Lunar Vow

Fangs and Fury

Fenris jolts awake, palms sweaty, heart racing, sweat soaking through his shirt onto his sheets, lifting his body off his bed into a sitting position, he searches around his room, realizing that it was a dream, hitting him as he feels his body slowly start to calm, “What the f**k was that?” He whispers to himself.

Sticky from sweat, and head to the bathroom for a shower. Entering the bathroom, I throw my towel down on the counter, lay my folded clean clothes next to it, and turn on the water. Once the bathroom started to look like the inside of a steam room, I undressed and got in.

Standing under the water, I stare at the bottom of the tub, letting the scorching hot water flow over my muscles, hoping that it relaxes the tension. After a few minutes, I wash my hair and body, turn the water off, and step out into the cold and crisp air.

Feeling the chill bumps start to form on my arms, I grab my shaving cream and razor from the drawer, wipe the steam from the mirror, and begin shaving my face. Once I finish, I dry off what hasn't already air dried, throw my clothes on, and head back to bed. After what felt like hours of lying there staring, attempting to go back to sleep, I looked over and glanced at the clock next to my bed: three o’clock AM, “f**k” I say to myself before getting up and heading to the kitchen for a bite to eat.

Arriving at the kitchen entrance, I see that someone else in the house had the same idea as I did. Upon entering, I hear someone rummaging through the fridge, not being able to see who it is, I make the “mhmm” sound as if clearing my throat.

“Oh, Oh my goodness, Fenris, when did you get in here?” Serena says in a startled tone.

“I came down here to get some food. I didn't think anyone else was awake. Sorry to disrupt you. I’ll just come back down later,” I replied, not wanting to have a Kumbaya about our feelings and whatnot at three o’clock in the morning. As I start to turn around and walk back upstairs, Serena grabs my shoulder and stops me.

“What,are you're that hurt about everything you can't even be in the same room with me? Come on, Fenris, sit, have a meal and a drink with me, I promise I won't bite you or anything. I'll even sit on the opposite side of the table from you so you won't even know I'm here if that's what you want.”

“Yes, Serena, I am really that hurt.” I paused debating on if I wanted to have this conversation with her at at this hour of the night.

“What did I do that hurt you so much that you can’t even be in the same room with me for a meal, Fenris? I don’t understand it, please explain it to me . Maybe I can do something to make it up to you.” She said with sincerity in her tone

Looking into her bright blue eyes, I sighed, “You left Serena. That's what you did. You, you left without a goodbye, without an explanation.” I could feel the words start to bring tears to my eyes as I said them. I could hear my voice cracking, and my hands began to shake. "I loved you Serena ." I said in a soft voice.

“You what, Fenris?” Serena said close enough for me to smell her perfume. God, I always loved the way her perfume smelled of roses and vanilla.

“I, said I loved you, Serena.”

“I loved you, too, Fenris. You were my best friend. You are my best friend.” She stated clearly not understanding what I meant.

“No, Serena, you don't understand. Yes, you were my best friend, but I always wanted more than that with you. I was in love with you. In fact, I was so in love with you that I would have burned the entire world to the ground if you had asked me to. So in love with you that when you left, it was like my entire world had exploded. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t leave my room for weeks after you left. You left and not only broke our friendship, but you broke me too. So yes, you hurt me so much that I can’t stand to be in the same room as you. Being in the same town, nonetheless, the same room as you is torture, a constant reminder that I didn’t mean to you what you meant to me.

The second I saw you in my kitchen talking to my mom the other day. I heard your voice, smelled your perfume, it was like the wounds that you created when you left, the wounds I spent so much time healing from had been reopened all over again. Because when I smell your scent, see your bright and beautiful blue eyes, hear your soft and elegant voice it reminds me of all the good times we had together . I wont relive that pain again.” I felt the warmth of a tear run down my cheek as I finished speaking. I quickly spun around so she didn’t see me cry.

“Oh, Fenris, I am so sorry, but please, it wasn’t because I didn’t care, because trust me, I did care, I cared so much so much. Leaving town was easy, but leaving you was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It crushed me more than you know. Please, just let me explain.” She spoke, reaching out to grab my hand, but I pulled away.

“No, you had your chance to find me, to tell me you were leaving. To tell me why you were leaving. That chance is gone and has been for a very long time, Serena. You want to make it up to me. If you really want to show me how sorry you are, then go, go back to wherever you went all those years ago. Just do me a favor and leave, and don't bother coming back. I don't want to “fix” things. I sure as f**k don't want to make up with you and go back to how things were. Honestly, I wish you had stayed gone.” I spoke these words with the intention of hurting her, hopefully as much as she had hurt me when she left me behind.

“Fenris, please,” she begged, “let me explain I-im so sorry.” She pleaded, tears running down her face.

I stop at the end of the steps, “If you're truly as sorry as you say, then do as I ask, leave and forget I ever even existed,” I said the words knowing I didn’t actually believe them, but to protect myself, I had to. Lying silently in my bed, it's quiet, the only sound coming from the rain starting outside, but none of it feels like it’s really here. It’s like the whole world has pulled back a few feet and left me in some still pocket of air that doesn’t move.

I stare at the ceiling and try not to think about her. That only makes me think about her more. It’s strange how the mind refuses to listen. Her face comes in pieces—a smile, the turn of her head, a way of looking at me that used to make everything else fade out.

I wonder if she’s asleep or lying in her bed just feet away down the hall, doing as I am, staring at the ceiling, replaying the memories that burn a hole right through my chest before fading back into that heavy numbness I’ve been carrying.

Somehow, this time seems worse, the pain like a knife being stabbed into my chest a million times over and over without pause. I close my eyes and try to picture morning, Light coming through the blinds, the world asking me to get up and move again. But I can’t feel that kind of day anymore. The room stays dark. The silence stays thick. I listen to my own breathing because it’s the only proof I have that I’m still here.

I continue to lie there, the inability to bring myself to stand up, the thought of seeing her face once again scares the s**t out of me. “How the ever-loving s**t did I let her f**k with my head yet again?” I keep asking myself this question time and again.