A Shadow of an Illusion

Chapter 19

“Hemera!” agad kong tawag kay Hemera nang maka-pasok siya sa kwarto ko.

Oras kasi ngayon ng paglilinis niya ngayon kaya naman hindi na nakakapagtaka na nandito siya sa loob ng kwarto ko.

Nakita ko ang pagka-gulat sa mukha niya dahil sa biglang pagtawag ko sa kaniya pero hindi ko na iyon pinansin dahil may malaki akong problema ngayon. At kung hindi ko iyon masasabi sa kahit sino, baka mabaliw na ako nang tuluyan.

“What is it, milady?” she calmly asked as she put aside the cleaning materials that she brought.

She went to sit on the sofa in the corner of my room so I follwed her there and sat beside her as I sighed dramatically. Hinagod niya naman ang buhok ko na parang pinapakalma niya ako pero hindi iyon gumana dahil ang daming mga tanong ang tumatakbo sa isip ko ngayon.

“He asked me...” Hindi ko na matapos ang sasabihin ko dahil sa biglang pagbilis ng t***k ng puso ko.

Hindi ko alam kung may sakit ba ako sa puso, na imposible dahil isa akong Goddess, o may ibang dahilan, na alam kong ito naman talaga ang may kagagawan pero ayaw ko lang aminin sa sarili ko, kaya ako ngakakaganito.

“He asked you what?” tanong ni Hemera habang hindi pa rin siya tumitigil sa pagsuklay sa buhok ko gamit ang kamay niya.

“He asked me if how was my day!” I finally told her what runs into my mind this time. “He asked me that as if we are a couple that is in love with one another and he acted as if it was normal for him to ask me that!” I panicked when I thought of that time again that he asked me that question.

Hindi ko alam kung anong klaseng espirito ang sumanib sa kaniya para itanong niya sa akin ‘yon at hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ako nagpa-panic ng ganito. Maybe because I never thought that this day would come that Erebus will ask me something like that?

I don’t know! My mind is full of maybes right now and I wanted to slap myself to keep me from doing this kind of overthinking. Ilang beses ko na ring sinabihan ang sarili ko na hindi siya worth it pag-isipan nang ganito, pero hindi ko pa rin mapigilan ang sarili ko na mag-isip nang mag-isip.

I heard Hemera sighed because of what I said then she stopped combing my hair that made me look at her and I backed down because I saw the pointed look on her face.

“Milday,” she said in a warning tone. “Hindi ba ora na ‘to para masanay ka na gano‘n na ang pakikitungo niya sa‘yo? It’s been what? Weeks since he started doing that yet here you are acting as if it was something so new even if it was already happening everyday. And you have been telling me this for almost every single day, and I am getting tired of giving you the same advice over and over again you know.”

I sighed because of what she said. Napa-tahimik ako at nagsimulang mag-isip na naman.

Hindi naman talaga ‘yon ang kinakatakot ko. I am afraid of this feeling inside me whenever he was asking me that. I am afraid to tell myself what it really means because I don’t to have this feelings. Not to anyone, and especially not to him.

I am not dumb to not notice this kind of thing. I am not dumb to not to think of this. But I guess, I am getting dumb because I kept on refusing that I am feeling this towards him.

Walang may alam. Not even Hemera, or anyone else. Ako lamang ang may alam kung bakit ako nagkakaganito. Ang tanging ginagawa ko lang nitong mga nakaraang araw ay ang sabihin kay Hemera ang mga ginagawa ni Erebus para naman mabawasan ng kahit kaunti ang pino-problema ko.

“Milady,” tawag sa akin ni Hemera. I did not bother to look at her because my mind already started to think of everything. “What are you getting afraid of?” she asked me, calmly.

Doon ako nagka-lakas ng loob para tignan siya bago ko ibinulong, “I don’t know really.”

At totoo iyon. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako natatakot. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako nagkakaganito. SIguro, dahil alam ko na ang dahilan kung bakit pero pilit ko pa ring pinipigilan ang sarili ko na aminin kung ano talaga ito. Pilit kong ipinapaalala sa sarili ko na hindi ako nagpunta para maramdaman ito.

“Milady,” tawag muli sa akin ni Hemera pero nanatiling nakayuko ako at hindi tumitingin sa kaniya. “You have to get use to it. We have a goal, remember?”

Right. I have a mission, and I don’t really have a time to panic about this. Maraming tao ang umaasa sa akin para mailigtas ang mundong ito. Umaasa rin ang mga Gods and Goddesses sa mundo namin na makababalik ako nang alam lahat ng impormasyon tungkol kay Erebus.

I should not think of this or else everything might get ruined. Much worse than that, Erebus might find out that I am a spy that has a mission that’s why I’m here.

“Yeah. I don’t forget that,” I mumbled softly then I sighed.

Yeah. Hindi ko na dapat ito iniisip pa. Marami pa kaming kailangang gawin. Marami pa kaming kailangang malaman, at hindi ko dapat iniisip ang mga ganitong bagay. I should focus on my goals so that this world could feel the real meaning of freedom.

Tumingin ako kay Hemera at nakita ko ang ngiti sa mga labi niya, as if she was proud of me. “That’s the milady that I know. You should overcome this. You should set your priorities right in order for us to succeed.”

Ngumiti ako sa kaniya at tumango. “I will do that,” I whispered again.

Pagkatapos no‘n ay hindi na kami nag-usap pa. Nagsimula na lang siyang maglinis ng kwarto ko at ako naman ay naiwang nag-iisip sa sofa kung saan kami nag-usap kanina.

Hindi ko talaga maiwasang mag-isip lalo na at gusto kong kontrahin ang lahat ng pumapasok sa utak ko. Kahit na sinabi ko kay Hemera kani-kanina lang, hindi ko talaga mapigilan ang sarili ko na mag-panic at mag-isip nang mag-isip.

It seems like my mind doesn’t want me to forget the sudden change of Erebus’ attitude towards me. At kahit na hindi ko aminin, alam ko na sa akin lang nagbago ang pakikitungo niya, dahil nakikita ko na ganoon pa rin ang pag-trato niya sa mga tauhan at maid sa loob ng palasyo.

But I have to get use to it. Tama si Hemera. Hindi dapat ako nagpapa-apekto sa kaniya dahil lang sa biglang pagbabago ng pakikitungo niya sa akin. I have to get use to it because I know that I still needed to stay a little longer inside the palace in order to fulfill our goals. I should set this feeling aside because I have no time for this. And I know that I will never have time for something like this.

Maraming tao pa ang kailangan naming iligtas sa mga kamay niya. Marami pang mga tao ang naghihirap nang dahil sa kaniya, at ako lang ang nag-iisang susi para mapigilan siya sa anumang mga plano niya sa mundong ito. Right. I should think of our goals and mission first before anything else.

With that thought in my mind, I clenched my fist and I was determined to do what was in my mind. After all, that is the real reason why I am here. I am not here because I just wanted to check out this world, but because I have mission that I have to fulfill or else everything that we have done up until this time will just be nothing.

“Mukhang may na-realize ka kaya gan’an ang mukha mo,” sabi ni Hemera na nakapagpatingin sa akin sa direksiyon niya.

Mukhang tapos na siyang maglinis dahil naka-upo na ulit siya sa isa sa mga sofa na naririto sa loob ng kwarto ko. Nakita ko rin na naayos na niya ang mga gamit na dapat niyang ayusin sa loob ng kwarto ko na nakapag-kumpirma ng nasa isip ko.

i just smiled at her and it looks like she already got what I just realized because she smiled proudly at me. She even went on my side as she patted my back.

“Then, milady, I hope that you can really overcome this not-so really serious problem of yours,” she said and I know that she was just teasing me but I still couldn’t help but to pout.

Gano‘n ba talaga ako mukhang stress nitong mga nakaraang araw para sabihin niya ‘yon? But I guess I am because I know how I look whenever I overthink. Mukha akong hindi nakakatulog nang ayos at mukha akong laging lutang dahil sa dami ng mga tanong na pumapasok sa utak ko. At hindi ko man aminin sa sarili ko, alam kong gano‘n ang itsura ko nitong mga nakaraang araw.

And I am blaming it all to Erebus because after all, his sudden change of attitude towards me really freaked me out that made me think many things for countless of days eversince I met and talked with Elysium.

“Then I guess I have to go now, milday,” sabi ni Hemera na nakapagpabalik sa akin sa kasalukuyan.

Ngumiti lang ako sa kaniya at tumango. Hindi na rin ako nagsalita o nag-utos sa kaniya ng kung ano dahil sa tingin ko ay okay naman na ako rito sa loob ng kwarto ko. Hindi ko na rin naman planong lumabas pa ng kwarto ko hanggang dinner time dahil wala naman akong balak gawin na kahit ano.

I don’t think I have much energy to do something even if I am just literally sitting all day and doing nothing. Maybe because this overthinking for countless of days now already got better of me that’s why I feel so tired even if I did nothing.

Tumayo ako para ihatid si Hemera sa pinto ng kwarto ko kahit na hindi ko naman talaga kailangang gawin ‘yon. I just felt like doing it now, and I don’t think that Hemera has any complain about it.

Mukhang alam naman na niya kung ano ang gusto kong gawin dahil nginitian niya ako bago siya yumuko sa akin. Tumango lang ako at akmang bubuksan niya ang pinto ng kwarto ko pero nakarinig kami ng pagkatok sa kabilang panig n’on kaya naman napatingin ulit kami sa isa’t-isa.

Hemera frowned at me and asked, “Did he tell you that he will go to your room at this time of the day?”

Umiling lang ako at kumunot ang noo. Alam ko naman na si Erebus ang nakatok sa pinto ko o kung hindi man siya, isa iyon sa mga tauhan niya o di kaya ay si Grim, pero ang hindi ko maisip ay kung ano ang kailangan niya sa oras na ito.

It was just only three in the afternoon and I am sure that he was busy with something because the palace still have an issue, that’s why I know that he will not ask for me nor personally go to my room.

Kahit naman lagi na kaming sabay sa pagkain at lagi niya na akong kinakausap, hindi naman ibig sabihin no’n na hindi na siya abala sa iba pang mga bagay dito sa palasyo. Ang totoo nga n’an, nakikita ko siyang laging abala sa mga gawain dito sa loob ng palasyo pero nagagawa pa rin niyang sumabay sa akin sa pagkain.

“I will open the door for you, milady,” sabi ni Hemera at tumango lang ako sa kaniya bilang pagsang-ayon sa suhestiyon niya.

i took a deep breath as Hemera opened the door. We both prepared ourselves to see who it was, and we both have the same expression on our face, a shocked look to be specific, when we saw Erebus on the other side of the door.

My shock was turned into a frown because I thought that he told me that he was busy today so I thought that he won’t be able to see me or rather talk to me, except for dinner time though.

And yes, minsan kapag hindi siya masyadong busy sa kung ano, pumupunta rin siya sa kwarto ko para mag-usap. Just like how a normal husband and wife should do, even if we are so far from being a normal couple.

Anyways, I could see how shock Hemera is because of him and I almost shook my head because of it. Mukhang kahit na siya lagi ang nagbibigay ng advice sa akin, hindi rin niya maiwasang hindi magulat na kaharap namin si Erebus ngayon. Her shock look on Erebus was turned into a questiong look when she looked at me.

I gave her an ‘I told you’ look before I turned to look at Erebus. “May kailangan ka sa‘kin?” tanong ko sa kaniya makalipas ang ilan pang mga minuto.

“I want you to come with me.” Iyon lang ang sinabi niya at tumalikod na.

Binigyan ulit ako ni Hemera ng nagtatanong na tingin pero nagkibit balikat lang ako dahil hindi ko rin alam kung bakit biglang umakto ng gano‘n si Erebus.

Kahit na nagtataka ako sa kinikilos niya, nag-decide pa rin akong sundan siya para malaman kung bakit siya pumunta sa kwarto ko. I have a hunch that he was up to something so I tried to be cautious even though he never done anything these past few days.

Sinundan ko lang siya hanggang sa makarating kami sa labas ng palasyo kung nasaan ang garden nito. May iba’t-ibang klase ng bulaklak ang naroroon at hindi ko maiwasang mamangha sa gandang taglay ng lugar na ‘yon.

It was my first time in that part of the palace because I never really had a chance to explore more about it because I was too focus to get information about him. And this is the first time that I saw something beautiful about this palace. I smiled to myself because of that thought.

“Let’s go this way,” sabi ni Erebus kaya napabaling ako sa direksiyon niya bago ako tumango at sumunod sa kaniya kahit na nagtataka pa rin ako sa kinikilos niya.

Pumunta kami sa pinaka centro ng garden na iyon at doon ko lang napansin ang mesa at upuan na naroroon. It is a table for two and I could see that there was a food prepared, and I know that it is for the both of us.

My heart beats faster because somehow, somehow this felt like a date. A date between a couple that are in love with each other, and again, our relationship with one another is far from that.

“I asked the maids to prepare this for the both of us,” he said, shyly.

Tumingin ako sa direksiyon niya para siguraduhing siya talaga ang nagsalita dahil sa isip ko, baka niloloko lang ako ng utak ko.

“So what are we waiting for?” tanong niya sa akin bago siya ngumiti nang pagka-tamis-tamis. “Let’s go eat.”

Kahit na gulat at nagtataka pa rin ako sa mga nangyayari ngayon, tumango ako sa sinabi niya at umupo na sa upuan na naroroon. Ganoon rin ang ginawa niya at laking gulat ko nang ipaghain niya ako ng pagkain sa harapan ko.

Hindi ko pa rin maiwasang tanungin ang sarili ko kung si Erebus ba talaga ang nasa harap ko ngayon. If what he did these past few days was shocking, what he is doing right now shocked me more. It seems as if he was possessed by something and my heart could not help but to beat faster than ever before.

“Ano pa ang hinihintay mo?” tanong niya sa akin dahil mukhang napansin niya na kanina pa ako naka-titig sa kaniya.

I snapped out of my thoughts and just shook my head at him. I smiled too so that he could really believe that it was nothing as I started to eat.

Kahit na maraming tanong sa isip ko, hindi ko na lang pinansin iyon ay in-enoy ang pagkain sa harapan ko. And I am being cautious of course. It was Erebus that was in front of me after all.

Ilang minuto lang kaming tahimik na kumakain at akala ko ay ganoon na lang iyon sa buong oras na naroroon kami, pero nagkamali ako dahil nagsimulang magsalita si Erebus.

He asked me questions and I gladly answered it not-so honestly, and sometimes, if I feel like it, I will ask him questions too and to my shock, he answered it immediately. He never mentioned anything about killings, wars, or enemies, and we are just talking casually with one another so I did not really bother to mention it too.

We did not even know that time had already passed because we were so engrossed with our talk, and for the first time since I arrived here, this is the longest time that I talked to him without even fighting over a single thing. It shocks me big time but I never thought of that because I enjoyed talking to him to the point that I even laughed to what he said to me.

Our talk were cut off when Grim arrived on where we are. Agad itong lumapit kay Erebus at may ibinulong kay Erebus. Kumunot lang ang noo ko dahil nakita ko ang biglang pagbabago sa expression ni Erebus dahil sa kung ano mang ibinulong ni Grim sa kaniya.

And just like that, he stood up from his seat and turned to leave without even bothering to give me a single glance.

And I was left in that garden wondering what happened.