My 1000-years love

Chapter 11

I don’t know what came over me in the next moment. Some eternal feminine folly that ruins many moments, relationships, and destinies. Or perhaps it can be called something else: wisdom and experience. Burned once, the scars remain for a lifetime. And I broke free. I tore myself from his warm, tender embrace. Feeling an instant chill, I forced myself to take another step back.

"I’ve heard beautiful words a few times in my life. It all ends the same. Always. And the funniest part is, you truly believe what you say. In love, in protection, in forever. There’s not even anything to nitpick because you genuinely believe it. Then everything changes for you. Only obligations and guilt remain, keeping you with the woman. And when that evaporates, so do you. Sometimes not even physically, but emotionally for sure.”

I knew I would anger him, but I had decided. Enough with the fear of offending someone. Enough. I’ll say everything straight out and now. Not out of anger or resentment. But because I truly believe what I’m saying. If he’s honest with me. Probably. Then I must be honest too.

The crack in the armor healed again. I was alone once more in the cocoon of false feminine strength and in this unknown cosmos.

Of course, he got angry. I saw how he clenched his teeth. How the muscle in his cheek pulsed. Strange, so little time had passed, yet I had already learned some of his habits. Anticipating the next storm, I took another step back. But he managed to place a hand on my shoulder and stop me.

“Are you afraid of me again? Don’t be. I’m not angry at you.”

“Oh, don’t get mad about my past relationships. It’s not productive.” I switched to a rational mode. Though, he’s the multi-millennial guy here, who should have full control over his emotions.

“You’re judging my feelings based on a couple of Earthly weaklings. And putting me in the same category as them.” He paused, looking into my eyes. “I’m not angry about that. And I’m not angry at you. You’ve been burned. Apparently more than once. It’s understandable that you don’t want to get burned again. And it’s... smart. I wouldn’t want to either.” He said, smiling and raising his eyebrows charmingly. “But you, as an intelligent being, can understand that you can’t judge everyone by the actions of a few.”

“I’m not judging all men, understand.” I finally freed myself and plopped down in a nearby chair. “I’m judging the overall pattern of how relationships play out. That’s how it will be. God, let me be even more honest.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t?” He was smirking again.

“No,” I barked. I had completely lost my fear. “I’ll be honest to the end. I don’t want to lie to you. You’re a powerful cosmic being. You’ve gone through, by your words,” he raised his eyebrows again, “such a long journey for me. So I will respect you and not spare your feelings. I’ll be honest. I don’t believe in your instant love. God, just look at yourself. Ruler of two Galaxies. You’re not just the President of Honduras, not the Emperor of China, not the owner of a backwater planet. You,” I started gesturing at the powerful figure in front of me with my small Earthly hands, “you’re some kind of cosmic titan. And suddenly me? I don’t understand, honestly. Flying across the entire Universe for me. Okay, I can believe that we are somehow connected.” I admitted, feeling a deep connection, the essence of which I still couldn’t define. “But just to love, carry me in your arms, and deal with my problems? Come on, tell me everything. What else does this so-called lleiro do for a raata she suits? Give extra strength? Bear children? Unlock some abilities that you suddenly need? And how did you even feel me across so many megaparsecs? Even light takes billions of years to travel that distance!”

I finally shut up. I needed to figure it all out once and for all. He squatted down in front of me, yet even in this position, his eyes were level with mine.

“A severe case, huh?”

“Don’t start diagnosing me. I’m saying what I feel and think. Why beat around the bush and pretend? How can there be love if you don’t even know me? You just found out I exist somewhere nearby and immediately fell in love? Or saw me and fell in love? That’s nonsense.”

“So, which one of us is the little Earth girl who doesn’t know what love is? Did you say: ‘just love’? Do you think it’s easy? Or some sort of amusement? Do you think love happens when you get to know a person? But what if you only know what they choose to show you? That’s exactly how it happens. Then, when the things you liked about them start changing over time? Disappearing? Proving to be false? When the person’s behavior changes? The behavior you loved when you got to know them. Or the person takes a different path in their interests, tastes, beliefs? The ones you loved them for? What then?”

“Then it all ends. As usual. I’m telling you, love is fleeting as summer. It’s beautiful, it takes you completely, you get carried away, you open your soul. Then some conditions change, and that’s it. Poof! Love is gone. I don’t want that again…”

He placed his index finger on my lips.

“Shhh. Be quiet, finally. You mentioned conditions very correctly. Sweetie, all feelings that disappear under certain conditions are NOT love. Therefore, if you love, no conditions can cancel it. After all, you love your children when they change. They become not as sweet as they were in childhood, perhaps. They start to annoy you more. They can get angry with you. They might like things you completely disapprove of. They can betray you, steal from you, set you up, leave you. But you will still love them always. Just like the first day you saw them. The first moment. Even earlier. You loved them before you even saw them. And that, sweetie, is love.”

I couldn’t help but smile.

“You’re right. That’s only possible with children. It doesn’t happen with adults.”

He leaned toward me.

“Wormholes work not only for the material world. In the higher energetic, mental, egregorial layers, such a coincidence of circumstances is also possible, when two points are suddenly connected by a null-transition. The Creator heard my prayers and allowed our two mental energies to find each other. I loved you as soon as I sensed you in this world. To love — selflessly and unconditionally — is the ultimate meaning of existence. You can be a total b***h, a murderer, a schizophrenic, or just an infantile mess…”

“Well, thank you, raath.” My brain refused to buy into these pretty words, but warmth began to spread in my soul, and resisting it, I tried to interrupt Sgannar and make a joke.

He irritably closed his eyes.

“Does your butt still hurt?”

“It’s already better.”

“If you interrupt, it’ll hurt again.”

“Don’t you dare hit me again! How can a loving man raise his hand against his woman? Against any woman?”

“If a woman drags all sorts of filth into…,” he looked meaningfully at my lower abdomen, “then he can. But I’ll never do it again, believe me. It was solely for educational purposes. You had to immediately grasp the dramatic nature of the situation you found yourself in.”

I could only roll my eyes.

“And next time, to help me understand the dramatic nature of the situation, what will you do? Hit me in the face? Or break my arm? When will I stop teasing the tiger in the cage?”

He gently placed his hand on my neck, tracing it with a predatory gaze. Stroking the hollow with his thumb, he looked back into my eyes. I fully understood how deceptive this gentleness and tenderness was.

“I’ll never hit you again, my dear,” — it seemed like a promise of something better, but his voice sounded ominous. “Just as you will never cheat on me again. My reaction was so mild this time simply because neither you nor Laor knew anything about us yet. And only because of that.”

“I no longer hold a grudge against you,” he whispered hoarsely in my ear. “I’ll consider that episode as part of your life Before me. And I won’t place a physical chastity shield on you, as many spouses in my empire do. When another man touches a woman with s****l intent, he gets small brain vessel ruptures. And the woman receives an energy discharge, passing first through the peripheral, and with prolonged contact, through the central nervous system. The consequences can be very unpredictable. But I won’t do that. This is another gift. My trust. I’ll lay it at your feet. But if you betray it,” he still whispered hoarsely, “I’ll cut your lover into small pieces right before your eyes. I won’t touch you, no. But you’ll regret it deeply. It’s not worth betraying Sgannar’s trust and love.”

When he finished this tirade, my body was completely frozen with fear. Damn, and if I get r***d, and can’t prove it? Will I regret that too? Maybe it’s better to ask him for this, what’s it called, shield-not-shield? But no, I’ll get shocked by some magic current. I’ll get even dumber than before. Although wait, what am I thinking? Have I seriously given in and no longer consider any perspective other than eternal life with this maniac?

He returned to his normal state again.

“I’ve scared you to death again,” he shook his head. “Hag, get used to me. I love, but I’m not a love-struck puppy. I’ll be ruling the empire, making decisions that terrify you. I’ll punish my subjects, wage wars, commit atrocities in the name of politics. You must accept this now and accept me.” He stood up to his full height, turning his palms to me in a gesture of trust.

I couldn’t believe my ears. And all this in just a few days? He kidnaps me, says I have no choice. Either I accept him voluntarily, or I’ll still be with him, but held by force. Confesses some outrageous love, scares me to death with promises of reprisal in case of willful or involuntary infidelity, describes in detail what kind of monster he plans to be, and then just states that I must accept him as he is. Oh yes, and respond to all this with mutual feelings? At most, the feelings I can be sure of are the periodically arising s****l attraction. And that, I’d rather attribute to the consequences of a hormonal surge after the recent upgrade. I stated this directly.

“Attraction, fear, and a sense of resistance are the feelings you evoke in me,” I summarized. “And please, stop describing what I should feel towards you. Otherwise, my head will explode from resistance.”

I jumped up and, unable to stay in the same room with him any longer, headed for the exit. Or so I thought, but immediately bumped my forehead into the glass. At least, that’s what the sound was like. Stars danced in my eyes, having nothing to do with the cosmos.

“Damn. It’s pitch dark here. Let me out before I start suffocating.”

Sgannar rushed to me, placing his hand on my throbbing forehead. The pain instantly receded.

Gradually, the lights turned on. Squinting, I looked around. Judging by the surroundings, we were on the bridge. Numerous control panels, several chairs, easy access to the viewing window I had just bumped into. A fairly large room. If desired, it could accommodate up to fifteen people.

“Has your claustrophobia attack ended now?” He was watching me all the time. On one hand, it was nerve-wracking. I felt like a mosquito under a microscope. On the other… I couldn’t even remember the last time I had truly piqued someone’s interest. My husband had only glanced at me occasionally at the beginning of our relationship, and almost never at the end. He wasn’t interested in how I looked, what I felt, what I was interested in, or what mood I was in. Sgannar, however, could read every emotion on my face, sensed all the nuances of my feelings. A sense of self-importance began to emerge within me, albeit belatedly. But who was I kidding? It would only be like this in the beginning. Then he would conquer me and immerse himself back into ruling his empire, leaving me to embroider by the window in the palace.

“Don’t be mad, Sgan,” I pulled myself together, even though I was ready to cry. “I want to be alone.”

“To cry into your pillow?” he responded impassively. “Would my shoulder do?”

And his face was lit up by a rare boyish smile.

“No.” I forced myself to swallow the lump in my throat, and the approaching hysteria retreated. “You said it’s ten more cycles to fly. I need something to do during these days. I can’t just sit in the cabin. I’ll keep thinking about the same thing, and that’s bad for me.”

“Alright, go.” The door to the corridor opened by itself.

Clever. If he had pressured me further, I would have had another breakdown. In the past couple of days, I had cried more than in the last ten years.

“Listen,” I turned back over my shoulder in the doorway. “How does your unconditional love align with violence against me? When you love someone and they want to leave, shouldn’t you let them go?”

“I’m not some enlightened one, Haagnarath. And I won’t fall for your arguments. Don’t be fooled. It’s not just love. Now I am born a raat, and you belong to me. So you will stay with me.”

“You infuriate me,” I spat angrily.

“I know.” He smiled.

I left.