Scarred Cliff

Chapter 6

Chapter Six

Mal

“I’m not going anywhere.” I reach out to Dylan, trying to make that look in his eyes go away, that painful look.

He glances up, but his eyes are even more full of pain now, as his jaw sets. “Yeah, like those words make a difference.” His voice is so cold that my stomach drops and chills shoot down my spine.

That’s what Poppy always promised us, that she wasn’t going anywhere, and see where we are now...

Then he lets out a growl and a deep sigh. “Sorry... I’m sorry. I think it’s better if we go to sleep. I’m... I’m tired.”

I nod, rubbing my neck as I try to not lose my s**t right now. “I’ll get changed and come out too.”

He turns to the door, but stops, looking back at me, his eyes slightly hidden by the lights from behind him. “I’m sorry. You know that I... I don’t mean...”

“I’ll be right out.” I just need a moment to myself, to come back to myself, because everything is turning into such a mess right now. I can’t promise him anything, or comfort him, when I don’t know what’s going to happen myself.

He inclines his head and then closes the door behind him, leaving me alone, and the moment he’s gone, tears break free, tears of pain and frustration, but mostly pain.

I rub over my arms, where he grabbed me so hard that it hurt, likely leave bruises too, which is good. I like that kind of pain, but he got lost in his head again, lost in that spiral of sadness, and that’s bad, very bad.

Because I’ve seen what happens if that darkness goes too far, when he loses control. He may have this fear of me disappearing on him, especially when things get intense, but I never lose the fear for the moment he starts drinking again, when he’ll drink just to be numb, when he drinks so much he’s out cold within an hour... I’ve seen him like that too often.

And now Mia is here, bringing up even more feelings, more pain, so many memories that some of us have been trying desperately to forget, because going down that road again is the way of pain and insanity... Of a lot of pain...

I check myself in the mirror, my arms, my shoulders, checking that there aren’t bruises yet, and then I put my shirt on.

Some people would think it weird, this need Dylan and I have, this way we hurt each other, but it works for us. Although... It’s usually easier to solve if he’d just let me f**k him, but with Mia here... don’t think that’s going to happen any time soon. Great.

I pull Dylan’s sweats back on and leave the bathroom, staring around the living room. Mia is asleep on the couch, all curled up, and not actually looking very comfortable as she’s sitting at a weird angle, her head hanging to the side, and I pad over to her, smiling. Some things never change, I guess.

“Mia,” I whisper, touching her shoulder and carefully shaking her. “Mia.”

Her eyes shoot open, panic in them, as she jerks up, on her feet before she’s even awake. “Are you okay? Anything wrong? Do you need something? Do you need me to move?” Her eyes scan my face, but it’s like she doesn’t even see me, she’s seeing someone else entirely.

“Mia?” I step closer to her, my hand on her arm and the panic ebbs away from her gaze, as she seems to wake up.

“Alex.” She winces. “Mal. Sorry. So sorry.”

I shake my head, trying to smile as I let her sit back on the couch and slide next to her, taking her in my arms. It takes her a moment to relax. “They’re both my names, one just fits my personality better.”

When I started to seriously get into music, ‘Alex’ didn’t cut it as a name anymore, so I started to go by ‘Mal’. It made me look more mysterious, and it gave me a sense that I’d stepped away from all of this, this tiny town, and became someone else, someone bigger, more important. It’s the real me, but also the person I am when I’m on stage. While ‘Alex’ always was the boy who grew up here, ‘Mal’ is grown-up me.

“Still...” She shakes her head. “I should do better. I can’t believe I messed up.”

While I can understand her messing up my name, especially when it’s so new to her and she wasn’t really awake anyway, I can’t believe the panic in her eyes, in her words, when I woke her up... “Most of the town calls me Alex, most of the time, my parents do too. It’s just the guys and people in the music world who call me Mal. Either is fine, really.” I pull her against me more. “What happened?”

She’s quiet for a moment. “When?” She knows exactly what I mean, just trying to avoid answering.

“Just now, when I woke you up? What went through your mind?”

“Nothing. I was just surprised, that’s all.” But her voice still betrays the panic she was in and anger builds in me.

That wasn’t a normal response, people don’t normally wake up all panicked, ready to do anything for the person who wakes them. She wasn’t even aware of me, she was looking for someone else, her eyes trying to read someone else’s face, someone who she fears when he wakes her... That’s a trained response, that’s a response from someone who’s... Someone who’s been abused.

Nothing going on, my ass.

Even though I pretended that I hadn’t heard anything earlier, when she was talking to Dylan, I’d heard what she said. She’s lost her work, her house and her relationship, all in one go. And with that panic just now, I have a bad feeling as to why that happened...

If I get my hands on the guy who hurt her...

I glance down at her arms, at any skin I can see, trying to find any fading bruises, but I can’t see anything, at least not on her arms or the bit of her chest I can glimpse from this angle.

But abuse doesn’t have to come with bruises, isn’t that what people always say?

Which means that we wouldn’t be able to see anything anyway, and if she denies it, then... how are we supposed to help her? How can we help her?

Fuck.

When Dylan comes out of his bedroom, he’s wearing just a pair of sweats, his great body on display, making me instantly hard again. The hell, why does he show himself off to me like that when I’m not even allowed to do anything to him... The guy’s mean, very mean.

He looks at me like he knows exactly how I feel, smirking slowly. “Sleeping arrangements?” He looks at the both of us, and I catch Mia staring at him too. Well, I’m glad I’m not the only one who wants him like that... “Who wants to crash in my bed? I don’t think the couch is big enough for two.” He goes over to the table and starts stashing papers back in his bag.

Mia glances at me, like I’m the one who decides. Is she expecting me to say that I’ll sleep here, or is she waiting for me to say that I’ll sleep with Dylan? And which one would she prefer? Ah, crap.

“You sleep in his bed.” I nudge her a little. “I’ll take the couch.”

“But...” She stares at me, and I smile at her.

“It’s fine. When he wakes up tomorrow morning, you’ll want to be in his bedroom and not here in the living room as he scrambles to get ready for work. He’s loud in the morning, hard to sleep through.” I grin, and she smiles back, letting out a soft laugh.

“I’m not that bad,” Dylan grumbles. putting his bag near the door. “That only happens if a certain someone keeps me up until three in the morning.” He meets my eyes, a challenge in them to say something back.

“You never complain that I keep you up for hours, you only complain the morning after.” Two can play that game.

“Whatever.” He rolls his eyes. “I’m off to bed. You two can figure out who sleeps where.” He turns around and walks back into his bedroom.

Slowly, I stand up, ready to grab the stuff to sleep on the couch, but Mia stops me.

“Are you going to be okay here? Is this really okay?” Her eyes still have that edge of panic, but also something else, she’s really trying to read me, read beyond my words in a way that only pisses me off more. Because she didn’t used to do that, it’s something new, and that’s never a good sign... She never used to doubt my answer, never tried to read beyond my words, see if I don’t mean the exact opposite of what I’m saying and could get angry with her for interpreting my words the wrong way.

“I’m going to be fine here.” I give her a kiss on her forehead. “You go sleep in Dylan’s bed. That’ll probably be the best bed you’ll sleep on in weeks. Your grandma didn’t have luxurious beds like his.” I wink and that finally seems to convince her that I’m being truthful about what I’m saying.

“Okay.” She also gets up. “Sleep tight. I’ll see you in the morning.” And she’s off to the bedroom.

I drop the pillow onto the couch and pull the covers with me, flopping onto it too.

How I wish I could join them, but that’s not in the cards. That’s not how things will ever be.

Of course, I’d love to join Dylan in his bed, but I know that he won’t let me do anything with Mia around, and I’d be too tempted to push the boundaries of what ‘anything’ would mean. Any other person, I’d have fought them so I could be with him all night, hopefully f**k him, or even a simple h*****b, but not Mia. There is no fighting when it comes to her, there never was, and there never will be. I’ll sleep here as much as I need to, if it means she gets to sleep well next to him.

Because, no matter what, what Dylan and I have isn’t something either of us expects to be long-term. We just have needs and we’re good at fulfilling those needs for each other, and it’s a bonus that we’ve known each other for a long time, so it’s easy to see when the other needs.

But none of that ever beats a long-term relationship, a real long-term relationship, like he could have with Mia.