Deep tenderness

Cold war

Today, felt like a new me, a new day, I felt good about today. I also understood and I need no Aria to keep me going, I need myself to push through this hard time. I wasn't gonna lie to myself anymore, I know I matter and I know I deserve so much better. The therapy session started and the first question she asked me was, "you seem to be in a great mood today, tell me more about it" I smiled rethinking all the memories that just are blissful to cherish and come back one day. I really felt thankful for each and every moment I got to feel in a very happy and positive way. I explained what happened today in m high school pushing me to talk again, she smiled and responded with a grin, "that's so adorable, I'm glad you have people who understand and celebrate every little moment of yours, it's lucky to have them." with such comforting tone she ended. We continued to talk about how I was going to get better, while my mind and those numerous thoughts were making me go insane. I sighed a little bit with the exhausting thoughts that made me feel worse. I also shared the thoughts I had made to get myself together this time without giving up, she agreed but was slightly surprised by how I changed my mind. "oh, that's good but how did you get into thinking this sort of way?" she asked. And the session continued by giving me more ideas on working on myself, and she really helped me get myself together. I got back home with a lot of peace and light-heartedness, while I continued to walk towards my bedroom, I heard my parents arguing again. It broke my heart all the time I saw my dad drunk and talking bull s**t in front of my mom. I felt insecure to have this sort of father and really felt broken.

My mom screamed at me for eavesdropping in their conversation, "Ray! Get out of here!" she scolded. I calmly walked into my bedroom with a disturbed face, It didn't really help me watching my mom and dad argue with each other like that. I suffocated myself under a pillow as I lie on my bed, I didn't want to hear them arguing like that, it felt like someone was physically hurting me and giving e some bad vibes. I didn't feel good now, I cried my eyes out while I still hear them mumbling about my mental issues. "Ughhh!" I muttered with frustration. Why was I even alive? Just to hear this nonsense and get myself feeling like greys and blues? I was sad. I walked up to my desk, took out my pen, and started writing how I am feeling at this moment. This was a practice my psychiatrist taught me, I continued writing my harsh and clumsy feeling down that paper. Feeling a little uneasy, I sat on my desk, just staring at the wall practicing deep breathing, it wasn't easy to get myself focused on something. There was a photo frame when I look onto the wall, it was me and aria. I still can't forget that day when we first went together all alone. I smiled so hard, just like I said, she was my comfort person my strength, I gained back myself now. I was in a conscious state. As I calmed down a bit, a sudden thud on my door makes my heart pound even faster. My notorious brother was here to talk, I saw tears in his eyes too. "what's wrong ron? Are you okay?" I asked.

Watching him behave like that scared me to death, why would my brother cry about mom and dad arguing. Ron uttered, "I can't do this, every day... every single day I have to hear them arguing like this? It's hard for me to behave as if nothing happened?" and he continued to cry as I hugged him by the waist. I slowly comforted him, rubbing his back and reminding him of how much he helped me to get myself together with his words of comfort a while ago. Why did me and my brother have to go through this every single day? Even though he was a loving father, his words of disgust for me and ron were feeling harsh and rude, why does a man have to be like that? Why does he have to hit my mother like that? There were so many things I couldn't understand and pull myself together, I also understood that my brother has also been going through a lot. I can't just put into words, how much my parents arguing disturbs me. Looking at both of them being so weirdly vulnerable and overly caring makes me want to jump off a cliff. I admit it was hard to stay in this house, where both of them just keep arguing and bringing up about my mental health and Ron's studies. I really wish they understood the behind of working hard, And at this point, I even work so hard just to be alive.

The night left with dark hues and cold wars, the next day felt like a new battle, a new story. I walked into my hallway, and I see my mom lying dead on the floor, "Holy crap!" I screeched with shock. I realized it was just a bad dream, I walked up to the hallway for real this time to check if my dream was true, but I saw my dad getting ready for his work, while my mom polishes his shoes. They acted like nothing even happened last night, this was also a reason I was so insecure about them, I never knew what was going on between them. Scratching my nape, I went back into my room to rest myself. I see my little brother wrapped around my bedsheet sleeping on my bed, I didn't want to disturb him. So I gently woke him up reminding him to go back to his bedroom. "Rayy!" I heard a similar voice from behind, it was aria again. She was here to spend the weekends with me.