The further away the better

Cleo sick

I miss her, oh I miss my girl. After all this is the longest I’d been without her at my side. I don’t need to tell her anything, she has always naturally known how to work with me, I guess I can’t handle this new found curiosity I have in my life. I know Patrick isn’t snooping, I know he isn’t trying to get information out of me, I just don’t know how to talk. I don’t want pity, I don’t want that look, I also don’t want to open a can of worms that I don’t know how to handle it. My body can’t comprehend it hence why I shut it away, I also don’t mean to do it my brain just naturally done it.

“Ah, just someone from the past, it’s nothing, sorry if I woke you”. “No, I was awake, you looked so peaceful, then you looked like you were in pain” “guess that’s why I don’t sleep to well, I’m use to it, well I guess I should hop to the shower”. I gather my clothes and start to walk out “Kaly” “yeah?” “ I know we haven’t known each other for a while, I hope you don’t take what happened as a fling, I’d like to get to know you more, you can talk to me and tell me anything”. “ I don’t know what I’m feeling right now Patrick, I just going to have a shower if that’s ok, I don’t like talking, I don’t know how to, but I’ll think about all you’ve said, what happened was overwhelming, thank you for being so caring”. Patrick jumps up and helps to the bathroom in my room, I thank him and get to my business. I have flash backs of our night. I become aware of all the sensations, I can recall his lips on me, his soft touch, how my body naturally felt sensual to his touch, I slowly breath through the emotions and start to comprehend the situation. I know in my past I haven’t felt this way before, I’ve wanted to have my own feelings to another man, but have never been given the chance. I also don’t trust my self, I don’t want my life’s focus to be on a male and relationship. I want freedom, I want to wear what I want, do my hair the way I want and use my money the way I want. I want to buy all things that I enjoy, I want to learn who I am and what I can be. Relationships change people, I seen it with my friend Dana, one minute we were friends, next minute she wasn’t her anymore, in my own circumstances, I was made to be someone to suit him and his ideal partner. As I wash my hair, it hits me, I can cut and dye my hair the way I want. I have a moment and I go to the clothes Frankie gave me, I find some interesting clothing that I wouldn’t typically be seen in. It’s hot out today so I try on denim shorts that leave nothing to anyone’s imagination, I find a white lace singlet that buttons to the front and shoes my mid, I grab my sandals and grab the phone, I feel hot, I still feel uneasy but I push through. “Hey Beatrice, I was wondering if you have the number for the local hairdresser please, oh and Ritchies number to please”. I smile and my new found confidence. I write the numbers down, make an appointment with Gary the hairdresser, who’s just happened to have a cancellation, I call Ritchie. I’m so glad this is happen so quick, I can’t change my mind. I sit in the chair, Gary and colourful man, with enthusiasm on steroids. “Oh my god, please tell me I can have fun with this virgin hair”. I giggle “ yes actually I want to find the new me and I’m starting with my hair”. “and your brows honey”.

4 hours later I’m spun around to face the mirror. I blush, giggle and then burst into tears. “Hunny, oh my god, you look beautiful, do you hate it?” “No, not at all Gary, I’ve just never had beautiful hair, I’m sorry I just taken aback and it’s hit me, it’s beautiful, thank you”. I have soft ash blonde lowlights in a gentle wave, with an undertone of warm caramel all over, my hair is cut with a style to shape my oval face, which makes me cheeks pop. I look like I have colour in my face. “Thank you Gary” “ Kaly girl, thank you for brightening my day, you’ve been a delight to work with, now, let’s keep this going, we book every 6 weeks ok, eyebrows and hair”. “Haha yes ok, let’s book” after a hug, kiss to the cheek, I leave to go to the supermarket, I grab a trolley to help me with my knee. My face has healed well only a small scab is left. Bruising is slightly yellow. After gathering items to restock Patrick’s kitchen. As I leave the supermarket, I realise I need to contact Ritchie, Josie rounds the corner and stops short. “Um Hello beauty, your hair I love it Kaly”. “ thank you Josie, I love it, Gary is amazing”. “How you going?, the knee ok?”. “Yeah it’s good, can put some weight on it but the crutches as much as they help are starting to hurt my arm pits, it’s nice to get out and get some fresh air, I was about to use the pay phone to call Ritchie”. “Oh don’t be silly, I’m about to head up to farm stay, I’ll give you a lift”. “Your room 4 yeah, I thought that was getting fixed, what room you in now?” “Oh, I am staying up at the main house for a few more days”. “Oh right cool, It unlike Patrick to open his home, I think he is growing kinder in his age, I’m glad he is welcoming you”. “He doesn’t welcome people into his home?” “Well it’s not my story to tell, but no he doesn’t, he has sheltered himself in his home for 10 years, always keeping himself busy.” We pull up to the house as I’m left questioning, Josie grabs my bags for me, I thank her for the lift and help, she put the bags in the kitchen and comes back to me. “ you know Kaly, you two could be good for each other, you can both push each other to open up, I better get going I have a bucket load of muffins to make”. “Thank you again Josie”. I put the items away and start making my favourite dish, cheese, bacon, spinach Frittata with a salad. Before I know it the front door slams. “Hey, how you going? Something smells great” “hey yourself, yeah, I hope you like frittata and salad”. Patrick comes up behind me and kisses my neck and hugs my waste. I soften into his touch, then realise what’s going on, I stiffen. “Thanks for making dinner, you didn’t need to do that, I’m happy to do it”. “Absentmindedly, I say, I’m happy to, as I squeeze out of his hold and go to the table with his plate. “Im feeling tired, just leave all this I’ll clean it after a nap”. “Ok”. I enter the room, release the breath I wasn’t aware I was holding onto. I don’t know what I just did, I’m not tired, only feeling overwhelmed.

I enter the kitchen a few hours later, everything was cleaned and my dinner sat in the oven, I huff, what am I doing here. I’m clearly not in a good space. What is wrong with me. I just don’t want to give Patrick the wrong impression. I’ll be seeing Dr Fritz tomorrow maybe I can ask him what to do. What am I going to tell him. I can’t tell him about the past I don’t want it to be about that, I feel bad karma for speaking of all that, I want to work on the future and my freedom. I feel stuck. Maybe that’s what I’ll talk about.

11 am, Dr Fritz enters the lounge. “Now Kaly, although I am a Doctor in general medicine, I want you to know I am a certified Psychiatrist, I’ve worked in many countries, been apart of research projects and retired from that field 10 years ago, I wanted to clarify this before we go further, I do also have a duty of care to you, I will listen, I will advice I will support you, but if I feel your in danger to yourself or anyone else I will use my professional oath in ensuring your safe. Is this ok?” “I guess” “alright, so Kaly, tell me, where were you born?”. “Um I think I was born in Tasmania”. “ just so I can gather a picture of you, are you an only child?” “Oh not really I am but I’m not”. “Have you heard of a genogram before” “no” “well it’s a tool that helps me establish where you sit in the family and I can reflect on it when we talk”. I feel my heart speed up. “Dr Fritz, I’m sorry but I don’t really think this has anything to do with what I wanted”. “Kaly, this is a safe place, I won’t leave you in a hyper state of arousal, I just need to understand these side of you”. “Ok”. Im feel my wall coming up. Numb to the situation. “I never met my Dad, my Mum said he died, she had me just before he died of an overdose, she ended up with my uncle, he had a child to another women before they ran off together to Fremantle, they had 4 kids together. I don’t know my grandparents, I don’t know where the rest of them are or live now last I heard they were in Darwin. I have a child name Cleo, she is 18 years old and living in Perth”. Thank you for that information Cleo, what does she do?” “She is studying at Griffith University to become a Occupational Therapist”. “Wow, you must be proud”. “I am, she is easy to be proud of”. “Her father proud?” “No, he wouldn’t know”. “So before Adelong, you lived in Fremantle?”. “Yes, I lived in my own home with Cleo, I worked at the local bank as the manager, I’d studied hard while Cleo was young and it paid off”. “Well done, Kaly, I’m pick up that you were a single mother to Cleo?” “Yes and No, I raised her solo, with a bad influence present”. “Well with that, you should be proud of yourself”. “Thank you” I don’t know how to take that compliment. “So, I want to talk to you about your sleep, the feelings your explained to me?” “Ok” “do you feel refreshed when you wake up Kaly?” “No, I wake up feeling more tired every morning” “are you aware of what prevents you from having a good sleep, as in, are you eating well, exercising when not injured?”. “I look after myself, it seems the more I do lately the worse I feel the next morning”. “Do you wake up with a headache or do you wake in a fright and it prolongs to a headache?” “I wake up in a fright and I get a headache but I can’t fall back asleep”. “Ok, so, tell me Kaly, who are you?” “Um, I’m Kaly, mother to Cleo, I have a bachelor certificate in finance, I enjoy walking and beautiful things like buildings, gardens and antiques”. “Sorry, I meant if I asked Cleo who you are, how would she describe you?” I stop and think for a while, unsure what he wants to here “she often says I am her rock, wanting to live free, I know she sees me as troubled, brave faced and fiercely independent”. “How would you describe yourself Kaly?” “Sad, hidden, withdrawn and busy, wanting to escape the cloud”. “Are you kind Kaly?” “I don’t hurt people”. “Are you funny!” “I don’t see it” “are you scared?” “Always” “do you think you deserve a happy life?” “Yes but I don’t think I’ll have it”. “Thank you for your honesty, for the rest of the week, I want you to think of three things, 1. Who are you 2. What got you here 3. What’s your ideal world. Write it down if it easiest, there is no wrong answer. It’s purely yours and I don’t want to hear it’s because of anyone else or what others want to see, I want to hear of you and yours “. “Ok” “now let’s check your knee, your face has healed well” after he checks my knee, he lets me know I can start to bare weight on it occasionally, he hands me a walking stick, and takes the crutches. After he lives I walk outside to look at the dam, I think of what Dr Fritz has told me. I ask myself, what got me here right now. Cleo and me getting hammered at home. Argh! No, what got ME here and what did I do. I draw blank. Whilst I was in my own head I hadn’t seen Patrick standing there watching me. “Hello pretty lady”. I stare at him and smirk. “I haven’t complimented you on your new look, you were beautiful before but now you have a bit of edge to your fire cracker personality, I’d f**k ya”. Shocked at what he just said to me and blush at the same time, I smile. “I guess I should say thank you?” “Want to go to the pub?” “Sure”. I’m dressed in modest clothing, but wear a low cut top, tight Black jeans and I found some cute shoes that Frankie through in the bag. Feeling pretty hot I put some light make up on to hide my bruise and feel daring and put some lipstick on. My hair was easy to do as it had the profession touch to it, thank you Gary. I look myself in the mirror, I look strange but I feel fantastic, I don’t recognise the women looking back at myself. I smile take a deep breath, grab my walking stick and exit the room. Run straight into a set of eyes. Heart rate speeds up again. The s****l tension is so think you could cut it with a knife and still struggle to make a dint. “To much?” “Your gorgeous”. I smile. We leave the main house and begin the journey to the pub, as we enter the pub, Patrick grabs my hand, I look up at him. I can feel ants crawling under my skin, he looks at me, and say, “Kaly, I’m containing what I would love to do to you right now, I know the locals and when a beautiful women walks in those doors, I know what will be on there minds, I would like to make it an enjoyable night, can I please hold your hand?”. “Why?” “So they don’t get any ideas, they won’t bother you if your with me”. “Am I in danger of being hurt?” “No, just couldn’t stand watching Jack’s sleazy eyes all over you, little own watch him try make a move?” “I appreciate your concern Patrick, but I am no way going to hook up with Jack”. “I didn’t say that Kaly, I just thought we could relax and laugh I’m sorry, please after you”. As we walk into the bar, we get a few hello, Patrick shakes everyone’s hands and we all get introduced again, meanwhile I look around for Frankie, I notice male attention on me but then also feel Patrick’s arm on the small of my back, eyes avoided me and I have a sense death stares were being aimed at them. The publican asks for our order, I tell them not Frankies special, the bar laugh, “try this” was a beer, I take a sip, my thirst feels quenched. Nice “thanks”