Multiversal sadness

Up untill this point my life has amounted to nothing , I was never the clever kid nor the popular kid , you usually find those 2 traits come hand in hand I guess I was just the fat kid who went under the radar , I stuck out so much that I never stuck out to anyone I like to think of myself as a metaphorical paradox , and for those of you that might not get what I mean when I say that it means I’m a walking contradiction , someone who wants love but at the exact same time never want to be loved , I want to be happy and a life filled with joy but at the same time I want to be sad and never have joy , I’m the to be or not to be both at the same time but I digress , I guess what you guys are wandering why at this point is what’s changed now why has my life amounted to something at last and why at this point in my life when things have changed for me , and it’s actually a good change , one that should be making me feel amazing and positive BUT and yes there’s always a but , this change has left me feeling more depressed and hopeless then I’ve ever felt , I think I might be ready to take my life for the first time but I promise you this won’t be the last time I take my own life , and yes you probably sat there thinking well I don’t think you cant do suicde more then once , then you’d be damm wrong and I’ll show you that you can but I’m getting way ahead of my self here I’m gonna start from the begging .