Desire or Guilt

For some reason, the universe was playing a cruel joke on my emotions… every song reminded me of her; the woman was someone I thought I couldn’t live without… Bollywood songs were the last thing I wanted in my life! But I ended up inviting them myself, and now every morning, they woke me up for the day! I"m not too fond of early mornings. Not being a morning person, I prefer to sleep till late. At least till 7:30 am. But my wife Shreya had set an alarm for me for 6:30 am so that I had ample time to freshen up, wear my jumpsuit and go for a run for a good 45 mins at the nearby park. However, even though my alarm is set, my sleep is disturbed daily before the alarm rings as Shreya"s alarm buzzes at 5:30 am with a lovely song, "Tere Sang Yaara, Khush Rang Bahara" from the movie Rustom. Initially, it was a terrible struggle for me to get up and follow this routine. But Shreya was firm with her new regime as she was concerned for my health after my worrying medical reports. Cholesterol levels were on a little higher side, and I was recommended a morning walk or jog for at least 45 mins with a diet for at least six months before repeating the test. My phone buzzed when I left the house for my jog. I unlocked the phone to check the message and was surprised to see Anisha messaging me this early in the morning. Her one-liner sent a shiver down my spine. "What have you thought, Ryan?" I thought how happy I was when I joined the online course sixteen months ago. But then, I remembered that wintery morning when I started to stroll towards the park. How glad I was that day, and how confused I am today. I went back to memories of the same day, a year and a half ago… As I left the house in the morning, I smiled, thinking the online class would begin in two hours. I had recently joined a certified online course Post-Graduate Diploma in Taxation. Today is my first online class. I felt the morning was different. It was beautiful and pleasing. The fresh air held some magic in it. We often grow up with certain images ingrained in our minds for years. They are images of people and places we have read about but never visited. And it"s even more mesmerizing when we finally come face-to-face with the sights and sounds of the reality of that person or place without often realizing how we had been secretly waiting for that precise moment to arrive. The same was with me for this course. I was always passionate about doing my master"s or post-graduation after my bachelor"s degree. But somehow, life got busy fulfilling duties, and I couldn"t make it immediately after graduation. I got a good offer in the final year of college, and I had grabbed the opportunity. But I felt guilt inside myself for letting my desire go. Apart from being a handsome hunk from a middle-class family with a renowned name, "Oberoi," I was keen to establish my name. I knew since childhood, I had been a boy of ambition. I wanted to be a self-made man. Unlike my father"s middle-class status, I wish to create my legacy. Moreover, I want to have a self-made empire for my children. So, enrolling myself in a renowned certified course and investing a considerable amount from my savings over the last five years was a big deal for me. My dream to grow big was taking its first step. Engrossed in my thoughts, I kept jogging without keeping track of time or distance that day… I had covered about 2.5 km when I received a call from none other than my beautiful and loving wife, Shreya, asking me about the weather. I joked that it"s the same as daily. But then I immediately changed my answer, stating it was a beautiful morning and that the weather was starting to get chilly as it was the beginning of winter. And she should also join me for morning walks. While talking to her, I decided to rest for some time on a bench I saw nearby, letting myself soak in the fresh breeze. After confirming to Shreya that I was fine and would be back home in another thirty minutes to join her for breakfast, I hung up the phone. I knew this was her call to check if I was OK. While sitting, I decided to meditate. But the enemy of the 21st century, non-other than my mobile, took away my meditation plan by distracting me. ‘The urge to check mobile is so intense at times that it kills the beauty of being in the present.’ While scrolling through the emails, I mistakenly clicked the email of Shreya she had sent on our first monthly anniversary! Shreya was different from what she is now! She was a girl of few words and was more dedicated to her career. Becoming a pediatrician was not only her but also her father’s dream. I remember how I was upset when I got up in the morning and didn’t find Shreya beside me. Not seeing her anywhere in the house when I picked up my phone to ring her, I suddenly remembered the conversation we had last night while watching TV – “Sweetheart, tomorrow I will have to leave early for the hospital. There is a necessary surgery, and I must be present before it starts. So, kindly manage your breakfast. I really have a busy day… Sorry sweetheart…” Having thrown the phone on the bed, I was caught up in the trail of evil thoughts about Shreya, “What a career-oriented girl I have been married to? She doesn"t want to celebrate the completion of our golden one month of happy married life. Madam intends to keep herself busy. I understand her profession and priorities, but where do I fit in her life? Being irritated, I sat in front of my laptop to divert my mind. I saw an email from Shreya and was shocked to see the time of the email was 5:00 AM. I was surprised but quickly clicked the email to read it: My Dearest Husband, I honestly don’t know how to write an informal lovey-dovey kind of an e-mail to my husband. But still, I definitely want to give it a try. I know you might have already come across this thought in your mind… maybe this morning… maybe last night… or even before it… when you felt that my work, career, and duties are the topmost priority in my life. I can understand how you might be feeling, but I want to tell you how I feel. I feel fabulously fantastic to be madly in love with you, my love. Agreed, I am a bit different from your expectations. I am sorry for not being able to fall into that girly girl’s definition of yours; I love you, I love you SO much… When I run to arrange things from here and there in the morning because I am running late for hospital, you come and hand them to me. That concern of yours is just so awesome. When you call me during lunch break, and I miss your calls sometimes just because of work pressure or emergencies, you make an additional effort by texting to remind me to finish lunch; that romance I desire in every moment of my life. Then, when I am tired at night, and my eyes feel dizzy, you massage my hair, and I fall asleep peacefully. It makes me feel that I am the luckiest wife to have you as my husband… Darling, today on this super romantic morning; when I am typing this stupid email and looking at you, I want to tell you this, I feel you are so lost in magical dreams of ours, with a pure sweet smile on your face, I realise that it is not my work, but it is you; yeah, it is just YOU and your love for which I can die for! It"s not my work that makes me complete. It"s you! It’s you who mean everything to me. I may not be able to tell you all this, but I value you. You are the best case of my life, and I am happily ready to work on it forever. The investment I have made in you will give the highest but the most consistent returns for my lifetime. You are my plan which will never fail to work. That’s the best realisation of my life. To celebrate today – our special one-month anniversary day- I bought two corner tickets for the romantic movie you desired to see the last weekend, which later got cancelled due to my extra duties in the hospital. So please, do come to pick me up at 3:00 PM. I will be waiting right outside the gate of the hospital. And and and… Happiest First Month Anniversary, Sweetheart Yours Shreya A smile automatically appeared on my face after reading the email, and I started to look here and there, trying to control my smile in a public place. Memories, memories… Kabhi yeh hasaye, Kabhi yeh rulaye…. The early morning sun danced on the branches of trees and flowers as they bloomed. Butterflies were busy flying from one flower to another without disturbing the dewdrops formed in the dawn. Birds were already chirping around and flying all over for their morning breakfast. The singing of the Myna on the nearby neem tree caught my attention. I saw a few blackbirds flying around with food in their beaks. It is more common to see male birds since they spend more time on lawns looking for worms. The females are hidden away in their nests, incubating their eggs at this time of the year. The males bring food to the females during this time. I had studied all this in school, but gaining physical knowledge is far different from the theories we learn. Slowly and gradually, I can say early morning strolls have helped me gain knowledge. I saw some familiar faces who come daily for morning walks and light exercises. In addition, a group of people gathered daily on the park"s west side, surrounded by pathways and a few Mahogany trees. This area was designated for them to do yoga. I was also invited for yoga by the yoga instructor twice or thrice. But I will stick to my morning walks for a few months before trying yoga. My thoughts drifted to the Mahogany trees. The mahogany is a large, semi-evergreen tree with a canopy shape. This is because of their unique characteristic of losing a portion of their leaves in the colder seasons, and the new growth starts as a lovely reddish-pink colour. Hence the reason for it being semi-evergreen. I couldn"t refrain from comparing this characteristic with Shreya and am amazed to witness how they perfectly matched. Closing my eyes, I saw the charming face of Shreya, wearing a light brown churidar dress along with a long dupatta waiting for me at the college gate. Her silky long black hair danced on her face with a delicate pink lipstick complimenting her smile. Her charisma had touched many hearts and broken even more. She is nothing less than a dream girl everyone wants and dreams of having. But I was the luckiest to secure this trophy for myself forever. When I saw Shreya for the first time, it was at the city library. I had gone to the library with a group of friends to research for the "Intercollege debate competition." The topic was "Can money buy Happiness!" Around 25 colleges were participating from all over the state. A week-long competition was held. Talks about all the participants being extraordinarily skilled were doing rounds. Other topics were also given to be prepared if the group qualifies for the next round. Such competitions are held to make students realize their calibre and potential; in the end, some stand out, shining brighter than others. One more topic was shortlisted, "Corruption and Politics."