My bruises, Your Pain

Chapter 14: The unknown

Dear diary,

The day I became a Mrs without perfect memories and happy feelings that goes with it…

I stood there in front of Alec, it was as if I could watch everything happen and still not be present. I saw everyone smile, laugh and even cry but I felt nothing. As quick as it started as quickly it was over and before I knew it I was opening the dance floor as the new Mrs Garcia…I know, Deirdre Garcia does not exactly roll of the tongue but there is things in life you just cannot choose.

I wish I could say that it is the best day of my life and that I will remember it until the day I die but that would be a lie. As a little girl I never dreamed about my wedding day and if I did I am pretty sure it shouldn’t be like this or is this a fairy tale and I am just so consumed in everything else that I can’t feel or see? I must admit I was relieved when the day was done and yes we did have to consummate our wedding, it would have been weird if I just opted out of relations with my new husband. He was passionate and gentle, like he always is and it released the necessary endorphins to allow him to have a great night. He snored most of the night, while I laid next to him and stared at the ceiling. I wish my endorphins can kick in and just let me sleep but no. The night was long and quiet, all the sounds were elevated. The crickets in the roof, the whistling sound coming from the refrigerator and the occasional singing of the wind.

It drove me a little over the edge, I actually tried counting sheep and not even that worked. I watched as the first rays of the sun illuminated the mountains, the most beautiful sight I have seen in a while. Something about the beauty of nature, it brings hope for the new day and a warm feeling that someone else is looking out for you. That morning I closed my eyes and as the tears rolled over my cheeks, I started praying softly…

“Dear God, thank you for a new day. I have so much to be grateful for but I am blinded by the hurt and pain. How many feel this way because of the things they are going through? Too focus to see the good things no matter how small they seem.  I know that you only give the strongest people the heaviest burdens but I am not strong, I no longer want to feel this pain. I am sorry, I am sorry for being weak, for not being able to carry this…” sobbing.

After sobbing for a while I finally had the strength to continue but this time I didn’t say it out loud. “I need the strength to keep going, I know you are always there no matter how dark the situation seems but I need you now more than ever, please…” My thoughts were interrupted when Alec opened his eyes. He woke up with the biggest smile on his face as though he just woke up from the greatest dream ever. He looked over to me and smiled, my stomach turned, it was great to see him this happy I just wish I joined in his happiness. “Good morning my wife,” his smile got even bigger, if that is even possible. “I love how that sounds, wife, my wife,” Alec said making me blush. “You are quiet, too quiet.” He said as he moved a piece of hair out of my face. I tried to say something but the words wouldn’t come out. He focussed on my eyes, looking for an answer trying to understand my weirdness.

“Hey, I know it probably wasn’t what you expected and I am sorry that your wedding was a surprise. I am sorry, I should have waited and allow you to plan it. Thinking about it now, I should have planned it with you.”

His words made me feel even more down, not to mention the look on his face. Am I a terrible person for feeling this way? For letting him suffer? I eventually got myself to the point to say something, “I am just tired and I am probably still in shock,” with a faint smile. It seemed good enough for him since he got up and went to the bathroom. I looked at him, admiring him. I was happy to be his wife, I just wish the circumstances were better.

“Alec, I need to tell you something.”

*********************************Last Page**********************************

*****************************Diary Ending************************************

“How on earth is this the last page?” Aysa said with tears in her eyes. BANG! She through the book against the wall. “All the effort for making sure I got the damn book just to let it end this way? I still don’t know why and how I ended up in an orphanage!” Aysa’s face got warm and started tingling with anger. AJ ran into the room, picking up the book “momma, momma,” as though he knew it was from her mother, children intuition. He placed the book on Aysa’s chest and laid his head on it. At this moment I knew I had to find her, I need to know why she left the book on my doorstep, incomplete. Did she send a second book and I just didn’t find it? Where will I start searching for her?

Aysa immediately searched the internet for ‘Deirdre Garcia’, and as with all searches there were just too many results. She tried checking all the pages but it became almost impossible. “Wait a minute…” she walked towards the box in which the diary came in. “A forwarding address!” she exclaimed.