A Shadow of an Illusion

Chapter 32

Menrui’s Point of View

Ilang araw na rin ang nakararaan magmula no’ng nalaman ni Cynth na mayroong espiya sa loob ng palasyo. Sa loob ng araw na ‘yon, wala siyang ginawa kung hindi ang hanapin kung sino ang taong ‘yon, at kung paano niya malalaman kung nasaan nagtatago ang taong iyon.

He did not even looked at me, nor have a dinner with me like we used to. Palagi lang siyang may ginagawa at hindi na niya naalala pang nandito ako. It seems like he was back to his old self. It seems like I was seeing Erebus again, and not the Cynth that I came to know. Not the Cynth that always have a smile for me.

Pero kahit na ganoon ang nangyayari ngayon, hindi ko pa rin maiwasang mag-isip kung gusto ko pa bang bumalik sa mundo namin o hindi na. Kahit na malamig ang pakikitungo niya sa akin ngayon, hindi ko maiwasang isipin na pagkatapos nang lahat ng ito, babalik muli kami sa dati. Iyon ay kahit na hindi ko alam kung matatapos ba talaga ito.

After all, if someone would think about it, I am that spy they were talking about. I am that person whom he was looking for. I am that person whom he accused that backstabbed him. And even so, I could not help but to think that we can still choose one another even if it is really impossible right now.

Hindi ko maiwasang isipin na pwede pa rin kaming magsama kahit na ipinapahiwatig na ng kapalaran na baka nga hindi kami ang para sa isa’t-isa. Hindi maiwasan ng puso ko na tumibok nang napaka bilis kapag siya ay naririyan lang sa paligid. Kahit na ano ata ang gawin niya, hindi na no’n mabubura pa ang nararamdaman ko para sa kaniya.

After all, sino nga ba ang tao na makakayang pigilan ang sarili niya na magmahal? Sino nga ba ang tao na makakayang sabihin sa sarili niya na tama na, kahit na hindi naman niya talaga kayang mapigilan ang damdamin niya na maramdaman iyon.

And to be prank, this is the first time that I feel in love with someone. This is the first time that I felt something like this. And somehow, it made me want to be selfish. For the first time in my life, I wanted to be selfish, and it was all because of him.

I was torned, I a really am, but as the days goes by, ang kagustuhan ko na piliin siya ay mas nanaig sa akin. Ang kagustuhan ko na makasama siya ay mas matimbang kaysa ang bumalik sa tunay kong tahanan, ang tunay na mundo kung saan talaga ako nabibilang.

Hindi ko alam. Gulung-gulo na talaga ako at sa bawat minuto, sa bawat oras, at sa bawat araw na lumulipas, mas lalo ko siyang gustong makasama. Mas lalo kong gustong manatili rito kahit na hindi ko naman alam kung gusto pa rin ba niya akong manatili rito.

There was inside me that was urging me to tell him the truth. To tell him what I trully feels. To tell him who I really am, but I don’t know if it would be the best choice for the both of us. I don’t know if it will really the best for the both of us, and to everyone that was around us.

Pero sa kabilang banda, kung sasabihin ko sa kaniya kung sino talaga ako, pwede na niyang patigilin sina Grim na hanapin ang espiya. Pwede ko ring sabihin sa kaniya na wala na akong intensiyon pa na hanapin kung ano mang impormasiyon pa ang itinatago niya. After all, our plans had changed when I saw how much he wanted to bring his old self back.

Nagbago na ang lahat ng plano ko at gusto ko na lamang siyang tulungan na ibalik ang dating siya; at gusto ko na lamang na makasama siya at kalimutan na nangyari ang lahat nang ito, bago pa man kami magkaroon ng nararamdaman para sa isa’t-isa.

“Milady,” pagtawag ng pansin ng isang napaka pamilyar na boses sa akin.

Hindi ko na kailangang lumingon pa para kumpirmahin na ang tumawag sa akin ay si Hemera. After all, she was the only one who can go inside and outside of my room as she pleases. She was the only person that I could talk to these past few days that Cynth started the investigation about the spy.

“Alam ko na naitanong ko na sa inyo ito noong mga nakaraang araw,” sabi niya matapos niyang maupo sa katabing upuan ng kinauupuan ko. Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at pinisil iyon. “Pero gusto ko pa rin sa‘yong itanong ulit ‘to.”

I did not look at her as I continued to stare at the window of my room, blankly. Hinayaan ko lang siyang magsalita dahil alam ko naman na ang sasabihin niya. Alam ko na ang sasabihin niya, dahil iyon ay paulit-ulit na niyang itinanong sa akin nitong mga nakaraang araw.

“Do you already have a decision?” she asked that same question over and over again, but I still kept quiet because I really do not know the answer to that.

Though right now, it seems like my heart was already shouting at me that I already have an answer, but I am just being in denial because I know that this decision was only the best for me. This decision will only benifit myself, and it seems like I was about to abandon my own goals, and my own work just for this.

Narinig ko ang pagbuntong hininga ni Hemera at naramdaman ko ang pag-alis niya sa pagkakahawak niya sa kamay ko. Napalingon ako sa kaniya dahil sa kaniyang ginawa. Nakita ko ang seryosong expression sa mukha niya, but I could also see the soft look on her face behind that.

“Mukhang hindi ko na pala kailangang magtanong pa dahil nakikita ko na sa mukha mo kung ano ang gusto mong piliin, Lady Menrui,” she said in a soft tone as she reached out for my hand again and squeezed it.

“Hemera,” iyon lamang ang nasabi ko sa kaniya dahil alam ko na alam na niya talaga kung ano ang desisyon ko.

I also, somehow, told her about what Elysium had told me that is why she knows my worries, and she knows that I am confused these past few days because of that.

“Milady,” she said in a soft voice as she looked at me with a small smile on her face. “Sometimes, it is better if you choose yourself. It is better if you choose what your heart is shouting. Mas mabuti rin kung hindi mo kokontrahin ang sarili mo, at piliin na lamang kung ano ba talaga ang gusto mong mangyari.”

A tear fall from my eyes as I looked down. “But in my case, that choice is never been an option, and never will be,” I whispered, but I know that she could hear what I was saying because she was so close to me. “That choice is like a dream for someone like me. A dream that I know I will never have, and I could never have.”

“But that dream, you can have it, milady.” Iyon ay ang oras na napatingin ako sa kaniya at nakita ko na naroroon pa rin ang ngiti na ‘yon sa mga labi niya. “You can have it, and change those beliefs that you are holding on. You can change those things, if you want to. At alam ko na sarili mo lang ang pumipigil sa‘yo.”

Umiwas muli ako ng tingin sa kaniya dahil hindi ko na alam kung ano ba dapat ang sabihin ko sa kaniya. Hindi ko na alam kung dapat bang pakinggang ko siya. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit parang sinasabi ni Hemera sa akin na piliin ko si Cynth kaysa sa mga bagay na ipinangako ko na gagawin ko hanggang sa mamatay ako.

She squeezed my hand again as she said, “Decide, milady, because you are the only one who can make this decision. Ikaw lang ang makakapagsabi kung ano ba talaga ang dapat gawin sa hindi.”

Hindi na ako nagsalita pa dahil patuloy lang ang na tumatakbo sa isip ko kung ano ba talaga ang dapat kong gawin. Patuloy lang akong nagugulo at hindi ko alam kung tama ba na ito pa rin ang naiisip ko kahit na alam ko na maaaring hindi niya matanggap kung sino ba talaga ako.

After that talk, Hemera let go of my hand as she bid her goodbye because according to her, she has something important to do that made me confuse.

“Wala naman akong naririnig na pinagkakaabalahan ng mga maid ngayon sa labas ng palasyo, kaya ano ang gagawin mo?” tanong ko sa kaniya nang may pagtataka.

I am sure that I right, because I heard that Cynth had instructed them not to do anything while the investigation was still on going. Dahil ayon sa kaniya, hanggang hindi niya nalalaman kung sino ang taong iyon, hindi niya rin paggagawin ng kahit ano ang mga maid para malaman agad niya kung sino ang taong nangahas na pumasok at maging espiya sa loob ng palasyo niya.

Imbis na sagutin ako ni Hemera nang diretso, ngumiti lang siya sa akin at yumuko. “Remember that whatever that could happen right after this, I am always by your side, milady, I will always believe in you even if it is your darkest times.”

Pagkatapos no’n, umalis na siya nang tuluyan at ako naman ay naiwan sa loob ng kwarto ko nang nagtataka.

Ngayon, nagtataka na rin ako sa mga ikinikilos ni Hemera. Somehow, somehow, it felt like she was saying goodbye to me as if she would leave for good. It felt like it was not the usal goodbye that she was telling me whenever she was leaving my room. It felt like there was something more than that.

Kahit na naguguluhan ako, sinubukan ko pa rin na alisin ang pagtataka ko kay Hemera at sinimulan ko nang mag-isip at magdesisyon kung ano ba talaga ang dapat kong gawin. Dapat ko nang alamin kung ano ba talaga ang tama at hindi.

After all, Hemera is right. Wala nang ibang tao na dapat magdesisyon para sa akin kung hindi ako lang. Wala nang iba pa ang kayang mag-isip ng solusyon para sa problema ko kung hindi ako lang.

And if I would tell the truth, this problem just arised because of me. Ako lang ang dapat sisihin dahil nangyari ito, at ako lang ang tanging makakapaggawa ng solusyon para rito. And the time is ticking, and I know that I do not have any time left because the day that Elysium would come and get me was already fast approaching.

Kaya namang ang ginawa ko noong araw na iyon ay isipin kung ano ba talaga ang dapat at kailangan kong gawin para matapos na itong problema na ito. And if I should really consider what Hemera had said to me. Will I really be able to choose between my goals and my want to be with him?

I sighed again as I continued to stare outside of my window, thinking of ways on how I could find a solution for this problem of mine.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang minuto, o siguro oras, akong nasa loob lamang ng kwarto ko at nag-iisip ng solusyon. Ang alam ko lamang ay madilim na sa labas nang magkaroon ako ng desisyon sa aking isip, at napagdesisyunan ko na kailangan ko nang sabihin agad kay Cynth iyon dahil iyon lamang ang tanging dahilan para matapos na ang lahat ng ito.

“I should tell him the truth now, or else, I might change my decision again as the time goes by,” I mumbled to myself as I prepared to leave my room so that I could look for Cynth.

Yep, I have decided to tell him the truth about myself. Sa isip ko kasi, malaki ang chance na matatanggap niya kung sino ako dahil na rin sa mga inaasal niya nitong mga nakaraang araw. Kahit naman na parang bumalik sa kaniya ang katauhan ni Erebus no’ng araw na nalaman niyang may espiya sa palasyo, alam ko na nagawa niya lang dahil sa frustration na nararamdaman niya.

Dahil doon, napag-isipan ko na sabihin na sa kaniya ang lahat ng nararamdaman ko, ang lahat ng itinago ko para sa kaniya, lahat ng mga bagay na kinakatukatan kong baka malaman niya, napagdesisyunan ko na sabihin na sa kaniya ang lahat ng iyon. And that includes my feelings towards him.

After all, I wanted to believe that what Hemera said is true. That I could change the beliefs that gods and goddesses were holding for so long. I wanted to believe that I could be the first one who can prove that sometimes, there is another side of that belief that we can also try to do.

With that thought in my mind, I immediately went outside of my room to find Cynth. Sa tingin ko ay nasa opisina siya dahil ayon sa mga naririnig ko sa mga katulong dito nitong mga nakaraang araw, pagkatapos na lumabas ni Cynth ng palasyo upang mag-imbestiga, agad itong babalik sa opisina niya para gumawa ng iba pang mga kailangan niyang gawin. Kaya naman, nasisiguro ko na naroroon siya sa sa opisina niya.

I do not want to ask Grim because it seems like he wanted to corner me so that I could tell him the truth, and I could not allow that. After all, I wanted Cynth to be the first one who could know the truth. I wanted to tell him everything about me, without anyone telling him that first.

Because I know that the story might get fabricated if he would hear it from someone else. I know that the truth will not come to light if someone else tell him everything about myself.

Hindi ko na pinansin pa ang mga nakatingin na mga maid at mga tauhan ni Cynth sa akin. Nagtuloy-tuloy lamang ako sa paglalakad hanggang sa marating ko ang opisina ni Cynth. Nasa labas pa lamang ako, nararamdaman ko na nasa loob siya ng opisina niya.

I took a deep breath and prepared myself to tell him everything about me, before I knocked on the door of his office as I waited for him to answer and tell me to enter.

Mukhang hindi ko na kailangan pang maghintay nang matagal dahil narinig ko ang pagsabi niya ng “Come in,” sa kabilang bahagi ng pinto na iyon. Hindi na ako nagsayang pa ng oras at agad akong pumasok sa loob ng opisina niya.

Mukhang nagulat siya dahil sa pagpasok ko, ngunit agad ding naging seryoso muli ang mukha niya. He looked away from me as he continued to write something on the paper that was on his table.

“I did not ask for you to be here,” he told me in a cold voice.

I clenched my fist as I tried to calm myself.

Kaya ko ‘to. Pinag-isipan ko ito nang mabuti kaya naman alam ko na hindi ko ito pagsisihan. Iyon ay kahit na alam ko na marami ang magagalit sa akin. Iyon ay kahit na naroroon pa rin sa puso at utak ko na gusto ko pa ring bumalik sa mundo namin.

“I know,” I mumbled, and I do not really know if he heard me or not.

“Then why are you here?” he asked me, still not looking at me. “If you know that I did not ask for you.”

Mukhang wala pa rin siya sa mood hanggang ngayon, base na rin sa tono ng pananalita niya. He still sounds so angry, and I know that he was still frustrated because of the thought of that spy. Nakikita ko rin na hindi niya gustong maistorbo ngayon.

But I did not let any of that ruin what I wanted to do. After all, just like what I had said earlier, if I will not do it right now, I might change my decisions again. I might consider changing what I wanted to do.

Kailangan ko nang sabihin ito sa kaniya. Dahil ito ang sinasabi ng puso at utak ko. Dahil ito ang gusto kong mangyari. Dahil gusto ko siyang makasama.

Kahit na gusto ko pa ring bumalik sa mundo namin, ang kagustuhan ko na makasama siya ay mas nananaig ngayon. Lalo na at nakikita ko siya at naririto sa harapan ko. Lalo na at alam ko na gusto niya ring makasama ako.

“I have to tell you something,” I said in a serious tone as I tried to hide the trembling of my voice because of nervousness.

“Is it that important that you have to go here personally?” he asked me, still focused on that d*mned paper.

“Yes,” diretsahan kong sabi sa kaniya.

That was the time when he finally looked at me, and I almost back down when I saw how cold his eyes is. He also set aside the paper he was writing as he focused his attention at me.

“What is it?”

I know that I did not imagine the soft look on his face when our eyes met, and that gave me a courage. A courage to tell him everything. A courage to tell him that I am that spy and he do not have to look for that person anymore, because I am right in front of him.

I was about to tell him what I wanted to say, but I was interrupted because the door of his office opened, and that became the reason why we both got distracted.

Nakita ko na si Grim iyon at nakatingin ito nang diretso kay Cynth, at hindi man lang niya ako binigyang pansin.

“What do you want now?” he asked Grim, irritated, maybe because he interrupted what I was about to say.

He stood straight as he said, “We already found the spy.”

And that became the reason why my heart beats faster than it ever was.