My bruises, Your Pain

Chapter 9: Unconditional

Dear diary,

Today I found it difficult to write, I know I still have a lot to explain but the past was weighing heavily on my shoulders…

Another night in that bathroom stall gave me some perspective, the grass is not always greener on the other side. I desired too much and I was left with so little but if I had to make the choice again I would choose to have it this way. He was asleep, he was so peaceful and so beautiful and there was nothing rushing us, I could stare at him all night if I could. I think he was dreaming because every now and then he would smile and these little dimples would form on his cheeks. I never even realise that he had dimples. I don’t know him at all, I was led by my heart and I hope that it is a good choice. I looked at him for a while before also dozing off. It couldn’t have been longer than an hour or so before I woke up in a sweat and my heart was pounding, almost breaking through my chest.

I looked at him and blushed, I can’t believe the thoughts that I was having about him, about something I have never even experienced before. I shook my head in disbelief, I gently caressed his face with the back of my hand with the images of my dream vividly replaying in my head. He kissed me, from one shoulder to the other before smashing his lips onto mine. He was gentle, making sure to ask before every move, in my agreement, he touched my breasts and then he placed his lips around my n*****s and the warmth of his breath gave me goose bumps all over my body. I pressed my nails into his back as a reflex and he cringed at the unexpected pain. He stopped and looked me in my eyes…

“Am I hurting you?” he asked, his voice soft and gentle.

“No,” I stuttered as I gasped for air.

After a moment of silence “Can we continue,” I asked nervously. He smiled and nodded. It didn’t start of as spontaneous as before, but it warmed up the moment he pulled up my dress and rubbed his hand in the front of my underwear. Oh my goodness it felt good. Oh my Aysa how embarrassed am I to share with you these private details but you have to understand the love between your father and I. I will skip the details…As he was about to penetrate me, he touched my arm.

“Are you okay?” he asked as he looked at my shocked face.

“Yes…why?” I asked as I realised it was all just a dream.

“You should get some rest,” he said as he took me into his arm and I lay on his chest. I couldn’t help but wish that it wasn’t all just a dream but unfortunately it wasn’t time for us to become that intimate just yet. We dozed off and yet another night was spent in our little hideout.

The next morning felt warmer than the previous, but to start the day with no meal is definitely not a better start. We sat quietly, I know I was gathering my thoughts what he was doing with the quiet time was uncertain but we both needed to prepare for the day, mentally. I prayed that everything would work out for the better, I envisioned a future where things were a little sunnier and I imagined my tummy being full. I looked over to see his facial expression…it was blank, no emotion and he was clearly miles away. I really wished I could see inside his head and connect with him.

“I have a feeling that today will be better.” He said breaking the silence and it couldn’t come at a better time.

“I think so too,” I mumbled.

“If you say it with that attitude, it will never be true.” He said as he placed his hands on my face.

He kissed me, my tensed shoulders relaxed and I immediately felt at ease, I kissed him back. Things got intense, I stopped kissing him and looked him deep in the eye. The teenage hormones overtook my body and I got up from the floor and sat on his lap. He looked at me, his eyes telling a story I have never seen before, a desire that I have never witnessed or experienced. We started kissing again and he took of some of the clothing I had on, my heart raced not knowing what to expect next. That morning, I lost my virginity. As painful as it was it was also the closest I have ever felt to a human being. My love grew so much and I also believed everything was getting better. We laid on the bathroom floor for a while until we heard noises from outside and we know it was time to get up and get out.

We got up, cleaned up and gathered our things. “Today will be a great day!” he said in an even happier tone. I could see that making love was just the right motivation he needed to fight even harder. We started our search from the opposite side as the day before, we got tired quicker because we had nothing to eat but just as we were about to give up an older lady asked him to carry her groceries to the car where she then paid him with a bread. I gave never been so grateful for food before and that when I realised how privilege I have always been. We ate and regained our strength and continued the search. It was almost midday when a farmer stopped by us and asked what we were doing wandering the streets, we told him we were looking for work and he said he was looking for a couple of people to work for him, we didn’t hesitate we just agreed. We threw our bags onto the back of this truck and got on as well.

Over the truck’s noise he screamed “I told you today was a good day,” he said smiling. We were relaxed and for a while we didn’t have to worry about not having food or place to sleep because the job was a stay in.

Aysa, things were finally looking up, the first time I would be able to sleep peacefully…but was I getting happy to soon? Relaxing to soon?