INTERLUDE: BOY-CRAZY
1967 Words
[SULIANA]
Twelve years ago…
“You know, I never liked boys,” Camia said. They were lying beside each other on a gigantic pile of hay. It was a fine day, the sun not too hot on the skin and the wind is cool and fragrant. The clouds that sailed across the sky were thin, like white lines drawn on a blue canvas. “I even thought I was an indro.”
Indros are women who are attracted to women.
“Well, you got the boots for it,” said Suliana.
“f**k you,” Camia said and laughed. Then she stopped and looked at the sky. “I’ve always thought… boys are sweaty, they stink… they always think of s*x…”
“I always think of s*x,” said Suliana.
“That’s different, you’re a w***e,” Camia said jokingly. “But you know, that’s what I thought about boys. And then…”
“And then you met a boy who’s different?” Suliana asked. The sky wasn’t as beautiful as it had been, because she was nervous now.
“Sort of.”
“Who is it?” Suliana asked, her voice almost a squeak.
“Like I’m gonna tell you, you judgmental b***h,” Camia said, then laughed.
Suliana couldn’t laugh at that. She was afraid. Years had passed since she met Camia and Gon, and her feelings for Gon grew. Gon was nice to her, but he was like that to everyone. Gon was sweet to everyone as well.
But Gon was sweeter to Camia, in small, subtle ways.
The way his hand shot up, preparing to catch Camia in case Camia fall while mounting a horse. The way he gave her his food because Camia eats like a beast and the way he looked at her, his silvery eyes would spark like stars.
And what if Camia finally noticed that and fell for Gon, too? What if she’d gaze back at him with the same intensity? Their eyes would form constellations and it would be beautiful.
“Can you give me a hint?” Suliana asked.
“No. And c’mon, I know that deep inside you, you know who I am talking about,” said Camia. She turned to her. “How about you? You’ve always been boy-crazy. Do you have a boy you fancy so much you ache and you swoon at the same time when you see him?”
“I…” And Suliana couldn’t say it, you see. Camia always teased her about Gon. She would always blush and tense up. Soon, she pretended to be attracted to almost all of the boys of Cantata, just so Camia wouldn’t suspect her feelings. “No. I don’t think so.”
“Shame,” Camia looked at the sky again. “I thought you’d be an expert. Because I never felt this before and this… this scares me.”
It scared Suliana, too. One thing she was sure of about her situation was Camia was not interested in Gon. She heard Camia said that she sees Gon as a brother.
And then Suliana had an idea. She began acting like Camia. She imitated her actions, copied her ideals. She was just a spoiled brat back then. But when she saw that Gon was impressed with Camia’s speeches about inequality and the shortcomings of the government, she started doing that, too. Camia started smoking and she did, too. It took effort because she had to hide it from her father, she had to dab perfume on her pulse points to cover the smell of smoke when she gets home, but she kept on doing it.
Suliana hoped Gon would be impressed with her, too. Hopefully, he’d realize that Camia was not interested in him and Gon would then turn his attention and affection to her, a pale imitation, a shadow of what he always wanted.
But what if Camia is starting to like Gon, now? What if…
“If it scares you…” Suliana said after a sigh. “Then maybe it’s not a good emotion. Maybe you know deep inside you that there is a risk. That you have something to lose.”
Camia’s smile faded. Her eyes shadowed with doubt. “That’s true,” she said. “This feeling comes with a risk.”
A risk of losing your friend, Camia? I know that feeling. That’s why I can’t confess. Because I am already a third wheel here and it’d be worse if I confess my feelings.
But not you, no. If you are now having feelings for Gon and confessed, I bet he’d say he feels the same way. I bet he’d cup your face with his hands and then lean forward to kiss you. I bet he’d apologize because he is afraid, he is doing it wrong.
But… but I can’t accept that. Not now. Just… not now.
“Well feelings that involve taking risk are problematic, already,” said Suliana. “I suggest you ignore that feeling for a while. Who knows? It might go away soon.”
Camia smiled. A smile that didn’t reach her ears. “Perhaps you’re right.”
I’m not, Camia, I’m not. I’m sorry for planting doubts in your heart. I’m sorry I am a boy-crazy, selfish b***h.
***
GON
FOR YEARS, Gon kept his feelings for Camia like a dirty secret, like something he had to be ashamed of, something that must be kept in the dark.
But now, he thought it was time to let Camia know.
That more often than not, he dreamt of planting small kisses on her face, he longed to hold her hand, he bled on those days they had a fight.
It was his akir Marcus who encouraged him to confess. They were eating supper then. Akir Marcus was giving suggestions about women he should woo.
“You can woo Ahgasa. She likes you,” Akir Marcus said.
“She’s forty years old!” Gon’s Amir Leilani said, horrified.
“She has money,” Gon’s akir said. Then he sighed, His father looked at him with surrender. He leaned towards the table and with a voice that was almost a whisper, he asked, “Akiro, be honest. Are you… an indra?”
Gon almost rolled his eyes.
“I know I told you I don’t like the idea. I still don’t, but… if it makes you hap… whooping wisdom, I can’t say it!” Akir Marcus hit the table that the plates rattled.
“Irog, we’ve talked about this already,” Amir Leilani said firmly. “It happens, and we should accept it.”
Gon could have said that he is not an indra, but he enjoyed seeing his father wince and squirm with the idea.
“Fine, damn it,” said Akir Marcus. He looked at him. “If… if it is who you are and…”
“Akir,” Gon said with a serious tone. “Like I told you yesterday, and the day before, and the day you wake me just to ask… I am not an indra.”
Akir Marcus sighed, but not quite. “If you’re not…”
Gon sighed. Maybe now that his Akir Marcus was more mature than he was before, and maybe now that Gon was no longer a child, he had to say it. Well, he really had to say it to someone. He realized that positive feelings, like love, or affection, are more difficult to keep to oneself. Pain and humiliation are easier to hide.
“I like a girl,” said Gon. “But she is not interested in boys, I think.”
“Okay,” said Akir Marcus. “Why?”
“I don’t know. She once said there are a lot more interesting things than boys and love.”
And Gon believed that, too.
“She sounds like she’s insane,” Akir Marcus said.
Gon laughed. “No,” he said. “She isn’t. And I like her but I can’t confess because… because…”
“Don’t tell me it’s that rich friend of yours,” said Amir Leilani. For some reason, she never liked Suliana so much. “C’mon, Gon! You can’t like her. She is not a krill!”
“No, no, not her,” Gon said, shaking his head. And then he smiled. “But the one I like… she’s also… she’s also my friend.”
Amir Leilani put her hand on the top of her mouth and gasped. “Is it Camia?” she asked.
Amir Leilani may not like Suliana too much, but she liked Camia.
Gon sighed. “Please don’t humiliate me in front of her…”
“Whooping wisdom, it’s Camia!” Amir Leilani said, and she even clapped her hands with excitement. “My future daughter-in-law would be Camia!”
“Amir!” Gon said, his face burned. “She’s not interested in boys. She’s…”
“Oh, she is,” Amir Leilani said. “Of course, boys are not all she’s interested in. And maybe when she was fifteen, she wasn’t but she’s eighteen now. I guarantee you she’s interested in boys.”
“Unless she’s an indro,” Akir Marcus said.
Amir Leilani slapped him on the shoulder.
“What?” Akir Marcus said, then laughed. He looked proud of him. Like it was the first time he saw him as a man.
“I think you have a chance, akiro,” Amir Leilani said, excitement still evident in her voice. “I think you have a chance. Maybe she’s just waiting for you to confess.”
Gon saw his amir’s point. Perhaps as she grew, Camia had changed. He once saw her blushed when she helped her mount a horse. She said she didn’t need help, and of course she really didn’t, but she never blushed in front of him. Then recently, he would catch her staring at him. Sure, she’d say mean things after, like, “Gon, you look like a man who would have a lot of husbands in prison” but the point was, he never caught her staring at him first, or staring at him that way.
“Perhaps you’re right, amir,” Gon said with a smile. “Perhaps I should confess my feelings. But can you let me do it my way? Can you not… intervene or something?”
Amir Leilani looked at Akir Marcus. Akir Marcus shrugged. “Well, I’m just happy to not have a fairy for a son, so…”
“Marcus!” Amir Leilani said, horrified. “That is offensive and I would not stand for it!”
Akir Marcus laughed and Amir Leilani bickered with him. Gon ignored them and thought of how and when he should confess his feelings.
[Maybe I can ask for Suliana’s help, he thought.]
- Writer
