Not on Fire (Phan AU)

a flair for the dramatic

Dan's been teetering back and forth between hating Phil and thinking that, if this was another life, he would want to be friends with him. He's not sure it matters, but he feels like his life has been completely flipped upside down and now it's hanging in the balance. Okay, maybe that's a little dramatic, but Dan's always had a flair for the dramatic. And well, he definitely feels like he has every right to be dramatic right now. If it wasn't for Louise, he wouldn't be in this situation. He would have never given Phil a second thought and he definitely wouldn't be thinking about what ifs and other lives that could make a friendship between the two possible.

And Phil's nice in that annoying, I'll-keep-talking-to-fill-the-silence sort of way. Dan's lived in quiet for quite some time. Sure, Louise gives him an earful whenever he does something she doesn't like, but they hang out in complete silence for the simple feeling of knowing you're not alone. But this is a concept that Phil obviously doesn't grasp, which is irritating, but fresh and new at the same time.

Dan has a habit of making friends for his parents' sake. Well, actually, that's not completely true. Louise is the only one that ever worked out, but when he was in the 8th grade and he thought optimism was a sin and pessimism was the only true way to look at the world because everything was monochrome anyway, he had tried, rather unsuccessfully, to make at least one friend to please his parents. Maybe his pessimism is what turned them off, because whenever Dan started a friendship, he already had preconceived ideas that it was going to fail.

He'd like to think that now he's less of a pessimist, but he'd still be lying if he called himself an optimist. He thinks friendships are going to end, yes, but that's because he knows he won't put the effort into it and not because of them. Either way, the point is that Dan doesn't make friends, so why he's even allowing the mere idea to linger in his brain is beyond him, but he's doing it nonetheless and he really wishes he would stop, because that would make things a million times easier.

It's been a week since the day they discussed bands and the ropes holding Dan back and keeping him from getting close to Phil have only been getting weaker.

Dan remembers a time when actually like an asshole wasn't an act at all, but Louise has definitely sweetened him up in her annoying, yet oddly endearing way. And he's still a b***h—there's no doubt about that—but he's not horrible, so to speak. The worst thing is how he treats his parents, but now, at the very least, he feels guilty about it, which is definitely an improvement, considering how he used to feel about them. Now, most of the time he just acts like an asshole because it's easier than having feelings and letting people in.

And there was a time when Dan didn't have to remind himself that friends aren't his thing. Except that was a darker time in his life and it's probably best that he forgets it. (He's become quite good at blocking out and repressing memories, and he's done exactly that with the specific details of his phase in his life.)

But he digresses once again. The point is, he's been trying his "best" to get to know Phil. He allows Phil to talk his ear off and Dan asks him questions whenever there's a lull in the conversation to keep the attention off of himself. This continues until Dan's 99% sure that there isn't anything else that he could possibly want to know about Phil. He's exaggerating a bit—he doesn't know why Phil moved here, for one, and if he wanted to know anything extra about Phil, he'd probably want to know that. However, despite everything that Dan's learned about Phil that they have in common, he's still struggling with Phil's obnoxious as f**k personality.

Yeah, he's gotten better about that whole asshole thing, but he's not perfect by any means.

And after a week, he's pretty sure Louise expects them to be best friends. He's also pretty sure that Louise doesn't know what best friends should look like considering their unique friendship. But it's probably best that he doesn't mention that to her because he doesn't want her to think that he doesn't appreciate their friendship as it is (and let's be real here, Dan loves the way their friendship works—even if it is odd).

For once, Louise isn't standing in the front of the building waiting for Dan. More likely than not, it's because Dan's been late for the last three days and he can't blame her for not wanting to be late, too, but he had just figured that she waited no matter what. So he walks by himself to his locker and gets his stuff, feeling weird for some reason and a little stressed (but he's always stressed, so this is nothing new).

Briefly, for a second or two, Dan actually thinks that Louise might be sick. After all, it could easily happen, but much like Dan, Louise rarely gets sick. She eats healthy and exercises, which you probably wouldn't guess this if you were to just look at her, and because of this, she hasn't been sick with more than a cough and runny nose in years. The thought is quickly rejected as soon as Dan walks into his first block class.

Louise is sitting in her spot and talking to Phil. She motions with her hand when Dan meets her eye. He definitely wants to sit down and ignore her, giving himself some time to think some things over before confronting them head on, but Phil turns his head at this exact moment and sees him, smiling and waving and it's obvious he expects Dan to come over.

He walks over rather hesitantly and, mixed with his sluggish nature, it feels like an eternity before he gets to them, and even though all eyes aren't on him, he feels like they are (and he definitely doesn't feel like this because he's still hanging onto his reputation with desperation in his grip).

"Hi," he says, his voice anything but enthusiastic. Louise's face gives away everything, the way her eyes have narrowed and her nose has scrunched up slightly—well, it all points to one thing: she's less than pleased with his greeting and, more likely than not, she's come to the conclusion that Dan is still not looking at Phil with a completely open mind.

"Hi," Phil responds, but his voice is upbeat and light in a way that Dan's isn't.

Luckily enough for Dan, the bell rings, effectively putting a stop to their conversation, and Dan walks to his seat with his head held high.

Dan actually focuses on the lesson today. It's a great distraction from what's on his mind and even though it doesn't seem like it at times, he does want to get into a good college away from here. So he pays attention extra closely, writing down all of the important things that Mrs. Kintigh says. They're about to start reading a new book—he can't remember all of the choices but he knows that Their Eyes Were Watching God and All The Pretty Horses are among them—but before that, they're going over some last minute stuff. So he pays attention and he loses himself in the work.

At the end of the class, they have to pick their book and Dan picks All The Pretty Horses because even though the formatting of the dialogue is annoying, it supposedly an easier read than Their Eyes Were Watching God, which is the only other book that he actually remembers what it's about, and the only reason he even remembers the synopsis of Their Eyes Were Watching God is because they talked about it in his sophomore English class when they did their Bag of Miscellany project of Zora Neale Hurston.

Once they've been handed their books and the bell is only two minutes away from ringing, Dan's worry returns quickly, hitting him like a train, and he knows for a fact that Louise is going to have something to say to him once the bell rings.

He spends the last minute putting his notebook and his folder into his backpack and he desperately clings onto the last few seconds of freedom before he's inevitably confronted by Louise and she knows him inside and out. There's no doubt that she'll be able to figure out that he hasn't been completely honest to his promise.

Louise stops him outside the classroom door once Phil's gone by.

"Have you even given Phil a chance yet?" she asks. Annoyance is present in her tone, but it's watered down, as if she's holding back judgment until she's heard Dan's answer. She has a look on her face that demands an answer. Dan can't describe it—it's something you have to see for yourself—but her facial expression doesn't waver at all.

"Yes," Dan says as if he's shocked that she would even ask. "I've spent a week listening to him ramble on and on, and I can say, with full certainty, that I don't want to be friends with him." His voice wavers on the phrase full certainty, and he hopes that Louise doesn't catch it.

"Are you sure? Because you don't sound like you are," Louise says smugly and fully annoyed. She's smirking at him, but there's more to it than that: she's rolling her eyes and putting her hand on her hip.

"Yes," Dan says, stronger than his first statement but still without full conviction.

"Dan," Louise scolds, "it doesn't count as 'giving him a chance' when you've predetermined that it isn't going to work and that you won't like him. You promised me you would give him a chance."

Her signature look returns and Dan's putty in her hands like always. Before he knows it, he's admitting that he didn't allow himself to like Phil and his confession comes with a promise that he'll actually try this time around.

The two-minute bell cuts off their conversation right before Dan can promise more things that he won't actually want to live up to.

His next class goes by like his first: he pays attention, takes notes, and tries his best to absorb the information. But it's all a bore and halfway through the class, they've run out of things to do, so they're left to study on their own, but Dan doesn't study, so all of his thoughts about Louise and Phil rush back.

He remembers at the start of this school year, he had only hung out with Louise to make his parents happy, and until recently, he had been trying to convince himself that he still did, but the truth of that matter is that Louise genuinely makes him a better person. However, much like his wavering thoughts about Phil, he's torn between loving Louise's motherly nature and hating it. When most people make friends, he's sure this isn't what they're looking for, but he likes it. Yes, he can remember vividly the first day of school after winter break and he can remember thinking that it was all for his parents, but he can't remember when it had switched from that to him just honestly wanting to hang out with her.

He's not sure why he's thinking about this now. It's irrelevant as far as he's concerned, but maybe he's trying to piece together how he let it progress this far. Either way, he lets it consume him for a good ten minutes before he decides it's pointless to worry about the past when there is a future that holds far more secrets.

***

Dan goes through the lunch line today. It's an impulsive decision, but he knows he's on Louise's "bad side" today, so he doesn't want to give her yet another reason to be angry at him. The mashed potato bowl is the only edible thing on the menu today, so that's what he gets, with a side of grapes because he has to have a fruit.

Louise is already at the table when he gets there, but she's not sitting down. Instead, she's hovering by the table, with her tray in hand.

"I'm going to sit with Zoe today," Louise says when he approaches the table, and then whispers under her breath, "This way, you can talk to Phil without me getting in the way."

He groans, but she's gone before he can even speak.

He sits down in his normal spot and waits in silence for Phil to sit down. Granted, he only waits two minutes tops, but waiting at the table by himself always makes him feel awkward, despite doing it quite frequently. It's just one of those feelings you can't get used to.

"Hi," he says when Phil sits down.

"Hi," Phil replies, upbeat and perky and sounding like everything Dan hates, which is funny, considering he definitely doesn't hate him (even if he wants to).

"So . . ." Dan says, trying to think of a good conversation starter. He could ask the usual how is your day going but he hates that question because it's answer, while it should be rather simple, is actually a lot more complicated than actually saying okay or fine or great. And he knows so much about Phil that he's not sure what other questions he should be asking, but then he remembers his previous thoughts and he knows exactly what to ask. "So, you've told me where you moved from, but you never said why."

"My dad's a police officer and he was offered a promotion here, so we decided to move. In fact, he's actually working on the fires that keep occurring here."

Dan shivers involuntarily, and his stomach is in knots immediately after hearing the words police officer and fire. His world might as well be crashing down around him. Earlier, there had been a war waging inside of him, but at least for now, he's sure that he can't be friends with Phil because he can't face a police officer, let alone the very one who is working on a case that Dan is very much involved with.

"Really? Maybe they'll finally find whoever is doing it then," Dan says, trying to hide his worry. He thinks is voice cracks on the word really, but he hopes that Phil didn't notice or that he's just imaging it.

"Yeah, my dad's pretty good at his job, so hopefully."

Dan shovels mashed potatoes into his mouth trying to ignore the rising anxiety within him that's slowly clawing its way up Dan's body and taking over him. Dan's never had that bad of anxiety on a day to day basis, but it's not the first time he's felt an anxiety attack coming on. If Louise was here, she would be able to read him like an open book, but she's not here and he doesn't think he could be luckier.

"Yeah . . . so, how do you like it here so far?"

"It's definitely different, but I like it. Like, it's not a small city or town, so it's fairly big, but it still comes off with those small town vibes and it's very homely."

"That's because it's surrounded by corn."

"Yeah," Phil says, laughing. "I didn't think of it like that, but now that I do, the corn really does make it feel more like a small town than a city, especially considering I come from a small town with a lot of corn."

"Corn's all over this state; you just can't escape it."

"True, but that's what makes this place unique."

"There's nothing unique about corn and we aren't the only state in the Corn Belt, mind you."

"I guess, but then again, only a select few states are a part of the Corn Belt after all."

Dan's not sure what he's talking about. He's pretty sure that he's subtly expressing his desire to leave this stupid state, but either way, he's having a conversation—a normal conversation, if you will—with Phil and for once, he doesn't want to hit him for at least one reason. However, this topic is quickly growing boring. He's passionate about the topic; there's no denying that, but if the conversation progresses any more, Dan's going to start ranting.

So he switches the topic randomly. "Do you miss any of your old friends?"

"Not really. Like I said, I come from a small town and it was more of an 'I'm going to be friends with you because I don't have much of a choice' rather than 'I'm going to be friends with you because I actually like you.'"

"So you weren't close with any of them?" Dan only has one life and that's a sad life even to him.

"Yeah. Don't get me wrong, they were all nice and I liked hanging out with them, but if I had met them here, I'm not sure if we would have gotten along. I like to give everybody a chance, but they were a little too wild for my taste, if that makes sense. They were all about drinking and partying, but that's not me. Plus, I was going to leave them for college one day."

"Where do you want to go to college?"

"I'm thinking Penn State because I have some family up there and it's far enough away from here that I won't feel suffocated by this state forever. But I'm not sure if I'm ready to move so far away yet."

"Really?" Dan asks, truly interested. Why had he been so nervous to start this conversation? He doesn't exactly remember, and this conversation definitely isn't a sign that a friendship is going to develop, but it's a step towards Phil no longer annoying Dan, which is good enough for now. "I wanted to go there, too! It's always been my dream to get out of here, and admittedly, I decided on Penn State after watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower." But it just wasn't the right choice.

"Same! I had thought about going there before reading it, but after reading it, I knew it's where I wanted to go. The book is my favorite, and even though the movie doesn't perfectly match the book, it's one of my favorite movie adaptions of a book."

"I think the movie is so good because Stephen Chbosky had a lot to do with the creating of it."

"I'm really glad he did, considering I'm almost always disappointed with how the movies turn out for my favorite books, but I was far from disappointed when I watched the movie."

"I'm not a big fan of reading, so I can't really say anything, but I've heard the movie adaption is still really good when compared to the book."

"I think the books are better, but that's just because I can immerse myself a lot more and I'm horrible at paying attention when it comes to movies."

"I'm the complete opposite. I can't immerse myself in books because I'm horrible at paying attention to them, but whenever I watch a movie, I'm totally focused."

Dan's known that Phil's not horrible for at least a week, and for roughly the same time, he's known that they do share some things in common, but until today, he's never realized just how much, and if there was any lasting doubt before, it's all cleared up now: Dan doesn't hate Phil. This may seem like something that shouldn't be big, but it is. Dan, while he fully contends to his previous statement that he is not an asshole, hates everybody, besides Louise and his family and apparently Phil. His constant talking is still far from desirable, but there's no denying that Dan can see himself liking Phil, if he allowed himself to do so. However, Phil's dad is a police officer and Dan can't put himself in a situation like that, no matter how much he gets along with Phil.

***

Louise is at his house after school like always. He'd probably be more surprised if she wasn't at this point. She's lying on his bed, and he's sitting at his desk, twisting around in his chair.

It's silent for a few moments, and Dan's too lost in thought to notice. He's contemplating how he got to this, much like he's been doing all day. He'd almost say that life was actually easier when he was an asshole; at least, back then it was easy for him to separate himself from his feelings or lack thereof. He should know, however, that with Louise, the silence won't last long.

"So . . . did you actually give Phil a chance at lunch or did you just make it look like you were non-stop talking?"

"Were you staring at us during lunch?"

"I just wanted to make sure that you weren't forcing him to sit in an awkward silence."

"Well, it doesn't matter. We spent the whole lunch period talking and I know a lot about him, which I think constitutes as giving him a fair chance."

"What's his favorite color?"

"Blue. He moved here from Preston because his father got a job here, and he doesn't really miss his friends from his old school because it was so small and they weren't that good of friends anyway. He wants to go to Penn State because he has family near there and because of The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Is that good enough for you?"

"Well, do you like him or not?"

Dan hesitates, something that Louise clearly does not miss. Her face lights up instantly and there's no question over how she's interpreted Dan's delay: she's taken it as a yes, which she wouldn't be entirely wrong in doing so. Dan wouldn't say that he necessarily likes Phil, but he definitely doesn't hate him and he can absolutely see himself liking Phil if he only gives him a chance. Of course, Dan's always been rather bad at giving people chances.

"He's not as bad as I thought," Dan says. It doesn't exactly convey what he's feeling, but this is one of those times that Dan feels comfortable keeping it to himself. "And I guess spending lunch with only him wasn't horrible."

"I told you that you would like him!" Louise shouts quietly and victoriously.

"I never said that," Dan says, groaning. "I just said that he wasn't horrible and I guess I implied that I don't hate him, but that doesn't mean I like him."

He turns around his chair so he's not looking at Louise, whose cockiness is less than endearing right now. He can imagine the smug smile on her face and he can hear her clapping, too. However, he tries to block that out by looking at the paper on his desk, which has a lone doodle on it, the product of one of his many failed studying attempts.

"You may be lying to yourself, but I can see right through you and I can clearly tell that you see him as a friend."

"I don't!" Dan whines pathetically.

"I can see it now: soon, you're going to be best friends and you're going to be begging me to let him join in on our movie marathons."

"Phil doesn't really like movies."

"That's beside the point, which is, by the way, that you and Phil are going to make great friends."

If Dan was somebody else, he'd probably find this annoying, but he's not somebody else, which is exactly why he needs to stop thinking in terms of what if. Sure, if he was somebody else, he would probably have no problem befriending Phil, but life isn't as simple as that and he can't flip a switch and decide that he's going to change. Would life be easier if he was somebody else? More likely than not, it would be, but there's no use dwelling on the what if or the past when there's a future ahead, and Dan's more focused on the future than anything else.