  “My name is James, and this is Jackson” I smiled back   “There's a party tonight if y’all wanna come”   “For sure!” Jackson yelled a little to excitedly   “Y’all aren’t cops, are you?” She laughed again   “No” I laughed   She walked to the door with the sign on it and knocked. When it opened I woman about the same age and same height as Layla opened the door. Her hair was red with orange tips and she was wearing the same shirt but as a crop top and ripped shorts.   “Hey Ellie, this is James and Jackson, they are new” Layla laughed   “Yeah okay”   “Are you still moping about Travis?”   “I’m not moping asshole!”   “Who’s Travis?” Jackson asked and I elbowed him in the stomach.   “It’s Ellies Ex-boyfriend. They broke up a week ago and she has barley left this room since, which is why I’m dragging her to the party tonight, you guys need some help moving stuff in?”   “It’s okay we can manage”   “If you want to help, we could use it” Jackson stated.   “Dude!” I elbowed him again.   “We can help, I have a few friends that can help to” Layla smiled and walked back to her apartment, door still open she whistled inside and three men came to her as well as one other girl.   “These guys are moving in, so we are going to help” Layla smiled innocently at them.  “The things you get us into” One of the guys laughed and put his shoes on.   “The red car yours?” Another said   “Yeah” Jackson said and started walking towards our apartment.   “Here, I’ll go with Jackson and you can help everyone else” Layla said with a smile.   “Thanks” I handed the bag I had to her and went outside to grab more.   The things Jackson gets us into because he can’t keep his mouth shut. I went out and grabbed a few bags and a box and got a good look at everyone. One of the guys was a little taller than the rest maybe by an inch or two, he has black curly hair only on the top kind of like mine but his needs to be trimmed down again with brown eyes. Another had blue eyes and longer styled brown hair, it was smooth on the sides but flipped up on the top. The last guy had green eyes with longer Brown hair in a manbun. The girl has hot pink hair up in a messy bun with green eyes and freckles.   “So, which one are you?” The guys with the manbun asked   “Dude, that’s not how you ask that, I’m Josh” The guy with hair like mine said.   “I’m James” I laughed it off.   “Cool that’s Ella, Jake and Jack” Josh said pointing out everyone.   “Well, thanks' for helping us in, I appreciate it” I smiled as we walked up to our apartment.   “So, 6 bedrooms huh? Anyone else moving in with you?” Ella asked.  “Yeah actually, my sister and one of her friends is.”   “Thats it?”   “Yeah. We have to leave one room for our parents yet I still think they will opt out to stay in a hotel and we are going to get another roommate but my parents insisted my sister stay with us.” I laughed it off.   “Yeah, all of our parents said the same thing, but none of them have ever come to visit so we just rented out the room.” Josh laughed.   They finished helping us move in and time went by faster with more people since we really didn’t have a lot. They left us to unpack most of it but helped with the living room stuff. Ella and Layla helped with our rooms ‘since we are men, we will do it wrong’ Ella’s words not mine. They went to get ready for the party and left us to get ready as well. We both got showers and dressed, brushed our teeth and fixed out hair and sat on the couch until Layla texted us.   “Everyone seems nice”   “Yeah, Layla is kinda hot”  “Ella is where it’s at”  “What about Ellie?”  “She’s hot but she has a lot of problems right now, I don’t think she’s in the mood”  “I don’t think it’s a good idea to get involved with anyone who lives in the apartment complex”  “Yeah, maybe not the best idea.”   “I’m sure there will be plenty of people at the party”   “For sure”   “You ready? Layla just texted me”   “Yeah, let’s get at it”   We walked down the steps and met everyone else, we took an uber to the party to be safe and responsible. Ellia and Ellie came with us and Layla went with Josh, Jake and Jack. When we got there, we all met up with each other and Layla stuck with us almost all night, we were drinking and partying and having fun and then Layla went home with Jake and Jack and Josh stayed with us Ellie and Ella. Ella and Ellie went home shortly after and Josh stuck behind with us until we were ready to leave. He really is like the ‘dad’ of the friend group, made sure everyone got home okay.   We left around 1 am and got home around 6 am. Everyone went back to their apartments and slept it off. By 11 am I was getting phone calls and text messages out the ass and I just kept ignoring them. Then came the knocks on the door and shortly after pounding.   “What?” I opened the door quickly absolutely annoyed.   “Hey, there is someone waiting downstairs for you.” Ella said quickly   “Who?” I asked confused  “I don’t know, some girl.”   “That helps”  “She has brown hair, Green eyes. I think she said her name was Alexis?”   “Oh f**k, okay. Give me five”   “Okay”  I shut the door and ran back to Jacksons room who was just as dead as I am.   “Jackson get up!” I threw the blankets off of him and opened the blackout curtains.   “Dude what's your problem?”   “Alexis is here”   “What?”  “Alexis is here”  “WHAT?!”   “Yeah, she’s downstairs.”   “f**k”   “Let's go”  I ran to my room and threw on pants and met Jackson in the bathroom as we brushed our teeth, we ran downstairs completely forgetting shirts or shoes.   “Here they are” Ella smiled as we walked down the steps   “Jackson, James!” Alexis ran over and hugged us both.   “Hey little sis, what are you doing here?” Jackson said quickly   “Oh, mom got tired of me already.”   “It hasn’t even been an entire day dude”   “I know, but she said I get on her nerves to much so she sent me to stay with you for the summer, she called you”   “How did you even get here?”   “A train, and an uber”   “Okay, let's get your stuff upstairs.”   “Go ahead up a while, I’m going to talk to them for a bit”   “Okay, thanks dude”   “Of course, you know I got you whenever”   Jackson took Alexis's upstairs. Alexis is 17 but their mom has been checked out since Jackson was 10 which would have made Alexis 7. Jackson has been taking care of them for a while even at a young age, their mom would go to work and then party all night and do it over and over again. They stayed with us a lot as kids. Jackson is more like a brother to me than anything else. And Alexis is like a little sister, a less annoying little sister.   “Sorry about that you guys”  “It’s no problem” Layla smiled  “Can I ask a question?” Josh asked   “Yeah, sure dude”  “I know it’s not my place but is everything okay?” Josh asked again   “Yeah, typically Jackson and Alexis spent weeks even months at my house, every major holiday, every weekend, every day off school, every summer. Their mom isn’t the best”   “Oh wow. I couldn’t imagine going through something like that” Ella said   “Yeah, it was hard on them at first but it quickly became a normal routine for them, my parents were even going to adopt them but their mom refused”   “Is Jackson going to be okay with you telling us this?” Jake asked   “Yeah, he’s pretty open to people about it. He knew I was going to explain everything”   “Well, that’s good. I’m glad he has a friend like you to stick by him. Usually, people would just walk away.”   “Nah, Jackson’s my boy till the end. I always got his back and he’s always got mine.”   “Well, I’m glad, we were just about to get ready for breakfast, do you want to come with?”   “Yeah sure. Let me go ask Jackson and Alexis and then I'll text you guys”   “Okay cool.”  I turned and ran back up the steps to talk to Jackson and Alexis, of course Jackson asked me what I told everyone and I told him what I told them. He knew I was going to tell them the truth so he wasn’t mad, since he is always open and honest with people when they ask about his home life. He thinks of it this way, it’s his story and while it wasn’t the best, he isn’t ashamed of where he came from or how hard he worked to get where he is. If anything, it just proves how hard he works in life. We got dressed and headed down to meet everyone else. Jackson may be my best friend but Alexis and I have also always been close, she stuck by me more today than she has in a while. Which makes me think something happened she isn’t talking about, whenever Alexis would cling to me more than Jackson, I always knew something was wrong. Something more serious. As everyone went on with their conversations, I pulled out my phone and texted Alexis, this was bugging me.   “Hey what happened?”   “What do you mean?”   “You are being clingy?”  “Oh, I’m sorry I don’t mean to be. I can head back to the apartment if you want”   “No Alexis, I'm not mad. I do know that when you cling to me more than Jackson that something bad happened you don’t want to tell him.”   “Oh”  “So, what happened?”  “It’s nothing important James”  “It’s bugging you so it is. Alexis you are like my little sister and I don’t want to see you hurt”  “Can you just let it go for now?”  “Actually, I can’t”   “Please, I don’t want to talk about it.”  “Did something happen with your mom? Or your boyfriend? What about Ashley? Or Christina?”   “What. No. Just stop.”   “Fine”   I rolled my eyes and put my phone away turning my attention back to the conversation at hand. Jackson was talking to Josh, Jake and Jack about the gyms in the aera and Alexis started talking to the girls about girl things I’m guessing. I joined in with the guys but my attention quickly adverted when I heard the girls talking to Alexis about me.   “So, James” Ella said lowly thinking It was low enough for no one but them to hear.   “What about him?” Alexis asked   “Is he single? What’s he into? What’s his family like?” Ellie asked   “Guys, you know the rules, we don’t hook up with people in the apartment building. It makes things messy” Layla chimed in.   “Yes, James is single, He’s into a lot of things I don’t really know how to explain it all, and his family is nice, they are rich but don’t really parade it around like they have money to waste. When we would spend holidays there, we always got expensive gifts.” Alexis said.   “Okay but James is super-hot.” Ella said.   “He can be hot; you just can’t touch. Take Ellie for example. She has to watch Trevor parade girls in and out all the time now. That’s why there are rules in place.”   “Have you and James ever?”   “No” Alexis screamed quickly getting everyone’s attention.   “Sorry, girl talk” Layla waved all the guys off.   “Really?”   “Yeah no, James is like my older brother. I’ve spent so much time there that it would be super weird.”   “Okay but you’ve never even thought about it?”  “Okay yeah I’ve thought about it, but he would never”  “But you cling to him a lot. And have since you got here”  “Dude” Layla slapped Ella.   “What I’m just saying what we are all thinking.” Ella defended.   “You’re right but you don’t just flat out say that”   “It’s okay, I cling to him when I don’t want to tell Jackson stuff. James has always been my first confidant. He decides if I should tell Jackson or he handles it himself. I honestly don’t want to tell either of them but James has already pressed for information over text. I figured if we went out it wouldn’t be as noticeable and he wouldn’t ask. It would give me more time to think of a lie about what really happened.”   “So, what really happened?” Ellie asked  “It’s not our business!” Layla slapped Ellie I left out a chuckle.   “Are you listening to our girl talk?!” Layla glared at me.   “What, no!” I tried to defend  “James Michel Killian!” Alexis shouted at me.   “You never listen to girls talk!” Layla shouted at me.   “Caught” Jackson laughed as well as the rest of the guys.   “Well, if you weren’t talking about how hot I am I wouldn’t have listen!” I defended and their faces went red.   “We are taking Alexis shopping!” They stood up about to storm off.   “Wait, Alexis take my card” I said quickly pulling it out of my wallet.   “You sure?” Alexis asked concerned.   “Yeah” I smirked and the girls pulled her along on their shopping trip.   This was going to be a long summer; my sister comes this weekend and my best friend's sister is living with us for the summer to. Maybe longer given how f****d up their mom is right now. Plus, my sister's best friend that she hasn’t seen in a couple of years, Cora. The last time I saw her was summer vacation, 2018 She just turned 15 and was a little wild at that time, my sister always talks and facetimes her and they play videogames together but I haven’t personally seen her in a while. I just hear stories or laughter or drama going on in their lives.   ALEXIS’S P.O.V.   When the girls pulled me out of the diner we were in, I felt the sun beat down on me with my leggings and jacket on since it was a little chilly.   “Girl you look hot and not in a good way” Ella said as we walked down the street.   “Here’s a cute store with dresses!” Layla smiled and pulled me into the store.   I looked at a lot of dresses but there was no way I would be able to wear them, any of them. I like my long pants and my jackets for a reason. Being a 17-year-old is hard, and so is coping with the everyday stress, especially when your mom is on drugs all the time. Plus, they were all a little pricey, I know James didn’t give me a price on how much I could spend but I really don’t want to spend a lot.   “Alexis, try this on” Layla said quickly pulling me into a dressing room with her.   “Listen, I know what long pants and jackets mean. If you ever need to talk, a lot of us have been there. Okay?” Layla whispered as she walked out.   Layla picked the perfect dress, it had sleeves but they were only down the lower half of my arms and it went beyond my thighs.   Although I still had bandages on my wrist, I walked out with my head held high as part of the lower bandage slid out just enough for Ellie to see.   “Hey Alexis, come try this on!” She yelled and pushed me back in.   “You okay?” She asked with concern.   “Oh yeah” I stuttered as I pulled the sleeve up.   “Alexis, I know we just met but you can talk to me.” She smiled a genuine smile.   “I tried to, unalive myself” I paused for a second trying to collect my thoughts on how she would take this.   “Hey it’s okay” She smiled at me and pulled up her jacket she also had on. Scars covered her wrists up and down, some old and fading, some new. Some deep some just surface.   “Wow” I said shocked.   “Yeah, I know it’s a lot but Ella doesn’t know, Layla does because she has been there before so if you ever need to talk about it, please let me know. Layla and I will be there for you every step of the way. Especially when you tell James and Jackson” Ellie said with a smile. The thought of telling James or Jackson made my heart race, my chest tighten and I started to feel anxious. I quickly changed out of the dress and ran outside.   “Is everything okay?” Ella asked coming out.   “Yeah, I’ll be fine” I said trying to catch my breath.   “You are having a panic attack” Ellie said quickly pulling out her phone and calling James.   Before I could even protest James was running towards me down the street.   “Hey, what's wrong?” James asked quickly looking at me.   “She’s having a panic attack” Ellie explained quickly   “Hey it’s okay Lexie, just breath. Focus on my voice, it’s okay. In and out.” James said and I could feel everyone look at us as he knelt down Infront of me   “What do you smell?” He asked   “Food” I laughed   “What can you see?”   “Trees, cars, stores.”   “What can you hear?”   “You, birds, a bell, and a horn”   “What can you feel”  “The sun, the wind, and the concrete”   “Better?” James asked as I stood up  “Yeah, thanks” I said lowly as Jackson, Jake, Jack, and Josh ran towards us.   “Hey you okay?” Jackson asked panicked.   “Yeah, I'm fine” I smiled as if nothing ever happened.   “Yeah? Then why was James kneeling?” He asked irritated.   “She had a panic attack, but she's okay” James protested.   “No, she isn’t she hasn’t had a panic attack in months” Jackson raised his voice.   “Okay one, lower your voice. Two no, she has been having panic attacks. She just tells me and not you because you always freak out, or you were working, or out with a girl and she didn’t want to bug you. I walked her through it she’s fine” James said defending me.   “Have you been having panic attacks this whole time?” Jackson asked me  “Yeah” I said lowly embarrassed.   “Listen, this isn’t the time or place for this conversation. Alexis is coming with us and we will finish shopping together, you guys go hit the gym or something” Layla rolled her eyes and drug me along. Ella went back to the apartment so she could get ready for work and the guys left us alone. We shopped for a little and then got ice cream and sat in the park away from people so I could talk to them.   “Listen, I wanted to say I was sorry” Ellie said as we sat down.   “For what?” Layla asked.   “Not to you, to Alexis you i***t” Ellie rolled her eyes.   “I know I should have been more understand of your situation and if you aren’t ready to talk about it then you shouldn’t. But you should really tell them what happened before they find out from a third party.” Ellie explained.   “Wait I’m lost” Layla said confused.   “I tried too unalive myself, that’s why I'm here. That’s why I have these, and Ellie said I should tell James and Jackson and that’s what sent me into a panic attack.” I explained.   “Now it makes sense. Ellie is right though; you should tell them when you are ready. But it would be better for them to hear it from you and not from someone else.” Layla explained   “I kinda want to tell them now, while I have the confidence to do it” I confessed.   “Then we will hype you up the whole way home” Ellie stood up and held out her hand, I grabbed it and we walked back together as they told me stories from their past and Ellies present. They told me they would stay with me if I want them to which I kinda did but I felt like I needed to do it on my own. They agreed to stay close by though. When we got to the apartment everyone was back and Layla and Ellie told Jackson and James, I needed to talk to them so they kicked them out. We walked up to the apartment in silence and as soon as the closed all the confidence I built up was now gone.   “Okay, talk” Jackson said sitting down across from me.   “So, I wanted to explain the real reason mom had me come stay with you” I said lowly my voice barley loud enough for them to hear.   “It’s okay Lexie” James smiled at me.   “So, a couple weeks ago I snuck out of the house and went to a party. The party I had you pick me up from Jackson” I explained.   “Yeah, I remember that party” Jackson said with a concerned look on his face.   “So, while I was at that party something happened, luckily it was a few days before school ended so I didn’t have to endure the worst but school was really hard for me. I didn’t sleep with anyone against my will or my best friend's boyfriend or anything like that but I did sleep with someone, and he told the school about the scars I have.” I explained as Jackson face filled with anger.   “Go on” Jackson said coldly.   “So, a couple days ago I got some texts, some messages, some emails, some letters tapped to the front door with Knifes and Razor blades in them” I explained and watched as Jackson went from anger to completely pissed off, pan over to James and he looked calm, collected. He didn’t even seem phased by any of it.  “Mom went out late one night you were over at James’s house and I wrote a note” I explained again.   “The note?” Jackson asked tears filling his eyes.   “Yes, Jax The note” I said quickly pausing for a second to look down at my wrists.   “Lexie” James spoke his words pierced me like I could feel his heart break.   “I tried to kill myself” I said and pulled off my jacket revealing the bandages around my wrists.