LIFE....As It Goes

If I could turn back time

I know that we left off me explaining how promiscuous I was In high school. Let me just remind you that the reason I feel I was the way I was and acted out was because of trauma. I had not even wanted to begin to deal with it. When I think back now, that decision has altered the course of my life forever. It didn't start off right, and still everyday is a new battle but let's continue digging back to what my life as a s****l teenage girl who had so much pain hidden behind every bit of her soul. I left off explaining basically how the guys in my grade pretty much messed with me about sleeping with older guys all year long. I'd play it off like it didn't hurt. It didn't bother me, but gosh, it did . Badly. I remember just wanting to go back and change what I had been doing, but instead, drinking became my getaway. My best friend. It took all that hidden pain away, but as most of us know. It's not always best to drink when you're hurt. If I wasn't s****l, I was trying to fight... there was no in between. There was a specific guy who was in my life for a very long time. I feel like we taught each other somethings, and that he played a role in my life that reminds me that at one point in time, I probably could of changed the lay out of the rest of my life to come. However, I had to move on with life as it was. He stayed a friend throughout this next very toxic relationship and others to come. They guy I began to see, his name was Matt. May he rest in peace. I don't want to say he introduced me to new forms of numbing my pain, but it's what happened. I chose to try everything he spoke of. At this point, in my side of the world, the pill epidemic was ahead. XANAX, LORECET, SOMA. those three together was a cocktail of disaster. However, I didn't feel s**t. Hell, I don't remember a lot of it. I liked that. I could wake up, take a few pills, and just live. However, I managed. When my supply would run low, we would spend hours calling and looking for more. I don't miss that! Eventually, of course, as it usually happens. Pills lead to harder drugs, and extacy was really the first pill I had taken. The euphoric feeling it produced was always something I favored. It didn't become an every weekend thing until a bit later. Anyways, I have to tell you, dating Matt brought a beautiful soul alike of my own into my life. The reasons behind it weren't so beautiful, but more shady. Apparently, he was also dating her when we began to start hanging out, I guess, but she turned out to be a great friend, even till this day. She understands me. I can be a bit much at times, but at least now. It's for the better. Okay, now I'm getting off track a bit! I'm about 17 years old at this point. I had done every drug there was . Never got to the point of using a needle, but all in all, it was addiction, and it was bad. My first time in jail was to come shortly after. "Cultivation of m*******a" is a great start to my record, you think? Matt ran before the cops arrived. He managed to get that charge, and I was able to have it dropped on my end. You would think I'd have learned my lesson at this point. Nope, not Faith, I have to learn everything the hardest way possible. After that incident, everything just got worse. I went to the mental ward two or three times. Matt was cheating. I wanted it all to end, so badly. We eventually broke up but randomly talked here and there. I had new orleans on the mind. Ampersands, a place to dance in lights,wear skimpy clothes and take extacy. I thought I was doing better because I wasn't taking the downers, I was all about feeling up and happy. Again, it was all over the next day, as it always was. I met some great people on that journey as well, and as far as I know, they're all doing pretty good for themselves. Why hadn't I grown up yet. So, in-between Matt and New orleans, I had been going back and forth to California. That was my true getaway. Somehow, though, I always managed to end back up in Louisiana. After my last whoo ra in Louisiana, I moved to California, and I never planned on leaving. I jumped around a bit more than I should have, San Fran to Venice Beach. Then good Ole Hollywood. I turned 21 there, i also had gotten to do some small extra work in movies, but the one known would be 'Yes Man' with Jim Carrey. That was such a fun and exciting time for me, I couldn't wait to do more, but God had other plans. Shortly after a trip home where I was asked a few times.l, "Faith, are you pregnant?" My response always being NO! However, only a handful of people had known I'd already taken two test, they showed negative, so i just kept about life.