Deep tenderness

Finding myself

The night faded and gave rise to a beautiful morning, a new day and a new start, I had a date with Mac today. It was worth going honestly, I could flex it to so many people. I walked into my ice-cold class, with everybody staring at my new outfit and transition. Yes, I had makeup on with a short skirt making all the guys drool. "You look hot." Commented Mac and winked at me. I had to fake a blush, God I hate men. I never liked anyone in the first place, all men were making me feel suffocated and bored. The classes continued with Mac staring at me, while the whole class was casually gossiping about Aria being absent. I think I was the reason Aria didn't come to school today, It was my fault for calling her up and telling her what happened, I was the reason for everything. But I knew I could fix it, I can hook up with Mac and get closer to my best friend. At least that way I was accepting of her. I could get myself together for Aria, I had only one choice.

The classes ended and the break fell giving me a sigh of relief, I walked into the cafeteria while I noticed half of the people were staring at my shaved legs. Mac smiled at me inviting me to sit beside him, I calmly sat beside him with a disgusted face. I could hear all his friends booing us. He shushed them and continued to flirt with me in front of everybody. I will be brutally honest, I have never felt this second-hand embarrassment in my life, the way mac was trying to get my attention made me sick. I still tried to act according to his actions and utterances, it was not really easy for me to make him understand I also kind of like him for aria. I could do anything to get Aria back, I just wanted everything back. I had to go on a date with him after the classes were done, it wasn't exciting as well as not very boring, he was fun. We played lots of video games and I also got to kiss him, trust me he was a bad kisser. Anyways, I had to go back to therapy sessions so I had to leave early for god sake.

The therapist smiled at me with a doubting face, she already predicted something bad must have happened. I wasn't talking even today, I just was trying my best to overcome my paralysis and speech. She asked the same random questions today also, I was frustrated at how boring the classes have started to make me feel. She was asking me the same questions on repeat, I replied sighing. "I-i had a very good day," I replied. And to my reply, she said, "What is an ideal good day for you?"For me, a good day was when I was with Aria. It was when I saw her smile or laugh at my jokes, now I missed her badly. I hope I really didn't hurt her feelings. "A good day is someday I have fun and also spend my quality time in a very pleasant way." I lied. My obvious good days were when I was with my best friend. But now My thoughts were fully terrified about how am I going to convince Aria that I wasn't planning to kiss her. The therapist continued to be calm and just watch the way I talk, think, and move. She asked, "so? You didn't tell your best friend you liked her?" My eyes widened, I didn't know what to respond. I nodded with unconsciously biting my lip, "But how do I fix this?" I asked. She gently smiled and replied, "Tell her the truth." The truth? What if she doesn't accept me? What if she rejected me for my proposal?

I agreed and braced for myself that I would try my best to tell her the truth. I went back home and simply lying on my bed with my paralyzed hands, I was planning how should I let her know the truth. How would she react? Would she be glad or be sad? I didn't know. While I was lost in thoughts, A text notification from my phone dinged. I looked it up and it was a text from Aria saying that she wants to talk to me. That was it, I was terrified. What if she got to know about me and mac? What if she knew what I was gonna do? I replied with a smiley emoji and an "ok" just waiting for her to feel comfortable with me again. But I guess she also felt broken with me, Just like I was having the problem of expressing I guess she did too. The afternoon passed away with me just procrastinating on homework and all the rest of my school work I heard a knock on my door and walked straight towards it and breathed deeply trying to calm myself down. Aria was here, she didn't even pass me a smile, nor gave me eye contact. It was scary to see her intimidating like this. "Hey, hope you had a good day in school. I really wanted you to know that I am sorry. I shouldn't have spoken like that yesterday. I mean-" before she could complete I spoke, "No it was my fault, trying to kiss you. I was kind of manipulating you. I'm sorry." I apologized back. She smiled after a long time, "I wasn't ready Ray, I was scared to come out as a homosexual. I grew up in a conservative household and everything there is very different. I just need some times ray, hope you know that." I was shocked by her coming out, I was excited but my feet went cold.

My foolish heart fell for her again, It was hard not to admit that she was not beautiful, she was so precious. And, again that night we talked and played like nothing ever happened. I fell in love with her even more, even more than I ever liked her before.