They Only Loved Me When I Wanted to Die

That morning, in a little chapel in Bayhaven, Ethan Carter vowed to love me until death did us part. That afternoon, in front of 200 guests, he took off my wedding ring. He held Vivienne Reed's hand and slid the ring onto her finger. "Do you believe now that someone will put you first?" At last, Vivienne smiled. She was a violinist sponsored by the Hawthorne Foundation, and she had an important competition in 10 days. Before the wedding, Ethan had sent me her pre-competition interview. In the video, she tearfully described growing up in one foster home after another, never once being anyone's first choice. Near the end of the interview, Ethan's voice came from off-camera, asking what she wanted. She lowered her gaze and ran her fingers over my wedding invitation on the table. "I wish I could have just one hour when everyone was looking only at me." Before the wedding, Alexander had asked if she could perform a piece at the reception. The foundation's donors would all be there, and the exposure would help with her competition. I had agreed. No one had mentioned my ring or my dress. Now her hour had come. The band struck up a new piece. Wearing my backup wedding gown, she stepped onto the stage that was supposed to be mine. Applause rose from the crowd, and several guests lifted their glasses to her. I started forward, but Alexander blocked my path. Alexander Hawthorne, my oldest brother, looked displeased too, yet his gaze first swept over the guests below. He pressed a hand to my shoulder and lowered his voice. "Don't argue here. We'll talk about it when we get home." Luke Hawthorne, my second brother, took the bouquet from my hands. "I'll talk to Ethan and get the ring back first." I waited. He took one step, noticed several guests holding up their phones, then stopped. Noah Hawthorne, my youngest brother, was still smiling as he watched the stage. "You already have everything. Is it really so hard to let her be happy for once?" Looking at them, I suddenly remembered a school play when I was 11. I had played a tree with no lines. All three of them had squeezed into the front row and stayed until the end, then presented me with flowers afterward. I looked down at my wedding dress, then back at them. Even the bouquet in Luke's hands wasn't returned to me. Ethan came down from the stage and offered me a glass of champagne. "Smile, Alice. You're embarrassing her." I didn't take it. His brows drew together. "Are you starting again?" Again. I had heard that word too many times. Asking for the sheet music someone had taken from me was me "starting again." Asking my family to clarify the truth after a video of me was maliciously edited was also me "starting again." Even asking why no one had told me my audition was canceled counted as "starting again." I used to write them long email after long email, explaining every incident one by one. Ethan said reading them gave him a headache and told me to come back when I had calmed down. Eventually, I deleted every one of those emails. "She can keep the ring," I said. Ethan froze, as though he hadn't expected that answer. "I'll give it back tonight. Don't say things you don't mean just because you're angry." I detached the cumbersome veil from my wedding gown and draped it over the back of a chair. The laughter from the stage grew louder. It had been a long time since I had slept peacefully. Every morning when I opened my eyes, I checked my phone first, afraid I would find another message blaming me. I no longer told them any of this. During my makeup trial the night before, the makeup artist had asked why my hands wouldn't stop shaking. "Wedding nerves," I had told her. She laughed, fixed my hair, and asked nothing more. I left the reception hall and crossed the terrace leading to the pier. Behind me, I heard Alexander say, "Luke, take her back inside. Don't let the press get a picture." Luke caught up to me and grabbed my arm. "Can you at least wait until the guests are gone before you make a scene?" I looked at him and opened my mouth, but I no longer knew what there was left to explain. The sea wind was bitterly cold. In the distance, a yacht was returning to port, small lights glowing along its deck. Every boat seemed to have somewhere to go. But I had no idea where to go after leaving this wedding. The instant Luke turned away to answer his phone, I pulled free of his grasp. "Alice!" It wasn't until the water closed over me that I learned even a body stripped of all hope could still hurt, could still fight on instinct. I couldn't make out what he shouted afterward. I only remembered that once he dragged me back onto the pier, he held me tightly and begged me over and over not to scare him like that. I was coughing too hard to speak, but he never let go. I heard him make a call, his voice shaking so badly it hardly sounded like him. "Keep the reporters away. She fell into the water." He paused, then added, "She didn't do it on purpose. It had nothing to do with the wedding." In his arms, I suddenly stopped struggling. Before I could say a single word, they had already explained everything away as an accident.