Beyond Memories in Dreamland

10 Years Later

I sprang out of bed in a cold sweat. My hair was stuck to my forehead and the sides of my face and I was panting as if I had just run a marathon. Not again, I can't keep having these dreams. I need sleep. I'd been having these kinds of dreams for the last 10 years, flashbacks of my life from years 1-7 on repeat. At 17 you would think that I would stop having nightmares, but that's just it isn't it, these aren't normal nightmares they're memories. At least that's what my social worker Joy keeps telling me. That particular night appears in my nightmares more than the rest of my memories sometimes it feels like it's playing in my mind on a constant loop.

I do my best to calm my breathing.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Just like Joy taught you.

Come on Richelle breathe damn it. In. Out.

I place my hand over my chest. I can do this!

In. Out.

I can feel my breathing start to come back to normal. Good girl!

In and out.

As my breathing starts to regulate and I feel my body start to relax, my panic dissipates I blink a few times for my bedroom to come into view. It's so different than the one in my dream. I look around taking in the familiarity of my life now. The walls are an off white color but they are far from bare. They are covered strategically and neatly with my paintings, drawings, and photographs all framed and showcasing my favorite pieces. In front of me is my bedroom door and to the right there is a shelf above my desk with my academic awards and achievements. On the desk is a framed picture of Britt and I, along with my MacBook Air which is currently playing a slideshow of my photographs as a screen saver. My backpack is lazily laying against the white desk chair. On the other side of the door is my easel with my latest painting coming into view. To my right my view goes out my window and I can see down the street through the tree branches from the giant oak tree in the front yard of the house. I look over to my nightstand between my bed and the window to check the time..

11:35 on Friday Night. Great! Just Great! For once I would like to actually sleep through to Saturday! Just once! I look up towards the ceiling "Is that too much to ask huh... is it too much to ask to be able to sleep through just one f*****g night" I'm not sure who the hell I'm talking to maybe god, maybe myself, or maybe Andy, whoever it is I hope they heard me.

I look back from the ceiling to the picture on my night stand as I flip on my bedside light. It's a picture of Britt, Gypsy, James and I on the day Britt and I finally came to live with them. Britt's smile is SO wide it reaches all the way into her eyes and if you look closely you can see that they have little sparkles in them. Gypsy is cry-smiling from happiness, she and James had to fight for a year and a half before the judge finally agreed that it would be best for us if we stayed with "stable" family members. He only decided this after we had been tossed around the foster care system for a while and landed in several bad homes that we had to be removed from. James is smiling in the picture as well and looking down on me in amusement hugging onto me tight. If you didn't know me you would think I was happy in the picture, but looking at it now I can see the look in my eyes... it's weary. Don't get me wrong I was happy to finally be with my aunt and uncle I'd always liked them and they had always come to visit us... even before, but I couldn't get over the thought that maybe one day they wouldn't want us either. And that thought was written all over my face in the photo.

I pulled my light blue down comforter off me as I started to prepare to get out of bed. I knew that sleep was fruitless at this point so there was no point trying to force myself into it. I had learned over the years with Joy's help that it was better to find more productive uses of my time when this happens. I swung my legs over the side of my bed to my left, after a moment I stood up to stretch out. I looked over the wall on my way to the closet, it had floor to ceiling wall shelving which was filled with books, records, trinkets, a few bins full of art supplies and there were framed pictures of my family and friends littering the shelves wherever they fit. My record player sat next to it on my other nightstand. I always loved these bookshelves for 3 reasons.

1. James and I built them together and it's those kinds of memories that keep me going, the everyday routine types of things that make life so different than it used to be.

2. It's filled with all of my favorite things, books, art, music, and pictures of the people that I love.

And 3. I felt like if you took a picture of my happy place in the depths of my soul this is exactly what it would look like.

When I reached the closet, I rummaged through it for a bit before deciding on a pair of light colored boyfriend jeans with rips at the knees and frayed pockets, they had a few paint splatters here and there which is pretty typical for most of my jeans since I am always wearing them when I paint. I pulled on a white long sleeve shirt and topped it with a hunter green vest. I made my way over to the dresser and pulled out a black floppy beanie and a pair of socks. Once I was satisfied with what I had picked out I quickly made my bed.

After my bed was all done, I made my way across the hall into the bathroom that Britt and I shared. I ran a brush through my hair, it had a nice wave to it and even though I knew I wasn't going to run into anyone at this time of night I hated the thought of stepping outside the house not looking my best. I set my beanie on my head and brushed my teeth. Once my teeth were good and clean I exited the bathroom and then made my way downstairs to the kitchen.

In the kitchen I started the kettle for some tea. While the water was heating up I found my white converse by the door and slipped my feet into my socks and then the shoes, then I made my way back to the kitchen to find a pen and paper so I could leave a note.

Gypsy, James and Britt,

Morning. I couldn't sleep so I went out for a walk. I have my cell phone on me and I have turned on my location in case you need to find me.

Love ya,

R

I placed my note in front of the coffee pot where I knew they would find it right away. The kettle wasn't whistling yet, but I poured the warm water into a to-go mug with two blueberry tea bags just how I like it and set off toward the front door.

It was pretty typical for me to leave in the middle of the night like this and I knew James and Gypsy wouldn't worry. At first they didn't know what to do when I would wake up from my dreams and not be able to get back to sleep. For the longest time they tried to stay up with me until I fell back to sleep, but I never would fall back asleep even then. I felt bad because I could tell how tired they were, it was just as hard on them as it was on me and it caused a lot of bickering which only made me feel worse. But then Joy explained to them that it's pretty typical for people like me who have experienced a major trauma at such a young age to have nightmares and insomnia. She said that it was best to help me find something productive to do with my time. After that James and Gypsy were on a mission to help me find something that would work for me, after many failed attempts I finally found my love for art. Over the years I also found that walking, stargazing, music, reading, and writing help too. This is one of the many reasons I love Joy, she's always there to help and because of her I had found so many things that brought happiness to my life. Joy is more than just my social worker she's like the older sister I never had and she's been with me right there by my side longer than any social worker I ever had. I just hoped she would still be there in a few months when I turned 18 and aged out of the system. I hoped they all would for that matter.

I peered out the window of the door and then opened it to stand on the front porch. Tonight the skies were clear and although it was a little chilly out it wasn't cold enough to deter me from getting out of the house after being cooped up earlier in the day, having thrown myself into my latest painting. I stood on the porch for bit to plug my headphones into my phone and get a playlist ready. I looked up to the sky for a quick moment and saw that it was the perfect night for stargazing and in that moment I knew exactly where I was headed tonight.

I put my earbuds in and pressed play Kesha's Hymn started playing as I walked to a nearby park.

Even the stars and the moon don't shine quite like we do

Dreamers searchin' for the truth

Go on, read about us in the news

Pretty reckless, pretty wild

Talking s**t and we'll just smile

Don't you see these fuckin' crowns?

If you know what I mean, you on the team

I begin to hum along to the lyrics in between sips of my blueberry tea. This is one of my favorite songs especially the chorus. If anyone was around to see me I would probably look stupid but I sing along aloud anyway.

"This is a hymn for the hymnless, kids with no religion

Yeah, we keep on sinning, yeah, we keep on singing

Flying down the highway, backseat of the Hyundai

Pull it to the front, let it run, we don't valet

Sorry if you're starstruck, blame it on the stardust

I know that I'm perfect, even though I'm f****d up

Hymn for the hymnless, don't need no forgiveness

'Cause if there's a heaven, don't care if we get in

This is a ..."

Just as the chorus is about to finish up I catch something out of the corner of my eye. I pull one of my earbuds out and turn toward one of the houses across the street where I thought I saw someone. When I turn to look though all I see is a small tabby cat.

I let out a sigh of relief. Feeling the breath leave my body but I decide to pull my earbuds out all the same in favor of being able to pay more attention to my surroundings. I continue walking and sipping on my tea as I effortlessly make my way to the park I had my sights on. I know the way like the back of my hand. I had discovered this beautiful somewhat run down park the first summer we'd lived with my aunt and uncle. It was only about a 15 minute walk from the house and it was just secluded enough to be my perfect little escape without being creepy. I had gone there so often in the last 8 years or so that I could probably find my way there blindfolded no problem. I chuckle to myself lightly at the thought of watching myself try to do that.

I curved around the last bend as I finally arrived at my perfect little sanctuary. It was a little ways back from the road and if you weren't looking closely enough you would miss the small dirt trail that led to the entrance of the park. As you enter the park there are a few wooden picnic tables and rusted over BBQ grills like the ones you might see at a campground. Off to the side behind the picnic tables was a rusty metal hexagon shaped dome jungle gym climber and a simple two person swing set. You could also see the outline of an old sandbox but the wooden rails that had been holding the sand in had long since fallen down from the sides and been broken down over time so that there were only a few pieces left here and there. My favorite part about this place had to be the view though. Off to the right side was a small pond that had a perimeter around it consisting of poles about 4 foot high with metal chains linking between each posts. It was just enough to act as a deterrent but not really enough to keep anyone who really wanted to jump into the pond out. The best part of it all was an intricately designed bridge that led from my side of the park to the other side of the pond.

The bridge was so beautiful that it looked as if it really wasn't ever meant to belong there and it was my favorite place to be on nights like this. It was made of stone, wood and stained-glass. The foundation is all these small brown stones held together with concrete that arched all the way across to the other side. The hand railings and side panels were all wood with designs carved into the railings and beautiful trees of life carved into each side panel. It was a covered bridge with two look out points. From the railings to the wood ceiling there was stained glass covering the walls. Each side consisted of two stained glass windows with an open look out point in the middle on either side. This park had long since clearly been abandoned by city maintenance some of the stained glass panels were missing and there was a gaping hole where the roof once was but the frame was still there making it the perfect place to lay down and stargaze.

I made my way over to the bridge and lay down in my usual spot right in the center. I looked up at the sky to try and find a few constellations that I could recognize. It's currently fall so there aren't many that are visible during this time of year, but I might be able to make out a few. I put one of my headphones back in my ear and let my iPhone randomly play music. I squinted up at the sky and I could just make out Pegasus.

After finding Pegasus I thought that next time I come out here I should really bring my camera. There are so many great shots that I can get. The stars are a great starting place, then there is the lake of course on a night with a full moon I could get some great shots especially if I climb up on tha... but my thoughts of my grand night time photo shoot were interrupted when I was suddenly overcome with the overwhelming sense that I was being watched. I once again pulled my earbud out of my ear. I fought the urge to jump up, if there indeed was someone watching me I wanted to try and maintain the upper hand as long as I could. I glance around in front of me and on either side trying to make as little movement as possible, but I didn't see anything. Which meant one of three things:

1. I was just being hyper-sensitive and paranoid because of the dream I had earlier tonight and that stupid tabby cat that startled me on my way here. (Obviously I was hoping for this option)

2. The person that was watching me was hiding, which would mean that they are just as scared of me right now as I am of them or that they were trying to surprise me which would hopefully mean I would have enough time to run away.

Or 3. And let me tell you this was the least appealing to me of all the options, they were standing right behind me which is the only obvious place I had yet to look.

Please be option 1! Please be option 1!

 I prepared myself to sit up on my elbows and look behind me slowly all the while continuing to chant in my head: PLEASE for the LOVE. OF. GOD. BE. OPTION. NUMBER. f*****g. ONE.

I sat up on my elbows and turned my head around slowly but surely, and I can tell you with absolute certainty now that whoever in the f**k created this god damn earth truly f*****g unconditionally hates me because standing before me was the owner of the eyes I had felt watching me for the last few minutes. Just smirking at me. WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. f**k.

"s**t, who the f**k are you" I tried to say it with conviction. With all the confidence in the world. I tried to say it in a way that would make me even seem slightly intimidating but I knew it didn't come off that way. I knew I didn't sound the way I wanted even before I heard the small stifled laugh.

Damn it, this is not the time to sound weak Richelle. Stand up, in case you need to make a run for it.

 I scrambled to my feet quickly, grateful that I had never been one of those girls who freezes and doesn't know what to do with herself. Thankful even for my quick thinking and fight or flight reactions that were probably more instinctual than the average person.

And then it happened, I heard the most calming, non-threatening voice, soothing, and heartwarming voice I had ever heard in my 17 years of being alive say the most generic non-threatening sentence in the most nonchalant and confident way. " Well hello to you too."