She's A Gangster Princess

CHAPTER 4: THE DAILY BREAD

I'm upset by the thought of constantly being associated with that group. Aside from being in the same class, they are always with Chesca, and she is always with me. I intend to ditch them after the class is finished, but given how persistent my only friend is, I doubt that my paln will be successful. She will undoubtedly do everything to include me in all of her escapades.

"I'm here in your house, and it's close. Where are you?" I replied right away after receiving a text from Chesca.

"School," I said simply. It's just 6 a.m., but most students arrived to school around 7 a.m. because class begins at 8 a.m. It's been a week since I came to school this early. It's just that something doesn't feel the same in our house, and the absence of that annoying group this early gives me peace.

Pinunit ko ang pang-limang portrait ko ni mommy na kanina ko pang iginuguhit. The image doesn’t justify the beauty of my mom, and her eyes aren't as brilliant in my sketch as they are in real life. I want her alluring lips to be exactly how they are, but I can't draw her perfectly. I closed my eyes and imagined her with a happy expression on her face. I want my conceptual image of her to be the same as her actual drawing.

“Hmm — I must say that you have the talent.” Iminulat ko ang aking mga mata pero hindi ko ginawaran ng tingin ang lalaking nagsalita. By just hearing the playfulness of his tone, no doubt that he’s that person. It’s too early, bakit nandito na kaagad s’ya?

Pinili ko pa naman ang garden sa likod ng Academy dahil dito ay walang gaanong pumupuntang estudyante at payapa ang hangin. Nakakapag-isip ako nang maayos, pero mukhang magtatagal bago ako makabalik dito dahil may naka-alam na ng tambayan ko.

Iniligpit ko ang sketchpad at pencil na ginamit ko. Ang ilang punit na papel na itinapon ko kanina ay pinulot ko na rin at umalis na doon. Hindi naman na ulit s’ya nagsalita at nanggulo, pero mas gusto ko na hindi na lang mapalapit sa kan’ya. Presensya n’ya pa lang ay sapat na para masira ang araw ko.

“Bakit ang aga mo kanina?” Bulong sa akin ni Chesca at bahagyang tumingin sa unahan. Nagdi-discuss na kasi ang instructor namin sa General Mathematics kaya ingat na ingat s’ya na mapansin. The last time she talked to me during lectures, pinag-sagot s’ya ng 5 problems sa unahan.

“I woke up early.” Simpleng sagot ko sa kan’ya. Sinamaan n’ya naman ako ng tingin kaya napakunot ang aking noo. Agad rin naman niyang binago ang kaniyang ekspresyon, pero ngayon ay para siyang nang uusisa kung tumingin. Ano’ng problema nito?

“Someone saw you this morning with Lance at the garden, nag-date ba kayo?” Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa tanong n’ya, pakiramdam ko ay namula rin aking pisngi sa inis. Paano n’ya naiisip ang ganoong bagay? Binato ko s’ya ng papel at pigil naman s’yang napatawa.

Date? Kami ni Lance? Never.

“Tawagin ka sana ni Sir.” I retorted and smirked at her. Nag-make face naman s’ya at napatawa na lang ako. She’s so childish.

“Sir, excuse me po. The communication department requested for Ms. Nadine. S’ya po kasi ang schedule for Daily Bread Reading for Today.”

“Ms. Smith, you may go.”

Wala sa sarili akong napatayo at sumunod sa council papuntang conference hall. When was the last time I talked about faith? It's been two months, and I haven't dared to try again. I assumed that if we asked God for something, he would provide us with everything. But I begged him, and all he did was leave me with nothing.

“Ms. Nadine, Okay ka lang po ba?” Basta lang pala ako nakatayo sa may pintuan. Hindi ko pinansin ang tanong sa akin at nagdiretso na lang ako papasok. Inabot ko ang microphone sa may stand at kahit nanginginig ang mga kamay ay pinilit ko’ng lakasan ang loob ko. I swallowed consecutively dahil pakiramdam ko ay may bumabara sa lalamunan ko.

“Ms. Nadine?” When I looked behind me, I noticed the staff contemplating whether to approach me or not. I murmured an apology and pushed myself to read with quivering lips.

“Paul then describe the difference between being a slave to sin and a slave to God and His life giving ways (vv. 19-20). He continues by stating that “the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life” (v. 23). Death means being separated from God forever. This is the devastating outcome we face when we reject Christ.”

After finishing the daily bread ay kaagad akong lumabas ng conference hall. Nakita ko si Chesca na naghihintay sa akin sa labas pero nagtuloy tuloy lang ako sa paglalakad. Nang makita ko na nagmamadali s’yang maglakad para habulin ako ay kusa na akong huminto.

“Look, you don't need to follow me. Sasaglit lang ako sa CR kaya mauna ka na sa canteen.” Kita’ng kita ko ang pag-aalala sa mga mata n’ya at hindi ko alam kung bakit. Wala naman s’yang alam kaya bakit s’ya mag-aalala? Ayaw pa rin n’yang umalis kaya ngumiti lang ako sa kan’ya nang bahagya para malaman n’ya na susunod ako. Sabay kaming naglakad sa hallway at pagtapat sa may crossing ng canteen at CR ay lumiko na ako. Nakita ko pa na nakatingin sa akin si Lance ngunit hindi ko na lamang pinansin.

“GET OUT!” Malakas na sigaw ko sa loob ng CR. Agad naman silang tumalima at dali-daling lumabas ng pinto. Kahit nagugulat ay kita ko pa rin ang takot sa kanilang mga mata.

"Calm down Nadz. Relax please!" Pagpapakalma ko sa aking sarili habang nakaharap sa salamin at marahas na bumubuntong hininga. Something is wrong, and I'm not sure how to fix it. I can't seem to settle down. All I want is to be hollow so that I can avoid this inexplicable thing that is growing inside of me.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, but when I opened them, all I saw was a mirror of myself covered in blood and begging for life. There are two dying bodies bathing in their own blood beside me, and all I can do is ask God to save them. I was willing to give up my life just to save them, yet he still took them away from me.

He took away the brightness that had been illuminating my life, leaving me with guilt and regret.