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Haley ******* I sigh into the family photo laying on my hands. I sit at the edge of my bed, tears gathering up in my eyes at the verge of dropping down, my heart drowning in pain making every beat hurt. I take a deep breath through my noseries as I try to beat back the urge to cry, I release the grip on my left hand from the photo to wipe the tears which I failed to contain in my eyes as they drop, I hold the photo again with both hands. The photo reveals a happy family we once were, me, my dad and my mum behind the eiffel tower with grins on our faces, this was last summer vacation. He suggested we go to Paris to see the lllEiffel tower that he has always wanted to see live, my dad. Which we all agreed to. The vacation l a wonderful one. Gardens and parks were verdant with blooming flowers and sprightly trees, perfect for a great picnic, courtesy of mum who planned the whole picnic thing from snacks to a good spot for the picnic. I just assisted a little. I can feel a smile trying to find its way to my face, however It did. I smile softly as I recall how my dad felt so happy during the times we spent together in Paris. My mum described his attitude, childish. How I wish he didn't have to leave us. My dad passed away on my seventeenth birthday just before the party started according to what my mum told me in the incident. The worst part being that I can't remember a thing as regarding the tragic event that took place a month ago, all I could recall was that moment when I opened my eyes only to find myself on a hospital bed confused as hell. ~ Waking up on a hospital bed confused as to how I ended up here, my eyes darted around the room with many questions and many answers to hear things like how I got there or why my head hurts , questions like this kept running through my mind until suddenly my mum and a doctor walked in. "Mum? " I sat up. The first question that I asked myself was where my dad was as she came in alone looking all dressed up from head to toe. Her eyes are swollen like she has been crying. She had no make up on unlike her when looking dressed. I shake off the thought of worrying why she wasn't wearing one, besides maybe she was just in a hurry to come see her daughter who is in a hospital. She dropped her black leather bag on the floor as she heard my call. She forced a smile out of her face which exuded a sad vibe as she came to me with open arms reaching out to me. She tried to pick up the pace but her heels didn't make it any easier for her so she walked as fast as she could to give a hug. Being close enough she enshrouds me with both of her arms hugging me like the faith of the world depends on it. I did the same as well. I can't smell a cologne which is unlike her. What is going on? First she gets dressed with no make up and now no cologne ? I get that she must have been in a hurry to me but that doesn't stop her from using one as she would always say a woman's scent tells more about her than her handwriting. This made me really scared. This was exactly how she was when a very close friend of hers passed away three years ago she didn't use make up nor cologne for weeks. She was always crying and my dad was always there for her during that period. Speaking of dad, why isn't he here did something bad happen to him seeing that he isn't here with my mum, my dad won't just refuse to come visit when his only daughter is in a hospital he wouldn't do that for the world this made me really scared, did I lose a Loved one or are my friends in trouble and why am I in a hospital. "Mum ?" She looks up to me "Yes dear" she replies, releasing me. She smiles at me, her eyes on the verge of bursting into tears . "Where is dad ?" She sucks in her lips, her eyes closed for a brief moment as she tries to beat back the urge to cry . Tears began walking down her chick . "Mum, why are you crying ?" I couldn't help but ask, reaching out. She looks up to me again "He didn't make it" "Huh?... what do you mean he didn't make it ?" I ask, looking at her in a confused way. What happened that he didn't survive from. "Mum, talk to me, what happened? " My tone became louder. She looked down and began crying . I looked at the doctor over her shoulder who was just standing there like a statue . "What happened to him... talk to me, what happened to him " He didn't say a word and all did avoid eye contact by looking at his feet with his hands buried in his pocket . "He had a heart attack.... and I wasn't there to help him and it's all fault" she sobbed . Then I remembered my dad had an illness he has been taking medications for . Never would I have imagined it claiming his life so soon . " No...it can't be. No" I shouted . " No " I sobbed, leaning into my mum crying out loud . She hugs me then Pat at my back. "It's gonna be ok " she sobbed . ~ Since the incident, I held on to what my mum told me about that night. She said it happened as we were preparing the place before the party started. When he had a heart attack, she said It was too late when we got to the hospital. A pool party? Why would i even have a pool party when I can't even swim considering the fact that I have pool phobia . When he was pronounced dead I fainted then became the doctor's next patient. I drop the photo on my bed standing on my feet as I rub the back of my palm on my eyes, wiping the remaining tears still holding in at the edge of my eyes, I sniff. Picking up the photo from my bed, placing it on my nightstand and taking one last glance at my photo. This is all a waste of time, I mean the crying, as no amount of tears shed will bring my dad back to life, if it were possible he would have resurrected weeks ago considering the fact that I was always crying even to the extent my eyes stings sometimes. Speaking of waste of time I spend most of my time pondering, trying to even get a glimpse of what happened that day but all to avail. Sometimes I give in to despair and go on living but I can't, just ignoring the guilt I feel every time I think about it. So far this is the closest I've gotten. The guilt I feel and this feeling sometimes get me scared of remembering what happened knowing fully well that I won't be able to forgive myself if I caused the death of my father. I open the door that leads out of my room then shut it behind me as exit my room, I walk down the stairs, one at a time relishing every step I make I hold the wooden rail as I walk down the stairs for support after the last step on the stairs I go to the kitchen following the sweet aroma of freshly baked Cake. " Morning mum " I greet. " Yh, morning Haley, how was your night? " She replies not looking up to me and still focusing on what she is doing. " Fine " " All done " she says, rubbing her hands on the apron she has on her now untying the apron from behind. She looks happy, her gesture has a gleeful feeling to it. She looks as before the incident, wonderful cologne that tries to battle with the aroma from her freshly baked Cake which lies on the counter. How I wish this is how she is handling the death of her husband and also my father, but it's not. The day before yesterday I woke up late at night feeling thirsty and decided to head down stairs to help myself with drinking water. I heard her sobbing as I walked past her room heading down stairs, I turn back my heels walking back to her room. I decided to push the door open which isn't properly locked. Pushing the door revealing only a fraction of her room I decide to stop there not wanting to distribute her. She is crying, her left hand is tasked with the job of holding a photo just like the one I had in my room, the one we took in Paris, and her other hand holding tissue to wipe her eyes. I withdraw the steps from her threshold pulling the door back heading back to my intended destination. The next morning I met her in a bright mood, like today. I know she is putting up with this act of being strong for me so I can find the strength to do the same, and I appreciate it. Thanks mum. " Mum " " Yes " she answers, flying the neck strip of the apron over her head . " Am planning on going back to school, next week" I say, placing both hands on the counter now facing my mum. " Ok , should I inform the school about that ? " She ask. " No, that's not necessary," I tell her . " Ok, fine, " she says, putting a knife through the cake, cutting out a slice. " Just know I want nothing more than your happiness" she adds then glances at her wrist watch . " Oh shoot I'm running late " she quickly picks up the slice taking a bite of it. She paces to the living room grabbing her bag off the couch, she stuffs the remaining half of the cake into her mouth. She walks up to me to give a kiss on the cheek from where I stand. " Have some cake, okay, it's nice " . Of course they are , she is an amazing cook. She leaves the exit behind her stepping out of our threshold, igniting her car to life and off she goes. Now accompanied by loneliness, I sigh then look at my feet realizing I'm still in my pajamas. I turn my heels heading upstairs. This is the dawn of a new start in my life I guess.