Love In Fine Print

JESSICA “Great! Just great, this printer chose today of all days to get on my nerve,” exclaimed a very frustrated Jess. She hit the print button again and again, each press louder than the last. The printer whirred, made a few clicks, and then… silence. Jess threw her hands up. “Really? Out of all days you could pick to betray me, you pick today? The one day I actually try to look responsible?!” She leaned down close to the machine and whispered like she was scolding a child. “You think you’re funny, don’t you? Huh? You think this is a joke?” The printer beeped once. Jess gasped. “Don’t sass me!” She gave it a smack on the side. “Work! Work, you… you rust bucket! You trash can with buttons! You—” She stopped, waving her hands around as she searched for another insult. “You… paper chewer! Ink hogger! Useless box of stress!” Jess had never been one to sugarcoat her words. She was clumsy—very clumsy—not that she cared. She was blunt, strong-headed, and sassy to the point of danger. If she tripped, she blamed the floor. If she dropped her phone, she blamed gravity. And if her printer stopped working on the most important morning of her life, then yes, it was the printer’s fault and not hers. She pressed the button again and yelled, “Mom! I swear this prehistoric toy you call a printer is trying to ruin me!” From the living room came her mother’s calm voice, too calm for Jess’s liking. “Jess, that printer has been serving me for long, and I remember telling you to print those documents a day before today.” Jess pulled the paper tray out with too much force, and the whole thing slid across the floor. She stared at it, then shouted back, “Oh, Mom, you know I had something doing!” She shoved the papers back into the tray like the act itself could fix her problem. Her mom walked into the room, folding her arms, and rolled her eyes playfully. “Jess, I would be so damned if having something doing was lying on the couch and scrolling endlessly on your phone.” Jess turned to face her, folder half hanging from her hand. “Mom, a girl has to keep track of her social life.” Her mother’s lips pressed into a thin line, disbelief written all over her face. “Well, keeping track could probably cost you an interview you managed to get, after months of job hunting.” Jess threw herself dramatically on the chair. “Why do you make it sound like I’m lazy? I’ve been job hunting. You don’t know the struggle, Mom. Applications, emails, rejection after rejection. It’s painful. My soul has suffered.” Her mom raised an eyebrow. “Your soul looked fine yesterday when you were laughing at cat videos for three hours straight.” Jess pointed at her mom. “That was research. Laughter keeps me sane. If I lose my sanity, how can I go to an interview with confidence?” Her mom gave her a long stare, then muttered under her breath, “Confidence, right.” Jess jumped back to her printer and hit the top of it again. The machine made a choking sound, then spit out half a page with crooked lines of ink. Jess grabbed it and waved it in the air like proof in a courtroom. “See this! Look at this disaster! I can’t take this to an interview. They’ll laugh me out the door!” Her mom shook her head, clearly amused now. “Jess, maybe if you treated it nicely, it would actually work.” Jess bent over the printer, speaking to it sweetly for a second. “Please, my darling. Just print. I will never complain again.” She waited, nothing happened. Then she scowled and smacked it again. “Lies! I take back my words. You are evil.” Her mom chuckled. “You’re insane. It’s a machine, not a person.” Jess huffed. “This machine has ruined birthdays, ruined school projects, ruined my college essay, and now it wants to ruin my interview. It has a mind, Mom. And the mind is evil.” Her mom rolled her eyes. “The only evil mind here is yours, because you wait until the last minute to do everything.” Jess ignored her, pressing the button again. This time the printer groaned, beeped, and then began slowly spitting out papers. Jess jumped up like she had won the lottery. “Yes! Finally! Who’s the boss now? That’s right, you better work!” She snatched the pages as they came out, stacking them quickly. Her mom smirked. “You really think yelling at it made it print?” Jess tapped the top of the printer like she was patting a dog. “Respect. That’s what it needed. Tough love.” Her mom shook her head. “You need help. Real help.” Jess grabbed her documents and shoved them into the folder, but when she swung her bag onto her shoulder, the strap caught on the chair. She pulled, the chair toppled over, and she nearly fell with it. “Jess!” her mom shouted. “You’ll break your neck one day.” Jess laughed nervously, untangling herself. “Don’t worry, Mom, I got this.” She stuffed the folder into her bag, gave the printer one last smack, and ran toward the door. Her mom followed, calling after her. “Jess, listen, don’t forget to smile. And don’t interrupt them. And for once in your life, don’t say something silly!” Jess slid her shoes on halfway, nearly tripping again. She called back, “Mom, I’ll be fine!” Her mom raised her voice. “Jess!” Jess flung the door open and shouted over her shoulder, “I don’t care, I love you, bye.”