Not on Fire (Phan AU)

valentine

Dan's never been a big fan of Valentine's Day, for the sole reason that he doesn't think there needs to be a holiday all about love, and he's not against love by any means. If he wasn't as destructive as he is, he thinks he would want to one day fall in love, meet a nice guy or girl, someone he could be honest with and not feel like such a disappointment, but he doesn't understand why there needs to be a holiday for something that some people can't truly celebrate for whatever reason. Well, that, and he's pretty bitter about everything these days.

Usually, he'd be hanging out with Louise right now, having a movie marathon that would start and end with The Perks of Being a Wallflower, but after their fight not too long ago, he's not ready to just let her back into his life as if nothing happened at all. He knows it's not just her fault, but right now, pretending like it is makes it easier for him to deal with it and keeps him from feeling like he needs to be the one to say sorry first.

He could just spend the day alone, but he's so used to have Louise around even when he doesn't want her to be that being alone just makes him feel lonely, a feeling that he was once used to, but clearly isn't anymore. Except he's not going to just give in simply because he's feeling a little lonely. What would that show Louise? It would tell her that he's willing to put up with her no matter what because he needs her, and while it may be true that he needs her, he's done putting up with whatever she says just because she wants him to.

He's almost tempted to write. It's a passion of his that he abandoned for a while, but he does have an unfinished story in his drafts and an idea of where to go with it. He just doesn't have any motivation even though it's something he enjoys, and he'd much rather spend his Valentine's Day doing something that required a little less effort, like having a movie marathon.

It's not like he has many friends to invite over instead of Louise, which is one of the reasons he was always so willing to put up with her, and she knew it, too. While she may have been trying to change it, Dan thinks she also secretly liked having so much power over him simply because she is his only true friend. Of course, there's always Phil. Dan's more than sure that he'd jumped at the opportunity to hang out with him, and it's not like he would mind per se. It's just that the moe he hangs out with him, the harder it is for him to stop himself from befriending him, which would not end well for either of them. The only reason he stays friends with Louise is because he's practically grandfathered in, but Phil isn't and he doesn't deserve a friend like Dan, one who is rude and inconsiderate even on the best of days.

He could always hang out with his parents. After all, they are home and they are probably more than willing. Except, what kind of loser spends Valentine's Day with his parents? It'd be better just to spend it alone, but then again, he is trying to at least attempt to repair his relationship with his parents. Is he willing to do it right now though, when he could be doing something much more exciting? Obviously he knows he's going to have to do it eventually if he really is serious about fixing things between them (which he is). It's just that . . . well he's not exactly sure what it is, but either he's not ready or it is the day itself, whatever the case may be, he just knows he isn't going to hang out with them today. Plus--he thinks, and this may or may not be a way of convincing himself that what he's doing is okay--they should spend Valentine's Day together on a date or something, not hanging out with their shitty son.

After running through all his options while staring at his ceiling, he decides that Phil's the best choice out of them all (which is a really horrible way to think about it, but if he's being honest with himself, he knows that there's more to it than Phil being just the best option by default). And he did say that he was going to give him a chance, something that he's been promising for a while and never actually living up to it. Even though he's already at a point where he's made up his mind about Phil, you can never be too sure.

With that in mind, he sends Phil a text.

Dan: Hey, do you want to come over? We could watch movies or play video games.

Phil's response is almost instant.

Phil: Sure. I'm on my way.

Dan: Great.

Now that he's dealt with that, he gets out of a bed, gets dressed, and heads to the kitchen, where he finds his parents talking over breakfast. Hesitantly, he takes a seat next to his dad and picks up an apple from the bowl on the table, twisting it over and over in hands instead of actually eating it.

He's not sure why he feels so nervous talking to his parents. Maybe it's because he knows how horribly he treated them and now he's worried that he'll make one wrong step and upset them further.

The tension is thick in the air, but whether or not his parents feel it, too, is a mystery. It's like there's an invisible weight pushing in on him, the thick air choking him, surrounding and suffocating him. He hasn't felt like this around in his parents in some time now, but he can't say that he's entirely surprised. He knows he created this atmosphere all on his own; his parents tried to work with him, but he continuously pushed them away until they were too scared to say hi to him, worried that it would cause him to lash out at them again. They're his parents; it shouldn't be like this. He should be able to sit down at a table with them and immediately start up a conversation by telling them about whatever is on his mind. Except they haven't been able to do that in a while, and it's all his fault.

"So," he says, grasping at straws for what he should say next, "Phil's coming over, if that's okay."

"Of course it's okay," his mother says, looking up at him with a small smile. "We're going to go out later today. Your dad's taking me on a date, so you don't have to worry about us embarrassing you."

"You don't embarrass me," he mumbles, turning his head down to stare at the apple in his hands. "And I don't mind if you're around when he's over."

"You don't have to lie to us," she says. "You're a teenage boy. Of course your parents are going to embarrass you; it's our job, too."

"Yeah, just wait until we bring out the baby photos to show to your first boyfriend or girlfriend. Then we'll really embarrass you," his dad jokes, laughing a little, but he keeps his attention on the newspaper in his hands.

"As long as there are no pictures of me naked."

"Well, there might not be any pictures, but that's okay because we have a video that's even better," his mom says.

"I forgot about that! So much better than a picture." His dad chuckles and shakes his head. "I'm sure whoever you end up dating will love seeing it."

It's almost like they've forgotten about the past year (well, let's be real, it's been longer than a year, but it's been the worst for the past year) and moved past it. Dan knows that's not the case, but for right now, he's content with believing it, even if just for a few seconds. It's going to take more than a few minutes to fix the damage he's caused, but they're working towards it, and that's what's important.

The air isn't thick anymore, and Dan no longer feels like he's suffocating, either, so he breathes in a sigh of a relief and takes a bite of his apple, allowing the joking to dissolve whatever tension is left.

"Dear god, remind me to never tell you when I'm dating someone or I'd probably die of mortification."

"I thought we didn't embarrass you," his mother says smugly, the corner of her lips lifting up into a small smirk. "Or were you lying to us, mister."

"Oh my god," Dan says, groaning. "What did I do to deserve this?"

The groan wasn't supposed to mean anything, but almost instantly his parents stop laughing and go back to doing what they were doing and the tension from minutes before comes back full force. He wants to say something, anything to bring back what they had only moments before, but he isn't sure how to do that. The silence only grows, suffocating him like before, the longer they sit there. This time he just lets it consume him.

Eventually, after five or so minutes of Dan awkwardly eating his apple, someone knocks on the front door, and he takes that as an excuse to get up. After throwing away his partially eaten apple, he wipes his sweaty palms on the front of his jeans and walks over the front door. Like he suspected, he opens the door to find Phil standing there with his hands awkwardly his pockets and a huge grin on his face.

Dan steps out of the way, letting Phil in and closing the door behind him.

"I must say, I wasn't expecting you to text me any time soon. I figured you'd want take hang out with Louise before hanging out with me," Phil says casually. Dan isn't sure what he means by this exactly, so instead of looking for a deeper meaning, he just takes it for what it is, hoping that this isn't Phil's way of calling him out.

"We're kind of fighting right now," he says, and then realizes how that sounds. He wants to add on that he likes hanging out with Phil, but he doesn't want him to get the wrong idea, either. Dan's still not sure that it would be all that great of an idea to befriend Phil, even though they do have a lot in common and get along quite well. Dan's a mess, and Phil isn't, so he doesn't need a friend who will just drag him down.

"Really?" Phil asks. "I just always assumed that you guys never fought."

"We fight all the time. I . . ." He has to stop to think about what to say next. Should he let Phil know about how dysfunctional their friendship is? If he does, will Phil think they're friends? Are they friends? But then again, he's already started the sentence, so surely that means it's too late to back out now. "Usually I apologize, but I'm waiting for her to do it this time."

"Oh, well I wouldn't worry about it too much. The hallmark of any good friendship is fighting occasionally," Phil says, looking around, acting as if he hasn't seen Dan's house before, even though he has.

"Yeah . . . I just," Dan says, but this time he can't bring himself to finish this sentence. First off, he's not exactly sure what he was going to say, but mainly, he's afraid that whatever it was, it was probably too deep to tell someone who isn't even officially your friend. (Do people even make friendships official anymore? Or do you just assume that you're friends and leave it at that? Clearly, Dan's not use to this whole friendship thing.) "What do you want to do? We could watch some movies or play some video games."

"Well, what do you usually do?"

"Usually, me and Louise watch some movies, but I know you aren't a fan of movies . . ."

"I like movies; I just prefer books. We can watch movies if you'd like."

"We don't have to if you don't want to."

"As long as we watch The Perks of Being a Wallflower at least once, I'm in."

"Good," Dan says, sighing. It's almost like a weight has been temporarily lifted off of his shoulders. Starting to walk towards his bedroom and motioning for Phil to follow, he continues: "Me and Louise always start with The Perks and end with The Perks."

"I think I'm in love."

***

Halfway through the movie, Dan realizes something. Even if he is a little messed up, there's nothing wrong with wanting friends. It's not a matter of dragging them into your crap, but rather, it's a matter of them pulling you out of it and helping you out, even if they don't realize they're doing it.

"Phil, I think you're my friend," he says, turning to look at Phil, who is completely engrossed in the movie.

"Of course I am," Phil says. "Now shut up. I'm trying to watch the movie. This is my favorite part."

"You literally said that about a scene ten minutes ago."

"The whole movie is my favorite part. Now shut up." He may be trying to sound all mean, but he's laughing slightly, so the full effect is lost, but it still brings a smile to Dan's face as he turns back to watch the movie.

Louise may have done it all wrong with the way she forced Dan onto Phil, but now that Dan's realized that Phil's his friend--and probably has been for quite some time now; he was just too stupid to realize it and blinded by his own opposition to it--he's also realized that he needed a friend like Phil, someone who would help him without being so forceful about it, like Louise. And Phil is helping him, without even realizing it, because ever since Phil came into his life, he's slowly started to feel the need to be a better person, and while there's no doubt in his mind that he's still an asshole, he does want to try to slowly better himself. That's what counts.

***

"I just realized that I don't even know when your birthday is," Dan says after they finish the movie. The credits are playing and they're sitting on his bed and he doesn't know why this just came to him (it would have made more sense for him to realize it when Charlie was celebrating his birthday in the film).

"That's so random," Phil says, chuckling softly to himself, "and I don't know when your birthday is, either."

"It's June 11th."

"Mine's January 30th."

"Your birthday literally just happened and you didn't tell me."

"I didn't think you'd care."

It hurts, regardless of whether or not it was intended to. Sure, at that time, Dan was still trying to convince himself that they were--in no way--friends, but that also doesn't mean that he wouldn't have cared (well, he probably would have told himself he didn't). And he always just assumed that Phil was going to continue to pursue a friendship with Dan regardless of whether or not he cared.

"I . . . you're probably right. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. We're friends now, and that's in the past."

"I still feel like I should get you a present."

"Hey, if you want to get me a present, I'm not going to stop you."

***

They end up watching a few more movies after The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and after they finish with the same movie they started with, Phil goes home, leaving Dan with his thoughts. If Phil can continue to forgive him for everything he's said and done to him in the short time they've known each other (literally, it's been just over a month that they've known each other and in that time so much has already happened), then surely he can forgive Louise just one more time. After all, her intentions were in the right place; she just had a very poor way of going about them, and Dan can't say that he hasn't been in the same boat before, either, so it'd be hypocritical of him to get so mad at her for something he's done, too.

A better person wouldn't hold grudges. Isn't that what Dan's trying to be--a better person? He doesn't have to forgive her entirely, but he also can't keep blaming her just to make himself feel better even if it is easier than owning up to his own mistakes. Yes, Louise tried forcing him to do a lot of stuff he said he didn't want to do (namely befriend Phil), but he let her and then got mad at her for doing it, even though he had practically encouraged it. He doesn't have to like Louise right now, but he doesn't have the right to act all innocent when he knows he isn't.

Sure, it would be nice if Louise would apologize and own up to her mistakes as well, but Dan shouldn't refuse to do it just because she is. If he does, he's not going to become a better person; he's just going to be the asshole that he's always been. Isn't that what he's trying to avoid?

With that in mind, he knows what he needs to do.

Dan: Hey I'm really sorry for blowing up on you the other day. I shouldn't have acted like it was all your fault when it was both of ours. And I should really thank you for insisting I hang out with Phil because he's a really good friend and I'm glad I have him to talk to. And we're officially friends now so you don't have to keep insisting I hang out with him (in fact me and him watched movies today and i didn't even need you to ask me to). I know you care about me and that shouldn't have made me so mad.

It may not have been the ending he expected when he started the day, but it was what he needed.