Chapter 4: All Good things come to an end
1166 Words
Dear diary,
Have you ever felt so conflicted? You have all the reason to be sad but there is a little happiness inside you that wants to escape and just live before you run out of time! I experience some weird feelings after our chat last night, I woke up in a sweat, completely wet, sweat dripping from all over my body. My heart was beating so fast with images of him flashing through my mind, naked in front of me. I know, I know beneath all the hurt and damage there was a young, inexperienced naughty girl dying to break free. I woke up several times in the middle of the night, trying to understand what I was feeling but deep down I knew, I knew that I was craving him. I have never been intimate with anyone and I would probably not even think twice about letting him in and becoming one with me. I still had a big smile on my face when my alarm went off but my joy was short lived and only in my dreams…my eyes fell on my foster sisters, the bruising was all over their faces and in dire need for some make up to cover them up. I did my best with the make-up but the damage was too badly done and it seems that they will need to avoid the public in order to not to drag any more attention to us.
They went for breakfast, I joined a few minutes later. Our foster mom was screaming yet again, can you believe that we are being scolded because we couldn’t cover up the make up any better? How are these adults allowed to look after us? I wish that the government would do more than give a stupid stipend and check in on us more than ones a year on a predetermined time and day. They give them enough time to make sure everything is in order before their arrival. What happened to unexpected visits? Anyway, I am sorry I tend to go off the topic… She agreed that it would be best for them to stay out of the public eye until the bruises has cleared up a bit. I can’t tell you how many times I have wanted all of us to stand together and over power her, but it’s easier said than done. Who will feed us? A few bruises is nothing compared to being split up again, starting over elsewhere so for now it’s heads down and try to get through it one day at a time. The warm and fuzzy feeling I had a few moments ago has vanished, buried and forgotten as if it never happened.
I walked to school, the normal routine but although the morning events were hanging over me, I couldn’t help to look forward to seeing him. I know he doesn’t want anyone to know and I think it’s for the best for now, it will do more harm than good if people were to find out about us anyway. Something inside me was kind of hoping he would pick me up again, just to have him close for a little while. My mind wandered off and I try to grab onto the happy thoughts but I can’t keep hold of them because the pain and sad memories are just too much. I walked longer than usual but I finally reached the school, I kept my head down, trying not to attract attention to me but it’s as if the kids were waiting for me. I was hoping that yesterday’s debacle would have died down already but no, instead more fuel was added. They started laughing, pointing fingers saying things like ‘he is way out of her league.’ I can’t think of anything that could have happened but my questions were quickly answered when I saw a big poster with our chats all over the school. The bell rang and I froze, do I start the day like this or run away? I don’t think I fully understand what happened, was I pranked yet again? He was my weakness but I had to get a grip or I will leave this life sooner than what I wanted to.
I scanned all the faces as the day progressed but no sign of him, he was probably too ashamed but I have just about had it with him, I deserve better, right? Just because I don’t have a family of my own doesn’t justify their outbreaks towards me, it does however make me an easy target. My prayers have been answered! The fire alarms went off and the school was evacuated for the day. I didn’t think twice, I got my stuff and got the h*ll out of there! At this point the duck and dive house was a much better option. I got home and I was welcomed by an unfamiliar male voice, my body tensed up and I cringed. Something about the voice gave me the creeps, I walked into the house and before I could even say or do anything my foster mom turned and started hitting me. She kept repeating the words ‘it’s always something with you.’ I don’t even know why I bother to tell her stuff, she does what she wants anyway. But this beating was different on top of the anger, frustrations and vulgar language she had empathy as if she knew I did not deserve that beating.
I was barely inside my room before the yelling continued. From what I could make out was really shocking, a low blow. “If you are going to have your way with anyone, you do it with me. Leave those kids alone!” Her voice echoed. I got really scared, a sort of scared that I have never felt before. I started hyperventilating, sweating and feeling very anxious. I don’t know if I can stay here anymore, I can take a hiding but I don’t know how I will handle s****l assault. I looked over to the girls, blissfully unaware of what I just heard, enjoying music on their shared earphones. How will I leave, knowing what they will have to endure? I closed my eyes to stop the tears from rolling over my cheeks. I am so thankful that I didn’t have to go to work today, I didn’t want that man to lay his eyes on me or leave the girls here alone. I took out a notebook and started with all sorts of plans but I don’t know maybe the easiest way out would be if I burned the house down with all of us inside, I mean no more suffering…
That night I heard our foster mom put a lock on our door, no matter how horrible she was towards us she was trying to spare us that. There was light but the darkness came and took it away.
As much more there was to this event I am exhausted, so let's say to be continued…
Love, mom.
- Writer
