And-crystalsaid2me

i. I really hoped it wouldn’t come to this. I spent so many years fighting the voices in my head; the ones that told me that I would never be good enough and that there is nowhere in this world I belong. I fought so hard. I hope you know that. I only ever wanted to make you proud. ii. None of this is your fault, person reading this. I never really had any answers in my lifetime, but I do know this: there is nothing that could have been done to stop this. I know that because I tried it all. None of this was your fault, though. I don’t think it was mine, either. iii. I only ever tried to be what you needed of me—a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, but I only ever knew how to be a metaphor. A metaphor in which the girl who wants to die desperately tries to find something to live for; a metaphor in which the girl who wants to die tries to remember that living is no more punishment than it is a gift. I guess none of those were metaphors, but they were nice sentiments. I hope I was only ever a nice sentiment. iv. I wanted to be enough for her to love me. I wanted to be the person they deserved. I wanted to learn what it was like to build something beautiful with them—but I only ever knew how to destroy things. Including, and especially, myself. v. Before I go, know that there was nothing anyone could have done differently. I never felt quite right in this world. I spent many years teetering on the edge of not enough and entirely too much. So with that, I must go, but I do ask one favor of you—love yourself in every way I ever tried to; and when you look to the moon, know that wherever I am going, I am taking you with me. I do not know where I am going, but I hope it is beautiful. I hope I get to see you there. One day. Many years from now.