More than Distance

20

“Do you still have feelings for him?” Maddie asked.

“No, definitely not. Last time I saw him I kissed him and said I loved him and he rejected me, telling me he saw me as a little sister and nothing more. I put him out of my mind after that and moved on. Seeing him again brought back all that old humiliation and made it fresh again.” I took a big gulp of wine. “Not to mention, he seems to be a complete asshole now. I probably won’t see him again for a long time anyway. He’s only in town a short while.”

“They say you never get over your first love.” Becca waved around her wine glass. “I think that’s bullshit, but maybe it’s true for some people.”

“I am over him! Really. It’s just that I’m a bit emotional after what happened with Daryl, and then my parents splitting up. I didn’t need the reminder of my first heartbreak to top it all off.” I gave them both a warm smile. “Thanks for listening to me.”

“We’re here for you, whatever you need,” Maddie said.

I took another cookie instead of pointing out the obvious—that even though they said that, they were both leaving in a few days and then I would be truly, completely alone.

A year ago, Maddie, Julie, and I had been roommates all going to UCLA and life had seemed full of possibilities. Now we’d all graduated and everyone was moving on but me. Julie had moved to New York to start her fashion career with her hot British boyfriend. Maddie and Becca were in a famous rock band that was going on tour this summer to promote their new album. And then there was me.

Don’t get me wrong. I was incredibly happy for my friends and wanted nothing but the best for them. They deserved every bit of success they’d worked so hard for and it warmed my heart knowing they had amazing futures ahead of them. But they’d all found their soul mates and now they were leaving, while I was stuck here by myself with no career, no home, and no boyfriend. Was there a word that meant when you were both incredibly envious of a friend but also incredibly happy for them? If so, it would perfectly sum up my emotional state right now.

I glanced around at all the half-packed boxes. “What am I going to do?”

“I still think you should go on the show,” Becca said.

I groaned. “I’m not going on the show.”

Maddie gave me a sympathetic smile. “I totally understand. Julie’s going to be sad you’re not moving to New York, but it’s not the end of the world. Most of your friends and family are here in LA and we’ll help you however we can. You can stay with one of us for a while. In no time at all you’ll find a new apartment and a new job.”

“And a new guy,” Becca added.

“No guys,” I said. “I’m glad you’ve both found perfect boyfriends, I really am. But I’m done with romance and relationships for the time being. I think it’s best if I was single for a while until I get my life back on track.”

Becca grinned. “I’ll raise a glass to that. You need to have some fun! You’ve been in nothing but serious relationships for so long, and you need to get over Daryl and his dirty d**k. Preferably with some other dicks.”

Maddie gasped. “Becca!”

“What? The girl needs to get laid by someone really hot. Like this Ryan guy who just came back to town. What about a quick fling before he goes home? Just to get him out of your system.”

I shook my head vigorously. “No way. Definitely not. Every time I talk to him I want to strangle him.”

Becca shrugged. “Hey, if that’s what gets you off.”

Maddie shook her head. “I’m not sure Carla is the type for a quick fling.”

Becca leaned forward and her voice dropped, like she was conspiring with us. “The old Carla wouldn’t have one. But the new Carla who has nothing to lose? She can sleep with a guy once and move on.” She sat back with a naughty smile on her lips. “C’mon, you know you’re curious what he’s like in bed. Have you ever seen him naked?”

I felt my cheeks burn. “Um. Not since I was eleven and he was thirteen.”

“Okay, probably not a good idea to bring up that mental image. But listen. You want to get over this guy once and for all? You bang his brains out and use him to get over Daryl at the same time.”

I fell back on the couch with a groan. “I wish it was that easy, but I don’t think I could separate s*x and emotions. I’m just not made like that. When I date a guy, and especially when I sleep with him, I have to believe it can last. I want…” But I couldn’t finish the sentence.

“What do you want?” Maddie asked softly.

I stared into my empty wine glass. “I was going to say I want what my parents have. That’s all I’ve ever wanted—a marriage like theirs. But now it’s over, so maybe Becca’s right. Maybe I should just sleep around and enjoy myself and not worry about the future, because it’s not like relationships last anyway.”

“You know you don’t believe that.” Maddie threw her arms around me. “Your forever guy is out there somewhere, I promise.”

“But until you find him, think about what I said.” Becca winked. “Nothing wrong with having a little short-term fun sometimes.”

Could I really do that—sleep with Ryan and then move on? No, probably not. I didn’t think it would be something a girl could ever forget. But the idea was tempting, assuming he would even be interested.

The girls played me part of a new song they were practicing in preparation for their upcoming tour this summer with their band Villain Complex. I loved watching them get lost in the songs, but it also reinforced how much of an outcast I was. Maddie and Becca had music. Julie had fashion. I had nothing anymore.