A Second Chance

Chapter 16 * Jordan * steamy**

I went home that night feeling relieved. I sensed that she wasn’t 100% ok, but I knew she was at least assured that I wasn’t leaving her for Bernadette. My kids were asleep when I got home so I decided to go to bed as well. I’d work towards her trust again tomorrow.

We spent the next day at Jamie’s with Becca and Matt as well. Pool party, welcome home kinda thing, Jamie said. She wanted my kids to know they had friends here. It was actually really nice. All the kids seemed to get along and that gave me a lot of hope for the future.

For the most part, Jamie looked happy. However, I did catch her hands shaking a couple of times and I felt like she was drinking a bit more than usual. There was a moment when the kids stayed underwater a long time and she started to panic. They apologized to her and she faked a smile and made an excuse to go in the house. I decided to follow her.

“I need you to f— me.” She said the second I stepped in the door.

“What?” I responded, surprised. “Right now?”

“Yes, right now.” She said as she dragged me down the hall. “Really quick. Please. I’m super stressed out and on edge and I need it to calm me down.”

Before I could really argue with her, she was pushing my bathing suit down and sucking on my c— to get it hard. Once she succeeded, she stood and pushed her bikini bottoms down.

“How do you want me?” She asked urgently. That must be the hottest question in the English language.

I lifted her up and she wrapped her legs around me and I pushed her against the wall for support. I grabbed her ass in my hands and lowered her onto me. She wove her fingers into my hair and tugged on it. I growled and lifted her up and down; up and down. She moaned and wrapped one arm across my shoulders, digging her nails into my flesh.

Feeling myself getting close, I pinned her hips against the wall and pounded into her, hard and fast. I had my mouth on hers, swallowing her cries until I came.

I lowered her to the ground gently and she ran into the bathroom to clean up. We pulled our bottoms back on and I leaned down to kiss her tenderly.

“Thank you.” She said, pleased. “I needed that.”

“Happy to be of service, Baby.” I replied smugly.

We returned to the party and enjoyed the rest of the day with everyone.

The next day, I stopped by to see her after her kids went to school. Mine were still in bed but had plans to hang out by the pool in the complex all day anyway. When I showed up she was just coming out of her room having exercised and showered already. Her hair was wet and she had no make-up on. She was in a wrap dress that she threw on when she was wet from the pool or shower but needed to be clothed. She looked so beautiful and sweet. It took a lot of effort not to grab her and unwrap her dress like a present.

She smiled at me when she noticed me at the kitchen island having a cup of coffee.

“I like seeing you here.” She said as she stood on her tiptoes to kiss my cheek.

“I like being here with you.” I replied easily. She seemed relaxed which made me relax. I was scared the event with Bernadette would have lasting damage. I wasn’t prepared to give up another 15 years with her.

“Can we talk?” She asked seriously. Inwardly, I tensed while trying to maintain an outward calmness. Maybe she wasn’t over it.

I turned to face her while she poured her coffee and leaned on the counter across from me.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about what happened, as well as how I feel when I’m with you, and not with you, and everything that’s happened in my life in the last few years. It’s been a mess and I was a complete wreck for months. Non functional. We haven’t talked much about Tony and for the most part that’s fine but I think you need to understand what I went through afterwards.

“Immediately following his death, Michelle and Becca were here taking care of arrangements, helping me put everything into my name, closing out accounts, etc. But after 2 weeks, Michelle had to leave and I needed to work and the kids had to be in school. I couldn’t do it. Any of it. I couldn’t sleep. I could barely eat. Becca legitimately kept me alive. She fed my kids and bathed me. I drank 24/7 and cried non stop. It wasn’t until she asked me what my Christmas budget for the kids was, that I snapped out of it. I asked her why she was asking and she told me it was because she was shopping for them on my behalf. I asked her what day it was and when she said December 1st, I freaked out. I could not believe that I had literally sleep walked through half the year.

“That day, I decorated the house, ordered presents, food shopped, baked cookies, and was waiting for the kids when they got home from school. When they walked in, I apologized for being so absent and promised we’d be ok. They hugged me and we all laid on the couch, holding each other and crying for a long while.

“It took some time but I got caught up with all their teachers and my own brokerage. I gave Becca a ridiculous end of year bonus for basically being me and her that whole year. I started the next year anew, ready to move forward on my own.

“I made it 4 months before running into you. That chance meeting gave me so much closure. I had never let go of you and it drove me crazy. I was very happily married for 15 years but I always wondered about the 2 week relationship I’d had with you. When I returned from Florida, I thought I could let you go. I threw myself into my life. My business thrived. My kids recovered more each day. Everything was as good as it could be.

“Then you showed up here, wanting to be with me. I hated myself because I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Tony has not been gone long at all and here I was, longing for you. And to make me hate myself more, I had always longed for you even when he was alive.

“Life isn’t that simple though. Yes, I finally made myself be with you even though it was pretty soon. Yes, I feel more strongly towards you than I’ve ever felt before. It feels just as it did when we first met. Like I’ve loved you in a past life. The problem is, regardless of what I feel for you, it doesn’t erase what I felt for him, or what I went through when I lost him. I have so many things I’m responsible for and on top of that, now I have to add in that your ex wife wants you back and is willing to go through some pretty crazy lengths to eliminate me. I’m feeling very out of control, and I’m also feeling like I’m not completely sure I can trust you. I can’t totally relax with you anymore and I’m finding that I can’t really relax at all since you went to Florida and my kids got in their car accident. Not to mention Aaron r****g me and the guy at the open house….I’m feeling scared and uneasy and alone and I need something to make it all stop.”

“I’ll do whatever you want, Jamie.” I told her, completely seriously. “I cannot lose you, and I hate that you are feeling lost.” I had listened to her talk and saw the pain she had hidden every single day. I saw now, how she brushed things aside out of fear of falling apart if she acknowledged them. I meant what I had said. I would do anything to help her.

“Here’s the thing,” She started. “When I was in college, I used s*x as a healing experience. If I had a bad day, I booty called my boyfriend and told him I needed it as hard as possible that night and he’d pound the bad day out of me. I feel safest and most secure and capable after having been taken by someone who loves me. Someone else controlling me and in a way, caring for me, kind of soothes me. It takes the burden of decisions and schedules and finances off of me for a time and makes me really believe that I’m not completely alone and the world won’t stop without me.

“Over time, I stopped using s*x that way. Tony didn’t have the s*x drive I did. If we had a bad day, we soothed it with food, which is why I gained so much weight early in our marriage. Since I’ve been with you again, I can feel that part of myself wanting to come back but I’ve resisted it because I didn’t want to make myself vulnerable to you again. I think you can feel that I don’t completely trust you.”

“I have. It makes it difficult to really dominate you because I’m afraid of breaking the fragile trust we have. But truly, Jamie, I don’t need it. I don’t need to push you. I just need you. Whatever you need so you can trust me, I’ll do it.” I told her with complete sincerity. If she couldn’t handle being dominated anymore, I’d live without it.

“But that isn’t true because Bernadette wasn’t into it and you tried to let it go but it drove a wedge between you over time. I, too, was married to someone who wasn’t into s*x the same way and amount that I was. We can make it work but I’d rather we didn’t have to. I’d rather, and I’m sure you agree, that we could both get everything we want and need from our s*x life.

“So my proposal is this: I will completely give myself to you for one night. We won’t talk about anything. I won’t ask questions or say no. I will simply force myself to trust you. You can do whatever you want to me. I want you to push me. I believe that you know my boundaries better than I do. I want you to get me past them.”

“How will that help us build trust?” I asked her. “If you aren’t submissive anymore and all I do is scare you, won’t that ruin what we have?”

“If we’re going to move forward, I need to put my trust in you and see that you will not let me down. I will be yours for whatever you want and if you can push me to and even past the limits I’ve set for myself and us, I believe that will put us both in a better position as a couple. I need to know, without a doubt, that you know me and can take care of me, good and bad. When I was attacked at the open house, you know what he said to me? He said he wished he had time to tie me up and break me. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. Maybe I do need to be broken, but not by anyone who wishes to harm me. If anyone is going to break me, I want it to be you.”

“What if I go too far?” I asked, hesitantly.

“You won’t.” She replied. “You need to know that I will be ok if you do. That I’m not as weak and scared as you think I am. You need to trust me just as much as I have to trust you. You need to know that if you slip up, I won’t run away or hide. I’ll still love you. You need to remember why you love dominating. You stifled that part of yourself for your marriage but I want you to find it again.”

“When do you want to do this?” I asked her. She shrugged.

“You can take some time and think about it. Just let me know if you agree and when you want to do it.”

I nodded. She looked at the clock on the stove.

“Oh shoot! It’s late! I have to get going. We’ll talk later, ok?” She pecked me on the lips and rushed down the hall.

I sat there for a moment, dumbfounded. Needing to clear my head, I went to the gym and put myself through a rigorous training session. I decided I couldn’t figure this one out on my own and took to a b**m forum I frequented. Usually, I was there to give advice, but for once, I needed input.

I posted my long scenario and put my phone away for the rest of the day to spend it with my kids. When I picked it up later that night after they were in bed, I was shocked at how many responses I had. It took me hours to read and respond to them all. I continued doing this for the next 2 nights before finally shaping out a plan of what I wanted to do. It was a tough situation. If I went too easy on her, she’d know I didn’t trust her; too hard, and she’d never trust me. Thankfully, there were a few people on the forum that I’d gotten to know well over the years and they really tried to understand her and what she needed. I was extremely grateful to have people who understood me around to help.

I texted her that I was prepared to give her what she needed. She should get someone to take her kids Saturday night. She texted back that all the kids, including mine, would camp out in Becca and Matt’s backyard that night. My kids were thrilled and that helped me relax. Now I could only focus on Jamie.

The rest of the week was long. I was nervous about s*x for the first time in a long time. I’d spent a lot of time in my life studying what women find attractive and how to please them. I knew I was good in bed. But this was different. This wasn’t just about pleasuring her. That, I knew I did already. This was about building trust on both sides and about helping her let go of her pain. She was asking me to break her, in order to help her and I knew it was a treacherously fine line I was being asked to walk.