Not on Fire (Phan AU)

trying

Phil's not at school today. He's probably sick or something, but it still comes as a shock when he walks into first block, expecting to find Phil in his seat, prepared and ready for the day ahead, only to see an empty seat in his place. How he survives English is beyond him. Honestly. He did perfectly fine before he knew Phil, but once you have a friend in a class, it's kind of hard to switch back to not having one. Louise is in there, of course, but it's not the same. They're still walking on thin ice--just slightly thicker than before--as they readjust to each other and try not to overstep boundaries.

Maybe they'll never truly go back to the way they were before, but they're trying. Not necessarily as much as they could, but it's a step in the right direction. Anything is better than what they were like before. And he doesn't even know what's worth fighting for anymore or if Louise can really change in the end. There's no way he's putting all his efforts into it only to have Louise back out at the last second, claiming she can't change or whatever. This has to be important to her--he has to be important to her. That's the only way a friendship will work.

He's fully prepared to awkwardly spend the lunch with Louise, as they try to fill in the silence with short words and phrases that do little to help. Last time he checked (not that he's been paying a lot of attention, honestly) PJ and Chris were still working on the short film, which he still doesn't know what it's about, but it's not that big of a deal. He makes them all the time, apparently, from short little one minute ones to twenty minutes or so, but he doesn't show them anywhere--not yet anyway. From what Dan's gathered through their limited interactions, he's practicing for a short film festival that's coming up during the summer, which is why he's making so many. Not that PJ and Chris would really help the situation. He barely knows them after all, apart from a few random facts here and there. Except they're his best bet at breaking the tension and just talking, even if Dan and Louise aren't.

He's not even sure anymore.

When he sits down at the table, he's pleasantly--or as close to that as he can be--when he sees that PJ and Chris are, in fact, joining them for lunch. They're already talking amongst themselves, something about the film, that much he gathers. Louise is completely out of her element, being unable to join in considering she knows nothing about it. She stares right at Dan when he sits down, no smile on her face. The constant noise helps him feel a little bit more at ease, but even as he goes to take a bite of his sandwich, he can't help but feel like she's still staring at him. When he looks up, his suspicions are confirmed.

"Hi," he says, realizing that he had forgotten to when he first arrived. Probably because he was too distracted by the scene in front of him to realize that it wasn't just something he was watching on television, that he was actually apart of it.

This break PJ and Chris out of whatever trance they were in that made it seem like Dan and Louise weren't there.

"Oh, hi! I didn't even notice you were there," PJ says, as if it wasn't obvious when they both jumped at the sound of his voice.

"That's because he was too busy admiring how beautiful I am," Chris chimes in. Which is nothing surprising considering within a few minutes of first meeting him, Dan could already tell he was that kind of a person--the one who cracks jokes in any form, ranging from mild to full on s****l.

"I'm sorry about him. Honestly don't know how I've been able to last so long, putting up with him and all."

"I had to put up with Dan when he went through his emo phase. Trust me. You have it easy," Louise says, finally lending her voice to the conversation. She sends one look at Dan, as if to reassure him that she's just messing around, before looking at the other two.

"I thought we agreed to never talk about that again!"

"Well, I wasn't going to bring up that one time you wore black eyeliner all around your eyes thicker than both of my thighs, but if you insist."

He huffs and crosses his arms, pretending to be annoyed, looking anywhere and everywhere but her. He's been sitting in his same exact cafeteria since freshmen year, but it's crazy how much he's failed to notice in all that time, having been too wrapped up in his own little world, thinking he was better than everyone and everything around him. He let the world go by in a blur.

The ceiling is covered in stains, some light and barely noticeable, others dark and very obnoxious. There's a pencil overhead, and a few tiles to the left of that, there's one missing, where you can see the blackness of the inside. It's nothing interesting, but these are things he's never noticed. Maybe they weren't all there before, but that's no excuse for him taking forever to take a proper look.

It reminds him that sometimes it's okay to take the backseat and just enjoy the view.

"It was one f*****g time!"

"You didn't!" PJ exclaims, holding back a laugh.

"He did!" Louise responds, sounding equally as exciting.

Dan knows she doesn't mean to. At least he's pretty damn sure that's the case, but she's found a way to exclude him from the conversation. It's kind of hard to participate when they're all talking about him as if he's not right there. Like it's gossip--the kind where they laugh about him behind his back but smile to his face as if nothing ever happened.

"He also used to wear band bracelets up to his elbows and the tightest black skinny jeans you've ever seen. Not to mention like 90 percent of his shirts were band tees."

"Please tell me he didn't try to dye his hair black," Chris says.

Everybody is laughing but Dan.

"Oh, he did! His mom about killed him because he didn't ask permission. Luckily he did a really s**t job and it lasted for the weekend only. Used to hang out with all the emo kids and everything. It was a really dark time in his life."

"What about that time you went through a preppy phase and thought you were so cool and would dress like a stereotypical popular kid in the movies," Dan reminds her, finally able to turn the conversation away from him. "I literally refused to hang out with you for a week."

"Oh my god!"

"That's too good!"

He's barely paying attention to who is talking. Most of it is drowned out by the hysterical laughing that he can't bring himself to participate in. He can laugh a little, but it's forced. This conversation--while better than what he had prepared for--is still uncomfortable, just in a different way. Then again, this is probably, in part, caused by the fact that he isn't friends with them, hardly is friends with Louise right now, and has never been particularly comfortable with most people. That's why he's always avoided them.

But ever since Phil's come into his life, things have changed. He's changed, and no one's ever been able to do that to him before. Louise has tried plenty hard, but she treated a mountain as a rock. Only natural forces could move him. Phil didn't have to do anything; he just came in with that smile and turned his whole life upside down without even knowing. For this reason, things are different when Phil's by his side. Now that he's realized, he's not even sure why, but he is sure that asking questions isn't going to help him now.

"Honestly I feel like I've truly missed out." PJ wipes under his eyes where the few tears caused by laughing too hard are. "I would have loved to see that."

"Hasn't your mom told you that you should focus more on being a teenager and making friends than making short movies that nobody sees anyway?" Chris asks. He shakes his head in mock disapproval, like he actually cares. "Tsk, tsk, tsk."

"Don't act like you don't love being in my movies. You're the one who wants to be an actor."

"Your career depends on me."

"If he ever wants to replace you, there's always me," Dan says, winking. He's never been one to wink, but he can't help it. It just happens and he just hopes that it doesn't come off as awkward, which is exactly how he feels.

"Please. You can't act to save your life. Remember that one time I wanted to audition for the school play and I had you help me out and you just read the lines in the most monotone voice ever." Louise shakes her head. "I couldn't even focus on actually practicing you were so bad."

The only good thing about suddenly reminiscing on the past, apart from remembering things he had long since forgotten, is that it reminds him of how they used to be. Louise wasn't always so demanding, probably because Dan wasn't always so difficult. They used to be carefree like everyone else their age, and then growing up happened and Dan started feeling like he was the best and Louise started feeling like Dan was her responsibility, not her friend.

"Which reminds me. I can't hang out with you tonight because we're going to a housewarming party, and I'm being forced to go."

They had planned to go over to Dan's house--they never hang out at Louise's for various reasons--as a part of trying to rekindle their old flame. Which makes it sound like they used to date, but that's not the point. They love each other (in a totally platonic sense) and they just want those feelings to surface some more.

"That's okay. We can always do it tomorrow night or whenever we're both free," he says (like he's usually busy when he's literally always free, except for when he's got a lighter in hand and a destination in mind). He's not exactly sure that he's really feeling up to hanging out with someone tonight. While setting a full on fire might be a little risky right now, he still has the bear in his closet among many other things that he can burn to help soothe him.

"Hey, if you want, you can come over to my house after school. Chris and I were planning on hanging out anyway, and you're more than welcome to tag along," PJ offers, looking at Dan expectantly. "But you don't have to if you don't want to, of course."

It's not that he doesn't want to go. Well, that's not the full reason he's so hesitant anyway. It's just that he's never been good with social interaction and the last time he went over, it all became too much too quickly. He hasn't been able to release all the pent up tension for so long that he's almost worried he'll blow if he does. Smoking and burning small things can only get him so far before he needs the real thing--a fire so large that it consumes everything in its path and leaves ashes in its wake.

Before he can even finish thinking things through, he feels a vibration in his paths, alerting him that he's got a text message. He pulls it out and looks at it, torn between between surprised and not being surprised who it's from.

Louise: I swear to god if you don't say yes.

Louise: This would be a really great chance for you to make some more friends. You know it would make your parents happy.

He rolls his eyes. She's trying, but it's still going to take some time.

Dan: Remember how you promised you wouldn't force me to do things anymore? Because, oddly enough, that feels a lot like forcing to me.

It feels awkward texting her when 1) she's right across from him and 2) PJ is still waiting for him to respond.

But Louise does have a point. It would make his parents happy, and befriending Phil turned out to be a really great idea. It's not like trying would hurt him--permanently or physically that is. Mentally is a different story, but even then, it would only be temporary.

Louise: I'm so sorry! I'm trying but it's still new to me.

Louise: But all I'm going to say is, it doesn't hurt to consider it.

With that in mind, he puts away his phone and turns to PJ. "Sure. That sounds great."

"Awesome. We can meet up at my locker after school and I can drive."

"Perfect."

***

So maybe agreeing to hang out with them wasn't the best idea. He's only ever hung out with them when Phil was around, too, but obviously, he won't be there if he's home sick. The reality of the situation only struck him once he messaged his mom telling her that he doesn't need a ride home from school and that he'll be home late. Because of course she asked if he was going to be hanging out with Phil. Not that hanging out then was easy for him, but he's sure that today will be worse.

PJ and Chris are great guys from what he's seen, but that doesn't mean he'll be able to handle them. Living in his head has always been easier for him, which is why he chose it over actual social interaction so many times. He doesn't know how to handle himself around people who aren't his parents, Louise, and now Phil.

But it almost feels too late to back out now. The logical part of his brain knows better than that, knows that he can say he doesn't feel good and just go home, but it feels like now that he's agreed, he's required to follow through no matter what.

Plus maybe he's realizing that friends can be a good thing after all.

***

After school, they all meet up at PJ's locker, which is conveniently right next to the closest exit to where he parks his car, a slightly beat up chevy malibu. The ride is quiet for the most part. Chris is sitting in the front, Dan in the middle of the backseat--he feels weird sitting on a side when it's only him, like he's actually picking a side, so he always tries to sit in the middle. He read a book one time--yes, he actually does read on occasion--where one of the characters did that, and he hasn't gotten it out of his mind ever since.

PJ's house is close to the school, so it doesn't take that long before they're pulling into the driveway and getting out of the car. His house isn't anything too big or anything, just a two storey brick house. Dan tries to pay more attention to it than he normally would. There's a nicely tended to garden in front of the house, on both sides, separated by a sidewalk leading up to the house. The wooden door is slightly ajar, with the screen door fully closed to keep out any bugs.

The inside is nicely decorated, with a white leather couch and a metal coffee table with glass on top. There's also a reclining chair, this one dark brown in color and leather, off to the side, and a table directly in front of them. Instead of a bookshelf, there's a self dedicated to films and filming equipment--presumably belonging to PJ. It's nice, and he's never realized how much volume a living room can actually speak.

He and Chris sit down on the couch while PJ turns on the gaming system and puts in the game--which just happens to be Dan's favorite video game. He gives both of them a controller and then it's game on.

There's a reason this game is his favorite. He's easily the best out of all three of them, and it shows. All though it might not seem like it, Dan does play video games in his free time--when he's not hanging out with Louise or Phil, trying to rebuild his relationship with his parents, or burning things and setting fires. Over the years, he's become really good at them, too, and if he's good at them and they're fun, then he's all for it.

They play a few rounds on different levels, but after a while, they all get tired of it (and PJ and Chris probably feel a little inferior). Not that Dan's bragging or anything.

Video games Dan can handle. It's the rest that he's worried about. When they were playing, all he had to do was focus on the game--not on trying to keep a conversation going or anything like that. There's nothing to get nervous about. He's confident with his skills and that he won't make them annoyed by not understanding the controls or the game in general. But social interaction . . . well, let's just say that while he was busy fine-tuning his gaming skills, he let his social interaction ones completely disintegrate (much like his hopes of ever truly being happy here).

"Honestly, I forgot how good you were at video games," PJ says, huffing.

"No wonder you don't have many friends. You ruined what little confidence they did have." Chris talks in almost a comical voice, one that makes it obvious he's just acting and joking around if you've heard how he normally sounds.

"I have no friends because I literally spend all of my time playing video games." This is, of course, a little white lie, but it's better that they think he's obsessed with video games than know that he's an arsonist in his free time. One may make him sound like a loser (which, let's be honest, he is) and the other makes him sound like he should be locked up in an insane asylum.

"You have friends. You have Louise and Phil and us," PJ says. Obviously it wasn't Chris because that's a little bit too serious for him when it's still light out (or maybe he's never serious, but Dan finds that at night is when people become their most delirious and most thoughtful at the same time).

"Yeah but I'm never going to be the person that has a lot of friends, so many that they're constantly busy hanging out with them." He shrugs. "Not that I care, but in comparison to those people, I might as well have no friends. I'm like a hermit."

"Whenever I hear the word hermit, I think of that one Doctor Who line," PJ responds, completely disregarding the majority of what Dan said at first. "But I understand. Sometimes I feel that way. Before Phil and you, it was really only Chris and me and sometimes people who I would get to act in my films from drama club. That's it."

"I told you I could play all the parts, but you insisted that we needed more." Chris frowns as if to appear like he's actually bothered by this.

"We tried that once. Remember?"

"Why do you make all of these films if you never let people see them anyway?" Dan asks. He saw the collection on the shelf. They all looked to be homemade at first glance.

"I just like making them. I show my parents them sometimes, but I've never really had anyone to share them with. Most of them are stupid and aren't that good. You have to start somewhere, right? The point of making them isn't for other people; it's just about doing something that I love and one day, I'd like to make short films professionally." He says all of these words with so much conviction that it's kind of hard not to get sucked into them. "But if you want, I can show you some of them."

He's doing it. Talking to someone who he still isn't totally comfortable with without thinking about what he's doing. Naturally, as soon as he thinks that, he realizes what he's doing. His heart starts to race, and the world starts to close in on him. This is all too normal and not his normal, but someone else's. It feels like he's wearing someone else's shirt that's a little too tight on him and is super itchy and uncomfortable.

Despite what PJ said earlier, he's not quite sure that they are friends yet. They've hung out a couple of times, but Dan's always kept more to himself (and closer to Phil). He never really saw a friendship forming between them. At least not until today that is. They're not bad people. Chris can be a little much for some people. It feels like the stereotypical it's not you, it's me speech, but that's how Dan feels. The problem isn't with their personalities or who they are in general, it's with Dan, his personality and who he is over all.

"Maybe we should wait to watch them with Phil. I'm sure he'd love to see them," Dan says. It's an easy way for him to postpone what could be the inevitable. He's worried what might come out of watching the movies, if it's supposed to make them form a closer bond or something that he's not ready for yet.

"You're probably right."

They talk a little bit more, about nothing in particular, when suddenly the topic turns to something a little more serious, which is a hard thing to do with Chris is around. Some people hide behind a fake smile, but do little more to pretend; others put on a whole show out of it, refusing to be genuine and sincere for a second in case everything will come out. Then again, maybe Chris is just a class clown because he's going to be a comedian later on. Who knows. But he's digresses.

"Can you believe graduation is only a few months away?" PJ asks, staring at seemingly nothing in particular. He looks like he's lost in thought. Those words alone are enough to start the wheels turning in Dan's mind.

The simple answer is that he cannot. It feels like just yesterday that he was getting ready for his first day of freshmen year. Everything has gone by in the blink of an eye; he was so busy trying to get to the finish line that he forgot it's okay to slow down every once and awhile just to look around. But at the same time, all the memories are there. He remembers skinnies in ninth grade and feeling a little overwhelmed to switch over to blocks in tenth. He remembers all those night spent working on homework and studying to get good grades, and he's about to move past this chapter in his life that has taken four years to complete. It's crazy and he can hardly fathom it.

And he tries his best to articulate this to them without being too confusing.

"I just can't believe I only have a few more months to organize the best senior prank ever," Chris says. "I'd ask you guys for ideas, but no offense, I don't think you could help out very much."

"Honestly though, you're probably right," PJ admits. "I'm creative, but not in that way."

"Yeah, I have nothing."

***

Dan leaves shortly after that. He's a little jittery and noticeably so with the way his whole body shakes. He may have been able to ignore how awkward and unnerving the whole thing was some of the time, but now that he's on his own, it comes at him with full force. How he had managed to survive the whole thing without making a fool out of himself is a miracle. Honestly.

He's feeling like he normally does when he reaches his breaking point, which is usually when he has to set something on fire to truly relax, but it's light out and even if it wasn't, Phil's dad is a cop. He's not exactly sure what makes this more risky than before considering he knew then that people were after the arsonist. Except it's never felt so real before, and who knows what he might let slip if he does set one and Phil asks what he was doing that night. He could piece together the puzzle that no one else has been able to solve all by asking Dan a few simple questions. Dan's always been calm when Louise asks him, but that's different because he doesn't have a reason to be nervous with her. She doesn't have a parent in law enforcement.

The second best thing is smoking a cigarette, and he's actually about to do it when he remembers Louise. She had promised to try and better herself, and while Dan's already been working towards that, he knows he'll never truly be the best version of himself if he smokes. Then again, how can he truly be good when he's the arsonist the city is so concerned about? That feels different, however, because he's not ruining anything important--like his lungs. He burns down things that are two seconds away from collapsing on their own. Plus Louise doesn't know about that, but she does know about his smoking. She'd probably feel a little better if he tried to stop like she's trying to be less demanding. It's the least he can do.

He had awkwardly paused outside someone's house, but with that in mind, he starts walking again, trying to not think so much to make the whole thing more bearable. It's hard to shut down his mind when he's used to thinking all the time, always running through situations in his head, but if he continues to let it run wild, he's not going to be sane by the time he gets home.

Eventually, he passes by the swing. It's tempting to go by it. Staring at it, in the past, has helped him relax. He's always enjoyed admiring his handiwork anyway, but right now, it's just a reminder of what he can't do. He's still wearing someone else's shirt, but right about now, it's looking like he's never going to get to take it off.