Losing Myself

Zira Everything was a continuous series of hard, not your typical average kind of hard or your its-going-to-get-better in-the-morning kind of hard. Everything was hard in the contemplate suicide about every month kind of hard. Don’t misread me, I’m wasn’t suicidal or anything of the sort. Yes I do have a melancholic personality and I did spend a significant amount of high school listening to rock music but depression is not a personality type, I’ve read a lot of articles about it to know that. Did I feel that life sucked? Yes I did. Did I contemplate suicide? Well yes, occasionally. Still I think the average Nigerian undergrad contemplates suicide at quite a reasonable amount for many acceptable reasons. Was there any possibility that I would have attempted suicide? No, absolutely not. Why? 1. I was way too much of a coward and I already felt pathetic enough on the daily basis. Dying by suicide would have been finalizing my whole life as pathetic. 2. I prayed to the stars every night, whispering it underneath my breathe “whisper my name across the universe”. I didn’t know how but I had a feeling that one day everything is going to change for me because the stars whispered my name across the universe. When that year started I was fully positive, even wrote a list of everything I wanted to do in my journal. I had a lot of hope with my head held high thinking I could do anything as far as worked very hard at it. It should work that way, shouldn’t it? That’s what the motivational speakers say, you work hard and keep working hard no matter what and one day you are going to make it. I guess they lie a lot, I don’t see any truth in it right now; I saw some truth in it then but definitely not now. As it proved it only works when you work hard at something bad. You see the thing is motivational speakers are always talking about how we are supposed to just do things; start a business, build your business, be consistent and on and on and on they go. Now what if you have exactly 1000 naira in your bank account, a closet full of old clothes - What would you do then? How do you start your business before the other things like being consistent? The rate of how bad things were meant I was going to drop out of school and I refused to be helpless so I made the only decision possible with the vow to never go back on it. I couldn’t concentrate in school that day, all I had in mind was the fact that exams were coming up and I had only paid for 2 text books. In my school not buying the textbook pretty much equals you failing the course and you will fail it over and over again till you buy the textbook. Anxiety wrecked me to the point of restlessness. I stared out of the window noticing the different types of students passing by; from female students holding designer purses wearing long wigs to female students with faded skirts holding their books in hand. Boys in baggy trousers with lots of pockets holding on to said girls with designer purses. A girl in a long baggy gown was sharing church pamphlets. She didn’t look like your typical church girl though, she had light skin that seemed to glow in sun, she looked as young as 16. With her jittering discomposure her body filled with restlessness I knew that she was definitely a fresher; as Chidima liked to say “that was how we all were before this town broke us”. She smiled innocently revealing a set of deep dimples as she hands out a pamphlet to a tall guy who looked at her like she’s lunch. I instantly felt bad for her, I always felt bad for them yet I should have felt worst for myself. I watched as the guy that’s probably 10 years older than her hand her his phone to probably save her number in it. Everyone in class was talking very loudly, complaining about the assignment the lecturer just gave. Something about it being 20 pages and typed. I placed my head on the table not wanting to think about it. Certainly would have preferred a written assignment. The thing about typed assignment is that you have to spend money. You go to a cyber café to get it printed and they charge you about 40 naira per page, meaning you have to spend about 1000 on a stupid assignment the lecturer is not going to read after you already bought his textbook of about 3000 naira. Emphasis on the fact that the lecturer is not going to read it. Assignments are ceremoniously pointless in the sort of school I was in. It is given and done for the sake of it. If you’re not Nigerian you might be confused at this point, just take my words for it. Most Nigerian teachers (at least in my school) do not read assignments. And this particular lecturer I know for sure would not. Dr. OC is known widely in the department for flirting with female students, accepting sorting (sorting is the word used for payment for grades) and drinking dry gin in his office. The flirting with female students is known to go farther than just flirting. How farther it goes? I don’t care to listen, that is between him and the female students. One major rule to surviving in a Nigerian school is keep a low profile, shut up, be mostly invisible. Tochi walked up to me carrying a black leather handbag too small to hold her books as she holds them in her other hand. Simply one of the numerous pointless fashions just as much is fake pockets on jeans. I make a face and she rolls her eyes. “Don’t say it”, she said. “I don’t need to say it”, I said picking up my book from the table putting it into a brown bag made from cloth with a congratulations wedding poster on it. “You already know. Please don’t tell me to put it in my bag except you’re going to hold my bag instead because I’m tired. I didn’t sleep well last night and haven’t eaten all day. Hold your books plus your fine useless hand bag in peace”. She smirked exposing her perfect sets of dimples “you have too much fire in your body. Relax I didn’t say anything. In fact what were you doing that you didn’t sleep. You went to see man”? she asked semi playfully. Although we’ve not been so close until recently I’ve known Tochi since year one. We were friends right from our first day as freshers. She was eager, always looking like she was looking for something while I was reserved and shy. We were completely different yet became extremely friendly to each other. After a while Tochi met new girls she started to spend more time with which led to her spending less time with me. I’m not one to be dramatic about things like that so there was never a fight or anything like that. Suddenly that new semester she started spending less time with the other girls lending to her spending more time with me. “You know I’m more single than single. What man can there be? Just couldn’t sleep that’s all”, I replied. “You are very strange, still can’t believe you’ve never dated anyone” “Not everyone can easily find true love like you”, I said teasingly. This was me. A mattress thrown on the floor and depleting cream walls paint revealing the gray concreate underneath. My blue camp gas marked my cooking area about 5 squares of tiles away from my mattress and a short row of footwear at the extreme corner of the room with 2 Black Hand bags hanging on the wall. The room is usually damp and stuffy without the window open so I opened it up letting the sunlight in. I opened the box of indomie noodles thinking I should have followed Tochi home as there were only two packs left and she would have covered me for lunch but I didn’t want him to call when I was at her place, it was vital to avoid Tochi’s nosiness. When my phone rang my heart skipped a beat as I saw the caller ID. It was the exact person I was expecting yet I wasn’t so sure I ready for it all. Still I picked it up making sure my voice sounded as composed and confident as possible. “Hey, it’s me Kc. How are you”? I met KC on a very hot afternoon on my way to work. Everything was an annoyance to me at that time; I just spent about 5 hours at school trying not to fall asleep. I had not eaten yet as there was nothing to eat and no money to buy food. The last time my dad sent me money was about 2 months ago, it was 10000 naira I tried my best to stretch but there is only so long one can stretch 10000 naira except you are a magician. Usually I wouldn’t stop for strangers calling me on the road but at this particular time I had already started contemplating my decision, so when KC’s car pulled up by the road signaling me to come in, I did. His car was extremely neat and new on the inside. He had on a brown polo with collars and a blue jean trouser. His stomach protruding as he sat down. His skin was a nice shade between light skin and dark skin and he had a low cut with strikes of silver white hair on his head and jaw line. He was quite handsome, also quite married. My eyes could not have missed the wedding band on his finger as he had no interest in hiding it. KC talked very smart with a slight Igbo accent, he carried himself like a man who knew he was handsome enough to not need anyone to tell him so. Or maybe he was handsome because he carried himself with a lot of confidence.From all I could tell he was a good catch, I had no reason to hold back on my plans with him. I met everything he said with my innocent smile, flipping my hair back and leaning forward Although I was very lacking in my communication skills, K.C was a talker and I only had to give my most innocent smile when needed, nodding when necessary. “Hey, yeah I’m good, how are you”? I asked trying to sound as friendly as possible. “I’m okay, just got back from work. I’m always trying to go out with you but you’re always acting busy. Do you not want to go out with me”? I laughed lightly hoping I had enough flirtation in my voice “off cause I do, work is just quite hectic”. “Okay then, how about tomorrow, when would you be free”? I paused a little, composing myself to say my next reply so I don’t sound too eager. “Well I’ll be free all through tomorrow, guess I’m all yours”, I replied. “Okay, great. I’ll call you around 11” “okay” That day I reversed my choice over and over in my hand, I didn’t know what I was doing however I decided to do it anyways. Choices are for people with money and power, I had none. All I had was myself, my body and that was mine enough to do as I pleased. *Hello, this is my first time writing . I hope you enjoyed this episode and please feel free to leave comments.*