The Alpha's Lost Luna

18

Liz

I stared at him in both shock and confusion. He was... asking me to stay? I didn't know how to feel about his question. His demand. I had been determined to leave. Hell, I had just been tortured within an inch of my life because I spoke to this man, and now he was asking me to stay. It was nonsense. Completely and utterly ridiculous.

And yet... in the smallest, quietest part of me, something settled. Not just because he was being so tender. So gentle. So unexpectedly careful for an alpha raised in cruelty. But because he was asking for me. He didn't want me to leave.

I hadn't even been sure that he wanted me at all. I hadn't been sure he wanted this bond that seemed to grow heavier and stronger with every second that we spent near each other without rejecting it. This told me something. He didn't want to reject me. He wanted me. Maybe not in the way I had dreamed of in my weakest moments, but in some way. In some fashion. Enough to ask me to stay. But was that enough?

Did I only want to be wanted from the shadows? Hidden away like some shameful secret? Would he ever be able to love me openly? Protect me openly?

He already did, a voice inside of me whispered. I blinked, wondering if this was still part of the fever dream I hadn't yet decided was a nightmare or a miracle. The gentle touches, the way he fed me. The ease with which he seemed to want to take care of me. It was all hitting a mark that I hadn't realized had been set. His blue eyes locked onto mine, holding me there with such intensity it sent a tremble through the center of my soul.

"I..." I started, but the words refused to come.

Rowan reached for my hands, his fingers wrapping around mine with surprising gentleness. His thumb brushed across my knuckles like he was trying to soothe something much deeper than skin. I looked away from him, letting my eyes drift around the room instead.

The fire roared softly in the massive stone fireplace. Warm crackles filled the silence between us. Large windows stretched across the far wall, overlooking the restless sea beyond. Moonlight reflected across the water, silver and haunting. Just beyond the glass doors sat the balcony, open to the salt-heavy night air. This room was too beautiful. Too warm. Too safe. It didn't feel like it belonged to someone like me.

"Stay," he said again, softer this time. "Don't run. Not from me."

"You don't even want me," I countered, even though part of me knew it was a lie. A defense. A shield. If I said it first, maybe it wouldn't hurt as much when he proved it true.

His eyes widened just slightly, like I had struck him. Regret flickered in my chest, but I shoved it down. Did he expect me to simply forget everything? His pack. His family. His mother. Heather. All of it. As if summoned by the thought, pain flared through my ribs. My back throbbed where the lashes had torn into my flesh, and the ache grounded me into reality. I could feel a fever starting to set in.

No, I wouldn't forget though. He lifted a hand toward my face and I flinched instinctively. Pain flashed across his expression so quickly I almost missed it. Regret, guilt, and something deeper settled. But he didn't pull away. Instead, he moved slower, giving me every chance to stop him.

When his palm finally cradled my cheek, warmth exploded beneath my skin. Sparks danced over every nerve ending, and before I could stop myself, I leaned into his touch. A low rumble vibrated from his chest. A purr. The sound wrapped around me like something ancient and protective. I nearly melted at the sound of it.

"Wanting you isn't the problem," he said. His voice was quiet and rough, like the words scraped on their way out.

His head tilted slightly. Studying me like I was something worth understanding. Something worth fighting for.

"Then what is?" I whispered.

"Truthfully?" His jaw tightened. "There isn't one. The problem isn't you." There was anger beneath his words now. Deep and controlled. Dangerous in their own way. "The problem is this pack. Their small minds. Their cruelty. Their loyalty to traditions is built on fear and blood. They are led by an alpha who doesn't want to protect anyone but himself. My father only cares about power. About control. About making sure no one threatens his throne."

His fingers flexed slightly against my skin. I wondered what his childhood was like that he thought like that. It wasn't wrong. Anyone with eyes could see his father didn't care about the pack. Only what the pack could provide him. And his own power and strength.

"That was why I was sent away. The academy, the training, the politics and the strength. He wanted to make sure his bloodline stayed powerful," his eyes darkened. "But he made one mistake."

"What?"

His teeth pressed together briefly, like he was forcing himself to stay calm. "He forgot that sending me away meant I'd see what a real pack looks like," his voice dropped lower. "He forgot that sending me away would give me the tools and the knowledge to take him down. I learned how to be cruel. How to be feared. How to survive men like him. But I also learned what leadership is supposed to be. What a pack is supposed to be." His thumb brushed my cheek again. "It isn't supposed to be this. Fear, punishment, starvation and submission. And I'm sorry this is all you've ever known."

His voice cracked just slightly. My throat tightened with emotion.

"Give me a chance to fix it," he said. "To change your mind."

"But I..."

"I'm not asking you to jump into my bed," his lips twitched slightly. "I'm not asking you to let me mark you tonight. Tomorrow. Maybe not even soon. I haven't earned that privilege yet." His forehead pressed to mine, and I stopped breathing. "I'm asking for time, Liz. Don't leave me before I have the chance to prove myself to you." His next words shattered something in me. "I can protect you."

I had spent my entire life hoping for that. Hoping for family. For safety. For a place where I didn't have to just survive every second of the day. For love. Hope was dangerous. Hope was cruel. If you gave it too much room, it filled everything. It became the walls, the floor, the ceiling. And when it collapsed, it took you with it. I wanted to hope. Gods, I wanted to. But fear had its roots in me too deep to ignore. Fear of the unknown. Fear that nothing would change. Fear that everything would...

"I'm not sure I understand," I admitted, quietly, my brows pulled together. I was deflecting. "You don't want me to leave, but you don't want me as your mate?" I knew it was a dumb question the minute the words were out of my mouth.

Rowan laughed softly. The sound was warm. Rich and sinful and had goosebumps traveling over my arms. The smile that followed sent heat crawling up my neck and staining my cheeks pink.

"Liz..." The way he said my name felt like a touch all on its own. My breath caught when he leaned forward again and placed a kiss on my temple. This massive alpha sat here in his bed, in his room, in a life I had never imagined touching, and he was letting me exist in it. Me. A servant. A burden. A woman everyone else had decided was disposable.

"I want you as my mate," he said softly. "But I know you're not ready for that."

Indignation flared immediately. How dare he decide what I was or wasn't ready for? But worse — damn him for being right! I scowled at him, and he smiled against my skin. I closed my eyes instead, leaning into him. I breathed him in. Salt, driftwood and sandalwood. The scent of storms rolling in over the sea. My wolf stirred, craving him just as fiercely as I did.

"If I thought for even a second that it was the right time," he murmured. "I would mark you right now and spend the rest of my life making sure no one touched you again." My entire body went still as he spoke. He exhaled sharply. "But I'm not completely selfish. No, that's a lie. I am. I'm selfish as hell where you're concerned." His hand slid into my hair. "But with you? I would rather tear out my own throat than hurt you."

My eyes opened. His were burning bright.

"You are my fated mate. The gods paired us together for a reason."

My voice came out smaller than I intended. "What changed?"

He pulled back just enough to study me. When he didn't answer, I pushed. "You didn't want me. I knew we were mates the moment I spilled coffee all over you — which, for the record, was an accident. That was the moment I knew we were mates — but you didn't come after me. You didn't acknowledge me. You just..."

"It wasn't the time." His voice was immediate. "Can you honestly tell me you would have wanted me to announce in front of the entire pack? In front of everyone watching?"

I opened my mouth, then closed it. Because no. I probably would have thrown up. He smirked slightly.

"I was still trying to understand it myself. The night of my homecoming celebration, when I saw you..."

I blinked. "Wait. You knew then?"

His mouth twitched. "I saw you running from the kitchens. You went down to the beach and sat on the giant rocks by the shore," my stomach dropped. He saw me steal food. f**k! "You looked so small. So fragile. I didn't know who you were at first. Your back was to me. But something kept pulling me closer. Like there was an invisible string tied around my ribs dragging me toward you."

His voice softened. "I didn't understand it until you turned around," he hesitated. "I knew my parents expected me to return, secure a mate, and ascend. Preferably a powerful mate. A Luna with status. Connections and strength."

My mind immediately flashed to Heather. Jealousy rose hot and ugly in my chest, and a growl slipped free before I could stop it. Rowan laughed quietly and stroked my cheek.

"When I realized it was you... I wont lie. I wasn't sure I wanted the bond." The honesty hurt. But I let him keep talking. "I needed power to overthrow my father. I thought I needed someone stronger. Someone useful. Someone political." His jaw tightened. "But the thought of rejecting you made me feel like I was being skinned alive."

Tears burned behind my eyes. Because I felt the same.

"I decided to watch you," he admitted. "Study you. I was going to stay away until I had enough proof to either claim you... or do what was best for both of us."

"What changed?" I whispered. This time, I couldn't look at him. His answer came without hesitation.

"You did," Silence. "Watching you survive this place. Watching you being treated like less and still refusing to let it kill whatever fire lives inside of you. You are stronger than you know. I can see it," his fingers tilted my chin upward. "I saw the way you looked at my mother when she berated you. Most people lower their heads. You didn't. You were furious. But you were still in control. Respectful. That is strength. You're small. You're stubborn. You're far stronger than anyone here gives you credit for."

His voice lowered as he ensured I was looking at him.

"You are a product of your circumstances, and I will never fault you for surviving them. The longer I watched you, the more I wanted you. The more I realized I didn't care about power if it meant losing you," emotion clogged my throat as his eyes searched mine. "I know this makes me sound like an asshole."

I snorted softly through tears. "That's because you are."

"That's fair," he grinned. Then serious again. "But I wont lie to you, Liz. I wont build this on lies. Seeing you hurt, seeing you survive despite everyone trying to break you, it changed something in me." His hand pressed over mine. "I want this. I want you. And I can only hope... that someday, you'll want me too."

Did I love everything he said? No. Did I appreciate the honesty? With every shattered piece of my soul. Because I couldn't fault him for his fear. Wasn't I afraid too? Hadn't I been planning to run away? To reject him before he could reject me first? But his words triggered something else in me. A memory. Something sharp and wrong.

"Do you know where I came from?" I blurted. He blinked, clearly not expecting that. "We need to talk about everything you just said," I rushed on, "But something keeps bothering me. Something your mother said."

His expression shifted and he sat up straighter. He was careful now.

"When I was being punished... she said something," I sat up straighter too, despite the pain. "She said it was expected of my bloodline to be hardheaded. That it was in my blood not to obey authority." His jaw tightened. "She looked scared after she said it. Like she revealed something she shouldn't have. Then... she ran. Everyone here keeps trying to make sure I survive, but they also keep trying to keep me weak. They starve me. Break me. Punish me. But they never let me die. Ask yourself why."

I stared at him. He opened his mouth but I shook my head.

"No. Really think about it," my heart pounded. "Who am I that they fear me this much? Why keep me alive only to keep me small? Why make sure I survive only to ensure I never thrive? People here know something. Something bigger than me. Something bigger than all of this!" I gestured around the whole room. And for the first time in my life... I was terrified that finding the truth might be worse than never knowing at all.