Ruin Me

The sky was a perfect robins egg blue, white fluffy clouds dotted the sky here and there. The distant sound of traffic could be heard from the highway just a few feet from me as I walked down the sidewalk. I wore a grey sweatshirt two sizes too big, a pair of faded denim jeans and a pair of worn black sneakers. I pulled my shoulder length brown hair up in a high pony tail and tried not to garner attention as I walked from the large thrift store to the bus stop. Today had not been my day. I had been late to work, my boss had yelled at me for twenty minutes, my purse had been stolen and my boss said I was lying about it. At the very least I had a pack of cigarettes and twenty match matchbook. If it hadn’t been so windy I would have lit one of my cigarettes and inhaled the poison smoke happily. It was an uncharacteristically windy day for July in Sacramento California. Of course it was. Today, after all, was my lucky day. Still, even with the hot wind blowing in my face I could feel sweat trickling down my back. I refused to take my sweatshirt off. I had old scars that covered my arms. They were remnants of a past I wished I could forget. A past that haunted my dreams and made demons that lived in the back of my mind. I learned a long time how to quiet that part of my mind. I filled it with hobbies and taking care of my son. His sweet smile melted my heart. His chubby cheeks and his olive eyes. He was all I had and all I needed. I looked up after hearing a car honk at me. Rudely tearing me away from my thoughts. It was a red Toyota Corolla, with rusted spots on both doors and the hood. I saw him look at me and tried to walk faster. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. I thought anxiously. Don’t see me. Please don’t see me. I heard a loud screeching sound and he pulled in front of me suddenly blocking my path. His long hair was in a ponytail low on his head, he wore a red bandanna and an Ozzy beanie. He wore a black Metallica shirt and black cargo pants. He had thin lips a long nose with a small slope, his face was round without being fat. His eyes were the color of the sky, they were deep and seemed to pierce through my soul. I almost couldn’t breathe. Then he spoke and I couldn’t understand what he was saying. I was still in shock. “I’m sorry, what?” I said looking at him “I didn’t understand you.” “Oh I just needed to tell you how gorgeous you are.” He smiled “Oh… eh… thank you.” I smiled “ My name’s Hope.” “Everyone calls me Ozzy.” He smiled “Oh like Ozzy Osborn!” I said excitedly “Exactly,” he smiled, “Hey, here’s my card.” He tried to hand my a business card with the name Ozzy on it with his number underneath it. “Oh I’ll loose that!” I laughed , “ Why don’t I call you and then we’ll both have each other’s number?” “Sure.” He said I called him and hung up making sure to save his number in my phone. I smiled and looked up at him. “Okay it’s done just text me whenever.” I smiled “oh hey do you have a lighter by chance?” “ Yeah,” he pulled one out from his glove box. It was a clear blue one “just go ahead and keep it.” “Oh thank you so much!” I smiled and walked away as he drove off. Stranger things have happened I thought. He’ll probably forget about me. He’s a little weird isn’t he? I sighed lighting my cigarette in hailing the poisonous smoke feeling my body tingle as it absorbed the nicotine. I was hopelessly addicted but it was okay. I was fine with being an addict. I watched him quickly turn around and pull in front of me. I stopped for a second more confused than afraid. I walked towards his car and c****d my head to the side. “Is everything Okay?” I asked “Your number didn’t show up on my phone.” He smiled, light filling his baby blue eyes. “Oh… I’ll call you again.” I smiled taking my phone out of my pocket and calling him until it went to voicemail mail. “Thanks sexy.” He smiled “Can I give you a ride?” “Sure.” I said smiling, “Can you take me to the bus stop.” “Hey are you in a rush to get home?” He smiled it made butterflies flutter in my stomach. “No not really,” my son was with my sister for a few days and the worst thing he’d do was kill me anyways, it was worth the risk, “I can stay out a little later today.” “Well, hope in then.” He said opening the passenger car door. I slid in without thinking. His car was to hot but he pushed the vents so they would blow cold air on my face. Maybe I thought he was being sweet. No one had ever treated me fairly. I grew up poor in a two bedroom house with five siblings and the road was so full of potholes it may as well been gravel. Most people had treated me like the w*********h they believed I was. He at least was trying to be nice. “Do you mind if I smoke in your car?” I asked smiling. “Sure, just roll down the windows.” He said “So… why do you look so sad?” “Huh? I honestly don’t know.” I said lighting my cigarette “ I look sad sometimes, I guess.” “ Ah I see.” He said softly side glancing at me, “So why were you on that street? You know what Auburn boulevard is know for right?” “Yeah. I know. I don’t do that!” I laughed, “So what do you do then?” He asked “I work at the big thrift store in the back on the main production line.” I smiled “I love it. Everyone is great.” “That’s cool.” He smiled “Yeah I guess. So where do you work?” I asked I didn’t want to talk about myself to much. “At Del Taco.” He said, “I work in back. I see no smiles.” “Huh” he was a little weird “I work in the back as a cook “Oh I gotcha.” I said blowing smoke out the window. “ you know I used to smoke.” He said “I could help you quit if you want to.” “No thanks. I think I’m going to die with a cigarette in my hand.” I laughed “Or cancer will kill me. “ He seemed to think about that for a while. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking or what he might decide but I was okay with it. I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to tell him just yet. I wasn’t sure what I could trust him with. I listened to the music he had playing on the radio. Avenged sevenfold played and I happily sang along forgetting that not everyone did that. I embarrassingly got very into the lyrics and danced in the seat. I heard him laugh a little. “You should sing with me!” I said excitedly “No thanks. I don’t sing.” He said smiling “ I like watching you sing though.” “It’ll be fun.” I said broadening my smile “Nah. I need to focus on driving.” He smiled. “ Sure thing then.” I smiled and began singing trying to get him to join. He turned down a few roads as we decided just to drive around town until sundown when I had to go home. I had him drop me off a block away. I wasn’t ready for him to see my apartment just yet. I lived in a huge three thousand unit complex. I was on the floor and had two apartments above me. There were two parks and a child’s play area as well as a pool area on the grounds. This was my favorite place. I belonged here. I was happy so long as my other sister wasn’t here with me. She usually called me names and blamed me for the state of the house even though I was hardly home. If it continued I was going to ban her from coming over anymore. She had a really bad attitude I had to ban her from watching my son because she had been asking for more than I could feasibly pay her. It hadn’t ended well but we were doing our best to get along after our father begged me to try to understand her feelings. It was hard but I managed to get along with her. It was just hard to get along with someone who was always critical of you. I preferred to live a peaceful life free of drama. I read my romance books, cleaned my home, and ran a few miles every day to stay in shape. I was actually very healthy and very fit. I prided myself in that. I had suffered from anorexia when I was younger and was now very healthy at one hundred twenty ponds and five feet eight. I had a perfect hourglass shape. Large d cup breasts a slender long waist with wide hips and a bubble butt and muscular thighs that were just soft enough to squeeze. My skin was soft and creamy white with cool undertones, my pale olive green eyes gave a hint to my heritage. My pouty lips were red, I had high cheek bones and my eyes were big and almond shaped with long dark lashes. I was called many things growing up. My sisters always said I was lucky I could pass. It was just my fathers genes though. I had his skin. I had my bio moms looks. She died shortly after having me. My father had been married three times. Each woman had given him children. My mother had given him me. She was murdered late one night when I was four years old. I was told she was dragged behind a building and r***d and then beaten to death. I never knew her or her family. Her family didn’t like my dad and said they didn’t want to meet me because of him. I always felt as if there was a part of me that was missing. I never wanted my son to grow up without a parent or knowing love from both sides of his family. He was close to all of us. The only person he would never know was his father. He had served in the army and died while on active duty. It was one year after we were married and just weeks before I gave birth to him. Some things were unavoidable. We can only hope to not to give our children what was given to us. So far I did the same but also I did better. I smiled softly as I opened the heavy wooden door to my apartment. Thinking of my mother and my late husband always made my heart heavy. My apartment was large with white carpet and white walls. We had a small kitchen and a small hall way with my roommates room and bathroom closest to the living room. My room was at the end with my son in the middle. It was a good size and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I walked to my room and stripped out of my old sweaty clothes and walked to the bathroom. I had small scars climbing up and down my arms, my shoulders had a few dotted here and there and there were some on my back some one my stomach. There was one on my neck that my hair covered. I looked at my scars, maybe one day they would fade away. I filled the full tub with water almost to hot to bear and poured epsom salt and milk bath mix in and hoped in. The warm water caressed my skin making me feel amazing. My muscles and joints ached as I sunk chin deep into the water. I wanted to let the stress of the day to just melt away. Let the water wash away all my mistakes I silently prayed. I laid there looking at the ceiling glad I was alone for the rest of the night. I had never been afraid of the night nor was I afraid of being alone. I enjoyed the quiet. Most of my friends felt the same way, they understood my love of silence and how I would on occasion not talk to anyone for a few months. I would always come back though. I loved them. I just sometimes needed to recharge for a while. I grabbed a loofah and a bar of unscented soap. I loved the clean smell of dove unscented soap, it just smelled so clean. The scent relaxed me in ways I couldn’t explain. I quickly scrubbed my body knowing I was trying to clean parts of me that my loofah and soap would never be able to touch. You couldn’t wash the soul. Mine had been wounded and broken and it had been stained… I don’t know if it could ever be cleaned. I stood up and drained the tub. I just wanted to get dressed and watch tv before I passed out. Sleep never came to me I usually passed out from exhaustion. Sleep found me while I laid on the couch watching an anime. I could smell him. His breath was smelled like rotten food. I wanted to gag. Please no I thought. I lay frozen unable to change what was about to happen. You can’t change the past no matter how much you want to. I felt his hand on my thigh and I tried to push him off me. He grabbed my hands and held them over my head. I screamed in his face before he slapped me across the face. I could almost feel the sting of it in my sleep. I needed to wake up. I needed to wake up now. I couldn’t see this next part! I had lived it I didn’t need to see it every night. He opened his mouth and I heard ringing. I sat up suddenly my heart beating so wildly it felt as if it was trying to escape my chest. I grabbed my phone that slid to the floor when I sat up. I must have fallen asleep with it on my chest. My little sister was calling. I silently prayed she hadn’t been drinking. “Hey girly!” I said smiling quickly swallowing my anxiety “Oh my god sister. I just looked in the mirror and I’m hot.” she said slurring her words and instantly annoying me. “Yeah?” I rolled my eyes and lit a cigarette “You should turn on the A.C.” “You’re so funny!” She laughed loudly “That’s why I love you!” “I love you too, sister.” I sighed. “Do you miss Uncle Donny?” My heart froze. I hung up immediately. My hands began to shake as I tried to stop the tears that fell down my cheeks. How could she be so cruel? It wasn’t a secret. She even saw him. She saw what he did to me! I saw the world through a blurr of tears. I was almost unable to breath. It was as if someone was putting pressure on my chest. I felt sickness knot my stomach and ran to the bathroom before I threw up all over the living room. I emptied my stomach and all it’s contents into the toilet. Anxiety kept me stuck there on the floor crumbled on the floor crying loudly. Sometimes I was able to forget how people felt about me. Sometimes I could pretend they cared about me. Then they reminded me. The way my siblings looked at me. The way I was always left out of the pictures and how my dad never really looked at me. How they blamed me for being molested for seven years. They blamed me because there was just something wrong with me. There were times I agreed with them. Like in that moment while I laid on the cold tile on the bathroom floor crying my heart out. I knew if my husband had been alive he would have been furious. He would have told them to stop calling me and gone and picked up our son. He would have held me close and told me he was my family now. I was safe with him. I would have melted into him and felt whole for a while. I had always been home in his arms. I shook my head and sat up and grabbed my phone. I would rather have my son but I didn’t have anyone to pick him up. As much as I hated it I was getting in to have to ask someone I didn’t know very well and hope he’d be okay with it. ‘Hey are you free?’ I texted Ozzy hoping he’d answer. ‘Yeah. What’s up?’ ‘Can you help me with a ride I’ll pay you gas.’ ‘Sure. When?’ ‘Now…’ ‘Ok…. I need an address.’ Okay. One sec.’ ‘K’ I sent him my sisters address and mine and quickly got dressed. I wore faded denim skinny jeans a black spaghetti strapped crop top, and black sneakers. I grabbed a black hoodie and was ready to go. Right on time because he texted me five minutes later saying he was waiting. I was sure he’d ask me why I had him drop me off so far. I grabbed my sons booster seat and my purse and walked out the door. I set the booster in the back and got in on the passenger side. My hands were still shaking a little bit. My stomach in knots and I was hurt. I tried to stay close with my siblings. My father and my relationship was strained and always would be. He had never really shown me much love or kindness and I accepted it. I used to try to get him to look at me like the other kids but I gave up after a while. I guess that’s why I moved out as soon as I was eighteen. I stayed in my car until I met Ricardo and he saved me, not just from homelessness, he healed parts of me I had thought I’d healed. It was just who he had been. He was a healer. I glanced over and Ozzy, he had broad shoulders, he looked strong enough to lift a tree. He played heavy rock on his radio in this broken down car. If he knew I was half blind would he run. Or would he want to get to know me? Would he become a friend? I had to let him in a little bit if we were to ever be friends. Was that a risk I could take? Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. “I didn’t know you had a kid.” He said suddenly filling the silence. “Oh yeah. He’s great! He’s adorable and fun to be around.” I could feel my face light up as I spoke about Gabe. “That’s cool. I like moms. They’re always responsible.” He said with a smile. “Oh I don’t know about that!” I said embraced “Some moms are to busy having fun to take care of their kids.” He laughed “Yeah I guess you’re right!” I smiled “Yeah I know. Sucks for the kids though.“ “Yeah but you also need to live a little. I used to swing with my ex.” He smiled. “Swing? I really don’t know what that means.” I said lighting a cigarette while I looked at him. He smiled and looked over at me for a second “Do you want to learn more about it?” “Sure.” I said looking at him as we drive down the busy road. “So let’s say two couples meet and they like each other they can have a foursome or they can switch partners. They swing.. get it?” He said calmly “Yeah, that sounds really cool actually.” I smiled “You wanna give it a try sometime? I’m looking for a fwb.” He said “What’s that?” I looked at him confused “Friend with benefits. The benefits are sex.” He smiled “No strings attached.” “Maybe for a while. I think we could be friends but one day I’ll need something more serious.” We pulled into my sisters driveway. I ran in the house and down the dark hallway hearing him crying already. I opened the door. There she was her wrists slit open blood all over the white carpet. My baby screaming. I picked him up quickly. The world seemed to spin wildly out of control. I’m sure I would have vomited if I had anything left in my stomach. I just held little Gabe who was shaking and wailing and he clung to me as if his life depended on it. I could only imagine how terrified he must have been. I picked up my phone still holding him and dialed 911. I’d get her help then I was done. I’d get her to the hospital make sure she was okay. Lord please let her be okay! “Nine one one what’s your emergency?” The operator asked in a monotone “My sister… I think she tried to kill herself.” I said in a rushed panic filled voice. “Okay just stay calm help is on the way. Can you check her pulse?” She asked in a gentler tone. “Yeah… she has one I think.” I said softly just loud enough for her to hear. It didn’t take them long to load up my sister and take her to the hospital. I just stood there frozen like a statue. I hated the hospital but I would go for her. I guess I’d be paying more money in gas. I sighed holding my shaking child close to my chest as he cried. I was sure he would be sleeping in my bed for quite some time. I knew that the visions of my sister laying down on the carpet blood dripping from her wrists would haunt me for a long time. I was mad she did that in front of my child. I knew she had issues when she was younger. She was one of the only ones who ever said anything to my dad about me. She genuinely cared for me but she also had a complicated relationship with her mother. Her mother hated me because I wasn’t white and called me a Mexican in hushed tones. My brothers hated it as did my fathers first wife. Sadly there was no one who really would help me. Aside from Ava, now she was on her way to the hospital. A part of me blamed myself. I had told her to grow up and start working get out from under her mother. It was the only advice I could give her. I offered to let her live with me. Lord it was my fault I was to harsh. I never managed to say things gently. I was to blunt with my words. I slowly walked out the door and to the car. He stood there leaning against his car like some bad boy trope in a horrible movie. He really looked the part. He had a tattoo of a wolf on his for arm. And one of a snake that wrapped around his left arm with ruby red eyes. They were so life like I was jealous. I smiled weakly at him as I walked over. He just stared at me watching me move it was almost as if he was studying me. It didn’t frighten me I almost liked it. The last person who looked at me so intently was dead his ashes forever in an urn. This man was different than my Ricardo though, there was something about him that told me he was nothing like the man I buried. I needed to find out what that was. Why was he so different? What was so special about him? I didn’t feel he was evil or nefarious. I didn’t believe he had any sinister plans for me. He was just like me. Maybe…. He was an outcast too? I looked into his blue eyes and saw how warm they appeared to be. They were like a warm summers day. I loved them. I could get lost. I think I had a crush but I wouldn’t say anything about it to him. “You okay?” He asked concern filling his voice “My sister needs to go to the hospital… do you think you can drive me there so I can check on her? Ya know make sure she’s okay?” My voice sounded small and drained. I still saw the blood. All the blood. “Yeah…. Are you sure that’s a good idea you and the little guy don’t look so good.” He said furrowing in brows “Yeah. I need to make sure she’s fine.” I said in a voice I thought sounded confident. “As long as you’re sure then.” He said. “I am….” I said the added quickly “Thank you so much!” The ride was short and sweet. His music played loudly in the car and my son fell asleep in his booster seat. I had rolled down the window so I could feel the wind on my face. It whipped my hair around my face wildly. I loved the feeling and breathed in deeply. Glad that my hair hid the tears in my eyes. I didn’t cry very often anymore. Crying had been seen as a weakness so I refused to do it as a child. It just stayed with me. No one would see my tears it was too shameful. I watched the world in the way only I could. I had lost most of my vision when I was around five years old. One eye was completely blind and the other could only see things close up. I never knew the world any different. I wasn’t missing anything. I never had it any other way. My brothers always felt bad about the vision issues I had. My father always said it was gods will. I hated that phrase. So be it god took away most my vision but at least I was able to see some things. These damaged eyes of mine weren’t completely useless. I could see the cars as we drove by. I could see the lights from the cars and streetlights and the shadows they cast. I saw the shapes of distant people as they walked by. The images were darker and not so clear almost cloudy. It’s how I’d always seen the world. Well, as far as I can remember this is how I’d always seen the world. It’s was beautiful and tragic. The night was so full of beauty but tonight was the night my sister decided she would try to take her own life. She had always been a quiet girl keeping her secrets close to her chest. She, like me, was an outcast in our family. She never fit in and her mother made her pay for it. I knew where each of her scars came from and how long they took to heal. She knew mine. Her secrets were mine and mine were hers. We told each other about our demons and who made them. It wasn’t until uncle Donny went to jail that she and I distanced ourselves from each other. He was her family and I hurt someone in her family. She couldn’t forgive me for that. In her eyes I was the one who caused it all to happen. I hadn’t known I was pregnant. I had a miscarriage in school and word got out fast. I didn’t regret it though. I was happy he was behind bars. I hoped he was a bottom to some ruthless man too. I wish I’d had the courage to say something before. It had just taken me half my childhood to say it. She had lost an uncle but I lost everything. I didn’t feel bad and I refused to let her or anyone else bully me into thinking I should. He had known he would get away with it. No one would care about me. I had always hoped he had been wrong but I always knew he was right. I was not really family to them. I’d had to grow up and make my own.