A Shadow of an Illusion

Chapter 20

A week had passed since that kind of ‘date’ between Erebus and I happened, at hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin siya nakababalik ng palasyo magmula no‘ng iniwan niya akong mag-isa sa garden na iyon.

And somehow, the moment that he was gone one my sight, I was kind of disappointed and I don’t really know why, or should I say, hindi na naman ako nagiging honest sa sarili kong nararamdaman.

Alam ko kung bakit ako nakaramdam ng pagkadismaya no‘ng iniwan niya akong mag-isa, at alam na alam ng utak at puso ko kung bakit ako nagka-gano‘n dahil lang sa kaniya, pero hindi ko magawang isipin na ang dahilan na nasa isip ko ang may kagagawan kaya ko naramdaman ang mga ‘yon.

I know, this sudden shift in Erebus’ character really hits me hard that I did not even have time to dodge it, but I reallt still could not believe that I am feeling this way for him. Dahil lang naging mabait ang pakikitungo niya sa akin, dahil lang naging maayos ang pag-uusap namin nitong mga nakaraang araw, at dahil lang sa nangyari noong pumunta kami sa garden, naramdaman ko ang bagay na ‘to.

I want to wake myself up from this daydream. I want to tell myself that this is not worth it. I want to tell myself that I have goals to achieve, but I still could not stop myself to feel this kind of thing to him. This kind of emotion I never thought I would ever feel towards someone, especially to him.

Alam ko, nangako ako kay Hemera na gagawin ko ang lahat para hindi maging sagabal ang biglang pagbabago ng pakikitungo ni Erebus sa akin sa mga plano at misyon namin, pero sa tingin ko ang bagay na ‘to ay hindi ko agad basta-basta mapipigilan pa. Or should I say, will I have a chance to stop this feeling?

Hindi ko na alam. Gulung-gulo na ang isip ko sa bagay na ‘to. Ni hindi ko nga masabi ito sa kahit sino, kahit na kina Hemera o ‘di kaya naman ay kina Fawn. Wala akong makausap na kahit sino para sana mabawasan ang mga gumugulo sa isip ko, dahil alam ko naman ang sasabihin nila. That I should stop feeling this kind of thing. That I should focus on our goals. And that I should wake up because we are so different with one another.

He is the most evil man, the one who is considered the enemy of this world, and I, on the other hand, is a Goddess that should make peace on this world and not just a simple person who could do anything she likes, because after all, I have a mission and I have to accomplish it in order for this world to be free.

I know, I said that I should not really be affected to his sudden shift of character, but I could not help but think of it always even if my mind is filled with so many things. Hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili ko na mahulog kahit na hindi ko alam kung may sasalo ba sa akin. O kung sasaluhin ba talaga niya ako dahil alam ko kung ano ang tunay na ugali ni Erebus, at alam ko sa sarili ko na hinding-hindi magkakaroon ng pagkakataon na makikita ko siyang sinalo niya ako dahil sa nararamdaman ko para sa kaniya.

Yeah. Wala rin namang patutunguhan ‘tong nararamdaman ko. Wala rin naman akong aasahan pagdating sa kaniya, pero hindi pa rin mawala sa isip ko ang posibilidad kaya ako nagkakaganito ay dahil may gusto na ako sa kaniya.

Within the week that he was gone, it felt like something was missing. Within that week, I have been thinking and sorting out my feelings, and all I could come up is only one conclusion; and that is I have feelings for him.

I know, it may sound so absurd, but that is all I could come up these past few days. Wala na ata akong ibang dahilan na naiisip na magandang explanation kaya ako nagkaka-ganito. At magmula no‘ng umalis si Erebus, wala na akong ibang inisip kung hindi siya lamang.

I have been stopping myself but I still could not help it, and that became a strong reason that I already started liking him. Kahit na pilit kong ipinapaalala sa sarili ko ang mga kasamaang ginawa niya, kahit na lagi kong kino-kontra ang nasa utak ko, hindi pa rin iyon naging sapat na dahilan para mapigilan ko ang nararamdaman ko.

I am falling and I could not stop myself from doing so.

Hindi ko na talaga alam ang gagawin ko. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang mararamdaman ko. Akala ko sa isang linggo na wala siya sa loob ng palasyo, makakahanap pa ako ng paraan para mapigilan ang nararamdaman ko, pero ang nangyari ay mas nahulog pa ako kahit na wala naman siya sa tabi ko.

The thought of everything that he does these past few days makes me miss him. Lahat nang ginawa niya sa akin, ang pag-uusap namin ng mga bagay na masasabi kong normal na dapat pag-usapan ng isang mag-asawa, ang lagi niyang pagsabay sa akin sa pagkain, lahat nang ‘yon ay nami-miss ko kahit na simple lang ‘yon.

I messed my hair because of irritation. Bakit ba kahit na ano ang gawin ko, naiisip ko pa rin siya? Kahit na wala siya sa tabi ko, hindi ko maiwasang isipin ang lahat ng bagay na ginagawa namin kapag magkasama kaming dalawa.

Funny that just because he became so nice to me, I already grown to have feelings for him. Kahit na hindi no‘n mababago ang mga bagay na ginawa niya sa mga tao rito, hindi pa rin iyon naging dahilan para hindi ako mahulog sa kaniya.

I want to blame myself because I feel this way for him, but I could not do so because after all, is liking someone a crime? Maybe in my case, it is because of the horrible things that he had done, but it was never enough to stop myself from liking him.

I hugged my knees as I sighed. Nasa kwarto lang ako ngayon dahil hindi ko gustong lumabas o gumawa ng kahit ano. Dahil sa mga iniisip ko, naaapektuhan na no‘n ang mga kailangan kong gawin. And speaking of work, I still have a lot to do in order to get all the information that we needed, but I could not make myself to do it.

Ang dami kong oras na nasayang nitong nakaraang linggo dahil lang sa pag-iisip ko kung bakit ako nakararamdam ng ganito sa tuwing maiisip ko siya. Ang tanging gumagalaw lang ay ‘yong tatlong nag-offer na tulungan ako, at alam ko na nahihirapan silang kumuha ng iba pang mga impormasyon dahil sa higpit ng seguridad sa loob ng palasyo nitong mga nakaraang araw. At ako lang nag-iisang kayang gumawa ng paraan para makakuha kami ng impormasyon nang walang nakapapansin sa amin, pero dahil dito, hindi ko sila masyadong matulungan.

It felt like I became useless just because I got affected of my feelings for him, and I hate it. I am not like this kind of person and I never think of my personal feelings over my mission, but when it comes to him, all I could think of was my feelings to him, and I wanted to smack myself because of that.

I continued to blame myself over and over again, until the door in my room opened and I don’t have to look at it because after all, the only person who can enter my room is Hemera alone. Tinignan ko na lamang ang oras dahil sigurado akong hindi pa oras ng hapunan ngayon pero nandito na agad siya.

“You are early today,” I said and I could not hide the tiredness on my voice.

Sa isang linggong nakalipas, wala akong maayos na tulog. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung kailan pa ako natulog ng mas matagal sa limang oras. Maybe before he invited me in that garden was the last time that I have a more than five hours sleep? I don’t know, really, because right when I started ‘living’ here, all I did was to think and think and I never really had a chance to have a sleep that I wanted.

Narinig ko ang pagbuntong hininga niya bago siya lumapit sa akin. Kagaya ng ginawa niya noong huli kaming nag-usap tungkol sa problem ko, sinuklay niya ang aking buhok gamit ang daliri niya. It was soothing but it never lessen my worries about Erebus.

Ang totoo nga na‘n, kapag ginagawa niya ‘yon ay nagi-guilty ako dahil alam kong wala na akong nagawa para tumulong sa kanila sa paghahanap ng mga impormasyon. It was like I became a useless Goddess and I never wanted to be called like that.

“I’m not here because I wanted to call you for dinner,” sabi niya sa akin at alam ko agad na iba ang intensiyon niya kaya siya pumunta rito.

“Then, why are you here?” I asked her as if I don’t have any clue why she is here, but the truth is I know that she already noticed that something is wrong with me.

And my guess got confirmed when she said, “Napapansin ko nitong mga nakaraang araw na wala ka sa sarili mo.” Hindi ako tumingin sa kaniya pero nagpatulog lang ako sa pakikinig kung ano ang sasabihin niya. “In fact, I am not the only one who noticed this. Helios and Fawn also noticed that something is wrong with you.”

Pilit akong tumawa dahil sa sinabi niya. Was I that obvious? To the point that even those two who seems like they were so serious about their lives noticed that something is wrong with me? But even if I knew about it, I still could not stop myself from thinking of everything that happened.

“So, Milady, care to tell me what is happening to you?” tanong niya sa akin kaya napa-tingin ako sa kaniya pero agad din akong nag-iwas dahil alam ko na malalaman kaagad niya kung bakit ako nagkaka-ganito. “We are worried about you, you know.”

My heart throbe because of pain when she said that. I felt guilty that they have to be worried about me when in fact, this is my own personal problem. Hindi nila kailangang mag-alala sa akin dahil lang dito. Hindi nila kailangang makaramdam ng ganoon para sa akin dahil ang dahilan kung bakit ako nagkaka-ganito ay dahil sa nararamdaman ko kay Erebus.

I was about to tell her that it is nothing, but I saw the firm expression on her face as if she will not accept that I will that to her.

“Alam kong hindi lang basta-basta ang dahilan kung bakit ka nagkaka-ganito, Lady Menrui,” she said and my back stiffened because of that. “You can tell me what’s bothering you so that I can help you.”

I looked down again when she said that. Hindi ko masabi sa kaniya ang dahilan kung bakit ako nagkaka-ganito. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sisimulan. Hindi ko alam kung kaya ko bang sabihin sa kaniya na kaya ako nagkaka-ganito ay dahil nagka-gusto ako kay Erebus.

Kay Erebus na nagbigay ng sakit sa kanila na kailanman ay hindi mahihilom. Si Erebus na kinuha ang lahat ng dapat ay sa kanila na alam kong nagdala ng sobrang pagka-galit at pagka-muhi sa kaniya. Si Erebus na itinuturing na kaaway ng mundong ito.

How can I tell her that I grown to like Erebus when all he did in this world is to bring pain? How can I tell her my worries if I am not even sure if I could really say it to her, or anyone?

“Is it because of him?” tanong niya pero hindi ako umimik.

Dahil sa isip ko, siya naman talaga ang dahilan kung bakit ako nagkaka-ganito. Siya naman talaga ang puno‘t-dulo ng lahat ng ito.

It looks like Hemera already knows that it was really him because I heard her sighed. “Didn’t I told you that you should get accustomed to his sudden shift of character?” tanong niya pero hindi pa rin ako umimik. “Sinabi ko na sa‘yo na dapat masanay ka na sa mga bagay na ginagawa niya dahil iyon rin naman ang makabubuti para sa iyo, Milady.”

Napa-buntong hininga ako dahil sa sinabi niya. Alam ko iyon. Alam ko dahil ipina-ulit-ulit ko sa utak ko na dapat akong masanay sa mga pagbabago sa kaniya, pero hindi ko alam na kapag nasanay na ako sa pagbabago niya, hahanap-hanapin ko iyon kapag wala siya.

“Milady...”

Hindi ko na pinatapos pa ang iba pang sasabihin ni Hemera at nagsimula na akong magsalita. After all, I know that I could not hide this kind of thing from her, nor to Helios and Fawn, because after all, they were the people who already know almost everything about me.

“I know that I should get use to it, and I believe that I did,” sabi ko kaya napa-tigil siya sa pagsasalita at nakinig sa akin. “But I never knew that because of that, I will develope a feelings for him.”

I heard her gasped because of what I said, but I did not bother to look at her as I tightly hugged my knees and continued to tell her my worries.

“You see, nitong mga nakaraang nakasama ko siya, naramdaman ko ang kakaibang pagtibok ng puso ko at alam ko na kung ano iyon. I am not dumb to not notice that I am slowly falling for him.” I clenched my fist after I said that.

Kung alam ko lang na ganoon ang magiging epekto sa akin ng pagbabago ng ugali ni Erebus sa tuwing magkasama kami, sana pala ay tumanggi na lang ako sa tuwing iimbitahan niya akong samahan siya. Dapat pala pinigilan ko na ang sarili ko no‘ng simula pa lamang, para hindi na naging isang malaking problema pa ito.

“I should have stopped myself so that I won’t feel this kind of thing towards him.” Tumingin ako kay Hemera at nakita ko ang seryosong expression sa mukha niya kaya mapait akong napa-ngiti. “I should have told myself that it’s enough because it might my mission, but I could not do anything because after a week that he was gone, I started to sort out my feelings and I know, even if I deny it to myself, that I started liking him.”

Tears started to fall in my eyes and I could see that Hemera panicked because of that. “Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko, Hemera. Gulung-gulo na ako. Ni hindi na nga ako naka-tulong sa inyong tatlo nitong mga nakaraang araw dahil dito. Gusto kong manisi pero alam ko naman na ako lang ang dapat sisihin dahil dito. Ako lang dapat ang sisihin dahil ako ang nakaramdam ng ganito sa kaniya.”

I started sobbing as I tired to wipe away my tears but it just continued to fall. Naramdaman ko ang pagyakap ni Hemera at mas lalo akong na-guilty dahil dito sa nararamdaman ko.

Why does it have to go in this way? May nagawa ba akong mali kaya naging ganito ang lahat? May kailangan ba akong pagbayaran kaya ako pinaparusahan nang ganito? Kung gano‘n nga ang dahilan, bakit pati ang misyon ko ay kailangang maapektuhan?

Lahat ng buhay ng tao sa mundong ito ay naka-salalay sa mga kamay ko. Kung hindi ko matatapos ang misyon na ‘to, siguradong hinding-hindi na kami magkakaroon ulit ng chance para magawa ulit ito.

“Milady, you should calm down, alright?” sabi ni Hemera sa akin habang hinahagod ang likod ko para patahanin ako. “I know it is confusing right now. I know that you think that there is no solution about this, but trust me, Milady, you will find an answer, maybe not today, but it will come soon. And you just need to wait for that day to come.”

I cried harder because of what she said. Mga ilang minuto pa akong umiyak hanggang sa naramdaman ko na wala na akong iluluha pa.

“Are you angry because I like him?” I asked her after a few minutes that I calmed down.

Hindi ako maka-tingin sa kaniya dahil sa takot sa kung ano mang expression ang nasa mukha niya, pero wala akong nagawa nang hawakan niya ang magkabilang balikat ko para matitigan niya ako.

i was shock when I saw that she has a smile on her face as she shook her head and said, “Liking someone is never been a crime, Milady. You just fall for him. That’s all you did, and I never heard that someone got arrested just because he liked someone,” she said and she even joked at the end that made me laugh a little.

Her smile widen when she heard me laugh. “There is the Lady Menrui that I know,” sabi niya at lumayo na sa akin. Sumeryoso rin ang mukha niya at sinabing, “I will become serious right now, Milady.”

Tumango lang ako sa kaniya at tinitigan siya. Hemera always give me advices and I know that she will give me one right now because of how serious she is.

“Ikaw lang ang makakapagsabi kung ano ang tama at hindi, kaya naman nasa iyo rin ang huling desisyon kung ano ang gagawin mo.” Tumango lang ako nang sinabi niya ‘yon.

I know that, and I know that my desire to finish my mission and free this world is much more important than my feelings for him, so I know what I should do.

I was about to thank her because of what she told me, but I was interrupted because of the sudden explosion outside my room.

My smile was gone in an instant and it was turned into a serious one as I looked at Hemera. We nodded at the same time before we went to my door.

And as we opened it, one of Erebus’ knight went to our side as he shouted, “Someone invaded the palace!”