I forgot my reason for suicide

dead him

I jumped down from the top floor and fell to the ground so violently that I could even hear the bones in my body snap.

He stood in front of me, with the corners of his mouth slightly curved, smiling softly at me who was lying in a pool of blood.

I struggled to remember who he was.

But suddenly found that I forgot the reason for my suicide.

He held out his hand to me, and the smile on his face looked so warm.

I slowly raised my arms and held his hand tightly.

【Disappearing Sunshine】

On the day Jiang Yang committed suicide, my schoolbag was thrown into the toilet by a group of people led by Murong Quan. I knelt down to pick it up, but was kicked heavily by a boy and fell to the ground. Murong Quan stood aside and played with his nails, with an expression of indifference.

She was obviously not like this before.

Last summer, I graduated high school.

I was told that going to high school was my first step into maturity, that I was no longer the kid who hid home and cried after being bullied. I'm going to grow taller, I'm going to be stronger, I'm going to fit in, I'm going to make lots and lots of friends, I'm going to join various clubs and everything is going to be alright.

I look forward to it with all my heart.

However, like junior high school, I was still an inconspicuous role in the class, and no one noticed my existence.

Except monitor Murong Quan.

When I was isolated by everyone, only she smiled at me sweetly and pointed out the mistakes in my homework seriously.

I fell into her smile without any resistance, and got deeper and deeper, unable to extricate myself.

Clean the classroom, skip class to buy her snacks, and help her move the table and carry her schoolbag.

As long as she smiles at me and says thank you softly, I feel that the whole world is brighter.

Until a boy in the class stole my diary and read out my confession to Murong Quan in public, exposing the secrets I hid in my heart mercilessly to the public.

Amidst the booing of the whole class, I saw Murong Quan staring straight at me, without a hint of a smile in his eyes, but outright disgust.

What followed was endless bullying, ridicule, and humiliation.

Everyone is sneering at me.

"I really don't know the heights of heaven and earth, and dare to provoke Murong Quan."

"Who doesn't know that Murong Quan likes Jiang Yang, who is in the third year of high school, you made it clear that you are going to hit the gun."

"Jiangyang is handsome, and his family is rich. You can't even compare to his clothes. How dare you like Murong Quan?"

"So the lower the trash, the easier it is to overestimate yourself. It's really a shame to treat you better."

"How dare you compare yourself to Jiang Yang with your rubbish?"

The name Jiangyang came into my life with lightning speed. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't erase these two words.

That day, in front of Murong Quan, I knelt on the floor of the toilet, picked up the books soaked in the water one by one, put them back in my schoolbag, then stood up staggeringly, and went to the top floor.

I heard someone behind me say, "This kid didn't run to jump off the building, did he?"

Murong Quan sneered and said, "Then let him dance, it's better if he's dead, he's pure if he's out of sight."

When I came to the top floor, I spread my wet schoolbag and textbooks in the sun, then lay on the railing, staring at the sky in a daze.

Until a hand suddenly reached out and patted my shoulder, saying: "Boy, is there anything you can't think about?"

I turned around and saw the legendary Jiang Yang.

He is very famous in school, and Murong Quan likes him, even if I don't want to know him, I must know him

When Jiang Yang played basketball on the playground, he was always surrounded by screaming girls. I stood on the balcony of the teaching building and often saw him breaking through the encirclement and dunking with a ball from a distance.

Murong Quan, who is domineering in front of everyone, always hides cautiously in a corner when facing Jiang Yang, and doesn't even have the courage to step forward and hand him a bottle of ice water like other girls.

This is like.

Now this Jiang Yang, whom Murong Quan deeply likes, is standing in front of me.

He frowned seriously, as if he thought I was going to commit suicide by jumping off the building, and he held my shoulders tightly, for fear that I would jump.

I didn't even have the courage to look him in the eye, so I lowered my head and whispered, "I'm here to dry the books, I can't think about it."

Jiang Yang froze for a moment, only to find that the floor was covered with wet textbooks, he smiled at himself, ignored me, lit a cigarette and started smoking.

He and I were lying on the railing, blowing smoke rings into the sky.

I was choked by the smoke and coughed a few times. Jiang Yang turned to look at me, bumped me with his elbow, and handed me the cigarette case: "One?"

"Smoking is bad for your health," I said.

Jiang Yang sneered, the breeze blew his hair, and the faint smell of tobacco floated into my nose.

He looked at the sky, and I looked at him, and I heard him muttering, "No matter what happens, don't kill yourself."

I responded to him in my heart: "That's right."

The books dried quickly, I tidied up the books, and before I left, I picked up the cigarette butt he threw on the ground, and said to his back: "Goodbye."

He didn't say anything, let alone look back at me.

When I walked down the first step, Jiang Yang's cell phone rang.

I don't know why I stopped at that time.

I turned around and saw Jiang Yang paused for a few seconds before answering the phone's caller ID, there was a long silence at first, and then he said in a low voice: "Do you still remember that I said before that if you don't get married in the future, I will support you forever? "

Probably a girlfriend. I wonder.

I didn't hear what he said later, so I turned around and prepared to leave. A gust of wind blew, and a test paper I was holding in my arms flew out. I took two steps forward to pick it up, but I saw Jiang Yang who had answered the phone climbed onto the railing at some point and stretched out his foot forward.

Subconsciously, I rushed over and grabbed his hand through the railing before he fell.

As if he woke up suddenly after being bewitched, Jiang Yang stared at me with wide eyes, his body was hanging in the air, I firmly grasped his hand, and said in a trembling voice: "The sentence just now no matter what happens Suicide, is this a joke?"

Jiang Yang smiled wryly: "Some things really can only be solved with death."

He doesn't want to die.

His eyes are full of desire for survival.

The weight on my hand gradually increased, and I squeezed Jiang Yang's hand tightly with all my strength. His wrist had already been strangled with deep red marks.

"As long as there is life, there is hope." I gritted my teeth and said.

"Hope?" There was an emotion in Jiang Yang's eyes that I couldn't understand.

"Everything will be fine." I smiled at him, but I knew I must be smiling badly, "Tomorrow the sun will rise as usual, the sky will still be bright, and the people who like you will still like you. Everything will be fine. "

He stared straight at me, then suddenly stretched out his hand to grab the railing, and said, "What you said makes sense, and the summer vacation is coming soon, so it seems too bad to die now."

"..."

I breathed a sigh of relief, and tried to pull him up. Out of the corner of my eye, I suddenly caught a glimpse of the test papers and textbooks all over the floor. I just threw them away because I wanted to free up my hands to save Jiang Yang.

Murong Quan's disgusted face appeared in front of my eyes in an instant.

The way she ordered me to stay away from her in disgust, the way she picked up the blackboard eraser and threw it at me, the way she raised her hand and threw my textbook into the toilet.

And at first, the way she smiled at me.

If Jiang Yang didn't exist, would she have turned back to the former monitor who seriously pointed out the mistakes in my homework?

Wouldn't it be him who's always on his mind?

Will he not compare me with him, and then wantonly ridicule and humiliate me?

So, what am I doing?

Why go up and pull him?

Why stop him from committing suicide?

Why tell him that as long as he is alive, there is hope that everything will be fine?

Why should I try my best to save the culprit who caused me to fall into the abyss of pain?

As if I suddenly woke up, all the dark and terrible thoughts got into my head in an instant.

Just for a split second.

I looked at Jiang Yang in front of me, he was waiting for me to pull him up.

I slowly let go of his hand and said, "I don't have the strength anymore, hold on to the railing for a while, and I'll ask someone for help."

Jiang Yang looked very tired. The tossing just now consumed a lot of his physical strength. His current strength is only enough to grab the railing, but he still smiled at me: "I'll wait for you."

I turned around, bent down to pick up the test paper and textbook, and the cigarette butt. Not daring to look back at Jiang Yang who was struggling behind him, he rushed downstairs as if fleeing.

There were a few scattered people passing by on the stairs, as long as I called them to stop and took them to the top floor, Jiang Yang would be saved. But my brain and tongue didn't seem to work, and my feet couldn't help trying to escape. I desperately wanted to escape from school, escape from Jiangyang who smiled at me and said he would wait for me.

But as soon as I ran out of the gate on the ground floor of the teaching building, Jiang Yang fell straight to my feet.

I looked down at the bright red blood splashed on my shoes, and then I woke up suddenly.

--I'm waiting for you.

Jiang Yang lay in a pool of blood, his eyes slightly opened, staring at me motionless.

My hands trembled violently, and all the textbooks in my arms fell to the ground. One of the test papers flew onto Jiang Yang's face, just covering his eyes that were staring straight at me.

The ambulance quickly came and dragged away Jiang Yang's body.

However, this is only the beginning.

Standing not far away with cold hands and feet, I saw Jiang Yang standing under the building intact, or his ghost.

He even raised his hand to say hello to me.

So when he showed up in our classroom that night, I thought with astonishment that he must have come back to seek revenge on me.

However.

"I forgot the reason for my suicide," he tilted his head and smiled at me relaxedly as the toilet light flickered on and off, "Go and find out for me."

He forgot.

Forget the reason for suicide, forget all the bad memories, forget about me.

But that still doesn't lessen my fear of him.

But I have no escape.

As long as I am still studying in this school, I will definitely meet him. He is like a dedicated soul behind me, always following me.

I even thought of changing schools in despair.

Until that time I was locked in the equipment room.

I have been afraid of the dark since I was a child. In the small and airtight equipment room, I panicked and couldn't control myself.

The thought of being imprisoned all night plunged me into bottomless despair.

It was Jiang Yang who resolved the uneasiness in my heart.

Although he frowned impatiently, cursed, and even threatened me to find a reason to commit suicide for him.

But he was like a luminous body, illuminating the small and closed dark space, making my uneasy and flustered heart slowly calm down.

That night we were sitting on the mattress in the equipment room, and he told me bad jokes one after another. If I didn’t laugh, he would scowler at me with a straight face. Clear your throat and move on to the next one.

Actually...he's not that scary.

I gradually got used to Jiang Yang's following, the playful look on Jiang Yang's face, Jiang Yang's impatient swearing, the curved corners of Jiang Yang's mouth, and Jiang Yang's appearance at the school gate every morning, with his hands in his pockets rushing at me Good morning.

He was the first friend I made in my life.

Friend, what a warm word.

However, this friend who brought me infinite warmth was killed by my own hands.

He followed me without knowing anything, frowned at me and smiled at me, and even offered to help me pursue Murong Quan.

The remorse in my heart became deeper and deeper as time went by.

If only I hadn't let go of it then.

If Jiang Yang doesn't want to restore his memory, it would be nice if he stays with me all the time.

We read comics, watch football games, and chat together.

I thought we could just live like this for the rest of our lives.

Everything is just what I thought.

When Jiang Nan said calmly, "Jiang Yang committed suicide because of me", I raised my hand and tried to slap her for Jiang Yang.

But the person who is least qualified to slap me is actually me.

It was me who gave Jiang Yang the courage to live at the last moment, but it was me who let go of Jiang Yang's hand.

I am the most unforgivable culprit.

And Jiang Nan leaned close to my ear and whispered, "Sooner or later, I will remember."

Sooner or later everything will be remembered.

Sooner or later, all the memories before suicide will be restored.

Sooner or later, he will remember that his own sister and my so-called good friend are the real reasons for his death.

Sooner or later, Jiang Yang, who is sunny, optimistic, and carefree, will become a resentful spirit who is swallowed alive by darkness and pain.

The warm and healing smile will disappear sooner or later.

I don't have the courage to imagine what kind of expression Jiang Yang will look at me when he knows the truth.

Don't even dare to think about it.

On the day I promised Jiangnan to assist them in sending Jiang Yang to heaven, Jiang Yang and I traveled to every corner of the campus together.

He hung out with me knowing nothing, thinking that I just wanted to visit the school on a whim.

Little did I know I was planning to leave fond memories of being with him.

When we came to the playground, Jiang Yang made a standard shooting posture again. After accepting my admiring gaze, he said proudly: "You guys practice hard for me, and try to join the school basketball team. When the time comes, you will be the captain. Don't worry about it." Girls chase!"

I coughed and said, "...I don't want to be chased by girls.""That boy?" Jiang Yang glanced at me sideways.

I was embarrassed and said nothing.

Jiang Yang laughed jokingly, and then said solemnly: "When the time comes, I'll leave it to you to teach Murong Quan how to shoot."

I was stunned, looking at the serious expression on his face, my chest was slightly stuffy.

Then went to the equipment room.

Jiang Yang squatted down to study the door of the equipment room, and said: "Next time if you are locked inside again, kick the door with all your strength. I have observed that this broken iron door is already rusted, and it will open as soon as you kick it. .”

It doesn't matter if you don't kick it away, anyway, you are with me.

I really want to tell him that.

But when the words came to his lips, they turned into a faint "um".

Then there is the library.

"When I was alive, I never came to the library once." Jiang Yang stood in front of a row of bookshelves. He looked very docile in a white shirt, and looked like a good student who came to the library to study seriously.

"I've been following you here to read comics for the past few days, and it feels good." Jiang Yang continued, as if he had taken a fancy to a book on the shelf, and reached out to get it, so he walked through it as a matter of course

With a sore nose, I reached out and took out the book he wanted, and saw the title on the cover, "I'm Always Within Your Reach".

I'm always within your reach.

We can never touch each other.

canteen.

Jiang Yang kept telling me which dishes were delicious and which ones were s**t.

"You're not short, but you're too thin. I can blow you out of school with one breath." Jiang Yang looked my body up and down, then suddenly moved closer to me, and blew lightly on me.

I had a black line on my face: "You really plan to blow me away."

"So," Jiang Yang coughed, "In order not to be blown away by me, you have to eat more."

"Yeah." I nodded with a smile.

Jiang Yang pointed to window No. 2: "The elder sister at that window served the most rice and meat pieces each time, and the spoons she used were the cleanest. Remember to queue at No. 2 in the future."

I was surprised that Jiang Yang paid attention to these details, and the next second I heard him touch his chin and say, "And that big sister has big breasts."

"..."

And finally the swimming pool.

We stood side by side by the pool, and the scene of being pushed into the pool by Chen Huashan that day is still vivid in my memory.

Jiang Yang, who resolutely knelt down to Chen Huashan and Yuan Li at that time, is always imprinted in my mind. I remember the expression on his face at that time, and I know all about his pain and despair.

Just a few days ago, Chen Huashan and Yuan Li died.

It is said that Chen Huashan was carrying Yuan Li on a motorcycle and hit a utility pole on the side of the road. Yuan Li in the back seat of the car was thrown three meters away and hit his head hard on the concrete floor, while Chen Huashan was pierced by parts of the motorcycle chest.

It was on the local news and everyone was talking about their deaths.

I didn't tell Jiang Yang about this. Although they were ruthless betrayers, Jiang Yang certainly didn't want them to end their lives that way. Even saddened by their death. Jiang Yang is such a kind fool.

I turned to look at Jiang Yang beside me, who was also staring at me.

We stared at each other for a long time, the breeze brushed my cheek, it was itchy, but I had no time to reach out to scratch it.

Until Jiang Yang spoke to break the silence: "Jump down."

……ha?

"You have to learn to swim," he said seriously.

I took two steps back: "I'm afraid of water."

"The more afraid you are, the more you have to attack it." Jiang Yang made a gesture to let me jump down.

I turned around and left, and Jiang Yang's roar came from behind: "How the hell are you like a b***h!"

I continued to run forward quickly, and he easily caught up with me: "Okay, okay, I won't force you."

I breathed a sigh of relief.

Then he heard him muttering in a low voice: "Anyway, the days ahead will be long, and there will be plenty of time to urge you to learn to swim."

——Anyway, the days to come will be long.

I stop.

"Why?" Jiang Yang raised his eyebrows.

"It's nothing," I smiled at him, "I'll learn to swim."

He nodded in satisfaction, put his hands in his pockets, and walked in front of me alone, leaving me with the back of his head.

I slowly followed behind him, mouthing his back and saying, I'm sorry.

I ended up being a betrayer too, sorry.

I can't keep my promise to spend the rest of my life with you, I'm sorry.

Jiang Yang seemed to have sensed something, turned his head to look at me, there seemed to be a strange smile on the corner of his mouth, when I tried to see clearly, he turned his head away again.

The next day, Teacher Li did not come to school. Our class has another acting head teacher.

The acting homeroom teacher announced to us with a sad expression: "Your teacher Li was robbed last night. Because he fought hard, he was brutally killed by gangsters. The gangsters are still missing. I hope everyone pays attention to safety when going out while mourning Teacher Li... ..."

I was stunned for a moment, and my palms were covered with cold sweat.

Yuan Li, Chen Huashan, and Teacher Li died one after another.

Is it really just a coincidence?

Looking up, I saw Jiang Yang who was leaning against the door of our classroom as usual, tilting his head and smiling at me.

I hammered my head hard to drive away those abnormal thoughts.

Just by accident.

Well, it must have been an accident.

Teacher Li has passed away. I thought that the matter of Jiang Yang's ascension to heaven was over, but I received a call from Jiang Nan.

She said calmly: "I will find a way to hire other mages. In short, Jiang Yang must disappear in the near future."

"Are you really doing it for Jiang Yang?" I said.

Jiang Nan didn't say a word.

I continued: "Are you really sure that Mr. Li, or some other mage, can make Jiang Yang successfully ascend to heaven? In fact, no one can be sure about this kind of thing? If Jiang Yang did not ascend to heaven, but was beaten into ten Doesn't it matter to you whether it's the eighth hell, or the ghost is gone?"

After a long silence, Jiangnan chuckled on the other end of the phone: "They are already dead anyway, does it make any difference whether they go to heaven or hell?"

The hand holding the phone was clenched tightly, and I raised the volume: "You are still for yourself after all, you are afraid of being resented by Jiang Yang, afraid of retaliation!"

Jiang Nan seemed to collapse all of a sudden, and roared: "What do you know?! If you were the one who killed Jiang Yang, you would be terrified every day like me! Fearing that one day he would be killed by his ghost! Now Chen Huashan Yuan Li and the man surnamed Li are already dead, if I don't take action, I will be the next to die! He will come to kill me! He will definitely come..."

If you were the one who killed Jiang Yang.

If you were the one who killed Jiang Yang.

Obviously...it's me.

"No. No." I muttered to myself until I hung up the phone.

Jiang Yang can't get out of school, Jiang Yang is a kind i***t, no matter what, the person who killed Yuan Li and the others couldn't be Jiang Yang

No way.

It won't be his.

"Qian Xiaodao!" Murong Quan's shout brought my thoughts back to reality, "Take me home after school tonight!"

"Huh?" I was taken aback.

Murong Quan blushed a little, but his mouth was still full of momentum: "It's not because I'm afraid of gangsters that I dare not go home alone!"

I nodded helplessly: "Got it."

Murong Quan felt relieved, turned around and returned to his seat, but stretched out his head to look at me, with a look of hesitation. When I was about to ask a question, she glared at me again and turned her head away from me.

Even though Murong Quan is headstrong, arrogant and has a bad temper, she is actually just a timid and awkward little girl.

I used to regard her as a dazzling light, and even let go of Jiang Yang's hand because of her, but now I seem to have really gained her attention.

But my liking for her is burdened with the selfishness and darkness deep in my heart, and Jiang Yang's life, which is too heavy for me to breathe.

So, had to let go.

On the way to send Murong Quan home, we were silent to each other. When we passed the Fountain Square, she stopped suddenly, raised her wrist to look at her watch, a smile slowly appeared on her face, and silently said: "One, two, three!"

As soon as she finished speaking, the fountain spurted out, forming a huge and beautiful water column, and the water splashed on my face. I raised my hand to wipe it, but Murong Quan suddenly came over, held my hand, and stood on tiptoe kissed my lips.

I just stood there, my mind blank. .

Gorgeous lights accompanied by beautiful water columns, Murong Quan's shining eyes and soft lips, and the full and bright moon in the night sky.

When the water column fell, Murong Quan left my lips, looked at me and smiled: "Do you like it?"

"Huh?" I covered my hot cheeks.

"Where do you want to go? I asked you if you like this fountain?" Murong Quan snorted coldly.

I stammered: "Hi, I like it."

"You're blushing, you look like a bitch." Murong Quan frowned, "You don't need to see me off, I'll go home by myself, goodbye."After she finished speaking, she turned and left.

I wanted to follow, but she turned her head and stared at me impatiently: "Don't follow me!"

Looking at her leaving back, I felt a strange sense of disobedience in my heart.

Whether it's the kiss just now, or her various performances tonight.

Until noon the next day, when I was eating lunch in the cafeteria, I received a call from Mother Jiang, telling me that Jiang Nan had been sent to a mental hospital. Last night when she was alone at home, she suddenly went crazy, yelling and talking nonsense, and no one knew what happened.

My heart began to sink little by little.

When returning to the classroom, I passed by Murong Quan's seat and said, "Thank you for saving me from the swimming pool that day."

Murong Quan stared at me like he was looking at a psychopath: "Save you from the swimming pool? What are you talking about?"

I continued: "The fountain was beautiful last night."

Murong Quan couldn't bear it anymore and slapped the table: "What nonsense are you talking about? What fountain?"

The doubts in my heart were confirmed in an instant.

Last night by the fountain, Murong Quan complained about my phrase "Like a b***h".

It's Jiang Yang's mantra.

And the direction Murong Quan went after leaving me was Jiang Yang's house.

I thought Murong Quan's house was in the same direction as Jiang Yang's house.

However, Murong Quan has been staying at the school for the past few days because he was punished by the principal.

Why did Murong Quan, who has always been domineering and domineering and spit on me, jump down in the heavy rain to save me from drowning?

Chen Huashan and Yuan Li, who were running wildly on a motorcycle, were hiding what, and what kind of thing could make them crash into the electric pole in shock.

Why did the strict and meticulous Teacher Li suddenly break into the house of a gangster, unless the gangster is someone he is familiar with.

What could drive Jiangnan crazy.

There is only one possibility, Murong Quan who was possessed by Jiang Yang.

Murong Quan stayed at school every day, so he was undoubtedly the most convenient object of possession.