Lunar Vow

When The Wolf Dreams

Shutting the door, Fenris feels his heart still pounding. Walking back to his desk and sitting down, he attempts to study for his test tomorrow, but the only thing he can think about is her.

Feeling the pain of his wolf clawing at him from inside, begging to be reunited with hers, old emotions flowing through the cracks of the wall he had surrounded them in, threatening to break through and flood his memories, destroying all the walls he worked so hard to build. Attempting to focus on his studies, he eventually gives up and decides to just go to bed, hoping that sleep finds him quickly.

Eyes opening, he looks around the walls surrounding him, which are unfamiliar to him, and realizes quickly that he is not in his room anymore. Walking through the dark room that he is in, he searches for a light when suddenly he hears a noise behind him, turning around to see what or who it is his line of sight is drawn to a crib that floats seamlessly in the middle of the space, not quite touching the ground, gently rocking on its own.

Walking towards it, Fenris sees a small child lying there, wrapped in a small blue blanket, sleeping peacefully. The child's cheeks are round and glowing with a faint, impossible light, as though moonlight is coming from within their skin. The baby’s chest rises and falls in slow, exaggerated breaths, each inhale making a faint shimmer ripple through the room.

Suddenly, a woman appears not by walking in but by seemingly appearing from the darkness at the left side of the crib. Her hair falls loose around her shoulders, catching the ambient glow from the baby. She is wearing a simple cotton nightgown that moves as if underwater, the fabric trailing behind her, blurring at the edges. She leans over the crib, and the child can hear the soft sound of a lullaby, but the words are indistinct, like a song heard through a wall. Even so, the melody feels familiar, carrying a sense of safety that sinks deep into his chest.

Emerging from the shadow near a barely visible doorway. Unlike his mother, his shape appears in fragments at first—hands, shoulders, the tilt of a head—and then comes together, as though the dream is reconstructing still images into a moving figure.

Barefoot, in simple, worn sweatpants and a t-shirt, the kind of clothes a parent wears during long nights awake with a newborn. He comes to the crib and places one hand on the rail, the other resting softly on the baby’s chest. The moment his father’s hand makes contact, the rocking of the crib slows to match the rhythm of the baby’s breathing.

The baby’s eyes suddenly open, dark and wide, reflecting tiny pinpoints of light like distant stars. The infant looks first at the mother, then at the father, then—impossibly—straight at him, for a moment, the three gazes align, forming a silent triangle of recognition. Fenris feels a rush of warmth spread from his chest to his fingers, a sensation of belonging so strong that it almost aches.

Standing there looking at the two parents, he tries to make out the details of their faces, but both are blurred as if staring into a stream of moving water. No sound around him as if he was watching a silent movie, he reaches for them both when everything around him disperses, and suddenly he is outside.

Again, no sounds, just blurred faces and trees covered in snow. The people around him are running, the sense of terror fills his body down to his soul, turning around, he sees his reflection in the window of one of the buildings, quickly realizing that he is no longer in his own body but the body of the infant he had just seen only moments ago. Fenris could feel the cold air nipping at his nose, the rough texture of the blanket wrapped around him touching his skin, and the pressure of the man's strength holding him tightly to his chest. Fenris looks up only to see the man whose face remains unknown looking down at him. The feeling of terror grows stronger in his chest as he searches for the woman, but she is nowhere to be seen. Before he knew it, they were running, everything around him speeding passed him faster than his little eyes could make out what it was. Not understanding what was going on, he curled his body further into the man's body, closing his eyes in hope that once they opened again, everything would be different, and they were. Fenris opened his eyes, and the scenery around him had changed; they were no longer running; the feeling of terror was no longer there, but replaced by a sense of sadness. When he looked up, the man was lying him down on the cold ground, the only sound being his own cries.

Reaching for the man attempting to gain the feeling of warmth back, the man touches his face and says, “One day, dear boy, when it is safe, we will reunite once more,” and disappears into the night.

Jolting awake Fenris sits up, his heart racing, face wet with tears, body shaking as if he was still outside in the snow The feeling of terror and loneliness still seeping through his body. He searching the room around him realizing he is back in his own bed. That it was just a dream, he lays back down hoping but doubting that sleep will find him once more.

Lying in his bed, staring at the ceiling, waiting for the sunlight to slowly rise, greeting the new day, Fenris, when his alarm started ringing, notifying him it was time to get up and go to school. As he began to get dressed, head ringing, body and eyes heavy from exhaustion, the smell of vanilla and lavender filled his nose. Immediately, his wolf started clawing at him from the inside, and he knew Serena was close by.

*knock, knock, knock” Fenris hears on his bedroom door. “Fenris, Fenris, it’s Serena, I'm about to leave for school, and it’s raining, so I wanted to see if you wanted a ride since you only have your bike?” Serena says waiting by his door for an answer.

Once he's done getting dressed he grabs his bag and begins to exit his room when he reaches for the door knob and his hand comes to a holt “If I open that door now, im going to see her, im going to smell her scent, my wolf is going to go crazy begging to make contact with her” he thought to himself “im exhausted and its raining but I also dont know If I can handle seeing her right now, not after— not after that dream I had, imagined too emotionally vunerable to handle that today, but on the other hand it is raining and to be quite frank I do not feel like sitting through all of my classes soaking wet until I dry.” He thinks to himself “ah f**k it here goes nothing.” He says before opening the door to see Serena standing there waiting for him to make an appearance.

“Good morning, Fenris, um—would you—would you like that ride?” She says stammering over her words, and without speaking a word, I nod my head yes and begin walking down the stairs and out the front door.

On the drive to school, the air was thick with tension, and the silence was almost louder than the blaring noises from the outside world. Finally, we arrive at the school, and the awkwardness could end, as I was beginning to exit the car, Serena grabbed my shoulder, “Fenris, wait, can we please talk for a second? I really need to tell you something, and if I don't tell you now, I may not get the chance again.”

Sitting there, feeling her touch on my skin, her scent filling my nose like a drug I needed to have, her voice like a song stuck in my head on repeat, my heart racing as if I had just run a marathon, my wolf clawing to get out, begging for more. Wanting so bad to turn around and just kiss her, but knowing I can’t, knowing that if I do, then the already weakened walls that I've built will shatter, and all of the memories of us will come flooding back, knowing that mentally that would break me, leaving no chance of being repaired.

“I can’t, Serena, I’m sorry, I just- I don’t want to hear it,” I said before exiting the vehicle and walking into the school with nothing but the feeling of anger and dispear coming from inside me, coming from my wolf who so badly wants something I won't let it have.