A Touch on my Heart

Watching the people around me is terrifying. It does show how different I am to them. It does provide the answers to my questions. Why they were given the things I asked for? Or is it better to say "she". Why she was given the man I asked for? On this day, the future we once dreamed for is already shattered, broken, and will never be fixed again, like my heart. I want to ask why but I won't stoop that low again. I want you to tell the reasons without me asking. I want you to come back to me without me begging. Because the last time I asked you, your answers didn't make me happy. And everytime I think about everything, I don't deserve you as much as you don't deserve me. From this day until your last breath, you will face and greet the mornings with her face as your first view. You will be eating breakfast with her and much worst you will be eating her for the rest of your life. I chuckled because of the thoughts running in my mind. I gathered all my remaining strength and finally showed up. All eyes looked at me as I walk through their backyard. Despite the pain and betrayal I'm feeling, I smiled. I know that all their eyes are on me now. "Who is she?" "Hmmm, she's familiar," "She was Jake's date in his last event!" "Iyong mukhang basura?" Then they all laughed. "Is she even invited here?" "Well, alam niyo naman ang mga basura...they still come to a party even if they do not belong to it." Huminga ako nang malalim para itago na naapektuhan ako sa mga sinasabi nila. I didn't let them see that I was hurting to all their hurtful banters. "Congratulations... Allison, and my ex fiancé, Jake." I gave them my sweetest smile. Sa mukha nila ngayon, aakalain mong ako si Malificent na handa silang isumpa. Jake grabbed my hand and whispered to my ear. "What are you doing here? Please just please." I can hear his begging voice. "You didn't invite me. I just came here to greet you and also to witness the wedding I sho--" natigilan ako nang hilahin niya ako palayo doon. "Hindi mo ba talaga kami tatantanan? Ash please! Move on!" He asked as his eyes blazed with fire. Tinanggal ko ang aking kamay sa pagkakahawak niya dahil sa sinabi niya. How dare he? How can he tell me to move on despite the things that he's done? Ang kapal ng mukha niya. Tiningnan ko siya nang deretso sa kanyang mga mata. "Move on? No. Of course not. I won't move on. I will let you and your wife feel the pain you let me feel—" "I swear, if you did something bad to my wife and to my family, I'd kill you" he cut me off only to hurt me with his words. I smiled. Despite the pain that I was feeling because of his words, I smiled. In spite of all the things that he has done to me, I smiled. I managed to smile yet I wasn't happy. I grabbed his collar and kissed his lips. Sinubukan niya akong itulak pero hinigpitan ko ang pagkakakapit ko sa kanya. I'm waiting him to push me with all his strength but he didn't. My hopes arise. He still loves me! I knew it! Ipinalibot ko ang aking mga kamay sa kanyang batok at mas pinag-igihan pa ang paghalik sa labi niya. This time, he stopped escaping and let me kiss him. He's not responding to my lips but the fact that he's letting me savor his lips feels like heaven to me. I tried to enter my tounge on his lips but I can't because he's greeting his teeth. Huminto ako sa paghalik sa kanya at tiningnan siya sa kanyang mga mata. "Nakalimutan mo na ba kung paano ang humalik? Why? Aren't you kissing your friend? Or hindi ba siya masarap hindi gaya ko—" Hindi ko na natuloy pa ang sasabihin ko nang bigla niya akong diniin sa dingding at hinalikan nang madiin. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko but after a few moments, I responded to his kisses when he entered his tounge on my mouth. I opened my eyes only to see his wife, Allison, watching us. I can see the pain and hatred in her eyes and I felt satisfied. Napa-ungol ako nang mas pag-igihan niya pa ang paghalik sa akin. He's now kissing me on my neck when Allison spoke. "J-jake, s-stop." Natatarantang itinulak ako ni Jake sa dingding at nilingon ang asawa. Jake didn't even ask if I'm okay. Pinuntahan niya kaagad ang asawa niyang ngayon ay umiiyak na. Binalot niya ito sa kanyang mga bisig habang bumubulong nang kung ano-ano. I know what I did was wrong but I felt satisfied. Tumayo ako at naglalakad palapit sa kanila. Huminto ako sa kanilang tapat. "Congratulations for the wedding, Allison. And for Jake, your lips still taste sweet. Pero parang kumukupas ka na." At nilampasan silang dalawa. I can still hear Allison's curses towards me but I didn't bother to look at them. Napatigil ako nang may brasong humawak sa aking mga kamay. "And for you Ash, what we had was nothing. Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit ka nasasaktan eh. I paid you, nakalimutan mo na ba? Allison and I were in a relationship back then. At lahat ng sa atin? It was nothing and a joke. You are nothing but a w***e, a mistress. Always remember that...bitch." Sunod-sunod na tumulo ang aking mga luha. Hindi ko alam bakit pa ako nasasaktan nang ganito. I thought nasanay ko na ang sarili kong masaktan. Para kapag hinarap ko sila ay hindi na ako masasaktan pa. But I was wrong. Maybe because this is not what I expected for. Deep inside my heart, no matter how many times he hurts me and says that he no longer loves me, I still expected him to beg at me. That he would ask me back in his life because he was once told me that he couldn't live without me. But looking at the situation right now, it seems like all of those were mere lies and my chance is now broken. I was like a wave that is always coming back and forth to reach the shore, and that is me...who always comes back to his life, trying to reach the only dream I have, to be married at him...but fate doesn't want me to. I think, no matter how hard we try to get the things we want, when the fate refuses us to, nothing will happen, aside from us being broken and shattered... into pieces. I couldn't really get fate. I asked and tried everything I could to end up with him. But I just ended up in my bedroom with tears cascaded falling down my face. Tumingin ako sa salamin sabay ngiti. After this, I promise...my heart will be alive and free again. Kailangan ko pa palang masaktan ulit para matuto na talagang wala na. Kahit na ano pa ang gawin ko, wala na. Ano na kayang ginagawa nila ngayon? Are they enjoying this night with them being married? Gusto kong tumakbo papunta sa sasakyan ko pero kailangan kong pigilan ang sarili ko. Dali-dali akong bumaba upang kuhanin ang tali na meron ako. Nang makita ito, a smile appears on my face. Umakyat ako papunta sa kwarto ko at ginawa ang nararapat gawin. This is the only thing I know to stop my self from doing something I don't want to do. Itinali ko ang mga paa ko sa kama nang mahigpit. Hindi ko man lang maramdaman ang sakit. I feel pain, but not physical pain. I was about to do the same in my hands when the door opened. I smiled when I saw him. "Atlas! T-tulungan mo nama--" I stopped when he enveloped me in his arms and started crying. I don't know what's happening to him. "T-tutulungan kita p-pero... Ash n-naman tulungan mo rin naman ang sarili mo," He said while crying and sobbing. "Hoy a-ano ka ba! A-ayos lang ako kailangan k-ko lang nang tulong mo. Tulungan mo naman akong i-itali ang kamay ko please?" I smiled and did every thing I could to look like a cute puppy. I know he couldn't resist me when my face is like this. He did nothing but hug me though and I don't know what happened but I just found myself crying out loud. Shouting because of the physical pain I'm feeling on my foot that I didn't feel before. I heard him saying I love yous to me until everthing went to black.