Death After Life

I looked at my boyfriend, and best friend of over two decades. His freckles dotting his nose right below his black glasses. The frames were too large for his face, but every time I brought it up he would smile and say it couldn't be helped. A shame really, because they made his usually soft features seem harsh. In the rare moments he would remove them, his entire face would change from that of a studious know-it-all to a truly handsome man. Of course, I never mentioned this to him. He held no value in looks. "Why are you looking at me so intently?" he asked, bringing his eyes up from the schedule he was working on. "Just admiring you," I replied. I put her hand on his and fluttered my eyes dramatically. He rolled his eyes in response. "Sure," he said, bringing his attention back to the paper in front of him. "I won't say you should be studying for your horticulture class instead of gawking at me. Instead, I'll just point out that you still have a blank notepad in front of you." "Oops," I said grinning. He gave me a blank stare. I laid back on my small, dorm-issued mattress. "You know I don't actually need to study for this class. I've been studying plants my entire life, courtesy of my mom's alternative summer schools. My name is Terra, for Christ's sake." "Just be thankful your parents didn't name you Gaia," he responded, scribbling in his notepad as he talked. I sighed. "Don't remind me. I can't believe our parents. We couldn't have normal names like Rebecca or Chris. Instead, we get stuck with Terra and Janus." I stretched out my legs, secretly hoping that he'd pull them into his lap but knowing he'd rather be cramped and uncomfortable than affectionate. "That's what happens when mythology professors name their kids." He paused briefly to adjust, squishing himself into the wall to give my legs room. I felt a twinge of disappointment before mentally chastising myself for my foolishness. "I kind of miss our family dinners. Your parents arguing with mine about whether the Romans or the Greeks were better." He chuckled and shook his head. My mood brightened thinking about our parents. "Do you think we should go home this weekend? We could call both our parents and set up another game night." Unlike my peers, I loved going home from college to visit my parents. They were wonderful people, and as I aged they changed from being alternative parents to being interesting friends. The thought of going home and visiting their gardens, stopping to take a look at the statues of gods or goddesses, had me suddenly beaming with happiness. Having heard my excitement, Janus looked at me and grinned. "I doubt we'll be able to do anything this weekend if you don't start studying." I rubbed my forehead, my mood having been deflated once again. "Fine. But if I have to study then I'm going to the greenhouse." I jumped up and started gathering my textbooks. "Are you sure you don't want to stay here? Won't you get distracted?" Janus asked, looking at me with skepticism. I zipped open my backpack, maybe a little harder than I normally would. "Being around all the plants helps me think," I grumbled, shoving my notepad in with my other books, on top of the mess of pens and random bits of paper at the bottom of my bag (something Janus always told me to organize). "Not to mention I can actually see what I'm studying. I'd rather have the real-life version than a drawing in a textbook." I said, zipping up my bag and throwing it over my shoulder. He stood up next to me, looking concerned. "I'll walk you," he offered. "Just to make sure you get there safe." I looked into his deep blue eyes. "I'll be fine. It's barely a mile away. Not to mention it's broad daylight and we have security constantly making routes around campus." Janus didn't look convinced, his worry clear as day with the wrinkles in his forehead getting more pronounced by the minute. I was used to this though. Ever since I could remember, Janus had always been overprotective of me. Sometimes I swore he would look at me just to check if I was still breathing. Even when we were toddlers, both of our parents had predicted we would end up together based on the amount of hovering he did. Going to the playground with him as a kid had been a nightmare until I decided to make a game of it. Seeing how red Janus's face could get ended up being my favorite pastime. That was until we grew up. Suddenly, tormenting my boyfriend seemed cruel instead of fun, especially with how many new worries he seemed to find. Still, I wanted just a moment to myself. The constant rejection I felt from his lack of intimacy was starting to weigh on me. I needed some fresh air (and space) to clear my mind. I put a smile on that I didn't really feel then said, "You'll just distract me even more." I leaned up and kissed his cheek, causing him to flinch. "You can stay here if you want," I said awkwardly. "I won't be gone long." He sat down, turning his face away from me and spreading out his things on the bed. "Alright, but make sure you text me when you get there so I know you're okay." "Sure," I responded. I quickly began walking toward the door so he wouldn't have time to change his mind. "And watch out for cyclists while you're walking. They can be crazy with the way they ride. Oh, and don't forget to wait a second for the stopwalk light. Sometimes cars will speed through the last second. Oh, and-" "Bye Mom!" I yelled, walking out and shutting the door. I took a second to take a breath before I started the trek out of my dorm building. Honestly, Janus could be so infuriating. One second he's completely denying any and all advances I'm making, and the next he's worrying about me and being such a caring boyfriend. It was hard to keep up. I stepped out of the building and out into the warm sunlight. Finally. This is what I'd been looking forward to. Feeling the warmth of the sun on my face along with the crisp, autumn air always did wonders for my psyche. The changing leaves began to match the redness of my hair and the light brown freckles covering my body. It was like the world was telling me I wasn't alone. I walked down the sidewalk, enjoying being alone in a city full of people. Every car driving by, every light on in every building, every student racing down the street was living their own lives. They all told the story of someone's past, present, or future and I was a visitor getting to see a moment of that journey. As I walked, I saw a couple ahead of me holding hands. They were looking at each other so affectionately; I almost had to look away. Even though they were only holding hands, there was so much intimacy and love on their faces. It was something I had never experienced with Janus. He looked after me, he took care of me, he even loved me in his own way. But he never looked at me like that, and I know I never looked at him the way this girl was looking at the man beside her. Could we ever be like that? I tried to initiate moments with Janus. He had barely ever kissed me on the cheek. Anytime I complained or tried asking for more, he would assure me that our intimacy was formed out of trust. He would say that we grew up together, had known each other all of our lives, and that we didn't need to make up for lost time. I wish he understood that sometimes a girl wants a little fire in her veins to make her feel alive. I was so caught up in watching the couple ahead of me, that I didn't realize the light had changed. I never saw the red sign telling me to stop, didn't register that the loud horn and high-pitched squealing sound could be directed at me. All I saw before the major impact rocketed my body, was the boy leaning down to kiss the girl on the lips. I watched as these two beautiful, happy people experienced everything I ever wanted out of life, the moment mine was ending. I felt everything all at once. The impact, the fall, the pain, everything. While I lay there in agony, I thought of the lovers' kiss momentarily before remembering Janus warned me to be careful. "Oops" I said, before falling into complete darkness.