Knock of Mistakes

CHAPTER 4

A week before my mom's birthday. Still being the great daughter, she thinks I am. It's been a month since I've been stuck here in this place. Being in this house feels like a nightmare without mom.

It's also been weeks. After mom's confession to this new guy, she became so busy. We just had breakfast together since then. Eating together feels nothing. She's always on her phone, can't even hear me when I try opening a topic. Just like today.

“How are you and your boyfriend mom?” I asked, hoping that she hears.

"Me and my boyfriend? We're happy. I don't know how to explain this feeling, it feels like a teenager having a crush. We're always together. He treats me to dinner every time. I even see my future with him." she answered happily.

“I hope that kind of love finds you too dear" mom said before focusing on her phone again.

“Yes, uhm, your birthday's near. Do you have any plan mom?"

“Uhmm, can we also have dinner together? It's been a month since our last dinner together"

"Ah, the school year is also coming. I promise that this year I'll do better.”

"I will make you proud and..”

Feels like I'm talking to myself. Mom is smiling typing something on her phone. Her boyfriend's topic must really be interesting that she can't even hear me.

“Dear, I need to go. He is waiting for me.” She says, didn't even finish her breakfast.

I'm alone again. In this freaking god-damned house. I don't know what to do anymore. Mom doesn't want to be with me. No one wants to be with me. I don't have any friends.

Why is my life like this?

"I just want to be loved” I cried, still eating my breakfast. Pretending that mom is here.

"If only dad didn't die. I hope it's me who died that day. So that I don't need to suffer.” Crying like a freaking baby again.

I really hate this life.

Another week has passed again. Tomorrow is my mom's birthday. I already bought the raw materials, designs, and everything that I need to surprise mom on her birthday.

“Sasha" with a soft knock.

“Yes?" I open the door, surprised to see mom be early at home.

“Dear are you ready to meet your new dad?" She says, entering my room.

"Yeah, sure. I'm ready whenever you're ready mom”

"You know what? I'm kinda scared to love someone again. And Jason is the first person that makes me feel that it's okay to try again. He's kind, has patience, and is loving. Feels like the air to my hell like life." She says lovingly, with a cute smile.

Looks like mom already found the one. I'm so happy for her. I'm such a bad daughter to hate her new boyfriend just because mom's attention is on him.

“Good for you. And did I hear it, right? Jason?”

“Yup, dear. His name is Jason, and I assure you that he's going to be a good father. In fact, he really wants to meet you too. So, get ready for tomorrow." kissing me before leaving me.

So, she's basically just here to inform me about him. Jason? This name reminds me of my Jason too. Descriptions kinda match too, but unlike mom. My Jason meets someone who's not yet ready to settle. I hope he's happy now.

“Let's forget him, Sasha. It's no good to think of what happened in the past" I remind myself.

Looking at the mirror, I scan my whole body. A body of a slut. The face of a loser. My body and face is to die for. I always thank my parents for giving me this. Although, I look like a female version of my dad with a body like my mom.

“Well, life is still good. I am miserable, but will never be the ugly one." I laugh, gaslighting myself.

Enough with this s**t. I prepared my outfit for tomorrow. A baby pink dress.

Morning comes, it's mom's day!

“Good morning! Happy Birthday!" I scream, knocking at my mom's room.

“Good morning! Happy Birthday! Wakee up!" I scream again, opening the door to her empty bed. I search for her in every corner of the house, still can't find her. I check my phone to find her message.

Mom: Good morning, I'm with Jason. Don't forget to eat your breakfast.

Wow! I'm such a fool. I laughed at myself. Then eat a quick breakfast. I started to decorate our living room, and cook food for mom and her visitors. I'm so excited to surprise mom. Will she like this? Is this enough?

And before 12pm, I am all ready.

Then, I hear the sound of the key opening our door. I quickly grab the candle and hold the cake.

"Happy Birthday!” I scream at the top of my lungs.

"Oh! Thank you so much dear” mom awkwardly smiled.

"Uhm, you didn't like it?" I nervously ask.

“Of course, I love it. It's just that I already booked a catering service to be here before 1pm. Thank you for the effort though” she said before blowing the candles. She kissed me on my cheeks, before going up to her room.

Disappointment and whatever negative emotions run inside me. I don't know how to handle this. Tears falling down my cheeks, washing mom's kiss. I quickly remove the decorations and clean our living room. I store the cooked food in our refrigerator. And putting those freaking decorations in the trashcan.

After that, I lock myself in my room. Silently crying, I don't want my mom to feel bad for my stupidity. I’m so stupid, I didn't even ask if she already has her plan for her birthday. Crying all alone doesn't help. So, I grab my phone and chat him. This is the first time I did what is prohibited for mom's good daughter.

Me: Hi? Are you free?

After a few minutes. Kai, my recent ex, replied.

Kai: Me? Yes. Are you okay?

Kai: Where are you? Want to meet?

Kai: Can I call?

Staring at my phone, I cry more. Those questions feel like he really cares for me. Then suddenly my phone rang, he's calling. I immediately answer him, and even before he says another word, my tears burst again.

20 mins of crying with him silently listening to the line saying that it will all be fine. And it took another minute to calm myself down.

“Are you done?" He softly asked, making me cry again.

“I-I don't think so"

“Then cry. I'm just here. Want me to pick you up?" He asked.

“No, I just need someone to listen to my pathetic crying HAHAHAHAH" I also don't know what's funny.

“Wanna grab coffee? I can pick you up."

“I can't, there's an event that I need to attend" I replied, wiping my tears, then looking at myself in the mirror. I look like a freaking hot mess. My makeup is ruined.

“How unfortunate. Call me if you changed your mind"

“Thanks, Kai! I don't want to waste your time, I also know that you're busy" I replied, knowing his schedule.

“I can always cancel that."

“You shouldn't. Anyway, thank you for listening. I need to get ready. Bye!" I ended the call after that. I know him, he'll insist on going here to comfort me. That's how kind he is.

I redo my make-up. Covering my puffy eyes with a concealer. After, fixing my make up. Mom shouted to inform me that the event will start at 4:00 pm. I still have 30 mins to sit and calm myself. And at exactly 4:00 pm, I go downstairs to meet mom's visitors.